- Gender and Relationships
How Important is Chemistry in a Relationship?
one girl's story
Let me just say from the begining, it's crucial. CRUCIAL!
I used to think I had no chemistry with my ex-husband, until I met -let's call him John. John is a great guy, nice guy, hard working, funny in a quiet dry sort of way. I dig that. The whole nice guy with naughty jokes thing.
What I'm not into is how he can see me in dirty lingerie and not even let his glance linger. Boy, the night I did that was a big mistake! There I stand all naughty, after hours of bathing, prepping, painting nails, plucking, putting on make up. I mean, I was done up right! I walk in his door.. He sits down on the couch and I tear off the trench coat with this sultry look on my face.
To which he replies "come sit down. Let's watch a movie."
What?!!! "Are you fucking kidding me?" my thoughts race.
Rule number one here men, when it comes to lingerie... You must have some reaction, whether it be staring, stumbling on your words, or tearing it off. There has to be some kind of reaction, otherwise you may never ever get to see that sort of thing from her again!
Rule number two.. Do you really think I came over to watch a movie? Think about it!!
Rule number three.. Do not expect a woman in lingerie to sit around in the middle of winter to do something as mundane as watch a movie with you. And why in the hell would you want to?
Obviously John is not your average guy. He's inexperienced and awkward, when it comes to sex, even somewhat indifferent. I, however, am not. We've been in bed, in the middle of having sex and I've looked into his eyes, and he looks like a deer in the headlights!
You see, John and I were friends before we started dating. Now, how that usually goes is... Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl becomes friends. There's a spark, and they start dating.
In our case however, in place of "there's a spark" there was Girl knows Guy has a crush on her. Girl is in therapy because she's been dating men that are terribly bad for her, so she gives Guy a chance - following therapist's advice.
John knew all this, by the way.
We dated for a few weeks, and our dates were fantastic. Points for John! Great conversation, and he makes me laugh. Ding ding!! Two more points for John, but like I said no chemistry beyond that.
I finally tell him. There's no chemistry. There's supposed to be a spark. Haven't you heard that saying "Love is friendship on fire"? Before there can be fire, there has to be a spark.
John fights it. He wants to talk about it, as if he can talk his way into some chemistry. Then, he speaks to his Mom and realizes that it doesn't work that way. He gives it two weeks. Doesn't contact me. After the two weeks, especially when I didn't even realize it had been that long, he relents. He says I'm right, and we should remain friends.
Now he's back at it. "I still wanna hang out with you". That's fine, I didn't think much of it. Sure, I'll call him.
Then tonight I get the "friends with benefits?" text. So, I make a joke, and he comes back with "I just want to cuddle". If he were your average guy, that would be a fuckin' lie but he's not. I know he's serious!
What makes this situation even more hilarious is that my girlfriend and I have been joking about that with regards to him. My girlfriend had one of her exs call her at 2am. Now you know that's a booty call. She didn't let him come over, despite his insistence that he just wanted to cuddle. But he's a regular guy, and it was 2am so she knew it was a lie.
"It might be different if I that was actually true" she said. I replied "Call John, he loves to cuddle." Laughter ensues, and this wasn't my first joke about it.
So, friends with benefits. No, because that usually means you are sleeping with your friend, not cuddling them.
I am considering the situation. I have to say I wouldn't mind having someone to watch movies with when I'm here without the kids. I really like to have my hair stroked and fall asleep with my head on a man's lap... but it was so awkward with him!
And what if he wants to sleep over? Damn it! He's slept over before, and it was always uncomfortable for me. He wants to have his arms around me all night, and I can't sleep just thinking it's John laying there. I don't like him that way. If I'm excited about a guy-- I'm all over this kinda situation.
Then I have to wake up in the morning and he's still there! It stinks to start the day with slumped shoulders and a frustrated sigh. "Ah man!" I whine.
Then as I get ready for work, I wonder when he's gonna get up and I practice how I'm going to wake him, politely. "Get up, get out, time to go!" just doesn't seem nice, so I actually practice! "Hey, I've gotta go to work. Time to get up." is about the best I can muster.
When I'm excited about a guy, when there's a spark... I wake up all kinds of giddy, and don't have to practice what to say to him! Kiss him as I go, and ask him to lock up when he leaves.
This situation stinks! I thought I had this taken care of! Now I'm right back to practicing what I'm going to say!
Having to tell one of your friends that you don't like him that way is a very difficult thing. It's brutal! I really don't want to hurt his feelings, so why does he make me keep doing this over and over again?
How important is chemistry in a relationship? It's crucial. CRUCIAL! So, if you don't have it, why keep beating your head against the wall? Just let it go!