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- Advice & Tips for Men in Relationships
How to Start Conversations with Women
Approaching a woman you're interested in can be tough. Not only is it hard to start a good conversation with a total stranger, but a woman's beauty can make you even more nervous. The good news is that starting and maintaining interesting, engaging conversations with women is a skill that can be learned. Here are some recommendations on how to improve this skill. Getting out there to practice these skills will help you vastly improve your conversations with women.
1. Get a routine
A routine or script is an option for men that have very little skill. This is not a long term solution. In time, you will need to do the harder work of becoming more spontaneous and observant (see below). But to get the process started you can use pre-planned routines.
Routines that you develop yourself are the most effective. That way, it will be a reflection of your personality, not someone else's. Reciting lines that someone else gives you is very hard because you may not speak the same way, with the same cadence or voice tone. It will come across as fake and awkward.
You can sit down for five minutes and write down no more than a paragraph's worth of material. Even better, come up with three to five general "themes" or subjects that tie together and that you are interested in. This gives you something to talk about, but also allows some flexibility to be spontaneous.
Your routine helps you start talking with a woman. Having something to say in the back of your mind means that you will not just stand there with your mouth open. This will give you the confidence and courage to start approaching women. But the real skill will be developed by using the more advanced techniques below.
2. Observing and being in the moment
When we are nervous, we over-think things. We can't move away from the situation, so we tend to withdraw mentally instead. We shut out our surroundings and "lock up."
The way to solve this problem is to be in the moment. Be aware of what is happening around you and in the environment. Be mindful of your feelings and thoughts. Observe the people around you, the sights, smells, sounds. There are literally endless topics to start a conversation in the environment around you, whether in a bar, nightclub, cafe, bookstore or anywhere else. Everything can be a conversation starter, just start talking and get the ball rolling.
Observe the woman you are approaching. Take a mental inventory of what she is wearing (black leather shoes, pink dress, flower-print shirt, gold earrings, bracelets, accessories, hair color, purse, etc). This gives you tons of things to talk about. You can start a conversation by complimenting her on something she is wearing, on her overall sense of style, or (if you are really in the moment and observant) on her overall "energy"--does she seem positive, fun, relaxed, happy, whatever.
Becoming more observant of yourself and the world around you is a skill that takes some time to develop, but can really expand your world, beyond just talking to girls. You will feel a deep confidence and comfort that can carry you in whatever situation you find yourself.
Listening is an aspect of observation. But listening is so important it deserves special attention here. Every woman wants a man who actually listens to her. Why is this so important to them? Because men have a terrible habit of not listening to women! And it starts from the moment we meet them.
If you listen to a woman, you will never run out of things to say. It's that simple. Every little bit of information she gives you, carries the seeds of new conversational threads and topics. You can give your opinion on something she's saying, connect what she says with something else in your life (i.e. "that reminds me of..."), or ask follow up questions to learn more.
Listening is probably the single most important skill for men to improve their conversations with women.
The best human conversations are spontaneous conversations, not pre-planned. Spontaneous conversations happen when we are in the moment, totally comfortable with ourselves and the situation, and more or less relaxed.
Conversations are not exchanges of information. They are exchanges of feelings. This is why men who are not very intelligent can often capture the attention of attractive women. On paper, the information they are saying is not very interesting. But the way they communicate makes them interesting, because they are being spontaneous and expressing real feelings.
Think about the way you act around close friends or family members. You are relaxed, you speak off the cuff, you don't worry about offending anyone and you just speak at a normal, steady pace. These are the same kinds of habits you want to develop when talking to women.
Instead of worrying about offending the girl or making her angry, just say what comes into your head. Unless you have mental issues or absolutely no social exposure at all, you can have confidence in yourself to not say anything crazy. What you will find is that, most of the time, instead of being "weirded out" by your off-the-cuff banter, women will find it refreshingly honest and compelling. You were the first guy who didn't stick to safe, normal, boring conversation! You actually gave your opinion about something! You actually disagreed with her about something, instead of kissing her ass!
Remember that this woman is a stranger. You don't know her. If she isn't interested, you have not lost anything--you are exactly where you were before (except now you have more practice taking risks and working on your conversation skills).
And what if you do happen to say something impolitic or offensive? Sometimes you will mess up. That is part of improving. You can't get anywhere unless you take risks. Learn from your mistakes, and move on.
5. Be open, genuine and honest
This is what people really mean when they say "just be yourself." Many problems that men have when trying to talk to women stem from the same root cause: they are not being totally open. The guy is nervous, so he is closed off from the moment to soften the blow of rejection. It's a defense mechanism. Only problem is, if the guy is closed off and trying to put on a certain image, then the girl that he is approaching will respond to his energy and be closed off too.
As the man and as the person starting the conversation, the onus is on you to lead the energy and the vibe. However you lead it, she will follow. If you are nervous, she will be nervous. If you are relaxed and confident, then she will become that way too.
It takes time for many guys to understand they don't need to act a certain way to get girls to like them. Just being honest and open with your feelings and your thoughts is enough. Most women will be delighted to talk with a man who has the courage to make himself vulnerable in this way.
The ability to be comfortable in vulnerability is one of the most important aspects of long term success with women. Instead of worrying about being "rejected" or her not liking you, you eventually realize that if she's not interested, it is not a reflection on you as a person. You only spoke for a few minutes before she walked away--how could she possibly reject you, the real you? She doesn't even know who you are.
Powerful, dominant men are comfortable being vulnerable. They are comfortable stepping outside of their comfort zone and taking risks. They are comfortable with the idea of failure. They understand that failure is part of life, and you cannot succeed with women or anything else unless you are prepared to fail, and to get up and try again.