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Help me realize why I am here and what I am good for
Omg please help...make me realize why I am here, what I am good for.
Tonight my mom was in such a bitchie mood when I went to feed her dinner. As she tried to tell me what was wrong in her own garbled words...and I just couldn't figure it out. She well knew I was confused , as she was and began to cry, that cry of help me I feel so lost, the cry of pain and discomfort, the cry of despair I feel sad, as she searched the room for some comfort.
One of the care givers told me to take her for a walk,change the surroundings, they seem to know her better then I do. We did go for a walk around the house, into a few other rooms as she demanded a blanket and was very fidgety, not being wet, or poopie I got her a blanket and took her back to the main room to watch Lawrence Show , she loved to dance as a younger woman. She calmed down and was content to sit there as she does many nights.
Routine is very important in this environment and in this sad disease Alzheimer's... Many doctor's I have heard speak, say that their greatest fear is this disease!
So I kissed my Mother goodbye and came home, a place where I feel safe, yet long for the days of my Mother's care. I feel so un-fulfilled these days , like what good am I to her? I know I am her advocate, I know I am the one who makes sure she has what she needs, though her and my step-dad provided for these times, I know sometimes she recognizes me, but it takes it toll on my mind and my heart.
Why does such a sweet , caring wonderful human being have to go through her last days of life in such a low quality of life, though she may well be connected with her maker, way better then I am. She may be showing me how it is to come to the end of your human life...ALONE...there is no other way.
We are alone when we are born, and alone when we die...oh yes there are loved ones around, but we are ALONE...and this is the only way we can connect with the Superior Being...it is very personal.
So I had some wine tonight to celebrate birth and death and illness, because I am suffering for other's in my family with these things.
Oh the wine just relaxes me once in a while and makes me think, think about how lucky I am and so many of us take for granted what we have, like it is due us.
We earn what we get, we make our own decisions, and are ultimately responsible for our actions...
May GOD guide us and Bless each in the end.