ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How to Overcome Anxious Attachment in Your Romantic Relationships

Updated on April 29, 2018

Anxious Attachment Disorder

Akua has been in a relationship with Kwabena, a wonderful man who loves her dearly, for about three years. He treats her well. Kwabena is a faithful guy. And yet Akua constantly feels he will leave her for another woman. He has re-assured her of his love for her many times and yet she still feels he is not happy in the relationship. Akua has anxious attachment disorder. This disorder can create serious problems in a relationship.

How then do you overcome anxious attachment in your romantic relationship(s) so that it does not create confusion and hurt your chances of finding happiness with the person you love?

Identify the Root Cause of the Problem

Anxious attachment style can occur because you are afraid of something that happened to you in the past, or because you fear that someone will steal your lover away from you.

For example, you may be feeling anxious about your relationship today because you lost a lover to another person when you were younger and you see the circumstances that led to a break up of that relationship playing again in this new relationship. As a result, you are not confident about the stability of your present relationship, although everything is going fine.

Therefore, do introspection. Checkout to see if you are feeling anxious now because of a past traumatic relationship experience.

If you are, then remind yourself that whatever you went through is history. Say something such as this to yourself, “It is past. That relationship is dead and buried. I am in this relationship, now. This one will not end up like that one. This relationship will work.” It will help you to face the reality of today and make you feel positive about your current relationship, instead of imagining the worst.

Deal with Your Fears

Normally, it is fear of losing your lover or spouse that causes anxious attachment. When you identify the fear and confront it, it will help you to face the facts, you will take steps to control your feelings, and as a result you will feel less anxious about your relationship.

Here are a few ways you can deal with fear:

  1. Think about the worst thing that can happen to you, which is that your relationship may break up. Then think to yourself, “If that happens, and so what! It will not be the end of the world? I will go on living and I will find another person to love me.” When you free yourself mentally from the fear of being disappointed this way, you will feel calmer and more relaxed.
  2. Recall the moments in your relationship when things have been great. Meditate on it for some time and then say to yourself, “Things are not as bad as I am imagining. This relationship has been wonderful before. And I will do whatever it takes to help make it a continuing success.”
  3. When your partner or spouse does not show you affection, just think to yourself, “It is okay. There is nothing wrong with him. And there is nothing wrong with me. I do not need to worry. I do not need to be shown affection all the time. I can handle it.”
  4. Read Isaiah 41v 10 in the Bible which says, “Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” Memorize it and quote it to yourself whenever fear starts building up in you or when fearful, negative thoughts about your romantic relationship come to your mind. Let it give you courage that God is with you and will help you to overcome the anxious attachment. Memorizing the verse will also help you to strengthen your inner man, your spirit, and make you feel confident about yourself and the relationship.
  5. Learn to love God and remind yourself of His love for you every day. When you consider that God loves you and sincerely wants you to experience love through your relationship, you will no longer fear that you will lose your partner for you will remind yourself that He will help you to keep your partner.

Have Self Confidence

Believe in yourself. In addition, believe that you are also handsome or beautiful. Think to yourself that no one can be a better lover or spouse to your partner. This will make you feel positive about yourself which will help you to relate better to your partner. As a result, your connection as a couple will be strengthened, your relationship will grow stronger, and that will drive away your fears and anxieties.

Here are ways in which you can feel confident about yourself:

  • Every day, say to yourself, “I am a great man (or woman). I am a great lover. I am the person who can make my partner happy. I am also smart, intelligent. My lover loves me and I love him.”
  • Write down about 20 things you like about your body. When your self-esteem is low, take out the list and read it aloud to yourself. Keep reading it till positive thoughts fill your mind and make you feel that you are a wonderful person.
  • Write down 20 things you like about your character. Mention them to yourself when anxieties about the relationship start coming into your mind. It will make you feel good about yourself and you will be more relaxed as a result.
  • Think about the positive ways you have impacted on the relationship, often. For example, if your girlfriend or your wife has gone to college because of your encouragement and support, write it down. If your boyfriend or your husband has been promoted at work because of the financial help you give him, write it down. Keep on writing these kind acts till you have about 30 good ways you have been a blessing to your lover. It will make you feel that you are also an influencer and you will feel good about yourself.
  • Think about all the words of love your partner or spouse has said to you. Let them remind you that your partner loves you and so you are secure in the relationship.

Deal with Self Doubts

Believe that you are still relevant to your lover and to the relationship. Furthermore, ask your lover or spouse whether they love you, regularly. When he or she says they do, take them at their word and let it help you to put your mind at rest.

Then, whenever you feel your self- esteem is dipping again and you start getting depressed, just say to yourself, “Isaac confirmed that he loves me. I believe he does. I am loved. I am a desirable woman. No one can steal Isaac away from me. Isaac loves me, and that is that!” Then enjoy some walnuts or a chicken thigh so that you can combat the depression.

Learn to Be Independent

Learning to live an independent life will help you to focus on yourself and your identity so that you can affirm your individuality in the relationship or marriage.

How can you be independent?

  • Refrain from calling or texting your lover or spouse when you go to work, unless it is an emergency. Think entirely about yourself , your vision for your life, and your career aspirations, when you are in the office.
  • Refrain from logging onto your partner’s Facebook page, reading his text messages, or going through the call history of his cell phone. Instead, engage yourself in your hobbies alone during your leisure time.
  • Spend weekends with your work colleagues or schoolmates without your partner. It will help you to develop your ties with others so that you can weaken your attachment to your lover or spouse.
  • Build your capacity to be independent by living for a period of time away from your partner or spouse. For example, you may decide to take a trip to a foreign country alone during the summer holidays. Or travel to a poor country and volunteer there for the whole period. It will help you to gain the confidence that you are an independent person who can live away from your lover without feeling anxious. It will also help you to value yourself as an individual who is not dependent on his lover.

Affirming Your Individuality

Do you think you can learn to be independent of your lover?

See results

Think That You Are Secure in Your Relationship

Banish all thoughts of insecurity from your mind. Rather, say to yourself often that your relationship is secure and will be secure forever. Say to yourself often, “There is nothing to worry about in this relationship. My partner loves me and adores me. I have no competitors. No one is challenging me for the affection of my lover. This relationship is strong and will be strong till eternity.” It will help to reduce your insecurity about your relationship so that you will feel troubled.

Pray

Read God’s commandment in Philippians 4v 4–7 of the Bible. Then obey those words by requesting God to give you peace of mind and calmness of heart. You may pray a prayer such as, “Dear God, for no reason I am insecure about my relationship. I try to be confident about my relationship with Isaac but I still have fears and worries in my heart. Lord, I want to give this burden to You. Please help me to overcome this anxious preoccupied attachment. Give me peace of mind. Let my spirit be at peace with the circumstances. And help me to feel secure about myself and the relationship. Amen.”

Keep on praying and thinking positive thoughts and God will honor your prayer and release you from the psychological and emotional bondage that you are in because of those negative thoughts and feelings.

Seek Medical Advice

Mikulincer and Shaver reviewed clinical and non-clinical samples on attachment in adults and found out that anxious attachment disorder is common in people who have a variety of diseases, ranging from mild distress to schizophrenia.

Therefore, if you have tried unsuccessfully to deal with the problem yourself and you are still having challenges, see your doctor and talk things over with him so that he can investigate further and determine whether you need medical assistance.

Conclusion

To overcome anxious attachment in your romantic relationship(s), get to the root of the problem and deal with your inner fears. In addition, work on your confidence and see yourself as belonging to a secure relationship.

Furthermore, keep working on the relationship and keep it exciting so that you can have a marvelous relationship.

How to Overcome Anxious Attachment in Your Relationships

Do you think you are secure in your romantic relationship?

See results

© 2017 Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      14 months ago

      "Anxious attachment style can occur because you are afraid of something that happened to you in the past, or because you fear that someone will steal your lover away from you." - Very true!

      Odds are they developed abandonment issues that revolve around past failed relationships or even possibly going back to the divorce of their parents where one of them simply never returned to be a part of their life.

      If your own mother or father abandoned you it's hard to believe someone who is not your own blood wouldn't.

      With regard to having fear of a lover being stolen away that resonates with people who feel like they're not worthy of their mate. Their fear is one day he/she will realize they could "do better" and will leave them. Maybe therapy will help.

      I don't know if there are any miracle cures for insecurity.

      One old adage is : "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

      Love is a risk and is best served when you're "all in".

      At some point you'll drive away someone with your distrust.

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Hopefully with age and life experience comes wisdom to be very selective when it comes to choosing one's mate.

      Essentially when you don't trust your mate you're really saying (you don't trust yourself) to choose a good person!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)