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How Important is Chemistry in a Relationship?

Updated on February 16, 2011

one girl's story

Let me just say from the begining, it's crucial. CRUCIAL!

I used to think I had no chemistry with my ex-husband, until I met -let's call him John. John is a great guy, nice guy, hard working, funny in a quiet dry sort of way. I dig that. The whole nice guy with naughty jokes thing.

What I'm not into is how he can see me in dirty lingerie and not even let his glance linger. Boy, the night I did that was a big mistake! There I stand all naughty, after hours of bathing, prepping, painting nails, plucking, putting on make up. I mean, I was done up right! I walk in his door.. He sits down on the couch and I tear off the trench coat with this sultry look on my face.

To which he replies "come sit down. Let's watch a movie."

What?!!! "Are you fucking kidding me?" my thoughts race.

Rule number one here men, when it comes to lingerie... You must have some reaction, whether it be staring, stumbling on your words, or tearing it off. There has to be some kind of reaction, otherwise you may never ever get to see that sort of thing from her again!

Rule number two.. Do you really think I came over to watch a movie? Think about it!!

Rule number three.. Do not expect a woman in lingerie to sit around in the middle of winter to do something as mundane as watch a movie with you. And why in the hell would you want to?

Obviously John is not your average guy. He's inexperienced and awkward, when it comes to sex, even somewhat indifferent. I, however, am not. We've been in bed, in the middle of having sex and I've looked into his eyes, and he looks like a deer in the headlights!

You see, John and I were friends before we started dating. Now, how that usually goes is... Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl becomes friends. There's a spark, and they start dating.

In our case however, in place of "there's a spark" there was Girl knows Guy has a crush on her. Girl is in therapy because she's been dating men that are terribly bad for her, so she gives Guy a chance - following therapist's advice.

John knew all this, by the way.

We dated for a few weeks, and our dates were fantastic. Points for John! Great conversation, and he makes me laugh. Ding ding!! Two more points for John, but like I said no chemistry beyond that.

I finally tell him. There's no chemistry. There's supposed to be a spark. Haven't you heard that saying "Love is friendship on fire"? Before there can be fire, there has to be a spark.

John fights it. He wants to talk about it, as if he can talk his way into some chemistry. Then, he speaks to his Mom and realizes that it doesn't work that way. He gives it two weeks. Doesn't contact me. After the two weeks, especially when I didn't even realize it had been that long, he relents. He says I'm right, and we should remain friends.

Now he's back at it. "I still wanna hang out with you". That's fine, I didn't think much of it. Sure, I'll call him.

Then tonight I get the "friends with benefits?" text. So, I make a joke, and he comes back with "I just want to cuddle". If he were your average guy, that would be a fuckin' lie but he's not. I know he's serious!

What makes this situation even more hilarious is that my girlfriend and I have been joking about that with regards to him. My girlfriend had one of her exs call her at 2am. Now you know that's a booty call. She didn't let him come over, despite his insistence that he just wanted to cuddle. But he's a regular guy, and it was 2am so she knew it was a lie.

"It might be different if I that was actually true" she said. I replied "Call John, he loves to cuddle." Laughter ensues, and this wasn't my first joke about it.

So, friends with benefits. No, because that usually means you are sleeping with your friend, not cuddling them.

I am considering the situation. I have to say I wouldn't mind having someone to watch movies with when I'm here without the kids. I really like to have my hair stroked and fall asleep with my head on a man's lap... but it was so awkward with him!

And what if he wants to sleep over? Damn it! He's slept over before, and it was always uncomfortable for me. He wants to have his arms around me all night, and I can't sleep just thinking it's John laying there. I don't like him that way. If I'm excited about a guy-- I'm all over this kinda situation.

Then I have to wake up in the morning and he's still there! It stinks to start the day with slumped shoulders and a frustrated sigh. "Ah man!" I whine.

Then as I get ready for work, I wonder when he's gonna get up and I practice how I'm going to wake him, politely. "Get up, get out, time to go!" just doesn't seem nice, so I actually practice! "Hey, I've gotta go to work. Time to get up." is about the best I can muster.

When I'm excited about a guy, when there's a spark... I wake up all kinds of giddy, and don't have to practice what to say to him! Kiss him as I go, and ask him to lock up when he leaves.

This situation stinks! I thought I had this taken care of! Now I'm right back to practicing what I'm going to say!

Having to tell one of your friends that you don't like him that way is a very difficult thing. It's brutal! I really don't want to hurt his feelings, so why does he make me keep doing this over and over again?

How important is chemistry in a relationship? It's crucial. CRUCIAL! So, if you don't have it, why keep beating your head against the wall? Just let it go!


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    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Have you ever considered the posibility that these men who 'would rather cuddle' were not straight? But were trying thir hardest to be straight. I know a couple of guys in their 50's who didn't admit to themselves that they were gay well into their 40's. They constantly dated women and their relationships all became platonic. They are not camp guys, both are rugged outdoor types who swear and spit with the best of men! It's just a thought in case you were still cnfused why they didn't rip off your G-Strings with their tongues hanging out. Warren.

    • blue.lotus profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Cali

      Yup, chemistry can make all the difference... Love your line "...after we ran back to each other after a break".

    • profile image

      guilty manners 

      6 years ago

      (my husband) has mentioned before how talking to other girls is just, different, to talking to me...

      (he's said this after we ran back to each other of a "break"...)

      I'm glad we have chemistry...! Glad to call him hubby.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      so beautifull stor

    • blue.lotus profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Cali

      @Starting over... SO glad to hear you have found an amazing guy WITH that chemistry! Keeps my hope alive, because I too have wondered IF you really can have both.

    • profile image

      Starting Over 

      8 years ago

      Wow I wish I had looked up stories like this on chemistry before I married a guy who I had zero chemistry with. He was the perfect guy on paper and I was tired of being jerked around by guys that I had super chemistry with but they didn't treat me right. I started to think that you couldn't have it all, a nice guy and firey chemistry. I ended up being with this guy for 8 years, married for three of them (thankfully no kids). He was an amazing guy we were truly bestfriends, but after about 6 months into the relationship I realized that I really felt no chemistry with him no matter how hard I tried to create it, but we were so perfect in everything else and I felt so safe with him, I convinced myself that chemistry didn't matter. I too had the lingerie moments and his reaction was, "why are you all dressed up like that" Ahhhh not the reaction I was hoping for. He too was indifferent about sex and would rather cuddle. I need FIRE to feel alive and connected to the person I'm with! So my advice too for anyone who is with a great guy but feels no chemstry, trust me if after a month of dating you still don't want to rip their clothes off, you never will. Don't waste your time or his, you'll end up feeling like you have a roommate and eventually leave. On a happy note, since starting my new life at 35, I have found both, an amazing guy with the most firey chemistry I have ever felt with anyone, so you can have it all. :)

    • blue.lotus profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Cali

      Say it, Chris!! I'm with you on that one!

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I went out with this guy (I am 52, he is 57) for a year. He had many of the attributes I was looking for in a man. Many. But, unfortunately, there was no chemistry for me. He loved me to bits, but, I didn't love him and as I said no chemistry. I told him this after our second date. He suggested I give it time, so, after giving it a lot of thought I told him, OK, I'd give it time, but I made it clear to him that he understood where I stood and that I'd try, and to please take things slow. Once again, remember, he had many of the qualities that I admire in a man. (he was also very needy) The poor guy tried and tried. I should have ended it long ago, but, I guess I was selfish and didn't end it cuz he was company for me and a good buddy. He was very frustrated with my lack of affection toward him, and this resulted in a lot of nasty fights. He also got pretty "weird" at times over it. After ONE YEAR (I knew deep down the whole time that the chemistry wasn't going to happen for me, but because he was so sweet to me and would have died for me, I so wanted it to happen) I finally broke up with him. Even though I didn't love him or lust for him, I was still hurting over the break up because he had been in my life just about every day for a year. Within 48 hours of our breakup, he was in a new relationship. Wow, did that hurt me. I feel now that he never really loved me, that he just loves the idea of being in love. I didn't mention that in the first two weeks of our relationship, even though I had asked him to take it slow, he gave me the keys to his condo and programmed my car so I could get into his underground parking. He was constantly wanting to walk hand in hand, have his arm around me, etc. Yes, he was needy for love, and I guess I was needy for a companion that I thought had potential. I should say that I can get a date or a relationship fairly easily, but I thought this fellow was a really good prospect as I didn't want to repeat past mistakes in my choice of men. Anyway, I ended up really hurt, and it's ironic, because I was so worried about hurting him. Moral of the story..... if the chemistry's not there within a couple of weeks or maybe a month, END IT. Trust me on that. Been there, done it. With chemistry, you can't "fake it 'til you make it".

    • Tim Blackstone profile image

      Tim Blackstone 

      8 years ago

      I have to agree chemistry is crucial though I do wonder if it is something that can grow with the right person.

      I have been on both sides of the chemstry thing where for me the chemistry is there but not for her and the other way round.

      You can't flick a switch and make it happen but I do still think that if the person is great to be around then maybe things can develop. Its when you wake up and wish it was someone else lying next to you that you know its definitely not right. Good hub.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Chemistry is important. Anyone who says it's not is lying. Sure there are different levels but we all want it to be hot even if it can't be all the time. Just most of the time would be nice.

    • profile image

      get back ex 

      8 years ago

      I am also in same situation. My boyfriend is also bored. I love him but I can’t tolerate him or I can say that I don’t like his habits. :(

    • blue.lotus profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Cali

      Cougar... I think there are different levels of chemistry. Do you agree? There's a spark, maybe a warm flame, and then there's ON FIRE. I miss being on fire!

    • R3dcougar profile image


      8 years ago from Ireland

      It is indeed, all about the chemistry! That's one of the reasons age is not an issue. People often ask me if I prefer younger men - the reality is, I don't have any preference at all other than that the guy has to ignite some kind of spark! That's it. He could meet every other criterion you have on your 'must haves in a mate' list, but if there ain't no fire, then the only one will you get is when you decide to burn your damn list......

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      hey, are you dating my boyfiend...?!? ;)

    • stricktlydating profile image


      9 years ago from Australia

      I've been in the same situation where I've put on fancy lingerie and he wants me to watch a movie with him. Boring!!

      But I also had a boyfriend who I wasn't initially attracted to. Like you, I thought he was nice, so I gave him a chance. But I didn't even want to see him naked. The thought of it repulsed me at the time, I just didn't feel sexually attracted to him. I even had to turn off the lights the first time he stayed over! Three months later we fell in love, and he ended up being one of the best lovers I've had...So you never know! It is possible for chemistry to grow.


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