How to Quickly Get People to Like You
Life of the party or loner?
Many people are naturally engaging and friendly. They are first to introduce themselves in a crowded room and are eager to turn acquaintances into friends. Their friendliness is usually reciprocated, and relationships are built. They are a hit wherever they go, and it always seems easy for them.
Others are not so lucky. Perhaps they are loud and often say the wrong thing. Or possibly they avoid talking to people they don’t know well and are labeled shy, reserved, modest, or a loner. Anyone experiencing anxiety or difficulty in meeting people probably has trouble making friends. Sometimes social situations force people together and bonds are formed when withdrawal is unworkable. Getting people to like you in such circumstances is doable, but often the friendship ends with the shared experience.
There’s no reason to shy away from social gatherings, however. It is possible to get people to like you within the first few moments of meeting you. There is a way to make your first impression a lasting one and create a bond within seconds. Will these steps work for everyone?
Absolutely.
Getting people to quickly like you is easy
Make a good first impression
The recommendations in this article are divided into two components: nonverbal and verbal cues. Nonverbal cues are important for getting a stranger to notice you and are the first step. They are what you project that tells others you would be a good person to know. My five recommendations for using non-verbal cues to get people to like you are:
1. Relax. Don’t try too hard to make friends—it will be perceived as awkward or desperate and give you the opposite result. People want to meet folks who are relaxed and at ease—those who are visibly uncomfortable are (unfortunately) more apt to be ignored. Before entering into a social situation, take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. Remember that most folks in the room are likely to be at least a little nervous, and everyone is just as eager to be liked as you are.
2. Smile. A natural, relaxed smile is one of the first things someone will notice while deciding whether to introduce themselves to you or not. Your smile makes you appear friendly and approachable. If it doesn’t look natural, stand in front of a mirror and say “happy” in an amusing voice. In social situations, silently say “happy” to yourself in the same voice and you will smile.
3. Make eye contact. No matter how uncomfortable it might be for you, you must make eye contact with others to connect with them. Meeting the other person’s gaze is a sign of interest. However, it is important not to make someone uncomfortable by staring. Glance periodically at the mouth or forehead—your head will be kept high, but you won’t be staring. A warm smile and consistent eye contact makes for a great first impression.
4. Maintain open body language. Keep your arms uncrossed and your hands unclenched to maintain a friendly posture. If you fidget, put your hands in your pockets or keep them behind your back. Placing your weight on one leg and slightly bending the other at the knee suggests a relaxed and confident manner. Without an open body language, you might look not only unfriendly but actually hostile.
5. Mirror the other person’s body language. If someone uses hand gestures to speak, use them yourself. Be careful not to use the exact same gestures, of course—that would appear mocking and disrespectful. If someone speaks in a slightly louder voice, do the same (within limits—you’re not trying to shout down your listener). If you can mirror body language well, you will appear kindred. Who doesn’t like someone that reminds them of themselves?
Mastering these five recommendations will make you more approachable to others, and that’s the first step toward getting people to like you—but it’s only the first step. While non-verbal cues can attract others to you, you can’t remain silent and get to know other people. What will you say when the conversation begins? Here are some simple recommendations, both for what to say and what not to say.
1. Avoid jokes, hot topics or loaded questions. The most amusing joke in the world tells others nothing about you, and if the joke is awful you’ve merely forced everyone to laugh awkwardly in polite response. You don’t have to be a comedian to be liked. Also stay away from hot topics, either as statements or questions. Asking another person what they think about the “rotten job” the President is doing or stating adamantly that there is no God is a recipe for loneliness. Judgments are seldom charming, and anyone with a sense of social etiquette will consider your opinions boorish in a first encounter.
It is also wise to avoid profanity, talking down to your listeners, and sarcasm. Very nice people might substitute sarcasm for humor, but most listeners do not find sarcasm directed at them to be funny.
2. Ask questions and listen to their answers. People like talking about themselves. Asking open-ended questions will get a conversation started while yes or no questions will kill a first encounter. When you do ask someone about themselves, listen with undivided attention. You will be liked and admired if you demonstrate an ability to listen fully. Don’t just listen with your ears, however—be observant of facial expressions, a change in volume or tone when speaking, and body language. Nonverbal cues offer considerable insights into the person you’re speaking with, and they willfind your perceptiveness attractive.
3. Stay alert for comments that indicate common interests without probing for them. The conversation will flow more smoothly if you don’t try too hard to seek that common ground. If you jump in with a question about sports and the other person hates sports, you’ve emphatically emphasized what you don’t have in common. (If you’re more interested in the Yankees than in your acquaintances, it will justifiably be perceived as an insult.)
4. Don’t talk about yourself. It isn’t necessary to be evasive, but don’t turn everything someone says into an “I can top that” story. When asked, state facts about yourself in a humble way that doesn’t sound like boasting, or tell an amusing or self-effacing anecdote. Save a list of accomplishments for your resume.
5. Avoid arguments. A conversation is not a debate. If you differ with someone’s ideas or opinions, let it go. Discussing why someone’s opinions are wrong won’t win you points with the one you disagree with, and will likely alienate anyone else who is listening, also. Making friends is allowing others to be right sometimes.
(I realize the verbal recommendations are more what not to say than what to say, but if you stay away from topics and behaviors that are apt to offend, you will be closer to your goal.)
You're ready!
You’re now ready to exist more easily in social situations by getting people to notice and like you within moments of seeing you. With these simple recommendations, you will bond with others and spark their interest. The next time I’m at a social gathering, I’ll take a look around. If I see you across the room, looking me in the eye with a smile on your face and sitting with a relaxed, confident posture—I’ll come over and say hi.
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Comments
I love your list of donts. If everyone follows them, they are set.
Thank you for reminding!!
- Author
msorensson, thanks for reading. I usually don't set out to list a bunch of things not to say or do, but in this case it seemed appropriate.
Thanks again, I appreciate your input.
Mike
All well and good, but does it not sound a little like trying to use people? Perhaps just starting out with a simple genuine likeness of people might achieve the same result without having to remeber a lot of rules? :-)
- Author
De Greek, thanks for your comments, but I would have to disagree with your assessment.
These are not rules but recommendations for achieving a goal. Remembering to smile and making eye contact certainly isn't using people, it is in fact being genuine in trying to like others and be liked in return. Don't suggestions of listening well and refraining from arguing reflect the spirit of liking others? These are all things outgoing people do naturally--what is it that is not genuine? The simple liking of people you refer to is the other side of the coin. If someone carries a lot of negativity about them and does not like people as a matter of course, then none of these recommendations will help. If you do like people and are shy or nervous around others, these suggestions will indeed work.
Thanks again for reading, but I must respectfully stand by the intent of my article.
Mike
Mike, there is some sound advice here. The trouble is that it can be very stressful trying to behave in a way to win friends and influence them. I have got to the point in my life where I feel comfortable in just being me. If they dont like it.. they can lump it! LOL
Great hub, though, with wisdom:)
- Author
Shaz, thanks for reading! As a naturally shy person placed in circumstances that forced me to interact with strangers regularly, I saw how difficult it was for some (including me), and how easy it was for simple things like smiling to make a difference. This was for all of those suffering from social anxiety--including me.
Thanks for your comments, Shaz. As always, they are much appreciated.
Mike
I can relate to this. I still do not talk much in gatherings. I remain open to talk though and if asked I will then open up and talk. I mostly listen. You learn alot sitting in a group and listening. If I was a bad person I could blackmail sooo many people.
- Author
Janny! Thanks for reading. I'm a listener by nature also, but was in an environment that demanded I interact with strangers so much, I had to find a way to do better. And, yes, I am sure you could tell some fine stories........ I've heard a few also that made me wonder how in the world a total stranger I just met felt comfortable enough to say what they did!
Thanks again for reading, Janny! I appreciate it.
Mike
Nicely put, great recommendations for someone who may be a bit bashful or may feel slightly awkward in a social situation. I genuinly hope it can help anyone who may need some advice!!
I know a few people, I can toss these ideas to!!
Some great advice here - I can see why I have pissed off some people over the years though! I should have read Mike's Hub years ago. :(
Great tips Mike, they will really help some people.
- Author
Gemineye, thanks for reading. The recommendations are for the people you refer to--someone a little shy or socially awkward. These things helped me, and should help anyone else who is genuinely interested in making a good first impression.
Thanks again.
Mike
- Author
billyaustion, you gave me the laugh of the day! So you might have made some folks a little upset when you first met them, huh? Well, lot's of people do. Hopefully something in the article will be helpful.
Thanks for reading.
Mike
- Author
Marcel, I appreciate your comments. Hopefully my article will be a small help to someone. It would be nice to find our humble articles could help someone.
Thanks again for reading, Marcel!
Mike
so you are the life of the party?
Does anyone really communicate anymore?
Have they lost their social skills.
Like your advise, very sound.
- Author
Hi Sue, thanks for reading.
Me? I'm not the life of the party, but I'm not a loner any more, either. I think I'm one of those folks who people think look pathetic in social situations, and they come say hello out of pity. Or, at least I used to be. It's better now, and I have taken my own advice here.
I do believe our social skills have collectively eroded. Twitter has reduced us to one sentence each, and Facebook has chopped away at us until we are little more than pictures taken with a cell phone camera. Society has embraced this, for better or worse. And on that relatively somber note....
Thanks again for reading, Sue. I appreciate your perspective on things.
Mike
Is it just me? I've always been a loner, because of my life as an Army brat. We moved so much it seem useless to make friends. Now that I'm older I find people nosy and intrusive. You can't garden in the front yard without somebody poking their nose into your business, or stopping you from your chores talking incessantly about nothing. At times I find myself standing in front of a chatterbox with a far away look and just hearing blah blah blah.
Manners have been kicked to the curb, when I see that someone is busy I choose another time to interrupt. I enjoy my own company too much to bother with trying to be neighborly.
- Author
pmccray, thanks for your comments.
I think we have our comfort levels and it is fine to exist within them. In a comment above, for example, Shazwellyn states that she is comfortable with how she relates with people and how they perceive her. I'm pretty introverted but find myself in situations that frequently demand I interact with strangers. In my situation, I needed some tools to make that easier.
People that inflict themselves on others is another matter entirely. People that talk constantly or haven't enough tact to know when they are intruding also don't have well-developed social skills. They don't realize it because they talk all the time, but they are not making a good impression--they are putting people off.
It's not just you. Some folks on the opposite end of the spectrum don't know the effect they are having on people!
Thanks for stopping back, and thanks again for voicing your opinion.
Mike
Great! Having studied for a while the subject of public speaking, which goes also into how to behave socially, I can say that this is a great summary of fundamental advices. Well done mike, rated and stumbled, and bookmarked.
Hi Mike, I am usually the shy type but not when I start to sing, I can sing in karaoke with lots of people around. I just pretend they are not there and feel the song singing it for my own sake, Nice tips here and I will remember them when I attend a party or when I am in crowd, Night, Maita
In some company I am invisible and in others the life and soul. I have never thought much about why. I think I will have to watch my body language and what I do and measure it up against your advice. In truth though I believe I am really a shy person who just crawls out of his shell now and again. Interesting article. Thank you.
- Author
hypnodude, thanks for stopping by. I appreciate your endorsement a great deal, both in your comments and your willingness to rate/stumble. I studied public speaking for awhile also, and the skills required are indeed relevant. If you can make an audience like you, you should be able to make an impression on a smaller group, as well.
Thanks again, my friend.
Mike
- Author
Maita, that's great that you enjoy singing and karaoke and can sing in front of people. That would terrify me--I might be able to speak in front of someone, but I doubt that I could sing. I used to pretend to even sing happy birthday in a group--I would mouth the words. So, I admire your ability to sing in front of others. You must have a nice singing voice.
Thanks for reading, your comments are always appreciated.
Mike
- Author
Peter, thanks for your comments. It is interesting that your public persona varies depending upon the company you worked with. Could be body language, or it might be your own feelings toward the company peeking through. That is an interesting situation, though, and worth giving some thought to causes.
Thanks for reading, I appreciate your comments very much.
Mike
you will be lonely when you don't find some one who can understand your need
- Author
younes, thanks for reading and commenting. I am not certain what your message was hoping to share, but hopefully we all can find ways to gain relationships that nurture us.
Thanks again.
Mike
I can tell, from your 'loner' background, that you've probably gotten all these steps from people you've watched socializing. I'm pretty sure these are things people do unconsciously when trying to make friends so the only problem I've got here is that I'm afraid people might not come out looking very natural when trying to follow rules. This is more like an observation to me than advice. We all know this is what we're supposed to do, we're just having a hard time doing these things. For example, "relax". Some people feel intimidated, or inferior, it isn't always easy to relax when in these situations. You're always worried of what the other person might think (try to add maybe that meeting someone new isn't that big of a deal..). What I'm trying to say is the people with a real problem are the people who can't do some of the things you have listed. How will a smile look naturally if a person is constantly thinking "damn, Mike said I won't look friendly if my smile isn't natural, it's the second nonverbal recommendation!". Also, if you're constantly studying someone's body language in order to mimic it, how are you supposed to maintain a natural look and keep eye contact with the person you're talking to?
Hahaha, I love the parts about keeping away from hot topics and debates. Coming from a lebanese family that is quite interested in politics, it's always very funny seeing someone encounter someone else who's political view is visibly different. We're a quite strongly opinionated people and we tend to judge someone by their political views... Well, the number of times people have had arguments and discussions during dinner parties etc is.. Anyway, we can't help it, and it's made me realize what a socially awkward people we are. We tend to categorize and follow in the paths that have been made out for us to follow.. (whether its because of our family, or where we come from inside of the country, or our religion). Socializing isn't necessary, we already know who are friends are and who aren't. Well, this isn't healthy for a community, or for an individual. And before I start getting into THAT, I better stop typing. I tend to get carried away, sorry darling ;)
Anyway, great article!
- Author
P, thanks so much for your comments and insights, they are greatly appreciated. Your are absolutely correct that some of these steps are more difficult than others, and it is also true that focusing one's attention on lists and suggestions is hardly natural. I acknowledge your contention that for socially challenged people, focusing too much on recommendations might be either impossible or counterproductive. Some people will struggle mightily just to force a smile while in a group setting. I wasn't that bad, but I was pretty close. In this regard, listening attentively is a good beginning. It requires little more than what it implies--paying attention and letting the other person speak.
I firmly believe that there are partial victories, however. A natural smile is better than a forced smile, but a forced smile is better than a frown. As well, it isn't necessarily important to focus on body language throughout a social situation. It might be helpful simply to notice posture and reflect how someone is standing. Breaking things down into manageable tasks is important for anyone who faces severe social anxiety.
I also believe success builds upon itself. I was forced to improve my social skills, but for me it was not a ten step program. I learned to control my breathing and relax first. I wasn't completely relaxed, but I was better and that gave me a starting point for future success. I next focused on eye contact and smiling. When I saw I was interacting more comfortably, it helped me relax even more because I knew I was doing better. As I progressed, the simplest of things (such as smiling) became more comfortable and natural by themselves--although I did continue to work on looking and feeling at ease.
I am convinced that fear in social situations can be overcome to the extent that we can all make a good first impression. I agree completely that for those who are socially challenged, however--it won't be easy. Some folks will have to work harder to make these suggestions work than others. These are things that have worked for me, however, and that's why I have recommended them.
Well, thanks so much for your comments. I do agree with what you have said and understand that any task or suggestion will work better for some people than others.
Mike
basic smart sound advice. . .funny but sometimes in social situations I can be so shy and then others I am a totally different person. . .so reading this spoke more to the shy side of me. . rated up and really enjoyed the read. . and the advice:)
- Author
wavegirl, thanks for reading. I am hopeful that shy folks everywhere might find something useful in my hub. I am often shy in social situations, but I'm doing better.
Thanks again for reading, and for your kind words.
Mike
Great hub! Great point in particular about not "trying too hard" to seek common ground--that really stood out to me. In social interactions, I think people (myself included) try to "hurry up" to figure out whether we should pursue a friendship further, in part by figuring out commonalities as soon as possible. It takes practice, I suppose, to develop the skill of "letting it flow," but is worthwhile nonetheless.
- Author
Benny, thanks for stopping by. Many people hurry to find common ground, and if they don't find it immediately, it makes everyone feel awkward. It can also look judgmental, as if something is wrong with anyone that doesn't agree with the speakers opinions or share his or her interests. It is much better to let things flow naturally and just see where it all ends up.
Thanks so much for stopping by, I appreciate your interest. Take care.
Mike
Mike,
I'll try and remember! Thanks for helping those of us who aren't naturally flamboyant!
Oh, I like the signature at the end!
- Author
Schoolgirlforreal, thanks for reading. I am among those who are not naturally flamboyant, and I am now more comfortable in these settings. It does take some effort, but small gains help as well as large ones.
Thanks for commenting on the signature, BTW. I thought it added a personal touch to the page.
Mike
Yes, I am definitely more comfortable in these settings :) Yes I love the signature, sylish, I'm assuming it's yours, but you don't have to tell :) I love writing fancy and dabbling in calligraphy. It's great touch.
Thanks for being so kind , as Prey mentioned in one of her vampire poems, you really respond to comments well! That's how I discovered you! Also, thank you for following me :)
Great tips Mike, I think a lot of our problems are to do with out own self esteem! When I was growing up as a young boy it was always 'be seen and not heard'. I know in my case it gave me a terrible self worth image and consequently I was very shy. I was able to overcome this shyness (to a point) with tips like yours from a mentor. After all we are creatures of habit and all we have to do is change our habits! and most of our actions, gestures etc. are acquired habits aren't they?
good and frank advice Mike - just twittered this - cheers
- Author
schoolgirlforreal, thanks for stopping back by. Prey is very kind, and I am gratified that something she said about me made a difference. I enjoy her work very much. The signature is mine, I just thought it added a personal touch not often seen here. I am glad it was noticed. I am hardly an expert at it, but I enjoy calligraphy as well.
Thanks again for stopping back, I am very grateful for your thoughts and comments. Take care.
Mike
- Author
Agvulpes, thanks for reading. You are absolutely correct, the things we do that shape our social interactions are habits, and they can be changed for the better. It is not always easy, but with persistence our habits can be molded into something more positive. I have always wished the "seen but not heard" school of thought would diminish--I personally believe children have much to say and should be heard. I think if a child is taught to wait until someone else is done speaking before interjecting their own thoughts, there is no reason whatsoever for a boy or girl to be excluded from a conversation. Not being allowed to express themselves certainly inhibits self-esteem.
Thanks so much for stopping by, and it is gratifying to hear that ideas similar to those suggested here have worked for you. Take care.
Mike
- Author
Ajcor, thanks for reading and for the tweet. I appreciate your help and input. Take care.
Mike
i'm a big believer in maintaining friendly, open body language like arns uncrossed and whatnot. i never thought about mirroring other people's gestures though. they might misinterpret that as copying or mimicing them. actually i never think about it when meeting new people i just smile and engage them by looking right into their eyes and you're right, listening to them is key. neat hub Mike. i like your siggy at the end. nice touch! rating UP and useful :)
- Author
Cosette, thanks for stopping by. I should emphasize that copying another person's gestures or mannerisms should never be overt enough to be noticed--it is more an act of leaning in the same direction or smiling when they do.
I would guess that you are a naturally engaging person, and even if you are not comfortable meeting new people, you probably do it well. Your personality shines through in your writing, and I would guess your social interactions are usually successful.
Thanks for the kind words about the signature, I thought it added a personal touch to the page. I'm glad you liked it. Take care.
Mike
I really enjoyed reading your hub. It's so helpful. Keep up the good work! :)
- Author
Maureen, thanks for stopping by. I am glad you enjoy reading my work, and I am appreciative of your kind words. Stop by any time!
Mike
Ok, overall EXCELLENT article with lots of good points. Especially about the mirroring and smiling.
However, just as a constructive critique, I think a lot of the material here has been covered to death. (Such as the "relax" and "avoid arguments".)
Of course, doesn't mean people always listen, so maybe it's stuff that should be repeated! ;-)
- Author
Jessy, thanks for your comments. You are correct, some points in this article have been covered in other venues. I believed it was so important to emphasize relaxing that it bore repeating. Avoiding arguments perhaps not so much, although anyone prone to argumentative behavior probably needs to see this message as much as possible. I appreciate your critique very much, as well as your kind words. They are greatly appreciated.
Thanks for stopping by and offering your insights. Take care.
Mike
im in high school now but i never really have much friends at school. i really dont know why. im trying to act or be funny and people bully me. sometimes i get really hyper and sometimes i dont. i can have my happy monements if i want. sometimes i just dont know what to say to the people im talking to. i talked to the consellor but its not working. people think im a loner and i am. but people dont really like me that much.
- Author
Blacksheep, you don't have to be a loner if you don't want to be, but it isn't always easy to reach out to others. Start slowly--just say hello to someone that seems approachable, and see what your response might be. I would also certainly recommend more conversations with your counselor at school.
I hope things change for the better for you. Take care.
Mike
A good article, but do not you think it is not easy for someone who is used to behave naturally, I mean if I do not like a person how can I be that good to him?
- Author
Original, thanks for reading. To answer your question, if you don't like someone, you probably won't make the effort to get the person to like you in return. Subsequently, the steps recommended here would not apply. If you want to get people to like you, the recommendations here should help. If not, it won't matter.
Thanks for stopping by and reading, I am appreciative of your interest. Take care.
Mike
BE YOURSELF! never try to be someone your not because then they dont like "you as a person" they like the person you are acting as. Everyone is special i there own way and is loved in there own way..
- Author
Jamie-girl, your advice is very sound. Sometimes shy, introverted people need help in meeting people, but if you are true to yourself and act within your beliefs, you will be liked for who and what you are. Thanks for your insights, they are greatly appreciated.
Mike
I know a lot of people that are rakonteur..nice hub friend!!
- Author
Kay, thanks for the kind words. I appreciate your stopping by a great deal. Take care.
Mike
Of course it's a lot harder for us kiwis.. because there are so many sheep here and what is socially acceptable to us is not always acceptable to the sheep! I've always found that at mixed parties.. that maintaining eye contact with nervous sheep can result in completely unacceptable stuff happening.
However, clearly someone has taken the time here to educate our young sheep in the non-verbal skills that you promote in this great hub; as many farmers report that it is now very common to see large flocks of sheep on Wednesdays, standing around with their hooves in their pockets and smiling at those farmers! Of course the sheep report that this social skill has made quite a few farmers scratch their heads, while others are so nervous that it results in completely unacceptable stuff occurring!
Oh well, things could be worse.. especially if the sheep learn to wear gumboots!
Thanks for sharing... I'll be sure not to let my flock read this good advice... take care.
- Author
Pearldiver, thanks for your comments. I appreciate the kind words about my article, and I hope the sheep aren't standing around too much with their hooves in their pockets. I agree--keep the flock away from this.
Take care.
Mike
I agree that you shouldn't brag on yourself or monopolize the conversation, but it is necessary to balance the two-way exchange. If the person you're talking to is doing all the talking, prodded along with question after question on your part, they may feel like they're in an interview or being subjected to a third degree rather than in a true conversation.
- Author
Tim, thanks for reading. I agree with your assessment--a conversation certainly shouldn't feel like an interrogation, and even when someone loves talking about themselves, they will eventually tire of it if they are the only ones contributing to a conversation. My point was that most folks do like the attention, and will appreciate your interest in them. You are right, though--it has to be a two-way exchange.
Thanks for stopping by and offering your insights. Happy New Year!
Mike
Something to ponder on sooner than later. Thank you~!
- Author
Thank you, funmontrealgirl. I appreciate your stopping by and reading.
Mike
Great article! I definitely learned a lot! Thank you Mike!
- Author
Thank you, Gavin! I appreciate your stopping by. Take care.
Mike
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