ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

He's Engaged & Starting a New Friendship with an Old Flame. What's Really Going On?

Updated on August 18, 2011

Dear Veronica,

I was reading one of your post and wanted your take on my current situation. I dated a girl in High School and part of the year in college. I was a sr and she was a soph when we started dating. We were def in love. We broke up for no real reasons other than I went 1500 miles away to school. We kept in touch occasionally but that was very few and far between. Fast forward 8 years and now we live in the same city. I am engaged and she has a serious bf who she will be getting engaged with. She reached out to me and we have since met up for dinner 3 weeks in a row. It was really nice to see her, i still care about her but I have no illusions of us getting back together, I think she feels the same way. She even called me to come out and meet her new bf(who lives in another city)
What are your thoughts on this? Is it worth having this friendship with her?


Dear Jason,

This is not going to be the answer you were expecting.

I'm not convinced you should be getting married.

When I offer advice, often there's a lot of broad strokes that I believe in. Things like communication, honesty, and respect are echoed through out all my words. Concepts like frontal lobe development Saturn Returns, and Mid-Life Crisises, cheating, sex, finances, having kids,... some of the basics are build on the same foundations of thought. 

But every person is unique. And every relationship needs to be evaluated individually. Advice, though perhaps founded in my basic codes, still has to be tailored to a specific situation. 

One of the ways I do this, is that I carefully read your email or comment. I look at the words you chose, and the ones you didn't. I think about the things you felt important enough to mention, and the things you assume are given, or unimportant, and are left out. Mostly they are subconscious but they all lend to the underlying turmoil.

Jason there are quite a few "tells" in the way you've framed your email. 

You haven't mentioned your fiance at all. You said you're engaged. That's it. Nothing about her at all. You don't mention if she's jealous of the new friendship with the old flame, if she's the jealous type at all, if you want to preserve this relationship so that's why you're asking about what friendships are appropriate, if you're in love, nothing. 

The ex, however, you clearly review the timeline with her. You say for the record that you "def" were in love with her. This is much more than we've gotten from you about your current girlfriend.

I realize the question is about the ex, so maybe you figured the things about the fiance aren't relevant. But they are. What you didn't say speaks volumes. 

It's almost out of no where you state that you have no illusions about getting back together with the ex. Interesting word, "illusion." It almost conveys hope. It doesn't go to your feelings or wants. It states the negative as ethereal. Basically, what your sentence translates to is, "I don't see how we can get back together because of our lives and commitments, and how hard it would be."

You close with the open ended question, is it worth having a friendship with your ex. Is it worth what? Hurting your fiance? Hoping you will get back together with the ex? The frustration of seeing someone you admitted you were in love with, and you state clearly that nothing ever went wrong with. Distance did that relationship in, not anything unfixable. And, you do make it a point to say there is no more distance. 

All of these little tells add up to this -

You aren't finished with your ex. You really loved her, it was just the wrong time in your life. You don't have closure, and you don't want closure. You want to finish it, to see where it goes. And maybe it is something. You don't know if she feels the same, as she is engaged now to someone else. Your fiance is pretty much the last thing on your mind. You're asking me what you should do? Dealing with the ex is a little painful because you still have feelings. And not knowing if there's a chance, and both of your being involved, yeah - this is going to get messy and someone is going to get hurt one way or another. So, should you just go into denial and trot along in your life, or should you be "friends" with the ex, which may lead to more awakened unresolved feelings.

I'm doing some math here, and I think you're in your Rites of Passage - Saturn Return. 

You're seeing 30, you're feeling older. You understand how rare and beautiful it is to truly connect to someone in a big way - the kind of way that lingers, and defines romantic love.

You don't want to make a mistake. You don't want to hurt anyone. But what would the mistake be? Dealing with the ex even if it means discovering you want her back, and then having to deal with that fall out. Or would the mistake me turning your back on these emotions, denying the friendship and marrying your fiance.

Jason, there's alot of things you have to consider before you can figure that out. For example, does the ex represent being 20? The feelings of love you are rekindling right now, are they all for her? Or is any of it about being 17, 18 years old, having the world ahead of you, having life by the balls, being young and invincible, before taxes and mortgages, before life got complicated and hard. 

It would be very easy to associate being with the ex, with being young. The reality is, if you got back together with her, It's not going to make you 19 again. That's a tough one, isn't it. Many of us confuse missing with remembering.

Another thing you have to consider is cold feet. Are you looking to occupy your thoughts with anything other than your fiance because you're scared? Did life come at you fast? Did she pressure you into the engagement? Is she the person your family would pick, is she the love of your life?

Where do you even start?

I'll give you your first couple of steps.

Number one is that you need to accept that it's not really possible that you really love and ready to marry the fiance, and that you would just like to be friends with the ex. If that was the case, your question would not have been worded or framed the way it was. 

Number two is a little harder. Can you imagine, even for a moment, spending the rest of your life - which could mean 50 or 60 years - without your fiance? Really, the rest of your entire life. Is this woman your soul mate? The love of your life? The One? Jason if you had to think about that, you shouldn't be getting married. 

I don't know if you just need some closure with the ex, or if you want her back. I don't know what she wants. I don't know if your fiance is the right one for you. I don't know if it's all just adding up to your not being ready to get married, to anyone, at this point in your life. I really don't know what's going on, but I know that something is underneath the surface. And I can guarantee you this much - if you get married to the "wrong" one, or you get married when you're not ready to, you will regret it for the rest of your life. 5, 10, 20 years from now you will feel trapped, robbed, and very sorry if you don't handle this moment in your life carefully. You're allowed. 


Submit a Comment

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR


    8 years ago from NY

    Thanks, artrush73!

  • artrush73 profile image


    8 years ago

    Very interesting Hub :)

    Great work Veronica :)


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)