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How important is sex in marriage?

Updated on March 17, 2014

'The main problem in marriage is that for a man sex is a hunger like eating. If the man is hungry and can’t get to a fancy restaurant, he goes to a hot dog stand. For a woman, what is important is love and romance.’- Joan Fontaine

You cannot deny the importance of physical attraction in marriage. Your honeymoon days are heavenly because of the exciting physical proximity of your spouse.

But why is it your sexual urge gradually peters into a routine and dull ritual between you and your spouse?

Why does your need for one another lack the exhilarating spark of your initial marriage days? The reasons are simple!

  • Your responsibilities pull you down.
  • You are stressed and tensed by your work load.
  • Your concentration shifts to your children.
  • You become used to each other and there is nothing exciting about your relationship.

You drift away from each other mentally and physically. If emotional intimacy is very important to make your marriage survive, your physical intimacy adds strength to your relationship. Of course the initial compelling physical urge gradually settles down to normalcy, but you cannot completely forgo it.

What makes you lack interest in sex after a few years of marriage?

You are tired and weary from a hectic work schedule and all you want is some rest and peace at home. Your responsibilities pressurize you and instead of sharing your emotions with your spouse, you isolate yourself into a separate world of miserable thoughts and feel completely washed out. Sex is far away from your thoughts as you do not find anything exciting about your spouse.

When you lose interest in your spouse, you lose interest in physical intimacy. When you are physically apart from your spouse, it becomes normal for you to be far away from him\her emotionally also. If your relationship with your spouse lacks physical and emotional intimacy your marriage loses all the glow of love and care.

Do you know that a man’s outlook towards sex is entirely diverse from that of a woman?

This different outlook towards the physical aspect of marriage makes your sexual life very stressful and boring. To a man satisfying his sexual urge is more of an animal instinct. He must have it when he is in the mood, whereas his wife needs loving care to be sexually inclined.

Are you a man who thinks that his wife must accommodate you when you are in a mood? Do you not care whether she likes it or not? Do you not make her feel loved? She feels depressed when you do not make her feel emotionally wanted and concentrate only on her body.

Are you a woman who feels sex is your weapon to meet your demands? Do you hold back sex in anger and make your husband feel frustrated? Your husband hates you for this.

Physical intimacy is one of the main ingredients of a happy marriage. But why is it couples fail to keep the initial excitement alive?

  • Is it because of the heavy workload?
  • Or is it the lack of interest that makes sex very routine and matter of fact?

The simple truth is that you make the tension from outside world rob you of the euphoric excitement it can give you. You can make your proximity exciting if it is an emotional and expressive display of your love. It is something so personal for both of you, isn’t it? Then why do you not enjoy it?

Never let the intimacy between you become mundane and practical. It should be a spontaneous, exciting and electrifying need for one another.

When you have arguments with your spouse, you feel terribly upset and unhappy. When your spouse overlooks it and does not explain the reason behind the hot words uttered, you feel that your spouse is callous and uncaring.

But when your spouse thinks that sex can make up for all the hurting words uttered it makes you feel repelled and nauseated. When the love between you flickers uncertainly, you fail to excite each other and your sex life is nothing but a mere physical need-more like an animal.

Physical intimacy is worthless when you are not emotionally close to your spouse. Your emotional intimacy means nothing when you are not physically intimate with your spouse. Both aspects are intertwined and inseparable and you need both to make your marriage work.

© 2014 mathira


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    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Interesting how you put together this hub and so much to think about here. Most couples are never on the same page when it comes to bed department.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      The one question you posed for men regarding their wives: " Do you not care whether she likes it or not?" is an interesting one.

      Many women (know) men care which is why many of them are willing to (fake) orgasms! Nothing turns on a man more than knowing he has pleased his woman. Any man who does not care is likely to be in the minority in my opinion.

      Unfortunately when it comes to sex drives we really don't know if we're "equally yoked" until after the "infatuation" or "honeymoon" phase. I've personally witnessed women's sexual desire fade without having children or added stress. I'm certain too that some women have found themselves to be married to men with a lower libido as well.

      What drives some people insane is to discover there mate was (never) into having sex to begin with. They simply did what it takes to get a spouse or have children. Sex for them was a means to an end. They would be content not to ever have it again. However they chose to deceive their mate rather than inform him or her because they knew they wouldn't have married them.

      If one is not "in the mood" they have other "options" they can employ to please their spouse physically outside of intercourse.

      Last but not least the person who wants less sex is no holier than the person who wants more sex. Too often in our society we tend to slap the hands of those who have high sex drives or we belittle them. The reality is all would be right with the world if people with high sex drives were able to find and marry those who also had high sex drives!

      What keeps this from happening is the people with lower sex drives start off their new relationships behaving like they have a high sex drive! After there is an "emotional investment" or marriage that's when they reveal their "authentic sex drive".

      Note: If you have to change your wants/needs or who you are in order to make a marriage or relationship work that's proof you have selected the wrong mate for yourself. Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are. The goal is to marry someone who wants what you want!

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 4 years ago from chennai

      eddy, thank you for your good comments.

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 4 years ago from chennai

      billy, physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are very important for a marriage to succeed. Thank you for stopping by.

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 4 years ago from chennai

      Thank you MG Singh.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      Another great and wise hub from you Mathira. Your words ring of true wisdom and this is what will help so many readers. I vote up and share. Take care and enjoy your day.


    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Excellent thoughts once again. You obviously know what you are talking about with regards to marriage.

    • MG Singh profile image

      MG Singh 4 years ago from Singapore

      Interesting post