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Since When Did Sex Become The Most Important Thing?

Updated on December 23, 2016

I am brand-new to dating. I say "brand-new" because I was married for a long time and for years, I read the online laments of single people in this new era of dating and thanked my lucky stars I didn't have to be out there looking for a lover.

Alas, the Universe had other plans for me! About a year and a half ago, I had to kick out my husband because of his wicked drug addiction and dangerous mental illness; I've been officially divorced for about a year. (You can read more about that debacle here.) I haven't even "put myself out there" (I'm not ready to date yet), but I'm getting plenty of daily offers that bother more than excite me.

FYI: Sex is both the Most and Least Important Thing in a Relationship

I lost my virginity at a pretty young age because the opportunity presented itself and I was eager to participate. It's always been an important part of my life and relationships, and although the quality was sometimes poor, even bad sex can lead to great friendships.

I've never had sex with someone I didn't know or like. Personality is far more important to me than looks; some of the worst experiences I had were with people who were exceptionally attractive yet woefully untalented in the bedroom. When I was younger, I was willing to give myself in that way, but as I grow older, I find that I am not at all willing to overlook character flaws and behaviors from men my age.

You weren't allowed to act this way 20 years go, when you were in your prime, so why would you act this way now, when you have a mountain of baggage and a spare tire to match?

Please stop with this nonsense as soon as possible:

  • You're not doing me a favor by hitting on me. If I don't know you and you send me a flirty message online, know that there are at least a dozen other messages in my inbox from a dozen other complete strangers that say exactly the same thing. Also, if I seem less than impressed or ignore you, don't get an attitude about it, as though you are performing some sort of heroic gesture by talking to me. I have a vagina. If I turn you down, there will be 20 more egocentric, clueless psychopaths to pick up the slack. So again, you better have a blindingly fantastic personality - that has nothing to do with sex - or you're just going to blend in with the rest of the creeps on the internet.

  • Do not ask me to sleep with you or ask me to send sexy photos of myself within the first day of meeting you. If the internet has taught me anything, it's that men want pictures of women - ANY women - and that most men will sleep with any woman, totally ignoring that's she's fat, toothless, pregnant, disabled, fore-shortened, or her face picked apart during meth hallucinations. Unless you're willing to pay several months of my mortgage for just one time, don't count on that happening within an hour of me accepting your friend request on Facebook.

  • You have cutesy names for sex. The word "playtime" should not be uttered in regard to, before, during, or after sex. This is not playtime. "Playtime" has something to do with children, and thinking about children and sex together creeps me the hell out. So talk dirty. Curse. I would, a million times over, prefer that a man call me "bitch" and treat me like a whore than whisper "baby" while plying me with stuffed animals and candy to get me to sleep with him. No, really.

  • I've had more sexual partners than Princess Di and less than Madonna. I was married twice and have three kids so obviously, I've had sex. Guys seem comfortable knowing about those two partners, but don't really want to know about any other men. They certainly don't want an exact number, especially if it goes over 10. My number is over 10. I'm not bragging, nor am I ashamed. I am, however,a stay-at-home mom in middle age, so most of those encounters happened a very, very long time ago. Just enjoy my abilities without knowing how I acquired them.

  • I felt the spark, too. There was a connection. We're both interesting people who have trouble finding people with whom we actually enjoy talking. But if you call me a couple hours after the date, gushing - completely overtaken with emotion - about how I'm your "Soul Mate?" Please back off, you're creeping me out. I have been in a couple of really bad relationships, so this "instant forever companion" thing you're suggesting makes me want to go get a restraining order, not a marriage license.

  • I prefer physical imperfections. Even at my physical best (which was a very, very long time ago), I didn't like men who worked out until their muscles felt like giant rubber chew toys. Six-pack abs? No thanks! Manscaped? Ew! I do have types I like more than others, but generally, if you have a non-psycho amount of confidence and a decent personality, I'll at least give you a date. The only thing I ask is that you don't smell like you've been bathing in foot sweat, exclusively eating raw garlic and your clothes should fit the body you have now, not the body you had 3 kids ago. (And yes, women are not the only ones guilty of "letting themselves go" after kids.)

  • I'm trying not to laugh at/be creeped out by/post online for all to ridicule the picture of your penis. I've had my fair share of partners. It was ability, not size or shape, that made many of them good in bed. Also, I sometimes watch porn. So unless you have something that would impress Ron Jeremy himself, please don't embarrass yourself by sending me unsolicited photos of your privates. It makes you look insecure and desperate.

  • Getting me drunk to "loosen me up." If you think you need to get me drunk to sleep with you, every drink you buy makes me more and more certain of how bad you are in bed. Also, you must not think your personality is enough to win me over, so we're pretty much done 20 minutes into the date. Sad, because a night that could have led to at least mediocre sex is now taking a creepy turn that makes me wonder if you're a serial rapist.

  • You'll have plenty of time to buy me gifts when we're dating. Flowers and candy are great, but if you bring a pile of gifts to our first date, I'll get the impression you're trying to manipulate me. Calm down, be yourself and let's have a good talk. You can buy me a fancy new car in a couple years. (Kidding, KIDDING!!)


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    • Brynn Thorssen profile image

      Carrie Peterson 2 years ago from Colorado Springs, CO

      Thanks so much! It will be a whole new world with online dating ... it didn't exist the last time I was in the dating pool.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Voted up and funny!

      Based upon what you've written I have to agree with your statement:

      "I'm not ready to date yet"

      Online dating has many pluses and many minuses depending on what one is looking for. There are a wide variety of sites to choose from and many niche sites as well. The worst ones are usually the "free sites".

      Ultimately it's up to the individual to decide who they engage with or exchange information with.

      Online dating sites are just another optional tool for people to meet other people. Much like a fork can be used to eat a garden salad or slice of double fudge cake.

      However an obese person would never blame their fork for their weight gain! And yet many folks will blame the online industry for (their) choices!

      I always suggest a person think about what type of person they'd want to meet and then ask if your "ideal mate" would join this particular online site? In essence you have to run in the same circles to meet that type of person.

      Every site has both women and men who are only interested in hooking up. I've been told even "Christian Mingle" has men who are only out for sex. God bless them! LOL!

      Whenever you do decide you are ready to put up a profile it's best to list the things you (want) as opposed to the things you (don't want).

      Instead of saying; "No liars, players, or cheaters..." You might say:

      "I'm honest sincere caring person looking for someone who shares my same values."

      Essentially it's saying the same thing without sounding like you've been to hell and back in past relationships. A "quality guy" reads a bunch of negatives and starts to think; "She's got some serious baggage!"

      And it's unrealistic to expect that "liar, cheater, or player" is going come across your photo and read your profile stating "No liars, cheaters, and players..." and say to himself:

      "Aw Snap! She's not into liars, cheaters, or players. I guess I had better move on to the next profile." That's not how it works! :)

      Essentially the very guy you want to attract will run for the hills while the guy you want to avoid will be intrigued.

      You'll know you're ready to date when you have a positive attitude about dating and meeting new people.

      In the mean time you might check out which is not a dating site but rather a site that list groups where people share hobbies in common. They have everything from wine tasting to book clubs, dancing, single mixers, to yoga and meditation. There are bound to be some single people in the various groups and one can get to know them gradually over the course of several meetings.

      Best wishes!