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He Had an Affair: Why I Didn't Fight for My Husband

Updated on December 11, 2019
Jade89 profile image

Jade was in an abusive marriage with the biological father of her son who was also having an ongoing affair during their marriage.

Finding Out About My Husbands Affair

One and a half years into our marriage and a 10 month old baby later, I found out that my then husband had been cheating on me. I was broken. I was devastated not only for me but for my 10 month old son who didn’t even understand what was going on at the time.

At first I felt that it would be in the best interest of my baby if I tried. If I stuck around through the infidelity and made it work while hoping that things will get better and the cheating would stop. But I was soon forced into the realization that my husband didn’t plan on being a ‘1 woman man’ despite vowing to do so less then 2 years prior.

Deciding Whether To Leave Or Stay And Fight For My Marriage

Ironically enough, the very same reason why I considered staying was the reason why I chose not to fight . It was all about my son. My ex husband once referred to his infidelity when talking about my son. He said "he'll be even worse than me because of his good looks"... I didn't want that for my son. I didn't want him to grow up watching his fathers behavior and become the same twisted individual. My ex once also confided in me that he suspected his father was cheating on his mother again as he had seen messages indicating that his father was cheating as a teenager. It was clear that his behavior was likened to his fathers and likely influenced by it. I needed to be the one to break the chain. I couldn't let this be passed on to my son. I needed my son to see that it is not okay. By staying and accepting the infidelity I would be demonstrating to my son that it was in fact okay and alright.

According to world renowned psychologist, Dr Phil, a child's most powerful role model is their same sex parent. My ex-husband was not the role model I wanted for my son. I would rather my son maintained his relationship with his father, my ex husband, separately as opposed to it being one in a family environment where my son would witness how I was not treated right.

The Best Predictor of future behavior is past behavior
The Best Predictor of future behavior is past behavior | Source

Statistics: "If He Cheats Once He Will Do It Again"

A yet-to-be-published study by Denver University grad student Kayla Knapp looked at the relationships of 484 unmarried 18-35 year olds and found that people who had cheated on a partner in the past were 3.5 times more likely to be unfaithful in a subsequent relationship.


I Refused To Put My Sons Health At Risk

The risk was too high. At the time that the infidelity was revealed, I was still breastfeeding my 10 month old baby and knowing the risks involved regarding STDs and STIs, I didn't want to contract something from my husband and pass it on to my son. Even if I wernt breastfeeding I wouldn't want to contract something from my husband and have my son loose his mother to some illness.

Source

Contact With My Husbands Mistress

I never did contact my husbands mistress directly. Not because I was scared to. But because I always looked down on shows like The Jerry Springer Show. I was always the girl who said " I would never fight for a man. What's the point in fighting for someone who clearly doesn't love you enough or at all?"

I did have contact with her though without knowing it. She once came over to our apartment at about 1am in the morning too look for my husband who was our drinking with his friends. She said that she was one of his other friends sisters and her brother had sent her with a message for my husband. I'm not sure whether it was the fact that I was woken up at 1am and clearly still half asleep or my clear stupidity that made me gullible enough to believe her story. Nonetheless she looked horrified to see me as I opened the door s I am not sure what story he had given her about me.

After finding out about my husbands affair she made numerous posts on social media about me needing to leave them alone to carry on with their relationship and so forth. None of which I contacted her about.

I guess as the saying goes "never argue with an idiot they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience". I refused to sink down to her level.


Would you fight for your husband / wife if he / she cheated on you?

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Do I Regret The Decision That I Made To Walk Away From My Marriage Without A Fight?

NO.

I stand by my decision 100% and I would not change a thing.

I believe that I made the best decision for my son and I.

Today I am married to an amazing man who loves me and my son more than we have ever been loved before. He is the perfect role-model and father figure for my son and treats us both with the love and respect we deserve.

I will not comment on the role my ex has voluntarily played in my sons life (or the lack thereof) but I will say that I thank God everyday for Blessing my son with the perfect father in my husband who he fondly refers to as daddy.

As a person I have grown a lot since the infidelity. My selfesteem had completely diminished due to all that went on in that relationship with the infidelity being the cherry on top. My now husband has also played a huge role in putting back the broken pieces of me and making me feel and see myself as beautiful again.

Make The Right Decision For You

Many people face infidelity everyday. Some choose to stay and accept the situation for various reasons while others know that they deserve better and choose to walk away. You alone as an individual can make that decision.

Just remember, you can't find the happiness you deserve if you keep yourself trapped in the unhappiness you may find yourself in.

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    • Jade89 profile imageAUTHOR

      Jade Monique Taylor Hiralal 

      2 years ago from Johannesburg - South Africa

      Thanks a lot for another very informative reply.

      Yes, I agree entirely with you...

      Not everyone who has cheated especially in their youth is GUARANTEED to cheat again or continuously, there is always the exception to the rule BUT a cheater is more likely to cheat especially the serial cheater type that you've mentioned.

      You are 100% Correct. I did not go into my marriage even suspecting a divorce but unfortunately noone knows what the future holds.

      Life is filled with events and surprises. Some pleasant and others not BUT "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it". - Charles R. Swindoll

      We cant always foresee or control what happens to us but we can control what we do about it or how we handle it there after. If I had decided to stay in an unhappy marriage where I was not treated well, I would not know now what a happy marriage feels like and neither would my son know the happiness and love of a true family.

      I always believe - Everything Happens for a reason.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      2 years ago from Chicago

      It makes no sense to "fight for a marriage" if (both people) don't share the same values or want the same things.

      There is no amount of "work" or "communication" which can overcome being with someone who simply does not want what you want.

      The very purpose of having "deal breakers" and boundaries is to maintain one's own self-respect and dignity.

      "Relationships are like glass, sometimes it's better to leave them broken, than to hurt yourself trying to pick up the pieces."

      Having said that I do not buy into the "once a cheater always a cheater" concept. If someone can be a former smoker, drug user, or drinker it stands to reason that if a person (wanted) to stop cheating they could. Both monogamy and cheating are choices!

      Just because a 17 year old cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend does not mean they are "doomed" to be a cheater for the rest of their life. People grow and evolve over time.

      Oftentimes during youth people attempt to commit to monogamy for the "other person" because they know she/he wants or expects it. However for the "serial cheater" monogamy is like going on a strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) but rather (when) they will cheat. They get bored easily and are always looking for the "thrill" that comes with being with someone "new". Their motto: "Variety is the spice of life!"

      It's no surprise to me about the study of age 18-35 year old cheaters. Most people in their 20s are immature and really have yet to figure out who (they) are and what they want. They allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices. Truth be told for a lot of guys in their 20s the last thing on their mind is becoming their parents! The whole idea of marriage, buying a home, and having children is like watching their lives flash before their eyes.

      They would better off to stay single until they are in their 30s and truly feel they are ready to start a new chapter in their lives. The problem most serial cheaters have is not being honest with themselves. If you can't be honest with yourself then you can't be honest with those you date or marry. I bet if someone had asked your husband is the last woman you ever want to have sex with for the rest of your life? Odds are his answer would have been "no". Just as I am sure if someone had asked you on your wedding day if you thought you'd get divorced you would have said "no". The future is always uncertain.

      People make promises they can't keep in order to get what they want. If someone they desire requires such promises be made in order to be with them they will make those promises and possibly mean them "in the moment". However if everyone kept their promises there would be no divorces or infidelity. Clearly life is and always has been fluid.

      I suspect when your husband chose to cheat he did not believe he would get caught. Odds are (he) also did not choose to file for a divorce.

      "While we are free to choose our actions we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions." - Stephen R. Covey

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