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- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
How to Make Him Fall In Love With You on the First Date And From Then on Be Yours
My Friend Starleen's Advice to Women Everywhere
The way we behave on the first couple of dates
is what sets the tone for the rest of the
relationship, whether it's a week long or lasts
for a lifetime. It's a microcosm.
This is why the first couple of dates are
EVALUATIVE in nature: each person, if they're
smart and accustomed to dating efficiently and
effectively, is evaluating the other person to see
if they're likely to be a good 'fit'.
For many women, this is really confusing. Lots
of women don't realize that the first date(s) are
evaluative in nature - they think that the
evaluation has gone on BEFORE the date even
They think that if somebody asks them out on a
date, they must have already decided that they
'like' her - as if this is a done and dusted
This is not the case at all! Yes, a man is
INTERESTED if he asks you out on a date, or if he
accepts your offer of a date.
But that isn't license to get all excited and
start planning your future together - or even to
spend (waste?) time daydreaming about how cute he
is, how well you'll probably get on together, and
what he'll be like in bed.
When you take success for granted ahead of
time, you're setting yourself up for a major
disappointment. Not just because, IF the date
doesn't pan out well, you'll be disappointed
(which, after having invested time and effort in
daydreaming all these romantic daydreams about
him, you will be) ...
... but because counting your chickens before
they are hatched is actually a CAUSE of a date
It all boils down to the EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE
that you invest in a particular event, and the
pressure that that significance places you under.
For example, let's say you're on a date with a
really hunky guy who you're REALLY into. You think
he's great - in fact, you're even thinking, "This
could be The One!"
And because of the importance that you've
invested this date with - the emotional
significance that it now has for you, what with
this guy potentially being your future husband and
all - suddenly, everything is MUCH too important
for you to be able to relax.
There's too much at stake. What if you screw
up? You'll have ruined a potentially great
relationship with this guy, who could even be The
What if he doesn't like you? What if you do or
say something dumb? What if you RUIN everything??
That is the kind of thinking that your 'mental
chatterbox' will subject you to, when you
over-invest in an event's significance. The
pressure involved causes you to get stressed out,
anxious, self-conscious, and jumpy ...
... and it's simply NOT ATTRACTIVE.
In addition to all the weird mannerisms that
nerves subject you to (like playing with your
hair, sitting very stiffly and self-consciously,
laughing too hard or nervously, talking fast or
not enough), you also become very PREOCCUPIED.
There's another phrase that life-coaches and
psychologists use to describe this state of mind.
They call it NOT BEING IN THE MOMENT.
When you're 'not in the moment', you're
basically living inside your own head. You're
distracted from what's ACTUALLY HAPPENING by the
judgments, opinions, and worries that your 'mental
chatterbox' is supplying you with.
This quality of living inside your own head is
what stops you from being truly attractive.
Instead, you're preoccupied, self-absorbed, and
not centered - the three hallmarks of the insecure
and needy person. (I'm sure I don't need to tell
you that neediness and insecurity are qualities
that most people will RUN from.)
Being present, or 'in the moment', is one of
the most ATTRACTIVE ways of being that you could
ever hope to adopt.
It's all about turfing out all your cares and
worries about the past (which you can't change)
and the future (which you can't predict), and just
relaxing into your life and into the present
Essentially, it's being comfortable in your own
skin, and in the way that things are right now.
When you're free from your own pre-formed
opinions and needs and desires on a date, you
instantly become much calmer and more accepting.
You're able to relax more, and get much more from
the man you're on the date with.
You can truly pay attention to HIM, see the
world from his point of view, and really
participate in the event.
You can always tell someone who's truly in the
moment because they seem so calm, accepting,
centered, and enlivened. They make you feel good
to be around. You know that, when they're with
you, they really are WITH YOU - not off somewhere
in their own little world where you can't follow.
When you think about it, this moment is the
only one we ever have. We do not exist in the
past, or in the future - only RIGHT NOW, in the
'here and now'.
And it's in this present moment that everything
that'll have an impact on your FUTURE 'here and
now' takes place - which is part of the reason why
being fully present, and not permitting yourself
to be distracted by the past OR the future ...
... simply focusing your full attention on
whatever it is that you're doing right now,
whether it's talking to someone, listening to what
they've got to say, eating a meal, doing the
... is so important.
And it's very ATTRACTIVE, too. Let's take the
example of being on a date to make this perfectly
clear to you.
When you're out with a guy, one of the most
attractive things you can do is to focus your
full, undivided attention on him.
You're not craning your neck around, zoning out
and thinking about whether you're double parked,
or checking out the waiter. You're not saying,
"What?" every two minutes.
You're simply giving him the gift of your total
concentration and full attention - just by
LISTENING to what he's got to say. Not imposing
any values on him.
Not judging him, or comparing what he's said to
your own personal agenda, or trying to decide
whether you guys are going to be future soul-mates
Not paying attention to the chatterbox inside
Just LISTENING to him, and really participating
IN THE MOMENT.
Here's a passage from an interview with Marie
Forleo, whose way of talking about the quality of
being 'in the moment' I really appreciate.
She tells you that, if you want to try being in
the moment when you're out with somebody, you can
actually train yourself to exist on that plane.
You can do this by COMPLETELY DROPPING the
conversation that's in your mind (your 'mental
chatterbox'), and putting your attention on fully
hearing what your companion has to say FROM THEIR
POINT OF VIEW.
You don't have to agree with it. You don't have
to disagree with it. Don't try to figure out if
you know where they're going with it. Don't make
comments on it. Don't try to finish their sentence
for them, or interrupt.
Just practice bringing yourself back to REALLY
HEARING what they have to say from their point of
Incidentally, I know this might be a little
confusing at first - here I am telling you that
the first dates are evaluative in nature, and then
in the next breath I'm telling you to put your
judgments aside and 'be in the moment'.
Here's a trick for you: YOU CAN DO BOTH.
Before you go on the date, you'll ideally have
figured out what it is, essentially, that you're
looking for in an ideal man. You've got a fairly
clear idea of what it is that you're looking for.
When you're ON the date, you put those desires
and judgments-in-waiting to one side, and simply
EXIST, devoting your attention to the present
You wait to form opinions of this person and
consciously evaluate the date when you can no
longer gain more valuable information or input
from what happens on the date itself - i.e., when
You can do both!
You might feel at this point like there are a
lot of little things to remember, attitudes to
implement, and things to do and not to do. That's
OK. You don't have to worry about it right now -
learning a new approach DOES take a bit of effort
But the more you practice doing it, the easier
it will become, until being in the moment is no
longer something that you have to consciously
practice doing - it simply becomes part of who you
And when you reach that stage, it's like magic
- you really enhance your attractiveness, and
(because others can sense your authenticity, and
your ability to be comfortable in your own skin,
and the fact that you're a judgment-free zone) you
form MUCH more meaningful, deep bonds with people.
So to wrap up for today, here's a quick review
of the key points we've covered just now:
- First dates are evaluative by definition.
Don't waste your time or energy forming opinions
of a guy before the date itself. Remember, you
don't know him yet.
- Investing too much emotional significance in
a date is unattractive. It makes you nervous,
jumpy, and self-conscious, and sets you up for
- Learn to be in the moment in order to be
truly attractive, and to get as much out of your
dates as you truly can. Put your judgments to one
side and just participate in the moment.
- You can wait until after the date to form
opinions. It's not productive OR attractive to
form opinions and evaluate while actually on the
date. Keep an open mind and put your mental
chatterbox to the side.
- Practice being in the moment by dropping your
internal conversation (the chatterbox) and bring
your attention fully to bear on the person that
you are with. Do this until it becomes second
nature, and reap the benefits!