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How Many Dates Does it Take to Know She/He's the One?

Updated on October 30, 2015

In your dating life you will meet a lot of individuals. Some of them may have that “spark” that you’re looking for, while others you immediately know are not The One. However, it takes more than just spark to determine whether he/she is right for you. How exactly do you know it then? There are several factors that would affect this.

Is it Love? Or is It Something Else?

Love is a strong emotion, but love itself has many different facets. A precursor to asking yourself if that person is The One is asking whether you are “in love” with that person. Love can be mistaken for infatuation, physical attraction, friendship, and many others.

  • Infatuation – While it is generally more common in younger people, that doesn’t mean that it cannot happen with adults. You may be infatuated with someone you don’t know enough to see their flaws, or you may be purposefully ignoring them. Regardless, if you cannot or will not accept someone’s flaws, then it will not be a healthy relationship.

  • Physical attraction – Lust and love are two separate things. Being physically connected to someone is just half of being in a relationship and it may not even lead to that. Physical attraction should not be the first thing to look for when looking for The One.

  • Friendship – It is common for friends to fall in love with each other especially when they have known each other for a long time. But the comfort of friendship does not always equate to love. When there is no underlying romantic love in that friendship, no matter how awesome a friend that person is, he/she is not the one for you.

What are the Qualities to Look For?

Once it’s been established that you love the person, find the qualities that would make them The One. Yes, you could love someone without being aware of everything about them first, but you will not know whether they are The One without going through that process. Look for:

  • Humor – Humor may not be the most important factor for some, but it is required to make a relationship work. If you cannot laugh with your partner at the silliest things, how are you going to be able to deal with the more serious matters?

  • Respect – Both of you must respect the other. Without respect, you will find yourself being treated poorly in a relationship, especially if your partner looks down on you and your achievements. Never stay with someone who cannot respect your personality, your achievements, and your limitations.

  • Understanding – They may not be the one if they cannot understand where you are coming from. As the most important person in your life, they will be the person to turn to when you need advice, but if they cannot understand the perspective you are coming from, you will not get the advice that you need. Note that understanding does not mean agreeing in everything. There is understanding in knowing that your opinions may differ, and it requires respect to accept that and not force someone into something they disagree on.

  • Caring – Do you find them giving you attention even if you’re not asking for it? Do you find them sending you a random message throughout the day reminding you to eat, or take care of yourself? Do you notice them hiding things that bother you? If they care about your wellbeing, they are the one.

  • Open-mindedness – As with understanding, being open-minded is an important element in the relationship. The One should be open-minded, especially when there is a difference in opinion. They should be open to your suggestions and criticisms and not feel bad about it. They should understand that you are doing it to improve them, and consequently, you should respect when they disagree with something you’ve said. A relationship is a give and take and in the end, both of you should benefit from it.

Do You Have the Same Outlook in Life?

Many couples have ended their relationship despite being together for years because they did not see the same thing. This refers to the future which you two would be spending together if you decide to settle down. The importance of having the same outlook in life cannot be emphasized enough. Without agreeing on things, you will not be able to create a household filled with love.

Agreement does not require that you share the exact same dreams and goals. It’s the important things that matter.

  1. Are both of you ready to have children?
  2. Are there preferences in work schedule that you two disagree on?
  3. Are you both looking for a serious relationship?
  4. Can you live in the same space without arguing about the TV channel every night?
  5. Is spending the holidays on one’s place and another holiday on the other’s going to work?
  6. Do you get along with each other’s friends and relatives?

Not all relationships end up in marriage, and if both of you agree on not getting married and keeping things casual, there is no problem with that. But if you are looking for a serious relationship while they still want to play around, they are definitely not The One.

What Effect Does He/She Have on You?

The One is someone who should have a positive effect on you. If you find yourself thinking about improving yourself, finding a better career, or generally gearing towards a happier, more fulfilling life because of that person, then they could be The One. Spend your life with a person who will not belittle you and lower your self-confidence.

What the right person should be doing is highlighting the good things in your life and helping improve the bad ones. Nobody is perfect—you will not be perfect in their eyes, and they will have quirks that will make them imperfect in yours, but at the end of the day, if they accept your faults and do not look at them as a deterrent, then they are definitely The One.

How do They React towards Violence?

This is important because their reaction will tell you something about their behavior. You may not see how they get angry immediately, but their reaction towards violence can give you an idea. If they agree with violence, that might be an indicator that they themselves will be violent.

A more accurate gauge of their personality, however, would be their violence towards you. Are they easy to anger? Do they find the smallest excuse to shout at you? Do they hit you? Do they hit animals? These are all signs that no matter how attracted you are to that person, you should wait a little longer before you commit.

Get a more in-depth look at their personality before deciding. Remember, some of the worst serial killers are charismatic, handsome, and can say the right things at the right time. But that doesn’t mean they are good.

Does it Require a Lot of Dates to Know He/She’s “The One”?

Finding the right qualities is important, and once that’s done, does it still matter if you’re still on your second date? No, it does not. Couples have stayed together even after just meeting once. Meanwhile, some take longer to understand the complexities of one another.

There is no specific number of dates that need to be achieved in order to decide if that person is The One. The consensus is that if the qualities that make you two a great couple are there and you are both sure of your feelings, then it is time to move forward.

Do you consider dating a means of knowing a potential lifetime partner better?

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