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How to Apologize to Her

Updated on March 7, 2013

(For men)

If you are an average male in a relationship you have probably had to make more than one apology for some activity or action that your spouse or significant other found offensive. There is no precise way to make an apology but I will give you some tips that may help.

An apology can be divided into these simple steps: (1) admit you were wrong, (2) say you are sorry with sincerity, (3) promise that you will do better, (4) give a gift (step 4 is optional depending on the severity of the infraction).

Admit You Were Wrong

This step can sometimes be the most difficult but also the most important. If you skip this step and go straight to step two then your apology will seem empty. There are two steps to this part: (1) find out what you did, (2) admit that you were wrong.

  1. It isn’t always easy to tell what a woman is upset about but if you think hard or ask the right questions it will come out. You need to know what it is that she is upset about in order to admit you were wrong.
  2. Admit that you were wrong to say/do/think whatever it is she is upset about. This will take some humility but you want it to be peaceful right? This is important because it validates the feelings she is having and tends to calm most people when they are told that they have a right to be upset.

Say You Are Sorry

This is a very simple step that only requires one thing: (1) say you are sorry.

  1. Look her directly in the eyes and sincerely apologize. Do not fake this part because she will know immediately if you are not really sorry. One of the most powerful word combinations known to man is “I’m Sorry”.

Promise to do Better

This is also a simple step requiring only one thing: (1) promise to do better.

  1. Promise to do better. This is a very powerful part of the apology process but do not say you will do better and then make no attempt to make improvements (remember the boy who cried wolf?). If you really have no intention of trying to do better then skip this step.

Give a Gift*

This step may require several different possible approaches but can be broken down into these steps: (1) find a gift that will have significance to her, (2) wrap or package the gift, (3) give the gift.

  1. Find a gift that will have significance to her. Don’t just buy her flowers. If she likes flowers then they may be what you want to get her but put some thought into it and make sure you get her something that will have meaning to her. I do not like flowers for an apology unless you get her flowers for other reasons. This is really true of all gifts you give. The price will not be that important as much as the thought you put into it. If you make her a card or even make her some jewelry this will mean much more to her than something expensive that shows no real thought.
  2. Wrap or package the gift. Wrapping shows that you care about the gift and the person receiving it. Don’t hand it to her in a K-Mart bag. Take some time with presentation so that it will be pleasing to the eyes.
  3. Give the gift. I would personally try to do this as a surprise. Doing it with the apology will be alright sometimes but if this is a gift that you spent significant money or time on then give it to her a couple days after the apology. This way she won’t directly associate the gift with something you did wrong and will be more likely to cherish it. If you do decide to give her the gift a few days after the apology then try to make it a surprise or give it to her in a creative way.

This process is usually not pleasant but doesn’t have to be torture. Be yourself (unless you’re a jerk) and remind her of why she loves you without saying it. Remember this, she isn’t just angry, she is hurt by something you did. Even if you feel it was insignificant, if she is upset then it is significant to her.

*Note: I would not recommend buying a gift, card or flowers every time you apologize. Save this for the times when you have really hurt or offended her. When you give gifts for every apology it will probably come to be expected.


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