- Gender and Relationships
He Thought After They Got Married Things Would Change. Think Again. - Relationship Advice
I really need some advice. I'm only married less than 1 year and I am all ready thinking about calling it quits for real. When I first started dating my wife she was a beautiful person inside and out. She cared about her appearance. She worked as a secretary and always had interesting work stories to tell. She had her own friends and things and I liked how she was independent. I like to go out with my friends. I work on a construction crew and I like to go out with the guys for a beer or go to the races. In the beginning she didn't mind that. After a year she started changing. She got very clingy and wanted to know where I was all the time. She would get mad if I went out with my friends. She became so insecure and it was horrible. Very unattractive. Plus she started letting herself go. I don't mean to sound like a dick but she was a certain way and I liked that, and then she changed. I did tell her this was not going to fly I didn't like the clingy her. She said it was because she was so stressed out because we weren't married and that as soon as we were married everything would be Okay. Well I believed her and was like oh Okay. Whatever. I was fine with that. So I married her. She immediately quit her job! She didn't talk to me about it she just did it. Nothing was better after I married her like she said it would be. now she's even more nagging! She flips out if I go out with the guys, she sits at home and nit picks. She isn't the person she was when we met. She doesn't go out with her friends, she doesn't work, and god forbid she ever puts on make up anymore. If I say anything it's a fight. She says I'm shallow if I want her to wear make up every day. If I complain about her trying to keep me from seeing my friends she swears I'm up to something. I am NOT going to spend the rest of my god damn life like this. What the hell does she want from me? I tried to talk about this. She wanted me to marry her so I married her. Nothing got better, everything got worse. If she doesn't become that girl I first started dating very soon then I am ending this.
Well let this be a lesson for the kids out there. Anything you're seeing in your relationship is going to intensify after marriage. If you're being nagged to do something like propose, this is going to set the stage for how all situations will be in your future if you marry her.
Same for the ladies. If while you're dating he's possessive and jealous, you can be sure that after marriage it will be 100 x's worse. If he's constantly running home to mom, if she's over spending... whatever it is. It will intensify after marriage.
BostonFan, you're certainly in a bad spot. It sounds as if it's not just one or two things that continued to get worse and worse. It sounds like everything did. It's not uncommon, sadly.
If you are talking about ending your marriage, you have nothing to lose by talking to her and laying down the law. Give her a chance to think about what she's doing. Be clear that you will not spend your life like this. Remind her of the way she was when you fell in love with her. Let her know that you do want to spend your life with that girl. She was interesting. She was independent. She was respectful. She was a fun person and a good partner. She took pride in her appearance and she made you feel happy.
You need to let her know that she can fix this.
Even if you feel like she won't listen to you, and she won't do anything to save the marriage, you should give it this one last liferope of a chance.
When she began to change when you were dating, she told you she'd be better once she was married. That means she agreed with you. She saw what you were saying, and she offered a solution, even if it was a fake-out. She can't deny the facts of what you're saying, since she's already acknowledged them to be true.
Tap into that again. Ask her about that, about why things didn't change. Why didn't she keep her promise. You did your part. You married her when she said that's what she wanted. You wanted to be with that person you originally met so badly that you were willing to marry her and take this chance. What happened? Why didn't she keep her end of the deal?
Sometimes when a guy winds up in the situation you're in I ask them about what they may have done that contributed to the state of things. For example, if you cheated, if you aren't where you say you are, if you've given her reasons to be suspicious or paranoid then that would explain alot. Additionally if you let yourself go you can't expect her to be putting any effort into her appearance. And I'd also ask you if what you're seeing really is the result of not caring. Are you being too critical? Are the outward appearance changes just a matter of time and age?
There are tells in the wording of your email. There's nothing accusing, and there's nothing defensive. I think what you're describing is actually what's gone on, to the best of your knowledge and realizations. I don't feel you're leaving anything out.
But is there anything that you didn't realize? Is there anything you've left out because you just didn't think about it as having an affect on this before. Did she lose a family member? Did her boss change at work? Did a crime happen, like was she mugged or robbed? Did you two have a pregnancy scare? Did someone close to her fall ill, was she in a car accident, did she lose alot of money in the stock market. Did anything happen that may have shaken her whole world from her self esteem to her ability to feel safe?
It is possible that whatever it is, it has nothing to do with you. Just open your mind up to that and consider any and all possibilities.
I'm not saying that if there is an event that has changed her, that you have to remain in a marriage that makes you miserable. I'm not making excuses for her, and I'm not condemning you. I'm just saying that if you figure out a real reason for her to have gone a little cuckoo like this, then fixing it becomes a possibility. If something is broken inside of her, maybe she can get some help. Maybe she can work on it.
Ask her. If you can't figure out anything that could have caused trauma in her mind, ask her if something happened that you don't know about. It is a possibility. You do want to cover all the bases.
Of course there is a good chance that nothing happened. And that this conversation is going to be a yelling match that solves nothing. But even if that's what it is, at least you tried. At least you can end this marriage knowing you did everything you could have done.
Please give us a follow up, would ya? Let us know what happens. Best to you.