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How to Forgive Your Husband's First Ex

Updated on September 14, 2011

Forgiveness of the Ex

I subscribe to Charles Stanley and he has a magazine entitled "In Touch" This months issue is all about dealing with forgiveness. Our God is an on-time God-He always shows up on His time schedule and this is a subject that I personally have a hard time accepting.

I am in awe of God and His ability to forgive me. I mean, He is perfect, has never sinned, yet He became sin and died for me. 2Corinthians 5:21 states, "God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God." God offered to trade His righteousness for my sin- something of immeasurable worth for something completely worthless.

I don't have a problem of forgiving myself- I have a problem of forgiving other people. And not just other people-only one in particular. My husband's ex-wife.

Now I am not going to go into great detail of what we have done to wrong each other because that is not the purpose of this. I am trying to understand why I am having such a hard time forgiving her. I accepted Christ into my heart as Savior when as a 7 year old young girl after hearing that my sins were what sent Jesus to the cross. I put to death the only perfect person who ever walked this Earth. Because of my wrong doings (sins) I placed the whip marks on His back. I scourged His perfect body. I grieved His soul to where He cried drops of blood.

Now does my not forgiving her hurt her? No! She probably has no idea of how I feel towards her. And if she does know, does it really matter? Yes because I need to make the steps towards reconciliation. But first, I have to forgive her.

According to Matthew 5:23-24, in The Message Bible, it states, "This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend, and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God." Mark 11:25 via The Message puts it this way, "And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it is not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive-only then will your Heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins." Holding grudges and avoiding reconciliation keeps us (more importantly me) from worshiping freely.

Matthew 5:43-48 states via The Message "You're familiar with the old written law 'Love your friend', and its unwritten companion 'Hate your enemy'. I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives His best-the sun to warm and the rain to noursih- to everyone regardless:the good and the bad, the nice and the nasty. If all you do is love the loveable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. In a word, what I'm saying is Grow up! You are kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously towards other, the way God lives towards you."

1John 2:9-11 states, "Anyone who claims to live in God's light and hates a brother or sister is still in the dark. It's the person who loves brother and sister dwells in God's light and doesn't block the sun from others. But whoever hates is still in the dark, stumbles around in the dark, doesn't know which end is up, blinded by darkness." This unforgiveness blinds me to God's perspectivie and impairs my fellowship with Him.

1 John 4:7-21 boils down to this-unwillingness to love others prevents me from loving the lord with my whole being.

Matthew 18:21-22 is very difficult to follow in that "At that point, Peter got up the nerve to ask, 'Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?" Jesus replied, 'Seven! Hardly. Try seventy times seven." For those of us mathematically challenged, that's 490 times!

God always turns trials into good. Once I identify my shortcomings, it will be easier to overcome the wrong that has been done to me. He will also work within my heart to restore my heart. By claiming Romans 8:28, "We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called to His purpose."

So I will seek Him, and obey His command to forgive her who has hurt me. I pray that instead of allowing unforgiveness on my part towards her to taint my relationships and that I allow the Father to teach me to love even more deeply through this trial by forgiving as Christ forgave me.


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      jesupman 5 years ago

      I agree with Venzkhvam! I am trying to forgive my ex-wife as well. Sometimes very difficult. She probably has no idea that I am upset with her still!

    • hair bender profile image

      hair bender 5 years ago

      Dear Needadvise, I am honored that you come back to this hub and read it for inspiration! That really touches my heart.

      As far as your "overactive emotions"-you are just a new mommy getting these feelings of protection of your babies-the one growing inside of you and your 14 year old. I have never liked the term "step-son"-he IS your son!

      As long as you show him love and not scorn towards his birthmom, that will carry alot of weight. I have to remember that if I degrade his mom, then I am no better than she!

      Sending prayers your way for an uneventful and problem free pregnancy and easy delivery! Happy pushing!

    • needadvice1981 profile image

      needadvice1981 5 years ago

      I've taken your wise advice and am trying to be a good role model for my step-son but sometimes I can't help but be paranoid about what his irrational mother is telling him. I know he's 14 but he's also easily impressionable, especially by someone like his mother.

      Maybe it's my overactive emotions getting in the way if my strength.

      I often go back and read this blog for added strength when I'm having these "moments". I just don't want him to turn out to be miserable like his mother. I don't want him carrying that with him throughout his life.

    • hair bender profile image

      hair bender 6 years ago

      Dear needadvise1981, I am so happy to hear that you are saved and still have faith.

      Biology is too overrated when it comes to a woman being a mother. Just because she bore a child does not make her a mother. My own birth mother was unable to keep me and put me up for adoption which was, in my opinion, the most difficult thing any parent can do. She placed me into a family where I was loved and cherished but also was taught right from wrong and disciplined when I needed it.

      Be a good role model for your child but also let them know that it is okay to be human and struggle. They are watching all the time anyway.

      You can also send me a private message if you want to chat.

    • needadvice1981 profile image

      needadvice1981 6 years ago

      This puts things into an entirely different perspective. Always taking the "high road" is the path I've been following but constantly having that feeing of the having to look over my shoulder is not a great feeling. The anxiety and stress just aren't worth it.

      I accepted Christ into my heart at the age of 14. I'm not a practicing Born Again Christian but I still have faith. I love the man I'm with very much and I also love his son. I know I'm not the child's mother and I will never try to take the place of his mother but there days, more than I'd like to admit, that I've wished she would just disappear.

      This Hub gave me hope that maybe, just maybe things will look up.

      Thank you

    • profile image

      acidqueen1961 6 years ago

      This is well written and well thought out. I hope your life is getting easier. My current has an exwife who has make our life a living hell at times. I have recently discovered that she has a personality disorder which translates into CRAZY and there is no way to cure crazy!

    • hair bender profile image

      hair bender 6 years ago

      Thanks to Gretchen C, Venzkhvam, and Scottys mom

    • profile image

      scottys mom 6 years ago

      I agree with venzkhvam! I pray that this works for you!

    • VENZKHVAM profile image

      VENZKHVAM 6 years ago from Milk way galaxy, trying to find a more adventurous place in another galaxy with my great followers

      Forgi veness is the key to a happy health both physically and mentally.

      Always the person who forgives is ten steps above than the person who does the crime.

    • gretchen c profile image

      gretchen c 6 years ago

      Good commentary!