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How 50 Shades of Grey Ruined My Marriage

Updated on July 2, 2012

What a book, what a series ! the book every women in the western world is talking about – ok so I exaggerate, just the women I know!

It’s a book that touches the very essence of us – its about our dreams, our desires and our expectations.

It highlights what can be.. and in my case what isn’t.

Christian took me back to my 20’s – a time when in my own life I had a ‘Christian’ albeit without the Dom side of things. He was strong, focused, intimidating and unlike Anastasia I just wasn’t equipped to handle it. I burned and walked away.

So why has the 50 Shades of Grey ruined my marriage?

Because it woke me up to what I know exists and have never had in my marriage. It reinforced the feelings I have had for over 14 years – of being unfulfilled sexually. Of being the one who is ‘just not into it

I guess I would be if it featured more than a grope of the boobs, a grab of the genitals and a I’m in exclamation! Then 1 minute later its over and he is snoring – slightly unsatisfying to say the least.

Now I know I have a responsibility to perhaps guide/ show him the way, but frankly when your life is so full of stress because you are expected to work to make up the shortfall, manage the kids, sort hospital appointments, play peacemaker, remember the lifelong medication streams and then make sure the rest of the house functions, showing someone how you’d like to be touched just doesn’t feature – in fact it's annoying.

I want to scream, why can't you focus on me the woman. Why does my laughter not excite you. Why do I have to accept that having my boobs grabbed or my underwear unceremoniously stripped from me is foreplay.

Where is the intimacy – the talking, the sharing of feelings?

When I ventured forth and asked about how he feels about me the response was “I don’t talk about that stuff’ and yet this is the man who appears on a video declaring I am his soul mate, his best friend –he forgot to mention his mother, PA, legal assistance and financial manager.

So 50 Shades of Grey, you have woken me up to what can be. Yes it’s a story, a novel, a fairy tale and I should just accept my lot – I can't – I need to live , if not for me, for the sake of my children.


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    • adams07 profile image

      Samantha Adams 2 years ago from Auburn, GA

      I have read this trilogy and seen the movie and think that people are taking it WAY too far. You're claiming it highlighted all the bad spots in your marriage and shed light on the fact that you had been unhappy for years? The fact of the matter is that it doesn't take a book or a movie to show you that you're utterly unhappy in your marriage. Marriage is not a love story or a fairy tale...it's hard work and it doesn't come easily. This book should've been used to help your sex life not destroy your marriage. My husband and I read the books together and sometimes out loud to each other and then would spend some "alone time" together after reading. It made our sex lives better; of course, that could be because I know the difference between fantasy and reality. Do I expect that at 30 years old with 4 kids that some young, rich, god is going to stop everything to be with me...uh no! Your husband should be your God and you should be his Goddess. I find this is a complete cop out for having a terrible marriage and needing someone else to blame for it. Not once did the writer of this hub take any responsibility for the flaws in her marriage...you're the one that chose this man; obviously fault #1!

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 2 years ago from Southern California, USA

      Some of the comments on this hub are rude. Oh no, a woman pointed out that being in a dominating relationship is not healthy. Well guess what: I do not think it is healthy for either men or women to be in such relationships. Not only does this book make it seem sexy for a woman to be submissive, but it also plays into the formulaic idea that men should be young, rich, and sexy to be desirable. How about people just treat each other decently, and find a reason not to put each other down in the comments. By the way, being in a relationship should not determine anyone's self worth. Everyone gets older, and a divorced woman with children is not unattractive just because she is not some twenty-something lithe thing. The same goes for older men who are no longer in their prime. I think being independent,kind, and thoughtful are far more important things.

    • profile image

      # notsomebasicbitch 2 years ago

      I can't believe what I'm reading. Are these women seriously blaming the downfall of their marriages on a fictional (not to mention poorly written) book series!? Don't get me wrong, I loved the books, but seriously, these books didn't ruin your marriages. Your willingness to settle for less, or lack of confidence, or unwillingness to embrace your sexuality, or many other things ruined your marriage. NOT a book series. I used the books as an opportunity to seduce my man, by randomly reading portions of them out loud to him, and I can tell you I got done right every time :-) Don't blame some book series on your failed marriages. It's sad and pathetic. Own your faults and stop being so basic!!

    • profile image

      Anonymous 2 years ago

      50 shades of Grey destroyed my parents marriage. My mother read these books and it completely changed her and brought back her cheating ways. She wrecked my fathers life as well as her 3 kids lives. I think you should consider yourself lucky... Instead of being so selfish and uncaring.

    • profile image

      a message for burnt men 2 years ago

      Throughout the comments section there have been men who have posted comments on how their marriages have been burnt by this book. My message is to you.

      Pick yourselves up by the fucking bootstraps and march forward. Has your wife started seeing some new guy? Good; kick her the fuck out, lawyer up, and start lifting weights. Guess what? Women age like milk and men age like wine. Instead of whining about how your wives threw away a decade over some book; go out and find a younger, hotter woman to hook up with. Men, work on yourselves. Start new and exciting hobbies, boost your careers and earning potential, workout and lift, and stop placating to your wives and their demands. Women do not give a fuck about YOU personally. They only care about what kind of life you can supply them with, especially if you're her beta provider. Today is the day you take back your balls and start living for YOU. It's never too late.

      The two most powerful things in a man's arsenal are stepping out and walking away. Do not be afraid yo use them.

    • profile image

      Diggs 2 years ago

      More and more women (and men), are showing themselves to be the moraless whores they are. Society has degraded so much. You want to leave your spouse for a sick, twisted fantasy? How emotionally disturbed you all are. And how pathetic. You don't know or, deserve love. Sex isn't love. BDSM is sick. Give or accept pain. Truly disturbing. The writer of this blog needs to seek counseling. So do all the others reading and participating in this masochistic dead-end. You've all not only destroyed the lives of good, loving people but, your own as well. Trust me, you WILL pay the price for what you do. It will catch up to you sooner or later. when your meaningless life of perverted sex gets tired and, you have no love and no connections, I want you to look back and see what YOU alone wrought through your sick desires. You couldn't stand too be happy so, you chose a destructive lifestyle of perversion instead. Why not just take drugs or....become an alcoholic? In the end, all of these types end up the same. The author of "50 Shades" is getting rich off of your emotional baggage and, laughing all the way to the bank at how stupid people are.

    • profile image

      wtf 3 years ago

      Everyone here has a valid point. First, Lets not forget that the author of this article tried to express her sexual dissatisfaction to her husband and he just blew her off. That is a no go. In the one year that I have been married, I have bent over backwards to make sure that my wife is sexually satisfied, that she laughs everyday, that she feels loved and special. I always dress to impress her, I stay in shape, I manscape regularly, and I keep it spontaneous in and out of the bedroom. (And the world is our bedroom, believe me.) I talk to her everyday for hours, and listen to her problems. I share with her a few of mine from time to time - even if I don't need her to listen - that way she still feels that she is important to me because I come to her with my problems. We go on dates regularly. Look, work is not an excuse - ever. I'm a soldier, I work 12 hours a freaking day. I'm still responsible for the welfare of my subordinates even when i'm off duty. Juggle that around with school and house keeping, I could easily say I have too full of a plate to lavish on my wife. But a man who makes excuses isn't a man at all. Husbands, you need to remember why you fell in love with your wife in the first place, and why you made a vow to make her your one and only. Step up to the plate, remind her that if you had to compete for her heart, you would, and you would fucking win. And look, if it takes spontaneous, hot kinky sex to keep her happy, well then it looks like you have your work cut out for you then doesn't it? She comes first. Always. She cums first. Always.

      Learn how to cook. Learn how clean. Learn how to Fuck. and Learn how to Communicate.

      Women!! Don't expect to be his everything if he is not your everything. Not all men came out of their mother's womb with a six pack and a fat stack of cash, a perfect head of hair and a long thick cock. If you spend your time day dreaming about another man, fictional or not, a celebrity or your next door neighbor, then don't complain about not getting the attention you crave because you don't deserve it. If your husband works and you don't, take care of the house and kids. when he comes home treat him to a massage or dinner. Not because society thinks its your role, but because hey you love your husband and he deserves it. Are the kids to much of a work load? THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR. Pawn the kids off on a friend and go for a walk and a picnic with your husband. End the night by dressing up in Lingerie.

      Ladies, under stand that a dysfunctional penis is a dysfunctional penis. Don't label the dude as an inadequate lover because his meat and potatoes are soggy or small. There are exercises to lengthen and thicken his junk, to help with premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Work with him, communicate your needs but emphasize that they are needs because you desire to have sex with him - not that you just desire to have sex. DON'T MAKE A BLOG ABOUT HIS DYSFUNCTION LIKE THIS WOMAN CLEARLY DID! I have a dysfunction myself, sometimes it takes hours for me to ejaculate -and trust me, that is not a good thing. But me and my wife talk about it and are doing everything we can to fix the problem. We are a team.

    • profile image

      Astonished 3 years ago

      It's really quite surprising just how hurt and angered these men on here sound. You can't just blame the book. A confident women that feels loved and fulfilled in her marriage wouldn't just up and leave over a book. It's easy to blame it on the one tangible thing you can find but the truth is that something was missing and the two of you didn't work it out. Whether the realization came from reading the book or not.

    • profile image

      now divorced 3 years ago

      After finally achieving the American Dream - home ownership, beautiful son, two dogs, paid off cars, wonderful family..... My stay at home wife decided to abandon me and her child to go out and meet random men to fulfill some fantasies after reading these books. Barely read a book in her life and after 12 beautiful happy years together and 5 years of faithful, happy marriage almost immediately became a whore once she finished the mental mindfuck. Congratulations woman. Didn't want to say told ya so, but her regret of leaving her extremely loving and faithful husband is already wreaking havoc on her. I could go on forever but it wouldn't matter. This book is certainly the beginning of the end of all things pure and good.

    • profile image

      Surprised! 3 years ago

      I've almost finished the trilogy and I found them good but I wouldn't take it so seriously to the point where I would question my marriage or the man I fell in love with.

      Let's be honest, Christian Grey had a horrific upbringing and has been messed up right up to his teen's. He continued this disturbing "dom" lifestyle until he met Anastasia Steele. I'm no psychologist but i'm certain it would take longer than, what, 5 weeks to change the only lifestyle you've known to become this man who's deeply in love, married and hoping for children!! Do people not see how absurd this is?!

      I get the sexual attraction and woman desiring things that this book has pointed out (i've made a few mental notes of a few things myself ;p ) but seriously, is your marriage not worth more than a $20 fantasy book??

      Please please please don't throw away your relationships because of this book. Through a little talking to your partner (your normal, every-day, down to earth, hard working, loving, adoring, i-don't-usually-get-emotional-and-talk-about-my-feelings, i-don't-declare-my-love-for-you-every-minute-of-every-day partner) you'll probably find that he loves and adores you just as much, if not more, as Mr Grey adores Ms Steele.

      If you want to take one thing out of the book, take a few ideas from the multitude of bedroom scenes and introduce them to your husband. Enjoy it together :D

    • belleart profile image

      belleart 3 years ago from Ireland

      Im a little confused, I thought this was going to be a great subject because the truth is, this book is causing soo many problems...however, what Ive found is a group of women that are trying to live a fantasy life based on some teenage fan fiction. Mr grey is not the perfect man, nor is he anything like the sort of man that can have a serious and loving relationship, never mind a family.

      He is sadistic, dominating in all areas of life, not just sexually, and treats Ana like a prostitute....he buys her nice clothes and gets ehr the dream job and for what?? So she can take part in his sadomasochistic humiliating sex games....

    • profile image

      mreister 3 years ago

      thank you "someone really disturbed" .. The whole subject gets my heart racing in a terrible way to the point that it's hard to sleep.. The attitude that its just a book and a husband is overreacting if he doesn't like it or gets upset about it, is complete bs. here's a scenario, what if your husband was reading and getting excited about about a woman whos vagina could make him feel so much more pleasure than yours could. especially if you already felt insecurity in that area. I could go on and on but I am to disturbed. its just evil, like porn, and worse in many ways (which is also much more damaging for men) the pig Author should be ashamed

    • profile image

      someone really disturbed 3 years ago

      okay...this is plainly sick...you lot are DESTROYING your marriages because you wish some young, filthy rich, "well endowed", acculturated and whatever "perfect" man out of that book to someday knock at your door asking to be his? please...PLEASE! tell me this is a parody site, tell me that you are not leaving YOUR CHILDREN BEHIND to live some teenage-like sexual fantasy just like that! I have read every comment expecting someone telling me that "It looked real" before explaining that everything was a parody...people? do you know that THIS...THING (I refuse to call it a book in respect of REAL writers) used to be a fanfiction? about twilight nonetheless? a story written by some delusional person daydreaming? you are sickening me, I swear that if it was possible I would gladly slap you just like your mothers apparently refused to do to teach you the difference between fiction and FANTASY.

      to those men that even trying to mend their "mistakes" were forced to see the women they loved, the women they saw as the most important thing in the world run away behind some "Grey" perfect man...you have all my support, for all that is worth, to me you are not at fault, you tried to change, you tried to "adjust the situation", you did your part, it's your partner that should have done the same.

      I pity you woman that read this THING, I pity your being so frail that at the first "description of a perfect relationship" you throw away REAL love, you woman didn't understood a thing about Life, live your Fantasy, I won't bother you since I am NOT Mr. Grey, and I thank God everyday for that.

      to every men damaged by this "Book" I am sorry for my outburst, you are not at fault if your pleas about talking weren't listened, I just wanted to take this out of my system, I hope you will find back your happiness.

      with all my respect and love, my friends.

    • profile image

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    • profile image

      Janet 4 years ago

      I felt the same way as any other woman with heartbreak and What would I have done if not for DR. orinoko, my name is Mrs. Janet, I am 27. years old and I have a son. Unfortunately almost a year ago his father broke up with me because of a mistake I made and I just really want.him back. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I want.our family to be complete again, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I read online that he helped a girl in this situation and I contacted him for help. I grew up with my parents divorced and I don't want that for my son and I miss my husband so much and just want our family to be whole again I want the love of my life back and I can honestly say that because he is the only man I have ever truly loved with all my heart. So I seek help from orinokosolutiontemple1@gmail.com and he responded to me and he cast a love spell for me which I use in getting back my husband and I am happy and grateful to him for helping me and I want you all to also have the opportuinity I had also, orinokosolutiontemple1@gmail.com is the only through spell caster I have ever known. Good luck

    • profile image

      Another very sad man 4 years ago

      Ten years down the drain. Two young children permanently scarred. I was in Afghanistan when she read the books, and I wanted to be supportive and see if we could work some of those aspects into our life when I came home. She didn't wait and started a relationship with another man. For the last five months I tried to get her to work on fixing things with me. But the fantasy of what could be, is stronger than what is. No man can compete with a fantasy. She moved out this weekend. I actually helped her do it. I love her, but that just isn't enough.

    • SidKemp profile image

      Sid Kemp 4 years ago from Boca Raton, Florida (near Miami and Palm Beach)

      Thanks for your honesty - you're in a tough spot. But nothing can ruin your marriage except you or your husband, by not caring, or by giving up. I know, I've been there. Many marriages with problems like yours have been saved by a woman willing to learn love more deeply and make them work. You can find some of the stories in https://pairedlife.com/relationships/Five-Love-Lan... .

      You know what is best for you. Whether you make your marriage work or move on, I wish you success in love.

    • profile image

      A very sad man 4 years ago

      Well I am going through this right now. My wife read 50 shades and then completely changed after. I found out she was sending pictures of herself to guys she met on fetlife. So then I try doing the counseling thing and it seems to be working until she continues another online relationship with another man. I read the book and did all the things the therapist asked me to do and it did not work. I have two young children and love my wife with all my heart. A twelve year relationship down the tubes. And two children caught in the middle.

      Instead of telling me her feelings she choose to lie, be deceptive, and put our family at risk having relationships with other men in the BDSM lifestyle.

      I may not have been the best husband but I have always been there for my family. I work hard everyday to provide for my wife and kids. To me that is true love.

      Unfortunately I feel like used goods now. Wish she would have just come to me and said that she was not happy. I really would have tried to please her because I love her so much.

      Our marriage counselor told me that she is seeing so many marriages and relationships being ruined by this book. It really makes me sad because there is no one out there who is going to give you happiness if you are not truly happy with yourself.

    • profile image

      Dan 4 years ago

      Something for nothing. Its the american dream right. You want your relationships to work, but you don't want to work at them. It should be free, and fairy tale like. Just like all the princess stories you were spoon fed as someones child once upon a time. And since you have all those mother duties and responsibilities in life the man should just forget he's working his face off too and you should never talk to each other about any of the taboo problems your facing. That would make sense, and we can't allow that ever.

      You chose a mate to be with, you chose to give that mate children. You are committed at this point, and your only two options are to run away to another relationship(which you think could never go wrong right?) or realize that this thing called reality needs to set in. You owe it to your man to inform him things need to improve and you won't settle, he'll wake up and listen.

    • profile image

      noexcusesnow 4 years ago

      I cannot believe that reading someone's fantasy descriptions of a man could be uses by partners to "realize" how bad their live have been. Open you eyes to the emotional con job you are submitting yourselves to! This perfect man has never existed nor will he ever exist. But hey if you want to destroy what you already have, dwell daily on your partners lack compared to mister perfect romance stud, and you will surly get even more frustrated with your life go deeper into relationship depression i grantee you!

    • profile image

      A second males view 4 years ago

      Are you kidding me? This is exactly why men should not marry women in the first place. Jesus Tap Dancing Christ, women are so self-centered. Guess what? If he adored you like you wanted, you'd love him just as less as you do now. HEED my words boys! Don't get married or this could be you. The good news is, at your age and with kids, no one like Christian Grey is going to find you attractive, ever. So go ahead and take half of what is yours (probably more) and set out on your noble quest to find Mr. Grey, but know that us attractive men will not touch you with a 10 foot poll!

    • profile image

      A males view 4 years ago

      oh my god.. talk to your husbands before its too late. Have any of you ever thought that the way you are feeling after reading these books and getting rejected is the way your husbands may have been feeling for your entire marriages.. My feeling for eroticism have been continually suppressed until now, and I had the best sex I've ever had today with my wife, after accidentally finding out that she's been sexting her fantasies with another man and didn't have the courage to talk to me. Talk to your husbands and mean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! before its too late.

    • profile image

      Zeiks 4 years ago

      After reading these comments...faith in humanity reduced to -100. Yes please let a book make you regret and be unhappy with your life.

    • trusouldj profile image

      trusouldj 4 years ago from Indiana

      Kelly and Fedupwife ... It works both ways. I've started to feel like "Mrs. Roper" from Three's Company.

    • profile image

      Pjaydog 5 years ago

      Hi Messedupmum, I wondered if you would be willing to talk publicly about your latest post? Is there a way we can get in touch so I can discuss this with you? Perhaps through email and somewhere less public.

      Best wishes,

      Pamela

    • profile image

      kellys19 5 years ago

      I am in very not in love with my husband marriage. He gives me no emotional support, no affection ,no passion ,no romance, no how r u, no how was your day. The only thing he is good at is silence or weather. We do not talk about our marriage and how we feel for 25 years. When I try to talk about it he wants a divorce. He is in denial, but only tells me that we r perfect couple. I want to cry. I have knots in my stomach when I think how unhappy I am. He is good man for a different woman. We have 3 children and it is hard to leave. I am hoping that my life will change maybe and he will realise how miserable I am. To Fedupwife - I understand your situation too well.

    • messedupmum profile image
      Author

      messedupmum 5 years ago

      Sadly for many couples this is how we live. Not because we don't hate each other, but because there seems to be no other option. This series of books has only highlighted areas of our lives that have been missing. And you are so right its not the material things, the money or even the sex. Its the adoration, the care and the fact that Christian thinks about Ana constantly that we are missing. We get so tied up in caring for others.. that no one takes care of us. Fedupwife - there are so many of us out there married to good men - but so trapped. big hugs to you.

    • profile image

      Fedupwife 5 years ago

      You're not alone... I never had a Mr Grey but I soooo want one, or something close. I don't care about money or material things whatsoever but I long to be loved and adored like Anastasia... I've been in a loveless, lifeless and practically sexless marriage for nearly 10years. My husband is a good man but i am no longer inlove with him, in fact i don't know if i ever was. He was my childhood sweetheart and the only man i've ever been with so i have nothing to compare to but anythings gotta be better than this. We have two amazing children who we both adore and this makes it harder to end my marriage but i am so unhappy, I cry myself to sleep everynight and it's got to the point where i can't even look at my husband and I certainly can't bare for him to touch me... I know my husband is nolonger inlove with me but he is a proud man and has told me in nouncertain terms will he end our marriage or agree to let me do it and I know he would make my life hell if I did... I just long to be loved unconditionally and for who I am.

    • kellys19 profile image

      kellys19 5 years ago

      you r not alone. in my case man who loved me deeply made me aware of that. i had to let him go. we were both married . we had very platonic relationship even though he wanted to be also physical. the time we spend together had more meaning in my emotional sphere , the love that he gave me that 25 years with my husband. i am angry- yes, but more fullfiled than before. i need him so much , but i no longer have contact with him. i miss him terribly.