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How to Tell Your Boyfriend Bluntly that You're Breaking Up
It Is Time To End It- When You Know the Relationship is Over
You may have been with him a long time or not that long at all, but when you are debating whether or not your relationship is over, here are some hints that you are correct in your feelings:
- When he makes contact with you through text, in person, or phone call and you know that you don't want to interact with him, so you are either abrupt or you don't respond at all to his contact.
- The thought of him makes you feel sad, frustrated, resentful or angry.
- You start asking friends to stay with you when he speaks with you so that you don't have to be alone with him.
- He belittles you, your family, your friends and your neighbors, anyone or anything that you derive comfort, happiness, joy or support from.
- You are afraid of him.
- He is physically aggressive towards you or others.
Reasons For Ending Your Relationship
You owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to list the reasons that you are ending the relationship. We cannot grow as people unless we know what it is that we need to change. Here are a few reasons that people end relationships:
- No/few shared interests
- No/few common friends
- Differing religions or belief systems
- Different opinions on core values
- Moving to a new location/current long distance is too much to manage
- Temper/Anger Issues
- Honesty Issues
- Lack of Respect
Presenting the Break-Up to Your Boyfriend
The hardest part of breaking up with someone is to actually do it. There are as many ways to break up as there are stars in the sky. To give the least amount of trauma to your boyfriend and yourself, you should be courteous and considerate. (Even if you are nervous, scared, angry, resentful or emotionally exhausted.)
Here are some factors to consider when you are breaking up:
- Do you really still want to be friends?
- Does your boyfriend have a substance abuse problem?
- Is the reason that you are breaking up infidelity?
- Do you need to exchange possessions?
If you still want to be friends with your boyfriend, that may not be possible at the beginning of the breakup. You are breaking up with him, and no matter what, that hurts.Even if you are the one doing the breakup, and you want the relationship to end, you may be shocked to realize that you are hurting. Allow space for the grieving process of you both. Don't be constantly in contact. The constant contact sends mixed messages. Additionally, absence allows you to to fall back to the friend place without having a broken heart.
Plan what you want to say. You should have a very good idea of what you want to say and prepare yourself to what his possible reactions will be.
Choose a time that is convenient for the both of you. Don't choose right before work or school. Don't choose bedtime, either. It's not fair.
Don't resort to name calling. Give the breakup the respect that you would want to be given if someone were breaking up with you.
Be honest. This is not the time to say "It is not you, it is me." You need to explain what went wrong. Even if it is you that made the decision to end it, your ex-boyfriend should be given the chance to process the information and to heal and work through the grief that he will go through. Telling him no reason at all is not fair and it is not the adult way to handle it.
Returning Property. If you have things of his and he has things of yours, make a list. Prepare his things in a box or boxes with a small inventory on the top so that he can see what is in the box. If he mentions things that are not on the list, be prepared to give them to him as well. Don't hold onto things that are his in order to see him again. If you are being responsible, then you need to act responsible. That also means that you do not get to keep anything that you gave him as a gift. Don't break or damage his things. Make a list of everything that is yours and ask for those things back. Things that you don't care about, let him know that as well so that he can discard them. Return keys. Get keys. Collect keys right then and there. If you don't feel safe, change locks.
If you are living together, this is more complicated, but the basics still apply. Take what is yours, leave what is his, get along as adults until you or he or both of you move.
Breaking Up With a Boyfriend Who is Violent or Has Substance Abuse Problems
Don't break up alone. If possible, have friends with you or in the same location. Ask your friends to not comment or intervene unless things become heated. That means no contributing to the conversation, and no texting while this is happening. They need to give you both the attention that the seriousness of the matter deserves.
Choose a well lit public place. Let others know where you will be. Make sure that it is located near a major road should you need to leave quickly. I strongly recommend the parking lot of a police station.
Have all of his things with you when you meet. Don't give him a single reason to have contact with you. Make sure that you have everything of his. All music, clothing, personal effects, anything that is his needs to come with you.
Explain why you are breaking up and ask for no further contact. Be firm. Be polite. Keep it short, simple and to the point. He may say that he will change, that it will be better, that he will be different. Remain calm and stay with your plan of breaking up with him.
Contact your home and mobile phone company and block his number. This should happen as soon as possible. Explain why you are doing this to the phone company. They may waive charges and offer to change your phone numbers as well.
Block his email. Make sure that you keep any and all emails from him, especially if there are any where he talks about the violence or substance abuse.
Change your locks on all accessible places where you are. If possible, do this before the break up. Your life may depend on it.
Notify friends and family of what is going on and when you will be breaking up. Don't be afraid to admit that you are afraid. Tell them what happened for you to leave him. State the facts without embellishing. If friends offer to be there with you, take them up on the offer. Your safety is very important.
Don't say things to incite emotion or anger. Break up. Thank him for his time, return his property, wish him the best in his life if you want to and leave.
Don't go straight home in case he shows up there. Don't be afraid to call the police if you feel threatened. If he acts in a threatening manner when you are breaking up, set his things down and go into the police station if that is where you are breaking up. Tell them what is going on. Don't hesitate to save your own life.
Meeting With Your Boyfriend to Breakup
Here is the hardest part. You don't want to be a completely hateful person, but you want to end the relationship.
Choose a public place and have his things with you as mentioned above.
Don't order a meal if you are in a restaurant. Order a water or non-alcoholic beverage.
Here is an example of what to say:
"Tim, the reason we are here is I don't feel like we are working out as a couple anymore. I still want to be friends with you. I don't want to date you anymore. The reason why is that we have really drifted apart since we have both gone back to college. We never see one another. When we do get together, all we do is fight or watch movies at my house. I think that we both deserve to be happy, and I don't think it will happen if we remain with one another.
I have brought your things with me. I have a list here of the things that I would like back. I still want to be friends with you, but I think that it will take a while for us both to get over this, so for a month or so, I won't be in touch with you. I am sorry that we did not work out."
After you have made your statement, allow him to speak. He may beg to work it out. Remain firm. He may be relieved and have been wondering how to break up with you. Just be grateful, exchange possessions and leave.
Contact After the Breakup
You both may have reasons to contact each other such as exchanging possessions. Keep the conversation light and polite. Don't answer comments about missing you, working it out or anything else. Address the pertinent issues and move on.
If you want to be friends, allow time to heal, and then proceed with caution. If either of you starts acting like boyfriend and girlfriend again, then point it out and allow some time to pass before you interact again.
If you cannot be friends after the breakup, block his number and email address.
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