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Handling a breakup

Updated on June 4, 2015
Breakups are painful. Try your best to avoid them
Breakups are painful. Try your best to avoid them


The reasons why people breakup and endless. Nobody, in his right mind will want to deliberately breakup with his/her partner. Breakups are not always avoidable. Something, you try to remedy the situation, but there is usually nothing that could be done to fix it.

Although breakups are rampant these days, it should not be an option when you are in a relationship. It should rather be an option in a situation that cannot be fixed. People shouldn't necessarily breakup because they just feel like, it should be because you or your partner was hurting and it was the only way to fix it.

Also, when people breakup, you shouldn't be quick to judge the situation, because you never know what the individuals go through when they are alone or away from public eyes.

Someone once implied that a breakup is necessary when the female cheats but is uncalled-for when it is the male that cheated. The reason the person gave was that: women only sleep with men when they have feelings for them and men could sleep with a thousand females without having feelings for them? Do you think that is a valid argument? Being realistic, cheating should be taken as cheating irrespective of the gender.

Cheating is not the only reason that could lead to a breakup. Other reasons include: addictions, abuse, financial problems, misunderstandings and many other reasons.

Can you still be friends?

There is the general belief that, once you have broken up with a person, you can never be friends again. That is a bias statement and should never be put into consideration.

Before you go into a relationship, you have to be friends before lovers. That way, if a relationship breaks, you could still remain friends. Although some people prefer to be friends, other die for that friendship. And it makes sense because, it hurts when you lose a friend. Especially one that really knew you inside out. It is painful to breakup but, it is worse when you don't keep in contact.

Don't expect the friendship to be a hundred percent or as great as it was when you were dating, but it will be good. Better than not being in talking terms at all. Being friends doesn't mean that you will be as close a you were when you were dating but it means that you still see eye to eye and reason together sometimes. Another benefit of being friends is that it keeps you in check. It will be more difficult to share each other's guts to other people than it will be when you are not friends. It helps to keep both of you in check.

Be friends, but know where your boundaries lie
Be friends, but know where your boundaries lie

Don't give the wrong impression

The fact that you are friends doesn't mean that you can do everything that you did when you were dating. For example, you cannot randomly kiss the person you broke up with on the lips. That will be very wrong and will send the wrong signals.

In order not to confuse things, keep your friendship as plain as possible, try not to be as poky as you used to be. For example, you don't really have the right any more to check their messages or find out who just called them or what they are doing at a particular moment. All you have to do is play nice and hope that they respect you enough to do the same.

You should also not expect the favours that you enjoyed while in a relationship like: going to see a movie or getting surprise gifts. That doesn't mean that they can't happen, it just means that you should not expect it as your right any more.

You can also call sometimes to check on each other but don't call late and that the "I was just thinking about you line" or "I miss holding your hands". In summary, try as much as possible to avoid being romantic and emotional. Doesn't mean you shouldn't call or care, but have your rules and have your dignity. Don't go around feeling like a lost puppy.

Don't overstep your boundaries
Don't overstep your boundaries
Avoid being romantic and loving after a breakup
Avoid being romantic and loving after a breakup

Could we come back together?

Of course, you can come back together. Many people who have successful relationships often have a time when they separated and found out that they couldn't without each other.

Sometimes, all people need in a relationship is space and time. Time is a healer of wound. When you are apart, time helps you test whether what you had was true or not. The popular saying "...out of sight, out of heart" is a false statement. Actually, "...distance makes the heart fonder".

Also, it is possible that the person you broke up with was the right person for you. If you believe that your ex is you true love, you have to fight for it.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”
Bob Marley

Are you still close with your ex?

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    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago

      "The fact that someone wants out doesn't mean that he/she is not your soul-mate, it could mean that he/she doesn't have an idea that you are soul-mates." Akoria, Perception is reality!

      If you don't know something it doesn't exist to you!

      Only in romance novels and movies do you see people "convince" other people that they're "soul-mates". It's about "discovering" not "selling".

      There is no shortage of "soul-mates" unless one believes in (sole-mates)

      It's unrealistic to believe that out of a world with over 7 Billon people there is only ONE person "perfect" for you and you may never meet!

      What generally happens is we have all these ways of EXCLUDING people. He/she must be of my same race, must presently live in my same country, state, city, have the same religion, be this height or weight, have this amount of education or work in this occupation, earn this much, and last but not least my family and friends must approve of them and get along with theirs and vice versa.

      The bulk of our time is spent on eliminating our options to the point where there is only "one" person. Whereas if you said I want someone who is; attractive, intelligent, with a great sense of humor, enjoys traveling, is honest and reliable, loves music, movies, dining out from time to time: How many people would fit that profile? Millions? Billions? Definitely more than ONE!

      The goal is to meet someone who shares your same values wants the same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another. (Now that's possible and realistic!)

      Truth be told most of us (fail our way) to success when it comes to relationships. If this were not the case we'd all be married to our high school sweethearts!

      When we're young we're naïve enough to believe our girlfriend or boyfriend at age 17 has every trait we want in a mate for life. However the reality is we all evolve over time. What was "ideal" at 17 is not likely to be what you want at age 25, 35, 45, or beyond.

    • Akoria Ofega profile imageAUTHOR

      Akoria Ofega 

      3 years ago from Nigeria

      The fact that someone wants out doesn't mean that he/she is not your soul-mate, it could mean that he/she doesn't have an idea that you are soul-mates. We often make mistakes in this type of affairs mostly because of ignorance.

      If you are sure that you are soul-mates, then convince the person. Besides, we don't always end up with our soul-mates. Only a few people are actually end up with their soul-mates and they can be considered as lucky

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago

      "Before you go into a relationship, you have to be friends before lovers."

      Not in 2015!

      It's not uncommon for (adults) to meet in a nightclub/bar or wherever and then after a few drinks, some dancing, flirting, end up having sex.

      The next morning over breakfast they exchange phone numbers and if things went well they agree to see each other next weekend. Gradually the dates stack up and they decide to become "exclusive".

      The "lets be friends first" usually happens with students and co-workers. However generally speaking if you're really "into" someone you're not going to want to leave them on the "open market" for too long!

      After all there is no such thing as an "exclusive friendship".

      When it comes to breakups rarely is it a situation where both people believe it's time end a relationship.

      Thus the idea of going from "red hot lovers" to "platonic brother/sister friends" is for the most part unrealistic. The person who wants to keep the relationship going doesn't want to be "friends". They'll accept that role with the hope that over time you two will get back together.

      The person who ends the relationship oftentimes will offer friendship as a "consolation prize". They don't want to be the "bad guy" so offering friendship is their way of hoping to reduce any "drama".

      As you noted there are a wide variety of reasons why people breakup on the surface but generally it all comes back to they don't believe he or she is "the one"!

      If someone wants out it means you're not "soul-mates". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually wants to be with you and vice versa. Accept it and move on. Thankfully there are over 7 Billion other people on the planet. Odds are in your favor more than a few would be interested in someone like you.


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