- Gender and Relationships
Has His Complete Misrepresentation Caused You Heartbreak?
There are some men who will become so fixated on winning the affections of a woman that they will create this spectacular (unrealistic—for them) version of themselves which they end up having a hard time keeping up with.
As women, we end up falling in love with this seemingly amazing "perfect" guy, until we realize that who he "actually" is, is not who he first lead us to believe. And to be clear; often, this new "version" of himself tends to be opposite of who he really is. Ugh!
Don’t get me wrong, we get that maybe the first few dates we are meeting your "representative"—a guy who is putting his best foot forward to impress us. However, your representative is not a complete opposite of who you actually are. When a guy completely misrepresents himself to be the man he thinks we want him to be—this ends up causing friction, distrust, animosity and disappointment in the relationship. Basically, you are dating an imposter.
A guy who can't keep up with his charade, will put the onus on us...
A guy who perceives himself to be someone he is not will eventually accuse us of wanting to "change him" or will tell us that "he feels like he can't be the man we want him to be." What he really means... he can't keep up with the man he was pretending to be. Boohoo.
There are many men who love the idea of love, or love the competitive chase—so much that they will completely misrepresent themselves in order to capture the attention—and possibly win the affections of a woman's heart. Again, even if he is not truly "in love" with her.
Often, what a guy like this is actually "in love" with; is the idea of loving a woman. This becomes apparent when he lacks follow through, makes promises that he cannot keep, and is not there when you are down and emotionally need him. Real love, does not falter so quickly. When things get hard and disagreements happen, if he is running for the hills instead of working on the relationship—that HE worked so hard to get—that is a big sign he does not genuinely love you.
Here's the thing guys, no woman enjoys falling in love with a guy who is pretending to be someone else for their benefit. Why not be yourself and attract a woman who will love you, for you? Yes, that might mean that you may not get the woman you have been attracted to and desired for so long, however, isn't that better than being a complete fake and disappointment to her in the end?
I was in a relationship with a guy who clearly misrepresented himself...
The first several months of dating he acted like he was a take charge type of guy. He would plan our dates and before the week started he would pre-schedule time to see me. He would also express how great his business was doing and would share with me all his ideas and goals for creating more success. He carried himself with confidence and assurance. He was a great communicator and listener. He went out of his way to make me feel important and special. He also worked hard to do the little things—complementing me, bringing flowers and gifts—and being chivalrous seemed like second nature to him. Well, after time, his charade exposed itself.
Come to find out, he was a fake. His "planning" changed to last minute—months into dating he admitted he was not a planner, nor did he like planning since he was a "fly by the seat type of guy." Ok? Not that big of a deal, although as we continued to date, more of his true character traits reveled themselves. None of which I found attractive.
I found out that he was not ambitious, nor did he care to be—he liked being comfortable and was afraid of being successful. He had issues with finances. The confidence he originally displayed was an act—he ended up being one of the least confident men I had ever been with. Not an attractive quality at all. Great.
As I continued to spend time with him, the “real” him continued to resurfaced even more...
He did not have a big enough backbone—consistently letting people walk all over him—including his ex-wife and children. He was a very poor listener and a horrible communicator—internalizing everything and saying nothing. He would overreact and take things I said completely out of context—just so he had a reason to create drama, put up emotional walls and bail. And to top it off, he was always stressing about things he had control over (and could change) but played the victim role so he wouldn't have to. Blaming others for everything that was going wrong in his life versus owning up to his part; came as natural to him as riding a bike. Yikes!
As I started to notice that I was clearly dating a different person (than originally casted), my confusion was apparent through my questioning, comments and concerns—which caused him to become immediately defensive and emotionally shutdown. Really?! So I was in the wrong for even noticing his obvious change in character? Hmmm...
After time, what I finally realized; he completely misrepresented himself to me so that I would find him attractive enough to date (he was not the "type" of guy I would normally date). Well, his plan worked, until I realized that our goals, dreams, and what I actually find attractive about a man, he did not encompass.
Being the man a woman wants is not the same as pretending to be the man she wants—not if you are hoping to keep her emotionally invested for the long haul...
Men, when you completely misrepresent yourself, as women we feel deceived. Unfortunately, when a guy becomes aware of our obvious confusion and frankly, disappointment; instead of being honest, he will blame us for his inadequacy—as well as not being able to satisfy us. Or, he might even do the complete opposite and label us as "naggers" or accuse us of wanting to "change him." Wonderful.
Ladies, when we think we have finally found a guy who is a great match, realizing he is not (due to his lies and deception), usually does not happen until we are emotionally invested and possibly in love with him. So, how do you spot a guy like this? As with all relationships; the longer you date the wiser you become.
Clues that a man is misrepresenting who he is:
When first dating this imposter...
- He will act like he is very romantic, but will then make you feel like being romantic is a chore—he will start off by bringing flowers, gifts, cards and doing thoughtful romantic gestures, but after weeks or months of dating he rarely does anything to make you feel special. When he does something romantic, it will feel like he is doing it just for recognition (minus the genuine thought).
A true romantic loves being romantic and will never do a one-eighty in how he romances you because expressing and doing special things for you is part of his character. A true romantic won't "tally" all the nice things he has done for you—turning you into a burden. Instead he will continue to express how he feels through romantic thoughtful gestures—knowing that making you feel special, appreciated and loved—is priceless.
- He will act like he is at a financial level that he is clearly not—he will wine and dine you—choosing upscale restaurants and establishments, telling you with ease to choose whatever you want on the menu.
As you continue to date him, it is clear that he is living above his means—he becomes very stressed at the thought of taking you out. He will rarely plan dates and when the bill comes he will stress over the amount—no matter how big or small. He will also have no problem sharing how financially stressed he is—A LOT—the more comfortable he is with you. Not a panty dropper at all.
A man who can truly take care of things financially will not pull you into his financial concerns.
- He will act like being chivalrous is second nature to him, but then will get annoyed trying to be chivalrous all the time—the first several days, weeks or possibly months into dating he will happily rush to open the car door or any door you are in front of. He will pull your chair out for you. He will carry your bags—groceries, shopping, overnight bags, etc.—without you ever asking. He will also make sure that he walks with you—never in front—and will always be on the traffic side—making sure you are safe.
As you spend more time with this guy, you come to realize that acting chivalrous was just to make you believe that he was extremely thoughtful and considerate. The once chivalrous guy, ends up being the guy that does not continue to open the car door (or any door) for you—much less, letting you into the car first. Instead he will make sure he is inside before caring if you are or unlocking your door. Yikes! He will also start walking in front of you, and caring about your safety will come second to his. Wonderful.
A man who is truly chivalrous is this way because this trait is embedded in him. He truly enjoys lightening your load by being gallant. He also loves being of value in your life.
- He will act like he is very considerate and has manners; even though he clearly does not—when first dating, this is a guy who will care about making sure your needs are met first. Once he gets comfortable...all bets are off.
Once this guy gets really comfortable with you, he will only think about himself first. You will notice this by his lack of concern for you by how he puts his needs first.
If you are at a venue and don't have a drink, he won't get you one—unless you ask him first. If you are hungry he will make sure he feeds himself first before attempting to make sure you are fed—regardless of how famished you are. If you are making dinner he will show up empty handed—unless you specifically tell him to bring something. If you are at a restaurant and your food has not arrived at the same time, not only will he start eating, he won't be concerned about when your meal arrives—nor will he ask the server. And in privacy, he becomes a very selfish lover.
A man who has true manners cares about how his behavior affects others. His consideration won't suddenly change because having great manners is something he was taught, and lives by.
- He will make you believe that you are a number one priority; even though he is actually selfish—he will tell you over and over again that you mean everything to him—when clearly you do not.
In the beginning he will work hard to show you how special and important you are to him—going out of his way to plan things, make time for you, call/text, be present—mentally, emotionally, physically—he might even go as far as to turn off his phone or not keep it on him when he is will you—giving you the full VIP treatment.
Soon you realize that he is more of a "talker" than actually a doer when he stops continuing to make you a priority. He will start to become busy (a lot)—scheduling time for other people before you, he will pick up extra shifts and/or projects—never considering you and your schedule. This guy will find reasons why he can't call/text as much—even though his "morning routine" gives him plenty of time.
This guy will vow never to take you for granted, but the first chance he can, he does. He will also tell you that you and the relationship are very important, but he will continually put everything before you—work, kids, ex-wife, hobbies, friends, other people, his drama, his stresses, etc.—you end up being so low on this guy’s priority list it's almost funny...seriously!
A man who truly views you as a priority won't make empty promises—instead he will show you how important you are through his continual actions. Period.
**Although these are just a few examples (Red Flag), believe me there are so many more depending on your situation and the type of guy you are dating and who he is faking himself to be for your benefit.
Ladies, deception is deception. Regardless of how he tries to sugar coat the negative situation (that he has caused) or tries to turn your disappointment, confusion and frustration around to make you feel bad...don't. You deserve a man who is confident and honest enough to be himself instead of wooing you, lying to you, and leading you on with his deceit...and eventually heartbreak.
Bottom line: trust is the cement to a lasting relationship and there are plenty of men who aren't afraid to earn your love…as themselves.