Her Miracle of Forgiveness
Her Miracle of Forgiveness
Guilt is a powerful weapon against us, as a person can change his or her behavior without even realizing it. He or she can start living in the shadows and hide themselves from the world, or they can become bitter by denying that they may have done something wrong. They can lash out at those who love them when friends and family know that something is wrong and want to help. A guilty person can even go so far as to commit a violent crime against others because they don’t want to face themselves with admitting to a wrong doing. Some even carry their guilt with them throughout their lives if they THINK they have done something wrong in their own mind, but come to find out they did not do anything wrong at all, and have deprived themselves of happiness for decades.
An eighteen year old young woman named Jill went into the military having been raised on extreme high morals and values. In her mind, she believed in doing what was right. She believed in abstaining, from drinking, smoking, drugs, and sex. She was raised to believe that depending on whatever her actions are there could be good or bad consequences that not only affect her own life, but could affect others’ as well.
As we all do while we are growing up, we end up breaking the rules we have lived by. Jill was breaking free from a very strict code at home. She became independent, and knew she should try to live the right way so that she won’t get into trouble. However, living and learning doesn’t work that way; making mistakes is part of how we learn, despite how terrible the consequences may be.
Jill ended up pregnant while in the latter part of her four-year term. It was terrible telling her mother and step-father, her mother cried and told Jill how disappointed she was in her, and the father of the child didn’t believe it was his at first when she finally reached him. Jill's dad actually threatened her telling her he would take her to court to get the kid himself. Having a child out of wedlock was about one of the most moral crimes she could ever have done.
Yet Jill didn’t believe in abortion; in fact, she believed that a child is what makes a family whole. She had a fiery temper that was violent; she didn’t have any patience, and so she didn’t feel she would be a safe choice to keep the child. She didn't feel right about giving it to her anyone in her family because she didn't want the baby growing up being in the middle of the accusation game between family sides. She prayed, and asked for an answer for help, and came to the choice of giving the baby up for adoption. However, she wanted an open-adoption. She wanted to be able to follow the child as he was growing up. She wanted him to know who his mother was.
She went through her church first, because they have an adoption program, but they wouldn’t give her the option of an open-adoption. Then she found a couple that inquired about adopting her baby through a friend. They agreed to do it openly, and agreed to pay any expenses necessary. This couple she interviewed was wonderful people, who had been married for fifteen years, and yet between the two of them, couldn’t have a child of their own. Jill decided these two people, who were solid Christian, and loved each other very, very much, were to be her baby’s parents.
When the baby came, Gareth, and Cindal, was overjoyed. They had everything ready for the baby. His room, and clothes, and baby toys; his food, and supplies where stored in surplus. She knew that they would love this child so much more than anyone ever could. He was going to be so special to them; a treasure that would never be mistreated. However, being an open adoption also meant that the father could find out as well who was going to adopt.
Andy, Brian’s biological father, came to the conclusion it probably was his child after all. He had the means to be able to care for the baby, and his family encouraged him to go to court to obtain his son. After Gareth and Cindal had Brian for a year, Andy took all of the involved parties to court, and won the case. Jill was heartbroken for the wonderful adoptive parents, as well as her son, and herself, because now that Andy had him, she would not be able to see the child again. She gave him up, and so in turn, gave up her rights as a mother
Twenty years went by as Jill was unable to accept what she had done. She continued to live; have a family, a good husband, and two more boys she raised. But in the back of her mind and heart, she would always abuse herself for what she had done. She felt her choices may have ruined the lives of some very good people, and her son. She didn’t know what happened to him. She didn’t know if he was okay, or loved, or even possibly abused. She didn’t feel worthy of forgiving herself, and knew that her son would probably grow feeling she gave him up because she didn’t love him.
Despite the reassurance she received from her husband, and family, and even her counselor, she just couldn’t let go of this guilt. She had a complication of major depression, and PTSD. She beat herself up and agonized over this issue for twenty-one years.
Then one day she received a phone call that went to voicemail because it was a number that she didn’t recognize. The voice on the phone introduced himself with his full name and date of birth. He informed her he was looking for his mother, and has been looking for her for a long time. She could tell he was nervous, and scared, but he was also very brave to make this call.
She dropped the phone, and went to the floor in tears; scared out of her mind, because now she would have to be just as brave and face the music. She called him back and told him that she would call him when she got home to talk to him. She informed him that she was indeed his mother and asked him to please not give up on her if she might be late calling. He agreed, and Jill knew it was going to be a very difficult phone call for the both of them.
That night, when Jill called Brian, they talked for hours. His biggest fear growing up was that she didn’t tell anyone about him, and kept him secret. Her biggest fear was that he would never forgive her for giving him up. That night they were both able to make a path to healing each other’s hearts. Jill never kept him secret from her family. Her husband and two son’s knew the whole story of their mom’s decision and the half-brother they had somewhere in the world.
Brian, never felt anger or resentment regarding Jill. He was always told by his dad and step-mother that she was kind and only trying to do what was right. In fact, Brian, in his search for his mother, came across Gareth and Cindal, who also told him that Jill was only trying to do what, was right. He grew up feeling that he just had to find her from the time he was twelve years old and on. He opened his heart and felt the love that he had for his mother right off the bat.
Jill still had a hard time believing and accepting what Brian had told her. It is hard to turn around twenty years of guilt to forgiving herself for crimes she had done. But the support she had through her family, counseling, prayer, and her son, all helped her eventually find her miracle of forgiveness.