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How to deal with domestic violence?

Updated on February 22, 2014

I drew in a shocked breath when I saw the bruised eye of my friend. ‘My husband feels inferior to me because I earn more than him. Yesterday I told him about my increment which was far higher than his! It made him wild with envy. He deliberately took a twisted meaning to an innocuous word I said and behaved so violently that I was scared for my life’. She is one among the many cases of domestic violence which seem to spurt up in multiples.

Do you think only a man is prone to physically abuse his wife and that his wife is always at the receiving end? You are wrong! Woman also joins the foray and she too physically attacks her husband with the intention of hurting him.

The other day I was watching a talk show about relationship problems. The wife was explaining to the mediator how her husband regularly beat her up. She was crying inconsolably and I felt sad when she pointed out the scars her husband’s violent physical attack had inflicted on her.

When the mediator questioned her husband, he had his own tale of domestic violence to tell.

‘She would not cook or look after the children. I do not know where she goes and when she will be back. If I question her, she hits me with whatever comes to her hand which makes me hit back in retaliation.’ He showed his scars of attack by his wife.

Well, what has happened to marriages that you see such spurt of domestic violence?

Marriage as a whole has all lost all its worth as its meaning is twisted and turned according to your mindset and there are no longer basic rules of conduct in your relationship. The clamor for rights in marriage is so vociferous that the voice for duties and decency is lost in the din.

Have you seen what happens when people take to streets on certain issues and revolt against the government? Vandalism and sabotage destroys public properties and brings normal life of normal citizens to a standstill. Can your life be peaceful when there is such violence? You are terrified to go out!

This scenario happens right in your home when you do not respect your spouse and show your fury and aggravation in an indecent manner. You target your frustrations, anger and annoyance at your spouse in a ferocious way. A sadistically frustrated husband\wife is a hell to live with. Everything goes out of hand in your marriage when you lose the basic decency needed for your relationship to survive.

Wife abuses her husband for his incapacity to earn more, while the husband vents his frustration and disappointment on his wife. Whatever might be the reason, domestic violence has no place in married life.

  • Should you overlook such violence to make your marriage survive?
  • Should you complain to your parents?
  • Or should you complain about it to the police?

Have you ever analyzed the reasons why your spouse attacks you?

A normal person with basic humanity would never think of hurting his\her spouse. No man\woman is born violent. It is the upbringing and childhood that decides the character of your spouse. When his\her childhood is perpetually abusive and he\she are a victim of abusive parents, he\she grows up without knowing the niceties of life.

Uncertainty and insecurity can make your spouse burst out at the slightest provocation. He\she feels unworthy when you earn more than him\her or achieve easy success whereas he\she has to desperately struggle for even a lukewarm success. His\her mediocre performance makes him\her feel inferior and when you make degrading comments about him\her, his\her lurking violent nature comes to the foray and charges at you with brutal impact.

What should you do when you are a victim of domestic violence?

You should try to reason with your spouse and tell him\her that you would not tolerate such behavior from him\her. If you attack back, it becomes free for all as your children watch you, shivering with fear. If you are meekly submissive your spouse feels encouraged to use his\her abusive strength on you.

You can take him\her for counseling and see whether there is a positive change in his\her behavior towards you. But counseling can only make him\her aware that he\she is making mistakes and showcases ways to rectify himself\herself. But the real changes should come from within him\her and it is then your spouse really changes for the better.

Adjusting to your spouse is one thing but being a meek spectator to all the abuse thrust on you is another thing altogether. Your life and the life of your children could be in danger. When he\she does not change his\her psychopath behavior towards you there is no chance of your marriage surviving.

© 2014 mathira


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    • mathira profile image

      mathira 3 years ago from chennai

      violet, marrying on the rebound is always self defeating. When you feel your spouse is being too violent, it is always better to move away from that marriage. But remarriage depends on a main factor, your children. You should not in any hurt the emotions of your children by getting into a relationship without being sure whether they will be accepted by the person you intend to marry.

    • violetheaven profile image

      Jessica Ellen Holbrook 3 years ago from Newark, DE, USA

      What are your views on divorce in the case of domestic violence? Is it sound? And should the woman remarry if possible after she has worked out those issues stemming from the abusive marriage (with someone else)?

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 4 years ago from chennai

      When domestic violence is life threatening, it is no use continuing in such a relationship. But sometimes the love you have makes you want to give the violent spouse that one final chance.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Domestic violence is a problem for many couples or for just one of the partners. you tips sound helpful. I knew of someone who battled for most of her life with her husband she eventually had to leave but after many assaults.

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 4 years ago from chennai

      I too disapprove of such domestic violence billy. But the fact remains that there are many untold cases of such torture which anyone with basic humanity will never tolerate.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      This sort of thing is on the increase in the U.S.....I have no patience with spousal abuse...or abuse of any kind for that matter. You handle this much more reasonably than I would and for that you have my respect.

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 4 years ago from chennai

      You have a point there, dashingscorpio.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.

      - Oscar Wilde

      If someone is beating on you it clearly proves they don't think you're special! It is not the job of the (victim) to fix the (abuser).

      Each of us chooses our own friends, lovers, and spouse. If we're unhappy with our choice we can learn to make better choices in the future. Anyone with a decent measure of self-esteem will not tolerate being a punching bag. Having said that I understand there is no such thing as an "universal deal breaker". Some people will never leave a toxic relationship until they die. Once again that is (their) choice. You are responsible for your own happiness. You have a say as to whom (you) spend your time with.

      The beautiful thing about a door is it lets those who want in (in) and those who want out (out). No one is "stuck" with anyone! We are always where (we choose) to be. If someone is unhappy in a relationship and they choose to stay then (they) are (choosing) to be unhappy.

      It's your life. Take the wheel!

      You don't "deal with" abusive relationships; you abandon them.

      One man's opinion! :-)