How to Find Out if Your Girlfriend's a Commie
So you found the perfect girl and are hitting it off like all heck, huh? She's everything you could have possibly wanted and more; she's all that and a bag of doritos; she's the sun and the moon and the world to you; she's the butter to your bread and the salt to your pepper and the Starbuck's skinny mocha to your pretentious college student. (Ignore that last part, actually.)
In essence, she's perfect, except...
What if she turns out to be a Communist?
I know this is just about every young man's number one fear these days--that his girl could secretly be redder than the juicy cherry lip balm she kisses him with.
But never fear! I have compiled a list of ways to figure out once and for all if your girlfriend's an anti-Capitalist fiend bent on turning the free world into a state-run, wealth-redistribution machine.
Closely watch the media she consumes; TV, magazines, newspapers, books...
If she watches Bill O'Reilly, for example, she is likely to be a Communist. Some people don't realize this, but Bill O'Reilly is actually a brilliant satirist with a hard far-Left leaning, who is so good at giving Republicans and other hard-core Right-wingers a bad name (by pretending to be one of them) that anyone would turn to Socialism or Communism just out of spite over his obnoxiousness.
Similarly, if she reads anything that seems too pro-American patriotism (ex. anything Tammy Bruce has written since 2003), she's likely trying to overcompensate to cover up the fact that she's a flaming commie who wants nothing more than to see the tyranny of the masses dismantling the bourgeois elite.
Another clear sign is if she reads any Existentialist literature, like Camus or Sartre (who was a huge commie, by the way). Existentialism isn't necessarily Communistic at all in and of itself, it's just that if she reads such things, she's probably a pretentious philosophy major, and if she's a pretentious philosophy major, she's almost certainly a commie.
Try to find out if her mother is a Communist.
It is well known that Communism runs in the family, not because of a parent's natural tendency to pass ideology onto a child, but, rather, because it is known that Communism is a genetic birth defect passed down on the mother's side. This is why it is important that you check if the mother is a Communist, and not the father.
Even if the mother is not Communist, she could still carry the trait recessively and it may simply not be expressed. This means that your girlfriend could still possibly be a commie, or even pass the commie genes unknowingly to future children you might have together, then your whole family will just be a smear of red more crimson that the tide of an ocean filled with clubbed baby seals.
Attempt to determine if she's an Atheist.
It is well known that all Atheists are Communists and all Communists are Atheist. They are intimately related. It is not currently clear exactly why that is, but it could possibly be that Atheism and Communism are genetically related (similarly inherited from your mother's side), sort of how if your hand is bigger than your face you most certainly have cancer.
Atheism and Communism are practically synonymous. (Even the late Ayn Rand, who was a rabid Atheist as well as a rabid Capitalist must have either secretly not been an Atheist, or else was secretly a commie because there is simply no way to separate the two.)
Conceptually, it's easy to see why: Not believing in God has everything to do with wanting to form a classless society where the workers own the means of production...for some reason. Clear connection.
If all else fails, ask her outright.
If a Communist is confronted with a direct question about her Communistic leanings, she will usually be too devout to deny them. It is like blasphemy to a Red.
So back her into a corner and ask her: "Sweetheart, are you a blood-sucking, leftist commie who would want nothing more than to tear down the very fabric of our current free society in order to develop a statist political system ultimately ruled by the interests of the proletariate?"
If she says yes, call the FBI (They are traditionally commie-hunters) and tell them you have a Communist in your home.
If she says no, then she's probably not a commie, but she might be really offended that you even suspected she was one enough to have asked her, so save asking directly as a last resort only.
I hope this has been of some help to any of you in these trying times of uncertainty, where even the closest person to you could secretly be planning a coup behind your back.