How to Win the Break Up
So you're dealing with a break up. You may want to moan and groan to the entire world about your shambled relation, but I'm going to help you like the pro you are to -- move on like your a chessboard piece making your way into Mario World. That's right, you're getting out of that Chess game.
1. Do not use social media to cry out about your pain, make passive aggressive posts about your new ex, or anything related to our relationship. Absolutely none of your Facebook friends care. The only ones who care will take you out at night and party with you. None of your Facebook world cares, and you don't really, honestly want to inform them. Otherwise, 2 years down the road when you have moved on from this person, one of your Facebook friends will ask about your break up because it's the last thing they remember reading from your status updates. That's the netherworld for you.
2. Grab a garbage bag. Anything and everything that is related to this person that you don't need or have a personal attachment to -- throw it away. Throw out leftovers in your fridge, sentimental gifts, even clothes. You have the option to haul it to the trash, light it on fire, or donate it. Don't keep this stuff. You do not need it. Clearing it out will help. It cuts the ties and that's what you need.
3. Instead of bawling on your pillow at night defeated, clean your house. Make sure that this person hasn't won over you to the point that you stop cleaning, taking care of yourself, and showering. Clean to refocus your mind.
4. Get involved in the community. Take classes in something you have always dreamed of doing. What you need to do is reinvent your social connections. This does not mean go out and date everybody -- your energy right now says "rebound" and that nonsense is complicated. Go take a pottery or dancing class instead. Make a new friend group. You might need a new friend group because you probably don't want to be surrounded by people who knew your sweet used to be soulmate.
5. Pamper yourself. Get your nails done, go to a spa, exercise, drink green tea.
6. If this so called person contacts you, keep it brief. They do not need to know where you are emotionally. That's your business, your best friends business, etc. Your emotional involvement with the person is over.
7. Unfollow them on Facebook. Do not delete them or block them unless they are a threat to your safety. You're overreacting by deleting someone. Unfollow -- and go streaks without looking them up. You're not over them until you can one day look at their profile without feeling hot flashes. Also, stop following them on all social media. Stop following their family, their best friends -- you get the picture. Put up walls on all of that. Move on. Reinvent the energy you have. Your love is for someone else.
8. Spend approximately one to two months enjoying watching break up movies and listening to break up albums. You have to enjoy this, if it makes you feel bad -- skip the step. This is more of a celebration of life and that you're getting to experience one of life's up and downs -- a break up.
9. Watch movies with people you think are the most attractive people on the planet. Remember that you are attractive. That there's a lot of attractive people. It's not the end of the world.
You smell good. John Stamos is beautiful no matter what age. Natalie Portman is infectious in any movie. Don't dwell on your ex. Get over them. Move on. Repeat and rinse.
10. Learn something new. Try new recipes. Learn a new language. This will help to focus your brain on something else and to learn new memory skills.
11. Give yourself time to be introspective. If you are feeling mad or sad, go somewhere and think about those feelings intentionally, creatively, and give them a chance to express themselves privately. These feelings will eventually subside, especially if the relationship was short. It's okay to feel crappy emotions. You don't want to dump these on others -- so get introspective with yourself, whether that's thinking deeply or journaling.
12. Do not listen to songs that remind you of the person.
13. Do not go on walks or visit places you used to with that person. Hit up new bars. Hit up new streets. Take different paths. This will help you avoid people and make a new path for yourself.
14. Be kind to yourself. You're probably not going to be 100% peachy consistently or overnight. Tell people how you really feel even if they can't tell you're down underneath it all. Especially talk if it is hard to tell your upset underneath it all.
15. Dance out the emotions. Be a closet dancer. You can do it, tiny dancer.
16. Stay healthy. Eat right. Go to sleep right. Do not harm yourself over a break up. Do not binge over a break up. Avoid the alcohol. It makes you too talky anyway. Get balanced.
17. Only get into a new relationship when you are absolutely ready. Not before that. You'll be too much of an emotional roller coaster.
18. Don't angry text your ex. They do not need to know about your angry emotions. It's none of their business. Own that. It's yours. They gave up on those rights when a break up materialized.
19. Focus on your morals, don't drop them just because you feel like it.
20. Hang out with your friends. Celebrate life. Listen to others rather than talk too much. Use those ears and brain cells of yours. They're beautiful times ten.
21. Give yourself daily goals. Conquer, seize, be ambitious.
22. Take long, relaxing baths. In fact, relax. Take deep breaths. You owe it to yourself. Now is the time for a holiday. Relax some more. Breathe deeply. Get a pedicure. Get a massage. Listen to tranquil music. Go for a walk. Go on lots of walks. Garden. Write poetry.
23. Compliment yourself.
24. Travel, get out of the city, and take lots of irrelevant pictures.
25. Don't show hate, don't show love. It's time for indifference and apathy and the unrelated-to-love material. Throw up happy things on your Facebook like mermaids, glitter, and tricycles.
26. Take up yoga.
27. Get a haircut, but not a drastic one. A drastic one will make you crazy after a week when you realize you chopped off your hair. Cut just a few inches.
28. Go into a cave and watch TV for awhile. A long while.
29. Rearrange the furniture in your house.
30. Run a marathon.
31. Write yourself a letter from the future explaining how great the future will be.
32. Laugh. Go to the mirror and practice laughing and making strange faces. Give yourself the chance to distract yourself.
33. Do not stalk your ex, their new beau, or complain about any of it.
34. Do not contact their family and try to keep relationships with their family
35. It's time for a polka dance break down. Right now. Just get up and move those cells in your body. Do the polka. Just do it. Do it right now.
36. Burn your sheets. Buy new sheets. New clean sheets.
37. Dream about kissing new people.
38. Do finger paintings when you feel the tidal wave of emotions.
39. Give yourself about a year before you see this person again. You don't need to see them. You need to realign yourself. It's like realigning your back with a chiropractor. That's what happens in a break up. Realignment.
40. Don't indulge in your dark side for too long. Also, it's okay to consider your dark side and not be afraid of it. If you're not aware of yourself you may do stupid and regrettable things.