- Gender and Relationships»
Heart in a capsule
Heart In a Capsule
Bella was always amazed by Celia's inherent proclivity to solitude. Though it was more along the lines of "I am so impressed yet so envious". Bella wondered what would it like to be like Celia, so free of fears and trepidation's, free of the need of companionship. How does Celia do it? What does she tell herself? The wonderment always grew into feeling pride to have such a close friend and ally who gave all but expected little. Celia was completely at ease with being the only single happy hour attendee or an eager volunteer to baby sit Bella's dog on a Friday night. Nevertheless if broached, an almost sanctimonious response awaited her, ‘Why wouldn't I!’. Bella felt that Celia had renounced love and like, turning time into a yawning chasm of multi year exile from real connection and companionship.
Bella wanted so much for Celia, love, companionship maybe children. However, Celia seemed to enclose herself in a pod of comfortable confinement free of pesky dissident emotions. To the outsider, she had effortlessly turned away from the cold and rigid layers of overpowering self doubt, wobbly self esteem or just plain simple fear of the future. But Bella knew, if the layers were peeled back, beneath the hardened surface lay a living pulsating beat of a hopeful heart. However glib the layered garb was, it was meant only to deceive the best of suitors, another hopeful heart. Bella tried coaxing Celia into stepping out and onto the daunting terrain of relationships laced with complexities, rejections and heartache. How could she not, it was a risk worth taking was it not? She feared for Celia and her heart, determined not let the hope wither away.
Bella strongly believed hearts prepare to give and receive love from the day we are born. She spoke to Celia about the enveloping calmness when her mother’s heart beat next to her's as her words soothed her. She asked Celia if she remembered her pulse quickening when a lover lazily caressed the inside of her palm. Or that time long ago, when she squeezed Celia tightly as she wept of a broken heart on her shoulder. There were endless late night conversations between the two friends about freely trusting another to gently hold our tender and bruised hearts in the palm of their hands. Celia seemed to listen intent in gaze and interest pointing doubtfully how can one place our very sacred core in the care of another. Bella response remained the same, to ensure that it receives the life-giving energy it needs to revive itself. The heart responds to company and company alone. Moreover, it wants to experience the nervous flutter of a first kiss or the exquisite agony of heartbreak. The ineluctable fact is with a little help and trust it will heal itself.
Bella met Celia after a particularly intense bikram yoga class. She was brimming with feverish excitement. What is it?, asked Celia. In one seemingly single breathe, Bella poured during a ‘shavasana’ in class today, with my eyes closed and my mind at peace, free from all chatter, my entire life flashed before my eyes. Every relationship failure, disappointment and heartbreak leading ironically to my over enchantment with love, played itself like a motion picture in my head that I could not shake off. I felt a shift in my conscience at that moment as a realization hit me. I refuse to give up on the idea of love but was willing to settle for any sort of consolation I could get in its place, so I kept going, from one relationship to the next. Bella stopped for a breath, a long inhale and then whoosh came out a sigh. Celia blinked ready for the next deluge, but nothing. Bella just stood there, looking intently in her eyes, with gaze so steady that it shook Celia back into the moment.
Are you okay Bell? she finally asked. No, but I will be. This is not the breakthrough I was hoping for Celia. I want love and my heart feels ready. But maybe I should first work on not being fearful of being alone, dont you think, Bella asked. Celia smiled a knowing smile, and simply said welcome to the club of the not too old and still hopeful. They broke out laughing, face in hands from the gut laughter. They stood their for a few more minutes taking in the exchange that led each closer to the other. Both knew what they wished and desired for the other, the unwavering love of a companion. Both smiled deeply walking to their cars aware of what they always were that soul satisfying love and companionship comes in different forms, and for Bella and Celia it was their friendship of 35 years.
Bella looked over her shoulder as she backed out of her spot, saw Celia beckon her to call her phone for a chat on their drive home.