- Gender and Relationships
Healthy Ways To Get Back Your Ex
One of the most searched keywords on the Internet is how to get back an ex. Why would a person want to get back with an ex when the breakup indicated the two weren’t fit to be in a relationship? Does it mean when they settle again another break up is not bound to happen?
There are reasons which might make a person want to reach out her hand for her ex, grasp the hand of her ex for another chance hoping the getting back together will be better and sweeter than the former relationship.
The following are some of the reasons why a person would want to try to get his/her ex back into his/her life.
- He made a mistake in ending the relationship. He has realized he did a mistake in ending the relationship. He shouldn’t have ended the relationship.
- He ended the relationship because of the negative behavior(s) and/or attitude(s) of his ex. Now, he believes his ex has changed therefore he feels more comfortable being in relationship with her ex.
- A person believes her ex made a mistake in ending the relationship so she should try to convince him to reconsider his decision.
- A person feels lonely without his ex by his side therefore he feels the need to contact her for a possible reunion.
- It is either both exes miss each other or one of them misses the other. When a person misses his/her other significant, he/she will feel the urge to try to get back with his/her ex.
- Some are needy and desperate and cannot envision living another day without their ex. They will do anything to get back their ex.
Before you undertake the action of trying to get back your ex, you should consider whether your reasons for wanting your ex are justifies or not. Is it because
- You are needy
- Miss your ex so much
- Feel lonely
- Are afraid to be alone knowing it might take some time before you get into another relationship
- You feel no other person can replace your ex the need you want him back into your life?
If any of the above reasons are the cause of wanting back your ex then chances of reuniting will be difficult. In any case, even if you get together a break up will automatically happen.
However, if the reason you want her back into your life is because she means a lot in your life and you consider yourself blessed to have her in your life, then you have a genuine reason of you wanting your ex back into your life.
If your reasons are misplaced the possibility of reuniting is slim and if you happen to get back together without a doubt another breakup is bound to happen.
Additionally, you should ask yourself why you want your ex back in your life. You must have justifiable reasons not as a result of feelings that have developed because the relationship came to an end.
Furthermore, you need to consider whether you really want to be in a relationship with your ex. Do you really want to be with her or are there some impulses which are forcing you to desire to have your ex back into your life?
By and large, people who have broken up with their ex are advised it is better to look for a new love instead of going to an old love. Some see the prospect not good. They believe in a second chance. It may work and it will be better than the initial relationship. In any case it goes without saying ‘I’m trying my luck.’
Well, the following are techniques you can use to reignite the flame.
1. Give Each Other A Break
After the breakup, you need to give your ex a rest to digest what has materialized a moment ago – the breakup. Both of you need a break. Whether it is both of you who are hurting or one of you who is hurting as a result of the breakup, you need time apart from each other. Trying to get back your ex early on will backfire because the hurtful emotions are still raw.
Generally, when you feel pain in your leg possibly because of an injury, you are advised to rest. If you keep on walking the pain will keep on increasing making the situation worse than it is. It is the same case after a breakup. When a breakup happens a person feels emotional pain. The only remedy for easing the pain is by avoiding contact with your ex.
When the pain has subsided it is possible to contact your ex. The problem with trying to get back your ex immediately after the breakup is because your ex doesn’t know what to think and not to think. The emotional pain resulting from the hurtful emotions are controlling her emotions. Per se, she may agree to work out the failed relationship by reviving it which ultimately will lead to another break up. If your ex has to agree to your decision of reviving the failed relationship, she has to accept to the proposal without hurtful emotions aiding her in making such a decision. If her choice to get back with you is made out of sober decision, then it is hard for a breakup to happen if other factors also favor the reunion.
What Do I Mean By Not Contacting?
Do I mean you should apply the Limited Contact or No Contact? In the case of No Contact it is a different story. You should ponder or think of the reason your ex gave for ending the relationship and the manner the break up happened.
If the breakup ended peacefully – without drama – then a week or two will be appropriate to give each other a break. If there was a drama you need to give each other a considerable amount of time to heal from the pain that resulted from the drama experienced during the breakup. Remember you need a break as much as you think you shouldn’t. You should not only give your ex a space to breathe but also yourself.
Does It Mean No Contact Or Limited Contact Helps In Getting Back An Ex?
On the contrary, No Contact aids in facilitating the healing process as a result of the hurt you are experiencing because of the breakup. In addition, after the healing process begins it will be easier to think clearly thereby you will be at a good position to reflect on the failed relationship. No Contact works for your own good. You will know during the No Contact whether you have healed, now you are able to move on or still need additional time to heal. Also, you will know during the No Contact whether you should try to get back your ex or not to bother at all.
When talking about not contacting your ex for one week it implies you should use Limited Contact. In this case, the Limited Contact can work because you have assessed how the relationship was, the reason for breakup and how the breakup ended and you’ve established you need to give your ex a break of a few days or one week before trying to get back your ex. Of course, if the reason for the breakup is something that can be solved quickly because it was as a result of misunderstanding, giving each other a few days of not communicating to each other will be suffice.
If there was drama during the breakup, the reason for the breakup was justified, the relationship was faced with many huddles such as continuous disagreements and fights, then giving each other a limited time of no contact will not help at all in the two of your merging again. Both of you will need to apply No Contact so you may allow the healing process to commence so you may allow your minds to settle down. It is until you have peace of mind and heart can you be able to work out in trying to get back your ex (including your ex) than allowing the hurtful emotions to guide you.
2. Text Don’t Call
You should not call your ex once you feel it is time to contact her. Calling her may backfire because there is the possibility she doesn’t want to hear from you. A text is different. She may not reply to your text but she will find it hard to delete the message. Even if she deletes the text, the message will linger in her mind. She may take days without replying. It doesn’t necessary mean she has ignored the message; it may be she doesn’t feel right in replying immediately to the text or she is battling with whether to reply or not.
The wonderment of text is she will keep revisiting the text which will ignite the thoughts of you if she has not deleted the text.
Let not your first text indicate you are needy or desperate. She will not reply to your message. Let your text sound as if the two of you were friends who haven’t seen each other for a long time. Don’t touch on the failed relationship or you’re sorry for contributing towards the breakup, you need to work out the failed relationship and so on. If you do so, your chances of getting back your ex will not succeed.
Right now she doesn’t want to be told about the failed relationship or how about getting back together by her ex even if she is thinking about it, and the possibility of getting back with you. You should appear confident and a person who is moving on with his life smoothly.
Don’t send tornado-like texts – one-after-another without enough pauses. When she replies take some time before replying. When you reply once she replies to your text, she will notice you are needy and no one likes a needy and desperate person when it comes to relationships. It sounds you are not confident about yourself.
3. Call But Not Frequently
Call her but ensure the calls are not too long. You should call her several weeks after sending each other texts. The texts will take a considerable time since you will not be texting as you used to. During the relationship you were texting each other an average of fifty messages per day. At present, the fifty messages can span for a month.
If you do intend to get back your ex and it is not because you’re needy, desperate or misses your ex; then you will need to exercise patience when texting her. The rate of sending and replying to her text messages should be average – not too fast nor too slow.
As is the case with texts, let your calls be casual. There is nothing wrong telling your ex you miss her through texts but through call she may disconnect the phone call. The reason is because the tone of the text is different from the call. It is better she envisions how it sounds when you tell her that you miss her than actually hearing it from you. And, don’t call your ex every day or often.
4. Judge The Progress
Through the texts and occasional calls, you should judge her progress. What is she thinking about the contact between the two of you? How does she feel about it? Is she holding back, and if she is holding back how far is she holding back? After two weeks to a month you should have a good idea of how far your progress is or for that matter how she is progressing in the re-contact with you. It is very easy to know: analyze the tone of her messages and the tone of her voice when you call her.
If the progress is too slow you need to continue at that pace. If you hasten the progress, it might backfire. It takes a considerable time to process something. Therefore, your ex is processing what took place and what is taking place right now. If she is still not comfortable conversing with you, go slow. In this instance, you need to limit your contact. Twice or thrice per week of contact will be suffice.
If, on the other hand, the progress seems to work in your favor it is time to arrange to meet her face-to-face.
5. Meet Physically
Text her, not call her. Ask her for an out in a public place not a secluded spot. Appear casual in your request not somebody who is frantic to see her ex. You can end your invitation with “…if you don’t mind.”
When you meet, don’t be too fast to hug her. Better a handshake. If you have to hug, let it be casual. You want to appear confident, not needy. You don’t want to appear like a person who has been anxious to get back with her ex.
Casual talk should be the menu in your mind. Don’t hold her gaze or stare at her for a long time. You will become lost in your thoughts consisting of fantasies. You might end up doing or saying something which you might regret later. Appear calm. Appear composed. Even if your heart is beating at one hundred and twenty minutes per minute, don’t show it. Ensure you are calm before you hold the handle of the cup. Your ex will notice the trembling of your hand.
Let the physical contact not be too long.
Ensure the physical contact is not too long. Half an hour is not bad. Since you should appear casual so is the case with the contact. It shouldn’t be long. If the contact prolongs beyond thirty minutes you may forget yourself since you will not have a lot to talk about. It is your first contact after the breakup; you don’t want to appear your contacting her is for the sole reason of not wanting to get back together.
6. Break The News
You have assessed her progress. Determine whether it is time to break the news or hold off. If she has warmed up to you, then you are on the right track. Let her know your thoughts of wanting to get back with her.
You can decide to meet with her, call or text her. Both these cases work out. If a person can break up with somebody through texts then it is possible to reconcile trough texts.
Your ex may respond in two ways:
- She will agree and off you are heading towards reviving the failed relationship. in actuality, it is not reviving the failed relationship but starting off in a new relationship.
- She will agree but will ask for some time. She will say she still needs a break and once she feels the need to she will tell you.
- She will say she doesn’t feel like getting back with you.
- She is unsure.
If she doesn’t respond as you expected, don’t be angry and don’t show your frustration. Later, don’t send her harsh texts. Give her break. Don’t contact her for several days. She needs the break. Afterwards send her a text. If she replies go on chatting with her. Don’t touch on the two of you or why you should get back together and so on. After a period of time has passed, ask her what she thinks about getting back together. All this time you should not appear desperate.
You should be aware strategies like the one I have provided might work out or not. Therefore, you should be forewarned in order to be armed so that if what you had desired for doesn’t turn out as you had expected it will not lead to a ‘heart breakdown’ – badly affected than the first breakup. You don’t want the second breakup to be worse than the first one because second breakups tend to be more painful than initial breakups.