- Gender and Relationships
How to deal with hate during divorce and after
Like the two cats waiting for a bad seed, fighting causes fighting.
You have to believe in yourself!
All our love may not be enough
We give love with all of our heart and honor the object of our love by doing all we can for them. Sometimes that love is given back, and sometimes it’s not. I have been in a relationship where it is not and I can tell you right now that no matter how angry you get or how deceitful they get, hate is not the answer. You may feel raw and empty inside. You may feel like your spouse has dragged you over several burning pits. He/she may make you hurt so badly that you want to make them feel the same way. Don't let yourself fall into the same pit. It will only put you on their level and make thing worse. Believe in yourself! Understand that you don't have to go there. You don't have to be mean to them despite them being mean to you. All you have to do is believe in yourself. Know that you are strong enough to know that it is time to move on rather than fall to their level.
Divorce leaves us asking questions.....
Like -- do I need help?
You can seek help from:
Hate, what does it do?
When we hate, we give our full range of emotions towards that hate. We think of mean, angry retorts to their actions; we think of how we can hurt them like they hurt us; we think of what we can use to ‘force’ them to our way of thinking. But these things only hurt us more, not them. Hate makes us mean, ugly, hurtful, resentful, and a stranger to those who know and love us. Hate makes us someone we are not. When you hate someone, you actually hate yourself and the fact that you allowed yourself to get close to the one you now ‘hate’.
I know that feeling all too well. But by giving in, you are actually becoming the object you hate. You fall into a hole that has no bottom. The only way out? Climb! Climb by keeping your emotions in check. Climb by showing that, even though you are just as angry, you are also above the childish actions of your soon to be ex-spouse. You are not a child! Neither is your spouse but they may act like it at times. Hurting them will not make you feel better, it will actually make you feel worse. You begin to show signs of vengeful behavior. Warning: if you give into the hate, it won't end with the divorce. It will boil, stew, and rot in your thoughts and feelings. It will tear you apart.
One mutation is the depression germ...
Hate, how it mutates
Hate mutates into deceit and honors all that is cruel. Hate mutates in your thoughts and penetrates everything you are and everything you do. It grows and mutates into something awful inside you. After the divorce is over, it keeps mutating. It becomes a depression germ. Then it draws you closer and closer to the edge of that bottomless hole. There is no cure for hate. Hate digs deeper and deeper the longer it can live inside of you. Wait too long, and you will suffer setback after setback. No one will be able to live with you, especially you.
When children are involved, the germ infects them the same way. They learn to hate one or both parents. Then they hate who and what they are. They will become combative. They will get involved with dangerous habits that often bring the law into play. And they won't care because they hate themselves!
Keep yourself, and your children, honest. Don’t try to make things up to make your soon to be ex look bad. You can hold your head up high if you don’t bring yourself down to their level. You can come out on top, if you only stay honest. Yes, you can hate what they did, but you can’t hate them and never seek revenge. How does that saying go?
"When once you contemplate revenge, you must first dig TWO graves."
Keep smiling, who knows someone new might come along....
How do you do this?
You hate the action not the person. No matter what happens, you should never hate the person. You can be angry with their behavior. You can hate their smug smiles in court. You can sit in hate and disbelief over their accusations. You can and should never hate them. Then you will, indeed, be bringing yourself to their level. Why is that bad? Because then you start that fast descent into that hole that has no end.
Instead, keep a journal with dates, times, witnesses, etc. recorded. Tell exactly what happened even if it takes several pages to get it out. Record the outcome and why. For instance: if your spouse went to court and accused you of cheating-did the courts agree or did they seek proof? This step is important because you can take this journal into court with you and prove that on that particular day you were someplace else and you have witness(es) -who are listed in your journal. Important Note: keep writing in your journal even after the divorce, whether good or bad. These journals often come in handy when questions arise after the divorce is final.
You can also try confiding in someone you trust about your spouse's false behavior. Your lawyer, sister, mother, brother, father, it doesn't matter who as long as you trust them. Tell them how you hurt because of the things your spouse has done. Tell them about the lies and deceit before and during the divorce. Ask them for a shoulder to cry on (so to speak); and then go into that courtroom with a head held high. Tell the truth and hope it is enough. Sometimes we have to lose the battle in order to win the war. Don't stop taking them to court until the truth comes out. Don't give up, that is nearly as bad as hating.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!" (originally stated in the epic poem Marmion-by Sir Walter Scott)
Will they remember all the lies they told? Will they remember all the accusations? Not forever, they won't. Probably not even to the next court date.
You will, though, because you have the journal with the truth written down in black and white!
Besides, how can you be unhappy with all of this around?
Life after divorce.....
Is there life after divorce? Well, that depends on you. If you have let yourself fall into that bottomless hole, life will seem to end. You will have little to nothing--and you will have no one to blame but yourself.
Take a moment, once the divorce is final, to 'shake' off the anger and the deceit that your spouse tried to lay on you. Take a moment to remember that you are strong. Take a moment to remember that you don't need to hate anyone. Take a moment to smile. Then life will be a wondrous new place for you to enjoy, find love, and live happily. What about the bottomless hole? You will be far away from it. But you might find your ex-spouse hanging on to a thread for dear life. You can't rescue them. Only they have the antidote to avoid that continuous descent. Or, maybe you could make a small suggestion about 'honesty'............
© 2011 Cheryl Simonds