How to Find A Nice Woman 101: A Guide For Nice Guys
Introduction to Finding Nice Women 101
Now, I've said it many times over the years: Nice guys don’t have to finish last, but many seem to make that choice. Time and time again I've seen nice guys pass up nice women and end up with women that aren't nice at all; in fact they've been quite the opposite. They end up with women that are unappreciative, ungrateful, drama queens, nags, demanding and high maintenance, rude, selfish, unfaithful and just downright mean spirited. This has always confused and baffled me, and I've often joked about teaching a class for men called “How to Meet Nice Women 101.” Well, I decided to get a bit more serious and so instead of teaching a class (which is more difficult to accomplish) I’m doing the next best thing—writing a Hub.
I’m sure you’re wondering: what are her qualifications? What makes her think she knows so much? My answer is, I don’t know everything and I’m not a trained professional, but I've learned lot by watching. I’m 33 years old and I’m a “nice girl” who has helplessly watched from the sidelines as male relatives, co-workers, good friends and acquaintances alike have continuously made poor choices when it came to women and dating. I’m a shy quiet-type (but can also be a social butterfly) and have always been the silent observer in life, but I've been making mental notes of everything I've witnessed. I may not be an expert on men or even an expert on dating, but there are two things I am an expert on: observation and women. If you need women decoded, look no further. I will even teach you how to classify and categorize women by type— and how to avoid common traps and pitfalls that some women set in place.
So, if you are serious minded and want to find a nice woman to settle down with, to have a long-term monogamous relationship with, and you are having trouble finding one, this hub is for you. (If you are not serious about dating and don’t have the intention of seeking a potential mate for marriage, go find another Hub). It’s time to start analyzing what you are doing wrong in relationships and learn how to attract the women you want; to learn how to filter through the “baddies” to find the good ones. It’s time to use your logic and brain power at the forefront of your decision making, secondary to your hormones. You can find someone who is both compatible with you and physically attractive to you, without having to settle for less than what you deserve and condemning yourself to years of misery or a messy divorce.
Where do you typically meet new women?
Lesson #1: Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places
First of all, you are not going to find a quality woman at a bar or a club. Those places are meat markets and draw people that aren't looking for high quality or long lasting relationships. There may be the occasional "nice girl" that gets dragged along with a group of friends, but they are few and far between. Finding your future "soul mate" at a bar or club is like winning the lottery: possible but not very likely. It would be much wiser to go places that you like to frequent or that involve your interests and hobbies. Are you an avid book reader? Try to strike up conversations with women at book stores and libraries, or join a book club. Are you an animal lover? Frequent pet shelters (or volunteer at one) to meet other female animal lovers. Go to places that nice women go to; nice women volunteer a lot or are active in their community. Nice women work at day cares or visit the elderly at rest homes (or work at one). The idea here is, whatever your interests or hobbies are, I can guarantee that there are women that share those same interests. This accomplishes two things at once: it's a great way to break the ice and it increases the likelihood that you will impress them, because you already have a known common interest. You certainly don't have to have everything in common with a woman to have a successful relationship, but having at least a few things in common helps. If you are total opposites, you will grow too far apart in the long run. Having some shared interests are good building blocks for a long lasting relationship.
Lesson #2: Being Nice Doesn't Mean You Have To Be A Pushover
To be blunt--real women want real men, not boys. Women want men who are confident and sure of themselves and who don't back down from a challenge. The main reason why many women end up with "jerks" or "bad boys" is because they often exude confidence and know what they want. It's not because women like being mistreated or disrespected (for the most part; I'm sure there are some that do but they have some serious issues), but they are willing to settle for that if they can't find a nice guy that is willing to "man up" and take charge in life. At the end of the day, most women prefer a "jerk" over having to be someone's "mommy." I'm not saying women shouldn't be supportive of men and nurture them, of course they should; but they shouldn't be having to run your life and make your decisions for you. The man in the following video has some pretty practical advice for men and says it better than I ever could. (I apologize for his use of profanity but it's actually the tamest of all the videos I looked through and also the most relevant).
Man up, and you will attract women!
Lesson #3: Types of Women to Avoid
Generally, women fall into one category or another (although sometimes they are in multiple categories). Men will often confuse one species of woman for another, or be blind to what they truly are. Those women count on this, and take advantage of naïve men. They will test, coerce, and/or manipulate you to no end until they get what they want from you. You should try to avoid these types at all costs, and to help you do so I have classified them by type using my own system of taxonomy.
- Maxime Superficialis Femina: Also know as "gold diggers", these totally superficial ladies want nothing more than to see how much money and/or free stuff they can get out of you. You should never begin a relationship by trying to entice a woman with lavish gifts or you will fall prey to this type. They'll lead you on just to get free drinks or meals. They convince you to get them jewelry or clothes using their "feminine wiles" or by seducing you. Now, I'm not saying don't buy gifts or spend money on the woman you are dating. What I'm saying is, don't let them take advantage of you. The ball should be in your court and it should be entirely your decision--spontaneously buying them flowers or a necklace is one thing, but if they are constantly asking or hinting for you to get them things--you best stop being an enabler, or you will soon find yourself with an empty wallet.
- Tigris Femina: Also know as the "man eater" or "succubus." Have you ever heard that 80's song called Maneater? If you haven't, listen to the video below and heed the song's warning. Not to be confused with the previous type (because she shares some traits), this woman will consume you. She is very cunning and intelligent. She is very assertive (or aggressive even) in her approach and will typically try to seduce you right from the get-go. She will pull out every stop and use every trick in the book in order to completely take over your life. They have been known to stalk their prey, even following them to see where they live (before dating them). If you are foolish enough to sleep with them, they will ensnare you further and possibly even get pregnant on purpose (in order to force a marriage). They will use you until they've exhausted all your resources (financially, emotionally, etc) and then move on. If you are foolish enough to marry one, she may even use children as leverage and stretch out the tyranny for years. *Side note - she may initially approach you as tame as lamb in order to reel you in. This is why it's so important to take the time to really know someone before you marry them; a leopard can't hide it's spots forever.
Don't fall prey to her!
- Maxime Femina Narcissistic: These ladies are totally narcissistic, self absorbed and only care about furthering their own needs and feeding their ego. They often require constant attention or compliments from other people, and will become very hurt or angry with you if there is even a hint that you may be neglecting them or criticizing them. They may approach you with a sob story about their life in order to gain your sympathy; don't fall for it. Be leery of any woman who immediately tells you their entire life story with too many details (and almost never happy stories). One of the worst reasons to start a relationship is because you feel sorry for her or want to try to "save" her.
- Tragicus Multum Femina: Also know as "drama queens" or "nags" these ladies thrive off of constant chaos and drama. It's like conflict supplies their lifeline and they will constantly try to stir the pot. Their buttons will be too easy to press or they'll have so many buttons that it's impossible not to hit one. They'll also find all your buttons and press them when it suits their needs. They will go out of their way to find flaws in anything and everything, from how you comb your hair to how long it took you to run to the store and everything in between. You'll have to stop inviting friends over or stop making plans at all because she has caused yet another argument to ruin your day. You'll also find yourself walking around on eggshells most of the time in order to try and fly under her radar, and think that maybe if you just put more effort into appeasing her that things will get better. I promise you, they won't. You better head for the door, if you want to keep your sanity and your hair intact. The right woman should be adding to your life, making it easier and better--not taking away from it and adding constant burdens and stress. You should feel uplifted by her, instead of wanting to bury your head in the sand.
Lesson #4: Take It Slow Before Deciding That "She's The One"
The worst mistake you can make in any relationship is jumping the gun. It's so important to take the time to really get to know her before you make a huge commitment. The time frame it takes to really get to know someone varies, but generally I recommend at least a year (longer if you don't see each other regularly). Although I know in many cases it's not the primary cause, every failed marriage I've ever witnessed had a common thread: they got married after only knowing one another for 6 months or less.
- Don't try to change her or "hope" that she'll change: I used to think that only women made this mistake, but I've witnessed too many men who made this same mistake and paid for it dearly. Don't let this happen to you! If she's highly independent, don't expect that she'll ever magically become more needy. If she hates cooking and cleaning, she's probably always going to hate it. You need to decide what your deal-breakers are and stick to your guns. What personality traits are you willing to put up with long term? While it's true that people sometimes grow and change over time, there is no guarantee that she will change in the way(s) that you need or want, and it may take several years for that change to occur (if it ever does). That is no way to live life--it's much easier just to find someone who already matches your preferences than to try to mold someone into what you need. It's OK to make compromises about the little things, and everybody gets on each others nerves sometimes; but if she is driving you totally crazy before marriage...it's only going to get worse over time.
- Have the same religion or ethics: If you are a Christian and she's a Pagan, unless one of you is willing to convert, it's not going to work out. Having different religious beliefs is not wise, and only has potential to create great conflict at some point. You must have matching personal beliefs and ethics. If you're an atheist or non-religious, then you should seek people that have the same ethics as you. Otherwise, later on down the road, you will find yourselves bickering over how to handle certain life situations and even how to raise your children (if you or her even want children, which is also a good to know ahead of time). There may be some exceptions to this rule, but in my experience those are few and far between.
- Hold off on physical "intimacy": Sorry guys, I understand that men have testosterone and needs, but it's a proven fact that sleeping with someone too soon in a relationship dooms it. It's actually one of the major contributing factors in many failed relationships. Waiting until marriage is even better (and more rewarding), but I am realistic and understand that we live in a modern society and have many people with their own beliefs and ideas about human sexuality. All I can say is, if you choose to get physically intimate before knowing the person very well or being in love with them, it creates a false emotional "bond" with that person, and clouds your judgement. It may even trick you (or the woman) into thinking you've fallen in love. It complicates things emotionally, makes you or the woman feel "needy" and may cause you to stay together even if you're incompatible. Even relationship experts agree that you should know the person well and at least have a monogamous committed relationship before you become physically intimate if you want the relationship to succeed.
Final Lesson: No Risk, No Reward
Finally, you have to realize that no matter what, when you enter into a relationship with a woman you are taking a risk. You could follow all of my advice, take every precaution, know a woman for years and the relationship could still fail. Every situation is different, because at the end of the day we are all complex individuals who can't always be generalized or are exceptions to the norm. What works for every couple is different, based on their wants and needs. It also takes two to tango; you can do everything in your power to make it work, but if she doesn't put forth the same effort, recognize that there are problems and work with you to solve them, there is nothing else you can do. Don't kick yourself for it--just learn from your mistakes and walk away knowing you gave it your best effort. It just wasn't meant to be. If you keep trying and don't give up, eventually your persistence will pay off and you will find the right woman.
Author's Note: I hope you have gotten something out of reading this Hub (even if it was just a good laugh), and I wish luck to all the "nice guys" out there. Feel free to leave comments, thoughts, insights or suggestions.