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How To Love A Girl Who Has Been Abused

Updated on December 12, 2016

Understanding Her Insecurities

To the girl who has been abused, life is Russian Roulette now.

She can take the chance that the person she is starting to care for is trust worthy, but by doing so she is handing someone a loaded gun pointed straight at her heart. You have to understand that she is giving you everything that could destroy her all over again, hoping that you won't, but expecting the worst.

Even if you have never done a single thing to cause her to feel insecure about herself you need to understand that someone else hasn't been so kind to her. If she flinches away when you try to touch her suddenly, you need to know someone else's hand haven't been so kind. Don't get mad at her for being wary. Comfort her and show her that you are not the same. It is not an easy feat loving someone who has been abused but once you have their trust and respect, you also have their complete and unwavering loyalty until the end of time. Unless of course, it is broken.

Understand that she needs a gentle hand. She needs reassurance from you. She does not question you because of anything you have done personally. She questions everything because someone whom she trusted and held dear to her completely betrayed her. She questions so much because she doesn't know who to trust anymore. She does not look at herself the way you do because she is battling with the harsh words and comments made towards her in her mind.

Be patient, even if you do not understand her. Try and show her that you are willing to be the person she needs you to be.

Be Patient With Her

Patience is a virtue.

To someone who has been abused, patience is one of the most important things you can really show them. To other people this person may seem flakey, unsure, and a little unhinged. Some people do not have the type of personality to be able to adequately handle someone who has been abused. You need to decide early on if you can or cant before she gets attached to you.

You must understand that there will be moments where your patience will be tried. You will question things yourself. You will be unsure of how to handle certain things. You may get aggravated and want to walk away. This is why patience is so imperative. It is not that she isn't worth it. It's never been that. She just needs someone to show her that no matter how bad of day she is having that they won't leave her or harm her. She doesn't realize a lot of the time when she is being difficult because of things that have happened. She does need someone to gently remind her when she is being insecure, but not in a demeaning manner. Taking the time to talk to her and explain to her that she is worrying about the wrong things. Tell her that you will never do those things to her and mean it. She needs that reassurance from you.

Be patient with her. Be patient with her nightmares. Be patient with her insecurities. Take the time to build her up. Know that you may have the same conversations a lot because she is struggling to believe that the good things you tell her about herself are true.

Small Things

Doing small things for her make a huge impact.

  • Leaving chocolates around the house.
  • Sending her random texts throughout the day to let her know you are thinking about her.
  • Canceling plans to be right there with her when something is going on.

The small things to you are huge things to her.

Love Her Unconditionally

No matter what, show her that your love and loyalty for her is unwavering.

The person before you told her he loved her. If he did, it was with extreme limitations. He may have loved her, but he carried explosive anger over the smallest things. He tried to control her and he did his level best to bring her down.

You must understand these things to the best of your abilities and love her regardless of her flaws. Fall in love with the way she wrinkles her nose when she laughs. Adore the way she has a small gap in her teeth. Admire the way she covers her mouth when she smiles and the way she blushes when you compliment her. Love all of her, unconditionally.

Love her in a way that she has never been loved before.

If you have gotten in a fight and she started it, don't hold it against her. Hold her against you. Tell her you love her and then bring her flowers. Be her knight in shining armor and she will return the sentiments one-hundred fold.


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Be Her Rock

Be her bestfriend. Her confidant. Her rock.

She needs to know that no matter what is going on, big or small, that she can come to you and lean on you. Whether it is something as small as her crying over a sad movie, or something as big as a death in the family. She needs you as her support.

Show her that regardless of what is going on that you will be right there with her through it. Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, it may be to her. Even if it seems insignificant to you, it means the world to her.

Open yourself up to her. Let her know that she can always come to you with what is on her mind. Let her see that she doesn't have to be afraid to tell you how she is feeling or about what has happened to her. She will lean heavily on you once she allows herself but she will also be your rock. She will also be your bestfriend and your support until the end.

Do NOT Break Her Trust

If she has confided in you, trusted you, and began to really love you, the worst possible thing you could do is break her trust.

Never use what she has told you against her even in a heated argument. She will not easily let that go if she ever can. When the girl who has been hurt the way she has trusts you, it is deeply. If you break that then chances are you will never be able to earn it back. Especially if you hurt her the way she has already been hurt. Building trust takes years of work but destroying it only takes seconds of bad choices.


Value Her

Show her that you value her.

Show her that she is worth so much more than what she has been told and shown in the past. Lift her up and show her off to the world. Show her off to your friends. Talk highly about her to everyone you know and know her worth.

She is beautiful despite her scars. She is strong and came out alive from something that has killed many women. She can smile despite the pain she has endured and still deals with daily. It shaped her, changed her, and made who she is today. All of that makes her the wonderful, amazing creation she is. You should show her daily that you see that and value her.

When she is down, lift her up. Compliment her regularly. Do small, sweet things for her to let her know she is on your mind. Tell others about how wonderful she really is. Make posts about her on social media and leave her cards around the house for her to find. Show her that you know what you've got and you do not have to lose it to realize it.

Loving the girl who has been abused is not for the weak of heart. She needs someone strong to lean on, who can be patient and understanding with her. Someone who isn't afraid to hold her hand and show her off to the entire world. Someone who loves her unconditionally for who she is and admires her strength for pushing through all of the hell she has endured. She is worth it, even if she doesn't believe it herself. It is up to you to show her that she is.

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 10 months ago

      The key is to know yourself well enough before getting involved with anyone who has issues whether they're a survivor of abuse or a recovering addict.

      Not everyone wants or is capable of providing the kind of effort, love, and support for such people. Oftentimes it's a case of trial and error.

      We learn more about {ourselves} with each failed relationship we have.

      This is also something the abused person should accept and understand as well. Expecting yourself or others to become who they are (not) is a recipe for disappointment and heartache.

      I would imagine someone who (naturally) is a nurturer, donates their time to charitable events, has concerns for the underprivileged, or even cares about abused animals is someone who demonstrates the kind of patience and nurturing ability to get involved with such as person.

      Lets face it the vast majority of people are looking for "drama free" and "stress free" relationships. They want someone who compliments or enhances their life. They want to "feel good" when they're with them.

      Everyone is entitled to have their "must have list" or "mate selection" process when it comes to (choosing) a mate for them self.

      In addition we also have our own "deal breakers" and "boundaries".

      Thus it comes back to one knowing what they want and what they believe they can handle. I'm not sure it can be taught. They have to (want it) also.