- Gender and Relationships
He's Just Not Into You!
God did not create man to be alone. From Genesis, God designed a companion for Adam so that he would not be lonely. We are not designed to be alone. With that said, each of desires to have companionship, love, and intimacy. Women have a need to be loved, protected, and to build a future with someone special with the ultimate goal of matrimony. Many times, women become overly eager in their quest to fulfill this desire. From friendship, to dating, to intimacy, women begin to feel a deeper connection to her partner. The question is, does he feel that same connection? Are you two in a relationship? Do you both love one another?
Until you hear the words, do not make assumptions. Men are quite capable of expressing their love when they genuinely feel it. They also will settle for a "placeholder," until that perfect love comes along. So the question is, are you that perfect love or are you his placeholder?
You can typically tell when a man loves you. He will tell you often. He will buy you gifts. He will do special and thoughtful things. There will also be moments of intimacy. You will probably receive phone calls, text messages, emails, and other forms of communication daily at the very least, and throughout the day in most cases. If that is not occurring, it is possible that you may not be in the love affair that you believe.
According to the Daily Mail, a new study reveals four commitment patterns in relationships that will lead to marriage. Those are:
Dramatic, the couple with many ups and downs, and spending more time apart than together.
Partner-focused, the couples that value their partner over any and everything else.
Socially involved, couples who are affected by their interactions with social networks.
Conflict-ridden, those couples whose relationships center around arguments.
According to the Daily Mail, "Couples that exhibited partner-focused behaviour were most stable in their commitment to wed, and were the most likely to progress in their relationships. 'Dramatic' couples were found most likely to break up. "
Is there a commitment?
"When I tell a woman I enjoy spending time with her, that is what I mean. I may call her and take her out, but until I ask her to be my girlfriend, she is not. I have not made a commitment."
Relationship Goals: Are You on the Same Page?
When It Is Time to Move On: The Warning Signs
So how do you know when it is time to move on? Well, consider this scenario. There was once a time when he looked at you like you were his everything. Everyone around you could see it and envied it. Suddenly, he begins his "disappearing act." You do not hear from him days at a time and then he suddenly resurfaces with adorations and excuses. Over time, it begins to take longer and longer for your calls to be answered or returned. Your text messages seem to be rapid fire solicitations for attention. He takes forever to respond to you. Why? He just may not be all that into you!
Many women find themselves in this predicament. They miss clear signals and continue a relationship that is one-sided, because they make assumptions and read significance into statements made that just is not there. Men complain about this all the time. According to Kevin Wilson, a bachelor in the Dallas area, "When I tell a woman I enjoy spending time with her, that is what I mean. I may call her and take her out, but until I ask her to be my girlfriend, she is not. I have not made a commitment." John Brown followed that up with, "I have people confronting me when they see me out with someone else and I have never even indicated that I wanted to be in a committed relationship."
All the men agree that they usually distance themselves because they either obtained what they wanted, are turned off by something that a woman does, or they are just not really into her. Robert Nystrom stated bluntly, "Many times, if I lose interest or I am not really into a woman, I may ignore her calls. Sometimes I fill my time with a 'placeholder' until I meet that special someone that I want to be with." The next time you notice a lapse in response, it just may be because the person you are giving your time and attention to is not really into you.
Know the Signs!
- He never asks about you or your interests, likes, or feelings
- He does not share anything about his life, his friends, or the things that are important to him (like you learn his mother was widowed during a chance discussion)
- He never makes plans with you
- He is selfish
- He barely communicates with you (like text messages of one or two words)
- He is off and on
- All he wants to do is have sex
- He shows no genuine interest or concern for you
Heartbroken... Time Wasted...
Cindy* had been dealing with Lawrence* for nearly two years, with a break of several months. The entire time that she knew him, he never inquired about what was going on in her life. He never asked about her fears, desires, concerns and he seemed nonchalant about her well-being. All Lawrence cared about was having sex, while Cindy desired to build a future. Cindy's problem was she made excuses for all the times when Lawrence showed her his true intentions and feelings. In her mind, he had to be on the same page with her, after all, she was much better off financially and was much more attractive than he was. She also had a very nice, generous personality and she felt that this would mean something to Lawrence. She also thought that because she was white collar and he was blue collar, that Lawrence would definitely see her as an asset. Cindy was wrong. Lawrence only saw Cindy as a conduit for sex.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the actual persons involved.
Relationship Goals: The Brass Ring
Richard* was ready for a relationship. Angel* was not sure of his intentions and, due to his age difference, she did not take him seriously at first. In fact, she enjoyed Richard's companionship and intimacy, but was not ready to commit to him. Richard made his intentions clear at the outset, that he desired to be in a serious relationship. After Angel failed to provide him with clear signals that she was on the same page, Richard ultimately lost interest, much to Angel's dismay.
*Names have been changed to protect the identities of the individuals involved.
Have you ever blown someone off that you were not into?
Lisa has dated Simon for a few years. He has told her that he wanted to get married. They were practically living together. He bought her gifts and took her on trips. One day, she learned that he had another woman in his life and they were involved for over ten years. She was puzzled. He seemed attentive. Their only time apart was when he was "working." Why would he tell her he wanted to marry and waste her time? Simon wanted his cake and wanted to proverbially eat it, too. However, Simon was not ready to fully commit. He was just not that into Lisa.