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Coping with your Child's Narcissistic Parent
In a Relationship with a Narcissist
While at the beginning of the relationship, everyone is happy. The narcissist will be glad that they have a new person to cater to their every attention necessities. While the victim will see all of the good aspects that the narcissist will portray, simply to gain their absolute trust. The victim, will of course, continue with their daily routines, going to work, taking care of their bills, participating in social situations, being in what they believe to be a healthy relationship, and being happy with their life. The narcissist might have a job, or might be attempting their best to worm their way into their victim's life completely. While the victim will most likely be completely unaware of what the other person's prerogative is, they will be made to pity the narcissist, thinking s/he is the victim of an unfortunate circumstance. When a narcissist wants a change made within their life, they will try their best, to make everyone in their life empathize with them, and essentially give them what they want, without any sort of repayment. The narcissist will continue with their habits, because they do not see any fault in them. They will also excuse their behaviors and actions, as a result of their 'situation.' The victim will often not realize at first, that the narcissist will continue with their behaviors, and often those behaviors will increase before the victim begins to realize that they are simply being used.
Not Maintaining the Narcissists Happiness
A narcissist will slowly but surely begin to demand loyalty from their victim, whether it be constant companionship, diminished personal respect, financial dependency, or anything similar to those. If the narcissists attention needs are not met, on a daily basis, then they will become more demanding from their victim. When the victim submits to the narcissist, they are only boosting the narcissists mental understanding, that they deserve to receive anything they want in their life. While the narcissist will always play on the victim's need to help people, they will slowly but surely make the victim feel as if they always need to take care of the narcissist, and do whatever they need to do, to ensure the narcissist's happiness. When the narcissist does not get the attention they feel as though they deserve, they will make the victim feel as though it is the victim's own fault for the way that the narcissist feels. The narcissist is constantly learning how to manipulate their victim, and always make themselves seem to be the victim.
Having a Child with a Narcissist
While it may or may not be planned, if it happens, then it is what it is. There is no way to make this into a good situation for the child or the victim. While the mother may or may not be the victim, the narcissist will still feel like their attention is more important than the pregnancy or the child. If the victim is the pregnant mother, she now has additional amounts of stress placed on her. She must take care of herself, and the precious baby growing inside of her, but she must also care for the narcissist, and their attention needs. While the victim will be worn twice as thin as she already was, this change in their situation will only bring out more of the narcissists behaviors. The mother might even have to temporarily leave her job, due to the baby, and the narcissistic father will only see her to be taking away from the attention he believes he righteously deserves. Once the baby is born, the narcissist is still not getting all of the attention that they want, however now they have a much more devoted victim. They will use the child more, always posting for pictures with the child, always seeming like they care about the child, so they are able to get more attention. The other partner will notice, simply because the narcissist will not be a typical new parent, more than ready and willing to do anything for and with the new baby. Instead, they will be demanding all of the parental responsibilities of the other parent, while still being demanded to do all of their other responsibilities as well. This can be overwhelming on the victim, and hopefully soon, they will begin to see what is happening. No matter how long it takes, they will begin to see what they have allowed to take place, for too long.
When the Victim Decides to Leave
After the victim has played their role longer than they should have, against all of the advice of their family and friends, the victim makes the decision that they deserve better for themselves and their child. While the narcissist will make every attempt to make sure that the victim feels more than their share of guilt and remorse for leaving; the victim should always stand their ground. The victim has unfortunately been in that position for far too long. While the narcissist will not have a problem going out and finding a new victim to add to their collection, the victim is left to wonder and worry. They wonder if they will ever find someone who will treat them right. They worry about their child, and how it will impact them. They worry about how the child will grow up, being in separate homes. They have great concerns about when the child is with the narcissist. While the narcissist couldn't care less about the well-being of the child, or about anything, except for finding a new victim to fill their need for attention. The narcissist will try to turn everything around on the victim, as if they made the narcissist act that way. As is the victim wasn't doing enough to keep the narcissist happy. The narcissist often makes the victim become dangerously depressed, long before the victim decides to end the narcissists hold over them. There are many cases, where the victim has contemplated, attempted, and sometimes even succeeded in committing suicide or self harm. This is no way for someone to live their life. They deserve to be happy, and enjoy their lives, to the best of their abilities.
Going on with Life
When a victim moves on from a narcissistic relationship, which resulted in them having a child, the first thing the victim must think of, is the child. Obviously, the health and well-being of the child, is the most important thing. The victim should not speak ill of the narcissist, and try their best, to just not talk about them at all. While the narcissist will be more likely to speak ill of the victim, that is just their nature, and there is nothing that can be done to silence them. Be sure to set rules between the parents, as far as visitations and child support/alimony. The victim should not give, if the narcissist wants to bend the rules. The victim should remain firm in their arrangement. Just because it is inconvenient for the narcissist at the time, does not mean anything. This is not the victim's fault, nor should they pamper the narcissist. The victim should definitely participate in the things that they enjoy doing; pick up a new hobby, or maybe an old forgotten one, make sure that it is something that is suitable for the child to take part in as well. This will keep the relationship between the parent(victim) and child, very healthy. Having children changes a person, for the better. No matter what the victim has had to deal with from the narcissist, past, present, or future; the child should never have to suffer because of it. Keeping the child engaged in an activity, will most likely keep their mind off of the narcissist. While the child will not know to recognize the narcissists behaviors, or know that those behaviors are bad, the child will still love both of the parents. The victim will need to keep a close eye on the child and document any occurrences where the child reports anytime they were treated wrong by the narcissist; actions, comments, or otherwise. There is no doubt that the rest of the victim's life will not be easy. While some victims firmly believe that once the child turns 18, they will never have to speak to or hear from the narcissist ever again; in a fantasy world that would be wonderful. However, in the real world, that is just not true. The parents will unfortunately still have to have some form of communication, for the rest of their lives. It can sometimes be tempting, to submit to the narcissist again, for the sake of the child; they must always remember the past, and keep going forward.