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He Has A Cold And He Is Going To Die | How To Treat A Man Flu

Updated on May 13, 2009
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Man flu is the sudden onset of flu symptoms upon a previously healthy adult male. One moment he will be a strong, active fellow slaying tigers and strangling crocodiles with his bare hands whilst bench pressing the Statue of Liberty, the next he will be lying in bed, crippled and moaning pitifully, convinced of his impending death.

How Do I Treat Man Flu?

Men suffering from the man flu will require bed rest, lots of liquids and boat loads of sympathy. They will often refuse medication, fearing that the medication will make things worse. Some cynics might infer from this behavior that they are actually enjoying langushing in their cold symptoms and do not want to experience an imporovement, but those cynics are cold hearted kill joys most likely destined for the life of elite CIA Marine assasin.

You may be able to coax a few liquids into the man by presenting them in an appealing manner. “Look at the pink drink! It will be good for you! Mmm, I am going to drink the pink drink!” Do not be concerned that this is a similar technique used to convince small children to eat food, a man with a cold reverts to somewhere between the ages of 6 months and three years old.

At all costs, the man with man flu needs to be kept warm and fed. Stock up on his favorite foods and make sympathetic noises as he at first rejects them because he feels so very ill, then celebrate his victory over the virus ravaging his body as he chokes down the hamburger / pie / cream donut he forgot he asked for half an hour ago.

Are There Any Severe Side Effects?

Yes. A man with the man flu may also experience man flu paralysis. This is a terrible condition which will require you to open windows, shut windows, adjust blankets, find his glasses and generally undertake the tasks he would normally be mobile enough to complete himself were he not dying.

How Long Does Man Flu Last?

The man flu usually lasts from one to three days, with symptoms gradually improving over time, with complete recovery often coinciding with the onset of the weekend.

Is Man Flu Catching?

Women cohabiting with a man may also contract the same illness as the man experiencing man flu, however she will very rarely come down with the same extreme symptoms as the man and may contintue to function entirely normally. Scientist have been unable to determine the cause of this intruiging phenomena.


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      Anon E Mouse 7 years ago

      Ummm Sorry Hope I find this account of Man Flu to be aimed at the wrong gender. I usually love your posts and have now read all of them I think. But I find most men in life that I know or have met to be like the black knight in Monty Pythons Holy Grail. I know I just don't have time for pain and suffering an have as a result landed myself in hospital on 2 occasions, but only after I collapsed and was taken unconscious. Most men I know will probably drop dead at work or doing the shopping and would rather walk on a broken leg than let their lawn get higher than 2 inches long.

      I find however that if I should accidentaly say something out loud like "I dont know what I did to my knee but it doesn't feel right" It is usually followed by the female voice "YOUR KNEE??? If only you knew hows my elbow felt you wouldn't worry about YOUR KNEE" Now I made the comment about my knee without looking for sympathy and fully intending to just take a hot shower and walk it off but it started a bout of "Womanitis" This is what I call it cause all the men and women I know, no matter what is wrong with the man, the woman has it worse. And you know its true cause they tell you so repeatedly in a louder voice so you know it. Yes apparently all men are deaf and stupid too cause we really need these things told to us Slowly at great Volume. My neighbour for example was walking very badly for a few months and his wife kept telling him (and the entire street) that there was nothing wrong with him. Was not until I saw his BLACK foot and insisted that he see a Dr that he found it had to be removed. Most men wont go near a Dr until they have tried cutting it out, taping it up, walking it off, burning it off themselves. And even then men only go under protest. Men dont say "I have chest pain" they say "Lunch isnt sitting to well today" then they drop dead.

      Womanitis on the other hand can turn the female runny nose into a week of soup in bed and talks about if the hubby would see other women or marry again when she is gone. Yes from runny nose to death discussions in a day or so. Makes a man really want to do the mowing & edges.

      On a serious note though.

      MEN dont be stupid, get your prostate checked and take chest pain seriously. Quit smoking and use disinfectant on cuts, not petrol from the shed. I am only finding these things out now in my advanced years.

    • profile image

      starfiend 8 years ago

      Try this:

      Makes sense to me :)


    • Hope Alexander profile image

      Hope Alexander 8 years ago

      lol, thanks triplet mom.... men seem to be remarkably similar on this front...

    • Triplet Mom profile image

      Triplet Mom 8 years ago from West Coast

      Wow Hope you must know my hubby all too well. Great hub!!