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How to Get Your Spouse Back

Updated on July 26, 2009

Why Listen?

A relationship is the most complicated part of living. Just think, you have had numerous relationships in your life! Men and women think so differently that there are bound to be multiple problems. Having just celebrated (and enjoyed) my 18th anniversary with my "high-school" sweetheart," I believe that I have a little bit advice that may help you. Not to say we haven't had problems and felt like running away at times, but something must be working right if we're still holding hands while out for a walk, enjoying burned chicken, or supporting the other person when going in for surgery.

Get Help from Someone Else

The greatest piece of advice is to get someone else with an impartial perspective to help you. Relationships are murky at best, and unless you can gain a better perspective of the "reality," your marriage isn't going to flourish, or you won't be able to get your spouse back. There are people in your community who can help; start searching. Pastors, counselors, groups, etc. You shouldn't trust your best friend, they aren't impartial and shouldn't be! Sometimes you can gain help from a program or book that's centered around the issue, such as Joyce Meyer's books and shows (on TV). With another person's perspective, not only can you express your feelings, but you can listen and learn about things that you can do to help get them back.

Watch this Movie

Fireproof is a great quality movie that helps you understand what you can do to get your spouse back. It's a positive and well-developed movie led by actor Kirk Cameron. There are other resources at the site which can help you as you look into changing the way you think about yourself and your spouse.

Learn What Love Means

One of the greatest, hardest, and most painful lessons that I have learned in my life, has proven to be the basis for my marriage:

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

Can you bear with the fact that your spouse has said certain things? If you can't, it's your love that's a problem, not anything that they said. You should bear with what they said, or did. That is impossible to do on your own. I know. I've only been able to do it because of my relationship with God. That's it. 

How about the fact that you want to end things? That's not love; that proves you really haven't loved in the right way. It is so hard. You aren't capable of doing it yourself, and neither am I. 

Change You

If you really want them back, either physically or emotionally, you must change you.

Your feelings of frustration and anger demand that they come back, that they apologize, that they do the right things. But you can't force anyone to love you. Real love doesn't force anyone to do anything.

So, if you want them back, you have to change you. If you choose to do this, it will be the hardest and most painful thing you will ever go through. I know, I've experienced it and still am. Basically, you will die. It's called mortification of the flesh. You have to give it to God and let him guide the relationship and you. But, you have to love, it's not selfish. You have to do what you have to do no matter what. It's so hard, but the benefits will be so worth it as you change and your marriage/relationship changes for the better.

Take Time to Communicate

Do you know that talking is not communicating? Not truly. You can talk and talk and talk and your spouse looks like they agree, sound like they're listening, bur really aren't understanding. Women have a natural ability to want to communicate, although sometimes they don't do so in the ways that men understand (this is why women are confusing to men!). Men have a natural stupid gene whereby they want to "do" and not "talk about doing." We just need to learn to stop doing, begin listening, and start talking with our spouse.


Quality time is needed daily so that issues (feelings, ideas, actions, thoughts) don't build up and resentment grows. 

Who Owns Your Relationship?

Do your ideals or dreams (of what you two will become) control your feelings, thoughts, and actions? If so, your relationship is headed for true heartache. Because men and women are so different, and because humans are self-centered creatures, there's not much hope for your relationship is you constantly and subconsciously compare it to your ideal, and your spouse to their ideal. The two won't mix and aren't even that similar. But, if your relationship is directed by Someone who knows what they're doing, you just may have a chance. If you redefine your relationship along new lines, the excitement and adventure will be renewed, although it will take you down different avenues.


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