- Gender and Relationships
How to Offer an Apology to a Close Friend
Ego: my real enemy.
In every fight or mistake, we commonly start with this phrase in our heads "I'm right, all of them are wrong", this is the work of our ego in action, trying to convince us that even when we know that we're wrong, we still have a small percentage of success in having the right point if we play well our cards and facts, trying to turn the tides of the fight or discussion.
In Greek "Εγώ" or "Ego" in Latin is the meaning for the popular word "I", this is referred for the "self", the "identity of myself", "conceptual identity" or the "false self".
The Ego is the main enemy in our way to ask an apology and continue with a good friendship, thanks to our own ego we let the time pass waiting for the other person to react and ask us and apology, but we never realize that if we wait for too long a good friendship can end in enmity, a bitter end indeed.
Against our enemies and even with our close friends, sooner or later we'll have a fight, discussion or misunderstood situation, this can be really harsh for some people and for others can be really common sadly.
All of these situations are provoked by a clash of personalities, making the differences highlight in the heat of the discussion, leaving these differences unprotected and able to be used against each others making the fight even worst, just to be right.
Maybe you won the discussion and you feel proud of yourself, but...at what cost?
Your end hurting your friend, making him sad and mad at the same time, leaving an awkward feeling in the ambient. At this moment the Ego take part in the story, telling you that this isn't your fault, that you were right and you are the one that need the apology, that is when the distance start growing between each other, growing the pride in the friendship.
What is the next step? wait for an apology or give and apology. If you want to recover that friendship, then you need to open your eyes and see what really happened in that fight or discussion.
What to do?
When we recently fought against a friend or close friend then we need to rewind the situation and see what happen, at which point the heat of the discussion turned to be an aggression. We need to put our ego at a side and leave it out of the fight, we need to check what happened with a neutral position, trying our best to be impartial and ready to watch our mistakes and accept them.
- Rewind the situation in your mind. Check what really happened and be serious about the situation, your friendship can end if you don't take this things seriously.
- Always after a fight or discussion take your distance and calm yourself, if you try to apology right after a big fight you can end making it worst or starting a new fight.
- After you cooled yourself, then start thinking about a proper apology and take your time to deliver it to your friend, don't be to hasty or to lazy.
- Don't rush the "apology accepted", this will only leave a bad impression and a disinterested mood from the other part.
- Be sincere. It's not everything your fault, for a fight you need two participants willing to start it and end it, tell your friend that it's not only your fault, it was a two ways fight that need a two ways apology.
- Remember and learn from your mistakes, don't repeat them because maybe you can repeat the offense but never the apology, it's a one time only, no one will fell for the same apology twice.
- NEVER use the weaknesses of your friend against him, just because you want to win a discussion or a fight doesn't give you the right to back stab him with this kind of personal things.
- Be careful with what you answer in a fight, keep yourself calmed and try to argue, not to fight. Remember that your friendship is in risk.
Who's the one that starts the fight?
How to build/create a proper apology
It's not an easy task to build a proper apology, because we need to push away our ego and do the first move in the apologizing process. Some things you may want to consider when building an apology, this can increase your probabilities of success.
- Wrote your apology down in a piece of paper or e-mail, this will be helpful for you because you'll remember facts and things that can be useful if your friend is still in a defensive position against you.
- Start explaining the problem, the problem is a mutual concern and it should be attended from both sides.
- Both parties needs to take responsibility of the mistakes in the discussion, if one of you have more fault in the situation don't use this against the other side.
- If you're used to apply excuses to make thing easier, then don't use them this time, this is not a proper apology, this is a shortcut with a really bad sense of disinterest.
- Don't be sad if your friend has locked itself, just give some time to recover the friendship, anything is possible while working in it.
- Be Sincere. Nothing talks better than being sincere to your closest friends, this will make the things easier and will end melting down the nerves and the bad feelings in no time.
- Don't start another fight, avoid the confrontation and don't let your ego step in the apology.
- Start you apology with an open mind, because it's probable that you will hear some harsh things but necessary, accept them and let them go, your friendship is a priority, sometimes you'll need to accept some hard things but that's a real friendship, sincerity above all.
What to expect.
How to react.
Tears and drama, necessary in cases when you hurt your friend using personal things.
Give a sincere apology and never use personal things to win a fight.
Another fight, wait for the feeling to cool down.
Run away, this can end in another fight, wait some time.
You'll need to work harder in this case, really close to end the friendship.
Give everything you have to recover your friendship.
Give an apology, this can end in many ways.
Recovering the friendship.
In the end, if you gave a proper apology this doesn't means that the friendship will be like before, both parties will need to be more sincere and work together to repair the damage done, every discussion or fight has a meaning but this is not an excuse to "punish" or "get a revenge" with your friend. Don't do things that you doesn't want to be done with you, always to be emphatic with your friends is a good choice and a very nice option when you want to recover the friendship.
Don't force it, the time will heal the wounds and make the bond stronger. If the fight leaves greater wounds, then you will need more time to heal them.
Add some details to the friendship, try to accept the change and support the "evolution" of your friendship, this is a normal process in maturity in any friendship. The adaptation to this situations are key to survive in the world thanks to our social skills.
NOTE: If you or your friend made a really bad mistake and the friendship frozen or was shattered, then don't suffer from this, wait some time and work in this, learn from the mistakes and put them in practice. Any person in the world deserves a second chance, we just need to look for the right moment. Smile to the life it's not the end.
About the Author.
My Name is David Zermeño and I brought you this Hub about enhancing your social skill when we had a fight or discussion with a close friend, everyone has suffered from this, it's something that sooner or later needs to happen, but not everyone has the ability or skills to overcome this kind of situations.
I Hope you liked this Hub and please give a vote up if you feel that the Hub deserves it. Also feel free to comment and interact with fellow Hubbers in the comment section, I will be happy to listen to your tips and experiences, you can leave a feedback to keep a track of my Hubbers interests.
Thanks for reading and I leave you a little template for apologizing in easy steps.