The Most Sensible Ways to Date a Southern Belle
Talked to a young man a few weeks ago
who was in his early twenties and he was very excited to tell me, as he and I drank our coffee, about the possibility of dating a real, true-blue, bona fine southern belle. And the boy was serious as the economy is bad. Really serious. So serious about his fascination with dating a girl from the deep south that Roseanne Barr could have walked through the restaurant where we were sitting and he would have jumped her for a date. In my many years of living, I've never met anyone with such a zeal for southern belles.
After we finished our coffee
and long talk about southern girls, he finally got into his 2011 Camry and drove away. Probably never see him again in this life. But I have to admit. I admire this boy's drive and determination to take one of our southern "lovelies" out for an evening of dancing, dining and some hand-holding the old-fashioned way. And I sincerely hope that one day soon, he actually meets and gets a date with his "dream girl," a southern-born, southern-bred, southern belle.
When I returned home that night
this guy's wide-eyed intensity about southern belles got me to thinking. Or maybe it was the six cups of black coffee. Either way, I sat down and composed this easy-to-use "hand book," if you will, about "How to Successfully Score a Date with a Southern Belle," and if this guy who was so crazy in-love with our women in the south, is reading this hub, the following segments of trusty advice is just for YOU:
Now, son, you have your heart set on dating a southern belle. Right? That's what I thought you said. Okay. Before you set out to attempt to get a date with one of our "flowers of beauty," the southern belle, there are some things you need to know.
- The southern belle is not like an average girl. She is a breed apart. Not to be trifled with. Run-over. Lied to. Or abused in any way. She is a lady down to the bone.
- The southern belle comes from a long, storied background of manners, respect, and devotion to family and tradition. She can be a no non-sense girl.
- The southern belle is not a breed of livestock to be bought or sold by unmannered men with tobacco juice soaked into their faces at a public auction behind some hardware store in Jackson, Mississippi.
- The southern belle is not a "dumb blond," brunette or red head. She is today's CEO, lawyer, head of industry, politics and power. Do not be fooled by that girlish smile and soft voice that coos, "thank you, sir," when shown some respect.
- The southern belle has a mind. A brain and can think for herself. Do not be an idiot and try to impress her with "your" brand of worldly-experience. She has already been there. Done that. And will be easily-bored if you are not "on your game."
- The southern belle is not a lady you can take for granted. She has this uncanny, sharp feminine sense that tells her you are just trying to use her for pleasure and then skip town. Yes, she's seen jerks like you before.
When approaching a southern belle, DO NOT
- Blurt out, "Hey, sugar! How's 'bout a date tonight?" She will only glance at you once. Walk away while laughing AT you. Not WITH you.
- "Act" like you need her to tell you directions to "Harry's Sausage Emporium," or the correct time. What are you, a shallow excuse for a man?
- Try to "sugar her up" with your rented car, your one silk suit and your teeth that the dentist has just cleaned that morning. How can you, or any other man, impress a girl whose heritage dates back to the early 1800's?
- Hand her empty compliments such as, "Hey, doll. I love your shoes." or "I bet if you raced against an apple pie, you would win for being the sweetest."
- Wink at her, whistle at her, or try to walk cool like guys do who are "on the prowl" today in 2012. What part of "lady" do you not understand?
- Be dishonest with this southern belle. The absolute worst thing you can do is let her catch you in a lie. Then it will be a sure-fire, blue ribbon-winning, "Goodbye, chump," and no hope of you getting a second chance with her.
If you are blessed to get to talk to this southern belle, DO NOT
- Talk as loud as a Marine drill instructor such as the one in "Full Metal Jacket." She can hear you. And her voice is soft and very silky. Try to talk to her the way she talks to you. Civil.
- Tell her vulgar, barroom jokes that only guys can appreciate. Contrary to social belief and writings on men's room walls, southern belles DO EXIST in 2012 and can be dated IF men like you can learn how to respect them as the ladies that they are.
- Disrespect her parents when you are introduced. None of this "Hey, daddio," or "Hello, mama," stuff or you will be sent packing. Before you have a chance to sit down.
- Disrespect her pet cat or dog. A pet is vitally-important to a southern belle. So show her pet all the respect possible. You will thank me later.
- Dominate the conversation with things just about "YOU." Ask her questions. Show her that you are interested in her. Ask her parents about their lives. Remember, the world does not revolve around you. And it never hurts to allow someone else to have the spotlight.
- Forget that you are to use manners. Let her go in front of you and that goes for her mother. Open the door for her. Yes, this is "old hat" for you, but man, will she ever appreciate your gallantry.
If you do get a date with a southern belle, DO NOT
- Show up in wrinkled clothes. No southern belle, or any girl I know, appreciates a first-date with a man in a wrinkled suit. This says to her that you do not care about how you look in public.
- Wear shoes without socks. This is a huge social blunder. And you will be sending a signal to her and her parents that you once supported the "flower children," "free love," and an open drug usage society. Bad mistake wearing shoes and no socks.
- Show up with crumbs or stains from your last meal still on your shirt. There is this neat invention that you can use to inspect your appearance. You might have heard of it. A mirror. Use it before you leave to meet her.
- Have "onion breath," or even worse, breath that smells like "feet." If you want a sure turn-off with your southern belle and suddenly have her say, "my stars, what a massive headache I have. I want to postpone our date, please," then do not use mouth wash. And that headache statement really means she doesn't want to see you or that breath again.
- Bring your good buddy, "Hal," with you on your first, or any date with this southern belle. It's not her problem that "Hal," is as homely as a Bluetick hound and cannot pay a girl to date him, so leave "Hal," at home with his mom.
- Smoke cigarettes, chew tobacco or even have smokeless tobacco in your mouth or car when you pick her up. FACT: southern belles in their origins, may have lived around tobacco patches, but they do not date them.
When dining with a southern belle, DO NOT
- Be selfish or self-absorbed and say something really ignorant like, "hey, would you give me the pepper first. My steak costs more than your salad." What kind of animal are you anyway? You are on a date with a true lady. Treat her like one. Is that too hard for you to do?
- Talk with your mouth full. What are you, a mule?
- Ignore what she is saying to you. Hang on her every word. No matter if there is an ex-playboy bunny sitting at the next table. You are a privileged man to be dating a southern belle. Can you at least try to remember that?
- Be distracted with the football game that is on the television over the bar in the restaurant. Who cares if you have $500.00 riding on this game? She doesn't. And you shouldn't take the Seattle Seahawks and the 7 points against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
- Allow your southern belle to rise from the table without you first getting up to help her with her chair. FACT: southern belles love this.
- Overly-compliment or be overly-sweet to your southern belle. She and her mother, grandmother and great, great grandmother were all about modesty and moderation. Learn the meaning of both words. And use them.
And finally, I leave you with these last-minute tips . . .
When driving your southern belle home, DO NOT
- Assume that she will invite you in for a night cap. It is her choice. And do not use those lame excuses like, "May I use your bathroom?" for she is as sly as a fox. She can read you like a cheap newspaper. Be cool is all I ask.
- Go on and on about your job, ex-girlfriends, and how much you make in sales commissions on unloading used luggage. She might want to tell you about her life. Ever think of that?
- Be pushy. Force yourself on her. Southern belles, well, all girls literally seethe with hatred at a guy acting like this.
- Suddenly want a drink of water to gain access to her home or apartment.
- Take the moment at her front door for granted that she wants you to kiss her good night. Simply shake her hand. This respectful move will make you a lot of major points with her. I promise.
Take it from me, humor does go a long way with today's southern belle. But in a clean, respectful way. Southern belles, after all, are ladies. Do not forget that.
. . .And make absolutely sure that your fly is not open at any time of the night.
Good luck, y'all.
I Hate to Be a Harbinger of Bad News
But places like this, farms and plantations
is where most southern belles in their early stages, were born and raised. Just imagine that this old, run-down barn and out buildings were once strong, stately and picturesque with a lovely farmer's daughter dressed in her finest walking with her boyfriend in the evening shade. Some mental photo, huh? But unlike this material building that has been destroyed by time, the southern belles are alive and well in 2017. And will always be with us. Thank God.
© 2012 Kenneth Avery