How to Deal With Hate During Divorce and After
Divorces are growing daily with no end in sight. But the first mistake people make is to let hate rule their decisions. Be strong for you, the kids, and the family members that are involved. They may not, but you should. We all get angry, it is a part of life. However, during a divorce, it is necessary to stay calm. Let them be the fool for the courts to see. Hatred does not make things clearer; rather, it confuses and boggles the mind of all who are involved (and even those not involved). Take that equation out and remember that you did love them once.
Believing In You
We give love with all of our hearts and honor the object of our love by doing all we can for them. Sometimes that love is given back, and sometimes it’s not. I have been in a relationship where it is not and I can tell you right now that no matter how angry you get or how deceitful they get, hate is not the answer.
- All you have to do is believe in yourself.
- You may feel raw and empty inside.
- You may feel like your spouse has dragged you over several burning pits.
- He/she may make you hurt so badly that you want to make them feel the same way.
- Believe it, because you can do this!
Don't let yourself fall into the same pit. Understand that you don't have to go there. Know that you are strong enough to move on rather than fall to their level with petty bickering.
Hate Can Do Harm To Both Parties
When we hate, we give our full range of emotions towards that hate.
- We think of mean, angry retorts to their actions.
- We think of how we can hurt them as they hurt us.
- We think of what we can use to ‘force’ them into our way of thinking.
- We even get friends and co-workers involved.
But these things only hurt us more, not them. Hate makes us mean, ugly, hurtful, resentful, and a stranger to those who know and love us. Hate makes us someone we are not. When you hate someone, you actually hate yourself and the fact that you allowed yourself to get close to the one you now ‘hate’. Hate can muddy all of the waters. The worst part of hate is how it will permanently affect you.
By hating, you are actually becoming the object you hate. You fall into a hole that has no bottom. The only way out? Climb! Climb by keeping your emotions in check. Climb by showing that, even though you are just as angry, you are also above the childish actions of your soon-to-be ex-spouse. You are not a child! Neither is your spouse though they may act like it at times. Hurting them will not make you feel better. Instead, you begin to show signs of vengeful behavior. Warning: if you give in to the hate, it won't end with the divorce. It will boil, stew, and rot in your thoughts and feelings. It will tear you apart while your ex-spouse gladly watches your downfall.
Hate mutates into deceit and honors all that is cruel. It mutates in your thoughts and penetrates everything you are and everything you do. It becomes something awful inside you. After the divorce is over, it keeps mutating. It becomes a depression germ. Then it draws you closer and closer to the edge of that bottomless hole. There is no cure for hate. Hate digs deeper and deeper the longer it can live inside of you. Wait too long, and you will suffer setback after setback. No one will be able to live with you, especially you.
When children are involved, the germ infects them the same way. They learn to hate one or both parents. Then they hate who and what they are. They will become combative. They will get involved with dangerous habits that often bring the law into play. And they won't care because they hate themselves!
Keep yourself, and your children, honest. Don’t try to make things up to make your soon-to-be-ex look bad. You can hold your head up high if you don’t bring yourself down to their level. You can come out on top if you only stay honest. Yes, you can hate what they did, but you can’t hate them and never seek revenge. How does that saying go? The truth will set you free.
You hate the action not the person. No matter what happens, you should never hate the person. You can be angry with their behavior. You can hate their smug smiles in court. You can sit in hate and disbelief over their accusations. You can and should never hate them. Why is that bad? Because then you start that fast descent into that hole that has no end. You can help yourself by:
- Keep a journal with dates, times, witnesses, etc.
- Tell exactly what happened even if it takes several pages to get it out.
- Record the outcome and why. For instance: if your spouse went to court and accused you of cheating-did the courts agree or did they seek proof? This step is important because you can take this journal into court with you and prove that on that particular day you were someplace else and you have a witness(es) -who will be listed in your journal.
- Important Note: keep writing in your journal even after the divorce, whether good or bad. These journals often come in handy when questions arise after the divorce is final.
- Don't give up. That is nearly as bad as hating.
You can also try confiding in someone you trust about your spouse's false behavior. Your lawyer, sister, mother, brother, father, it doesn't matter who as long as you trust them. Tell them how you hurt because of the things your spouse has done. Tell them about the lies and deceit before and during the divorce. Ask them for a shoulder to cry on (so to speak), and then go into that courtroom with a head held high. Tell the truth and hope it is enough. Sometimes we have to lose the battle in order to win the war. Don't stop taking them to court until the truth comes out.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!" (originally stated in the epic poem Marmion-by Sir Walter Scott).
Life After The Divorce
Is there life after divorce? Well, that depends on you. If you have let yourself fall into that bottomless hole, life will seem to end. You will have little to nothing--and you will have no one to blame but yourself.
Take a moment, once the divorce is final, to 'shake' off the anger and the deceit that your spouse tried to lay on you. Remember that you are strong, don't need to hate anyone, and smile. Then life will be a wondrous new place for you to enjoy, find love, and live happily. What about the bottomless hole? You will be far away from it. But you might find your ex-spouse hanging on to a thread for dear life. You can't rescue them. Only they have the antidote to avoid that continuous descent. Or, maybe you could make a small suggestion about 'honesty'. Just saying.
Enjoy The World Around You
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2011 Cheryl Simonds