How to Identify an Abuser Before Abuse
Opening Scene -- The Male Abuser
The potential abuser gives the
impression of a puppy with a hurt paw.
The term 'pathetic' almost applies.
Sad, lonely, needy, this is the last person in the world one fears.
The potential victim begins by being 'nice'. She feels sorry for him. Maybe he was dumped by his previous girlfriend or Had to break up with her because of ---.
If he's young, his problem is his family, if he's old, it is his ex. The poor puppy has suffered.
The relationship begins as 'just friends".
Conversations, compassion, maybe even financial aid. The Potential Victim feels she has the upper hand. He depends on her, she doesn't depend on him. Further, she has so many people in her life, he has only her.
As the relationship proceeds he displays the kind of all encompassing love she never imagined really existed. In a way she feels guilty that she doesn't love him like this.
She begins to feel that no one will ever love her like this, and although she may try to break it off, the way he becomes so upset makes her realise it would be cruel.
Opening Scene - The Female Abuser
She breezes into his life and can solve all his problems. She has the money, she has the power, she has control.
He may be dazzled by her wealth and how she lavishes it upon him. She will seem so focused on him, his needs, his life, that it is overwhelming. No one has ever loved him like this. No one has ever given him so much.
He can't afford to lose her.
He will put his friends on hold, he will do whatever it takes to keep this great benefactor in his life.
Part Two -- for Women
If she has read this article, or been through it before, she knows that the 'Hurt Puppy' character is his masque. He uses the 'poor me' to capture unsuspecting victims, who fall for this image.
He knows, whether consciously or subconsciously, she is being led into delusion.
She only thinks she has the upper hand.
He's been manipulating her since 'Hello'.
What will happen if she is innocent enough to get into a relationship with him, will be abuse.
It will be abuse in such a way that at first she doubts her perceptions and he can facily lie his way out.
"I never meant to say/do, you know that's not me..."
and blame drink or drugs or some sort of outside force, so that she will believe the behaviour was 'out of character.'
Part Two -- For men
He will not, at first, mind that she pays the bills, that she tells him what to do. But over time he will find that he must obey her. He must repeat her views, be they religious or political. He must go where she wants and do what she wants.
He will, at some point, realise he is far from home, he has no one but her, and she controls the purse strings.
Often she will bear children he can stay home and mind. She will give him chores.
He will strive not to displease her.
If he does, he won't get to go.... he won't own... he won't...
For women, as soon as you meet the Puppy with the Hurt Paw, mark him 'Potential Abuser'.
Note how he tries to fill all the corners of your life. Note how he demands so much attention.
Note how you feel sorry for him so do things for him you really wouldn't do for an equal.
As soon as he starts to put 'love' or 'caring' language in your ear, end the relationship.
"Puppy, I'm sorry, I really don't want to be involved with you."
"I'm not interested in you like that."
"This is going to be our last conversation/meeting".
Watch how angry he gets. The words he uses, the tone, the animosity.
Sounds more like a rabid wolf than a hurt puppy, huh?
That is because he always was a rabid wolf.
Write it down if you think you'll forget; anyone who seems a 'pathetic loser' should be avoided, because real pathetic losers don't advertise.
As soon as you notice this woman is paying for everything, is making all the decisions, and you are becoming accustomed to this, end the relationship.
End it before you become a 'kept man', before you are a virtual slave.
You don't need to wait for her to hit you with something, then call the police if you strike her, for you are not an equal in her eyes.
She can dump you without a cent in some strange place, and go off, because you have nothing and no one.
Which is how abusers get so much power.