- Gender and Relationships
He Says He Doesn't Want To Lose Her But Wants to Break Up - Mixed Signals Relationship Advice
Veronica, your advice is brilliant. I've been reading this page for the last few days and feel so enlightened. Maybe you can enlighten me some more on my current situation?
I've been seeing this guy (he is 25 and I am 21, we go to the same college, and he lives 15 minutes away from me). We met at a friend's party at the end of May. I had my eye on him that entire night, and so did he. The next day a mutual friend messaged me and said he asked who the hell I was and if I was single. I was thrilled. A week after the party, he sent me a message through facebook saying we should hang out soon. Long story short, we were having a lot of fun on our dates. Besides the fact that he's VERY outgoing and I'm a shy person, we realized that we have SO much in common - being raised in a Russian household, deaths, interests, how we feel towards one another, etc. June - July was going really well, we were hanging out 4 days a week and going with the flow. We slowly transitioned into a relationship without forcing anything. He told me he never felt this way about a girl before and that he never wanted to be in a relationship until now. In the middle of July I left to Europe for an entire month (I told him from the start I had to go to study there) That wasn't a problem at all. He told me he will wait because his feelings are strong. And we both did. We spoke on skype almost every other day and couldn't wait to see each other. He told me he wants to meet my parents and vice versa once I get back. I returned around the beginning of August, and everything felt like a dream come true. We were genuinely glad to be back in eachother's arms. Then all of a sudden, college started and reality started to kick in. He works 4 days a week and has 6 classes, while I don't work and have 5 classes. We weren't seeing each other as often, and when we did, he'd invite me to hang with his friends. I was getting a bit upset because I want to spend time with him alone and was starting to drift. I told him that I'm confused because we barely see each other often and that crushed him. He said he did not want to lose me, but he only has so much time to fit in his family, friends, schoolwork, and a girlfriend. Just to point out, he did put in effort. And I'm not a needy girlfriend at all, I do have a life of my own. He would text/call me everyday and would try to plan things for us. He was stressed about my feelings and I was kind of sentimental about seeing him once or twice a week only. A week passed after that conversation until it was brought up again. I was still bummed and tense about not seeing him so he drove to my house to talk. We agreed that we don't know what to do because he will only become busier as the semester progresses and he doesn't want up to get even more hurt. The entire time he was tearing and holding me in his arms. We concluded that we don't want to break up, but we don't want our feelings towards each other turn sour either. It seemed like a weird break up. 2 days after that, it started to eat me up. I was still confused (still kind of am), so I texted him this:
Me: Hey. not sure if you got my call yesterday or not.. Just wanted to say something (when you get a chance)
Him: Hey, I didn't your call last night. What's up
Me: I've been thinking a lot the past 3 days and I really don't want it to end especially like that - not sure what you currently feel, that's just my input
Him: I'm thinking about you a lot, I don't know if I'm ready to go back how it was. I felt like I started to get off track and we just weren't seeing eye to eye. Its not that I stopped liking you, but it started turning into something I didn't want
Me: I don't want it to be like that either. I feel like we just got really angry, without actually working it out, and dropped it on impulse
Me: I still like you a lot and it's a strange feeling knowing that and just cutting it off
Him: I don't think it was that impulse. I was kinda hurt, it happened more than 1x.
Me: We didn't find a way to work it out collectively. I'm still hurt as fuck
Him: I am too. But maybe we just need to chill back for a bit, I know I do. We just weren't seeing eye to eye. I'm not all happy over here either, been bummed as fuck.
Me: I'm so upset because I never wanted it to end. Still don't. But if that's how you feel, then that's cool
Me: It's like if we claim to like each other so much, then we can't we just look past it
Him: I was hurt. I really was
Him: I need to chill for a second
Me: I understand. I don't know where to go from this
Me: And I apologize that my actions hurt you
Him: I don't want to make another move based on impulse. I don't know where to go.
Him: I feel the same way. I don't want to loose you.
Me: I don't either.
Him: I don't want you to think I just said fuck this. This took a lot out of me.
Me: It just hurts because we can't work it out. I want to see you now, and I can't. Blows
Me: was what we had really so tedious?
Him: No, but I didn't want it to be.
Me: It wasn't even torture being with you
Him: It wasn't torture for me. I had to go with how I felt. It doesn't have to be worst scenario
Him: I can't be around enough to be a good bf or a full time bf w/e. This isn't easy for me either
That's pretty much it. Do you feel that it is best to forget us? I'm not sure what he means by us needing to "chill out". I'm so confused right now. Ah. Any thoughts would be appreciated :)
Thanks for commenting on my Hub He's Too Busy For Her, Should They Keep Dating.
Your situation is different from the ones I broke down on that Hub and it's different from most of the ones I've discussed in many other Hubs. I get many emails and comments from the ladies asking for some insight because they are so confused over their guy's actions. They write what they're going through and claim they have no idea what to think because his signals are so mixed and they can't figure him out.
Usually I read what they have to say and I don't see any conflcting signals. Usually the boyfriend is saying something fairly clearly and the girl just doesn't want to hear it. So she rationalizes what he says, angles it, polishes it, buries it under projections and hopes, and says gee how confusing. But it's not confusing.
Your case, however, is the exception, which is why you got your very own hub. He really is saying mixed messages. I can still interprett them for you, I know what he's really saying. But I do understand why you're confused.
I'll cut to the chase. Yes, it is best to forget him. These are the important things: He said "I know I do" regarding the chilling - or cooling off - thing. He lives 15 minutes from you and goes to school with you and isn't finding time for you. He said it became something he didn't want. He said he "can't" be a "good" bf or a "full time" bf, or however you want to translate it. He's saying he can't. Won't. Doesn't want to. Won't make time to, won't try, isn't doing this.
I do get the feeling from your note that you were a lot more demanding and smothering than your note lets on, by his saying it happened more than once and it became something he doesn't want.
Had he just stuck to that and been honest about it, you'd have a clear answer that you could take to the bank and not be left with the ability to be confused. Yes, that's right, it's an ability he gave you with all that shit about how he's hurting and he doesn't want to lose you. Stating he doesn't want to lose you is very mixed. He's throwing that in there so you can have just enough doubt in what he's actually saying, to open the way to blame yourself.
This part isn't uncommon at all. Instead of manning up and telling you he doesn't want to have a girlfriend while he's going to school and working and hanging out with his friends, he wants you to think maybe it's your fault.
Why do boys do this. Well, partly because they don't want to stomach the blame. They don't want to be at fault. Just like a kid arguing with his mother why he shouldn't be in trouble for being late because she never bought him a cell phone which would have a clock, or because the kid he was hanging out with lied about a ride or the time, or some other shit. They blame and point fingers and tell tales all to avoid being in trouble.
They learn how to do this by age 4. They have it mastered by 14, and then they carry it throughout their lives. They use it with their coaches, their teachers, and bosses, and partners and wives. They want you to take the blame for their screw-ups, and even when they didn't screw up, when they just want something different or have a change of heart, they want you to take the blame for getting hurt, they don't want to take any responsibility. Please note that I have not said that MEN do this. I said boys. Age doesn't matter. I know 55 year old boys that have never outgrown this.
If you want to get some real kick in the head examples of what I'm saying, check out my hubs Affairs with Married Men, and Unhappily Married Men - Kids Change Everything. There are comments from guys on both of those hubs that actually blame their wives for their own infidelity. It's kind of mind blowing.
Just as in those Hubs, your situation has a circumstance that has occurred; a reason that your boyfriend seems to gravitate towards for his change of heart.Just like the guys on those Hubs, and yes technically physically they are men not boys, but you know what I mean. Emotionally they aren't really mature men, they are 14 year old boys pointing fingers and blaming everyone else. In their situations, maybe the wife changed. Maybe she shifted her priorities, stopped taking care of herself, expected to much, whatever. I stress in both hubs there may be very valid real reasons for the guy to be unhappy. He may have real reasons not to want to be in that marriage anymore. That's fine. What isn't fine, is handling it like a coward. What isn't fine, is lying, cheating, sneaking around, instead of just manning up and telling the wife he isn't happy and he wants a divorce.
Your boyfriend is the same. He should have just manned up and told you he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. He should have just come clean and let you know he just does not prioritize being in a relationship right now. At his young age, that's perfectly normal. He should be focused on school, and hanging out with his friends. It's great that he puts time into his job. There's nothing at all wrong with his wanting to be 25 while he's 25, and not be seeing one steady regular girl 2, 3, or 4 times a week. He could have explained that something way more causal is all he's up for. And he could have pointed out that he sees by how you've behaved that what he wants is not going to go over with you. You want more than that. You are more demanding of his time than he's willing to deal with.
You would have argued, you would have refused to hear what he was actually saying, you would have rarionalized. But eventually, you would have understood, and you would have been able to have clarity on this.
Or would you.
I do get a good handful of emails from the girls that do wind up with a good man, that tells it like it is and gives it to them honestly. And I will admit that most of those girls don't "hear" it. And again, notice I'm saying girls, not women.
I don't mean to play the semantics game, and I'm sure you'll find many places where I call a woman of 45 a woman even though she's behaving like a teenage girl. I' just trying to stress to you that sometimes this is really a matter of experience and maturity. You obviously sound quite together for 21, but at 21 I'm guessing your experience with this sort of mixed signal excuse thing has been limited.
But so much of why guys never learn to man up and own their shit, is because the gals don't believe them when they do.
Many girls go into relationships with an agenda. They are focused on what they want. They really don't want to hear what their boyfriend wants. If the guys tells them, they dismiss it. I think the root of that problem is that the girls don't see things as to different opinions. They see what they want as right, and it's all just a matter of getting the guy to do the "right" thing, like make a commitment, or step up the commitment.
Since that isn't the healthy attitude it takes to build a partnership, the guy is sort of left with the few defense mechanisms he has in order to be heard at all. And his best defense is deflecting blame and causing confusion. He thinks he can't level with you, so he does something else to extract himself from a situation.
Kara, getting back to your very specific situation, he'd like to hang out, but in a very infrequent and casual way. Don't pretend you can do that. You can't. You kind of proved that to him already. You're not in a casual headspace. It would be great if you were. At 21, that would be healthy. But you aren't looking for a date every other week with this guy. You're looking for several times a week and being his priority. Not gonna happen with this guy. Not now anyway. The best thing yu can do is let it go. You said you had a life - which I celebrate and I am so happy to hear that - so it shouldn't be too hard for you to move on here.You sound sincere, and adorable. And I'm sure you'll be just fine. Thanks for your comment.
Do you have a relationship dilemma? Ask me about it. The best way is to email me through my profile. Thanks!