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How to Get Over Adultery - From a Woman's Point of View

Updated on May 10, 2014

Adultery is a very common phenomenon nowadays and multiple marriages subsequently end in divorce. The women among you who do not see a future for their marriage will find some useful advice in this article of how to move past the pain that occurs after you discover the cheating.

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Undoubtedly, adultery is among the worst things you can experience in a marriage. My first marriage ended after only 1.5 years due to massive cheating on his side. I am not saying it was his entire fault, even though everyone feels sorry for the one cheated on, in this case me. But I was a part of this relationship too and I certainly played my role. I had done everything in my power to support him and I had certainly poured my heart into this relationship. But although I was convinced I had been betrayed, mistreated, used taken advantage of, I understood that I hadn’t done everything right either and I did learn from this relationship which shaped me in so many ways. I was shocked, angry, frustrated, and sad and I felt sorry for myself for a long time. Everyone else’s life seemed perfect while mine was just and always had been a huge mess. I did one thing right after this happened though. From the first day, I became active and started to implement some changes into my daily routine because I didn't want to sit in a corner and cry. Life is too short for that.

There is no perfect recipe to make the pain caused by adultery and betrayal go away, but there are ways to accelerate the healing process. Here are some of my personal ideas that really helped me. They are worth trying in my eyes.

1 No Rushed Decisions

It is essential that you don't make any hasty, ill-considered decisions. Your first thought might be to pack your bags and leave or kick out the cheater along with all of his belongings. Rushed decisions are never good ones. The first few days after you discover the cheating, you will be in a highly distressed emotional state and you will most likely regret any life-changing decisions you make in that time. I personally waited two weeks to think everything through before I made the decisions to tell my parents and move out. I needed that time to make sure I was going to make the right decision and get over the initial shock and devastation.


2 Time for Reflection

Millions of questions will run through your head in the first few days and weeks after the discovery. Did he ever really love you? Did you ever really love him? Did he lie that one time when he said he would meet a friend? Did we ever work on our problems during the marriage? You will start to question everything and browse through all kinds of incidents in the past that might have involved your partner lying to you. These thoughts are perfectly normal and it is hard to avoid them. Do give yourself time for reflection but don't let these thoughts engulf you for too long. They will only make you cry, feel miserable and sorry for yourself and trigger your anger.

3 Tell Your Friend

The above mentioned time for reflection is best shared with people you trust. Open yourself to your friends and family and tell them what happened and how you feel about it. Keeping something bottled up inside you is not going to make you feel better. The sooner you tell someone the better. Go to your real friends, the ones from whom you can expect support and understanding. Stay away from those who like to gossip, accuse you of having been too naïve or those whose favourite phrase is: I told you so. You don't need to publish your new relationship status on Facebook right away for your 359 friends to see. Telling the wrong people can lead to additional emotional stress which you should avoid in such a difficult time. If you tell your few best friends, it is enough and will definitely get you a lot of relief. They might have great advice for you and get you to see the situation from a new and different perspective. I am very thankful for having talked to some of my friends about what happened to me because they made me understand the situation by telling me about their experiences and thoughts on the subject. They really eased some of my pain.

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4 Get a Hobby

Take up a recreational activity you did in the past or try something new. It will help you get your mind off of your relationship problems and it will also help you (re-)socialize after a breakup. New people around you won’t remind you of the old familiar times with your loved one. Sports are always a good way to raise your self-esteem, produce the happiness hormones and make you feel good about yourself. Choose a sport or a leisure activity you are good at and do it regularly, at least once a week. It is probably best to choose an activity that lets you be around other people. Jogging, swimming and cycling are great physical activities but they are not the most social sports. I started dancing again after I found out about my husband's betrayal. It was the best decision I made after the separation. When I dance, I Forget all the worries around me and I just have fun and enjoy the moment. I remember the old times when I was dancing competitions and a lot of positive feelings come back to me. If you have an activity that makes you feel a similar way, you should definitely give it a go and get back at it.

Signs of Infidelity

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5 Redecorate your Home

Reorganize your house/apartment, give it a new touch, redecorate it or sell some furniture. Have a friend or family member help you. You’ll see it’s a ton of fun and will make you focus on other things. You can even get rid of some furniture or other items that remind you too much of your ex-partner. You can get some great ideas of how to refurbish your own home if you go to Ikea or another furniture store with a friend or a family member. You'll be bound to find some new colors, decorative pieces of furniture or other things that will spice up your own four walls.

6 Change your Style

Get a new haircut, paint your finger nails, get an appointment at a nearby beauty salon or shop for some new clothing. You will feel great about yourself and it’ll be fun looking at yourself in the mirror for another reason than inspecting your puffy eyes.

7 Go on a Trip

If you have enough money, this is the right time to travel to your dream destination. If not, you might want to consider visiting some friends in a foreign country or another state or city. Traveling is a great way to leave your routine behind and meet new people. It will get your mind off things and away from the pain associated with your partner’s betrayal.

8 Make Your Own Decision

You can expect to get a ton of advice from your friends and family members. Use this advice in the best way possible but don't let it push you in one direction or another. Remember that in the end, you are the one that makes the decision not them. Only you know what you went through and you should not base your decision on the remarks of others.

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9 Sign up on a Dating Website

If you have decided that you are not giving your husband another chance, you will at some point start thinking about a new relationship. This might take some time, up to many months or even years. Don't force yourself to stay alone for too long. Life is too short and you have the right to be happy next to someone who loves you.

If you are ready to date again but don't know how and where to start, why don't you sign up on a dating website? You’ll see there are a lot of handsome men out there who are interested in a fabulous person like you. The dating websites shows you the person's location, his hobbies and interests as well as his physical appearance through a description or photos. Dating websites are fun and nowadays 1 out of 4 couples meet online. It's worth a try!

Men are not all the same. They don’t all cheat. There are some great men out there whom you can trust. However, there is no guarantee that you won’t ever have to go through this again. That is what life is about. There will always be problems and instead of trying to avoid problems, you can learn how to deal with them and suffer less in the future. You cannot avoid pain but you can decide to which degree it makes you suffer. Use your antennas and don’t close your eyes to obvious signs that your partner is cheating. Lead open conversations, listen to each other and work on problems early on. Listen to your gut feeling. It can tell you a lot about your Partner.

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    • Rafiq23 profile image

      Muhammad Rafiq 3 years ago from Pakistan

      An excellent article about adultery. In my humble opinion, matrimonial relationship has deteriorated to a great extent due to lack of faith in one's religion. Where there is a strong element of religion in the lives of people, people won't establish extra marital relationship as they know how much sinful it is. They know a lot about the sanctity of their marriage. That is why; Muslims adhere to their wives beyond the expectations of a western woman. Similarly, a woman can lead her life for several years with great righteousness and piety without her husband as she knows how bad it is to violate the sanctity of the marriage. Social orders play an important role in this regard. Liberal and free style life encourages cohabitation and extra marital relationship. Hence, it depends on lots of factor, which leads to adultery.

      Great tips for coping with adultery!

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