How to Dump Someone You Met Online Dating
Introduction to "Finding The One"
Let's face it: it is more likely that your online date will eventually result in failure as opposed to success; that is not to say that you will never find "the one", but that is to say that it will most likely take you numerous dates (if not years worth of dates) to find "the one". And, obviously, numerous dates means numerous breakups / dumpings.
Dumping someone is never "easy" nor "fun", but there are ways to decrease the impact that the breakup may have on the other person.
Remember, even if you thought the date sucked and you have no desire in continuing a relationship, the opposing party may have a different opinion of you, and you could really hurt them if you do not properly handle the situation with both professionalism and respect for their feelings.
VOTE TO HELP OTHERS
Have You Tried Online Dating?
Before You Even Begin Online Dating
Perhaps it's too late for you to take these steps in regard to your current situation, but it's not to late to take them before your next date.
Whether you are male or female, protecting yourself (and your job and overall sanity) is important. When you meet people online, you never know who you are "really" meeting, so be sure to first do the following:
1. Get a free cell phone number, such as Google Voice. You can link this free number to your "real number" and when the person calls, your phone will still ring and so on; without releasing your real number. In fact, the person can even send you SMS text messages to your Google Voice Number; all you need to do is download the free App.
This way, in the event that you end up with a real "crazy one", you can simply dump your Google Voice number and not have to dump your real number. (If you are like me, you have had the same cell phone number for "ever" and you would hate to have to change your number over an online weirdo)
2. If you don't want to use apps like Google Voice; use Yahoo Instant Messenger, Blackberry Messenger (if you have a blackberry) or other popular free chat services.
3. Although in my article about Investigating Online Dates (for free) I tell you exactly how to "look up" other people, I highly recommend NOT giving people your personal information. I have had my friends tell me absolute horror stories - one in particular: after only one week of dating, the female showed up at the males work, caused a huge scene and handed him a multiple page letter (due to him wanting to end the 7-day-long "relationship"). Honestly is really the best policy here: Tell the potential date that you would like to stick to "generic information" until you get to know each other better. Feel free to tell him/her that you work in retail, but avoid stating which location. Feel free to share that you have a child, but omit what school your child goes to. And be open about things, but avoid specifics until you know it is absilutely "safe" to share this info.
3. Drive separate. You do not need the person you are going on a date with to know where you live.
4. Avoid taking your date to places you frequent - as you may end up never being able to go to these places again without running into him/her.
The Time Has Come To DUMP
If you find yourself in the position of the "dumper", or the one that must do the dumping, it can likely be assumed that the other person is content, if not happy, hence the reason they have not broken off the relationship.
Keep in mind: When someone is "terminated" from a position; whether it be a job, relationship, etc, they often want to know "WHY?". They may be very emotional and possibly, as I mentioned earlier, even confrontational.
Your goal is to break off the relationship as "smoothly" as possible.
Consider Your Break-Up Method
There's numerous ways you *can* break-up with someone; in-person, over the phone, via text, via email, via Direct Message / Private message through the website you met on -
Here's a few things to consider:
1. Remember: you are dumping someone / ending a "relationship". If you have only been on a date or two, you really don't "owe them" much of anything in terms of a face-to-face, heartfelt, sincere dumping. On the other hand, if you have been together for many months (or longer), in an EXCLUSIVE "relationship" then you probably should give them a proper "good-bye".
2. Keep in mind; if you genuinely want to END things, then you must be straight-forward. Do not leave "hope" and do not sugar-coat things by saying stuff like "But we can still be friends" - no, you genuinely can't be friends IF that person has feelings for you because your friendship will be jaded.
3. And finally - and END is... and END. You MUST go into the "break-up" making it very clear that there is no more relationship....ever.
When choosing a method, I do NOT suggest doing it in person or over the phone UNLESS, as mentioned above, your relationship has been long enough where the individual "deserves" to have more of your time. A few dates does not justify this. Even sex within the first few dates does not justify this.
I suggest using email or messaging through the site you met on for these reasons:
1. Your message can be thought-through prior to sending it.
2. Text messaging is basically dialogue through type as opposed to a phone conversation which is direct dialogue. If you try to break up via text, it's going to turn into a conversation.
3. Phone conversations can be misconstrued. For example, you could say something like "I am not happy with the way things are going" and since you said it via phone, it could be REMEMBERED as "I hate this relationship" - which is not what you said, but since there is no record of what you said, it is left to memory - and memory during emotional situations is often unintentionally twisted.
4. A message allows the person to read and re-read if needed. As long as you are clear in your message, there should be no further dialogue required.
VOTE TO HELP OTHERS
What Is The Best Way To DUMP Someone?
Creating a CLEAR Break-Up Message
Keep your message brief and to the point. You probably don't want to be labeled a "jerk" or a "loser" or "user"; so be POLITE and KIND, yet remain firm.
"Hello (persons name),
I wanted to thank you for the time you spent with me but after (X-Amount) of dates, I have decided that I didn't feel the connection I am looking for. You are a great man/woman; and you will find a great man/woman! Keep up your search!
This will be my last correspondence with you but I wish you the best in life, and again, thank you for the fun we had,
is a perfectly clear example of a POLITE way to end a relationship - but you must follow through. Immediately after sending the email / direct message, be sure to block the person from further communications. If the individual calls or text messages, do not reply. Do not encourage further interaction or you will be providing "false hope" which can lead to confrontations and harassment.
The "DO's" and "DO NOT'S" of the Dumping
DO NOT "point the finger". It will not do you or the other party any good to have their flaws pointed out. Saying things like "Your kids are too hyper", "You're not as pretty as you looked online", "I hate cats and can't deal with yours", "You are terrible in bed", "You bore me" or "You're not what I had hoped for" - all of those things are HURTFUL. If you really feel you MUST point blame on someone, then point it on yourself by using the word "I" without putting the blame on the word "you", such as:
"I would like to move on because I have not felt a romantic connection"
"I would like to continue to explore my options by going on dates with other men/women. Due to this, I would like to cease communication, but I want you to know I enjoyed our conversation about (blank)"
or something of that nature. In psychology, you are taught to always state two positive for each negative. So if you are saying someone is bad at something, also commend two of their good points. - This is not to say that you need to make them feel like the dates were AMAZING, but it is just being a respectable person. Despite your current lack-of-interest, you must have had interest at one point or the dates never would have happened, therefore, there must be at least ONE nice thing you can say about this individual, even if it is as simple as "You have a great sense of humor and thank you for all the laughs."
DO NOT "dump" someone and use question marks in your email/message. For example, do NOT say "Do you think there is someone out there for people like us?" or "Will you be ok?" - you are further encouraging conversation.
DO NOT fall for tricks. For example, if someone threatens bodily harm to themselves, such as suicide....
If He/She Threatens Suicide
If you end up in a relationship like I was once in, he/she will make absolutely insane "threats" just to get you to stay. "Suicide" is probably one of the scariest threats because it is manipulative and, if you are genuinely a "good person", you think to yourself "OMG, what if he/she kills themselves over ME? That would make me feel HORRIBLE!"
If you TRULY DO believe that this individual is going to commit suicide, call their local police and ask if you can send over photos / screenshots of your messages in which they made such a threat. Then let the police deal with it.
If you are like me and "know" the peron is bluffing (although a terrible "bluff"), then do nothing; do not respond, do not follow up, do not take any action.
The threat of suicide is very common after a breakup. Feel free to Google the statistics about it. The fact is, almost all people who threaten extreme measures (especially after very short term relationships) do this consistantly - but obviously, they do not follow through being that you are their next "victim".
The WORST thing you can do is to stay with the individual over their threat or be their "shoulder to cry on"; you are falling right into their trap. My ex was so obnoxious that he would even go overboard with it and cut himself in non-life-threatening ways just to make me feel awful because he knew I was a good person and I don't want to ever see anyone hurt. Eventually I had to just let him play his phychotic games and not respond. Its been like 10+ years since our FINAL breakup and he is just peachy. He is alive and well... without me in his life. And I hope he has also grown up and realized that forcing someone to stay with you by using manipulation techniques is to nobodys benefit.
VOTE TO HELP OTHERS
Has Someone Made a Suicide Threat to You Over Being Dumped?
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TIPS: How to Deal With CONFRONTATION
As I mentioned very early on in this article, it's quite possible your "ex" (even if you only had one or two "dates") may attempt to physically confront you. Please be sure to read my article on How to Deal With Confrontation so you are ready.... just encase!
Id Harassment / Stalking Begins Via Email
The first thing you can do is simply mark all messages from this person as SPAM - then they will no longer go to your INBOX. If the problems continue to happen, read my articles about addressing Harassment.