How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You
From the onset of puberty, the female sex starts plotting the intricacies of landing the perfect man. She knows who he is, she knows where he is and she often thinks she knows exactly how to get him. Unfortunately, the tips your mother gave you are unlikely to land that man in your little garden with its white picket fence -- and that's where I come in. Out of the kindness of my heart, I'm here to lay it all out for you. Yes, ladies, I have the secret, and I'm willing to share. If you'd like to make a man fall in love with you (really fall in love, and not just be hanging round for free milk) this is the way to do it.
Step one: Breast augmentation
If you want a man to fall in love with you, you've got to be qualified for Page 3. If you're not, get thee down to the plastic surgeon and ask for the largest implants he can conjure up. I don't care if you're a 26AAAA cup right now -- stuff those bad boys in there and get it done asap. Don't worry about the end results, as men are apparently incapable of recognizing when one breast is sitting a full seven inches left of center, whilst the other is five inches too high. All that matters is that they are sized XXL so he can brag about them to his mates.
Step two: Wear lots of makeup
You don't want his mates calling you a butterface, right? Disguise your mug with as many cosmetics as you can get your hands on. If you don't resemble one of those broads from Dynasty, Dallas or Knots Landing, you know you're not ready to leave the makeup chair yet. In fact, you're not ready for a night on the town until you resemble a drag queen.
Step three: Perfect your giggle
The more prepubescent you sound, the more non-threatening you will be to your man. He wants a woman who is better seen than heard. If you must communicate, do so via a sexy little giggle and leave it at that. For all other communication needs a simple nod or shake of the head will suffice -- you don't want him labeling you as too chatty.
Step four: Have a good job
Doctors, lawyers and other professionals have a difficult time getting men to fall in love with them because the job isn't impressive enough. If you really want a man to fall in love with you, you best find you a job that requires time on the pole -- and I'm not talking about the firehouse. If you can shimmy on said pole, or hang upside down via one calf, all the better. And if you can do it whilst only wearing a thong and tassels, you will have that man professing his undying love for eternity.
Step 5: Be willing to share
Some people say the way to a man's heart is through is stomach, but it's actually through his pants. Let him take them off whenever, and with whomever, he wants and he will be yours forevermore. Just make sure you never ask him any questions that might make him uncomfortable. None of that, "Where have you been the last two days?" or "Whose knickers are these in your pocket?" Just accept him for who and what he is, and he will be your forever man.