- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
How to Find Your True Love
True love for who?
Finding your true love involves some work, luck, and great timing. At nearly 40 years old, I have found love more than once, and I count myself very lucky. I was very lucky, because I stumbled upon it.
Searching for, and waiting for love is different than falling into it. Knowing what you are looking for, and waiting for it, makes all the difference.
Finding your perfect match involves, time and introspection. Introspection, for those that have denied themselves the privilege, is when you take the time to think about yourself, rather than everyone else. Think about who you are. Think about what you need. Think about what you want. These are inward thoughts, so it is best to keep them honest and healthy.
Spending time alone and with friends should remind you of what it is you enjoy spending your time doing. Be the master of your own remote control for a while. Spend time listening to music too loud, when only the most distilled thoughts can work their way into your mind. The urge or need another person with you is like a craving for cookies...if you hold off and don't eat the cookies, it will pass.
Eventually you will notice that you enjoy your alone time more than you thought you could, but would like to share your newly discovered self with another person. This process does not transpire over a weekend. This is not a recipe for a life changing event in 72 hours. Introspection takes place during moments, but can span for months or years.
The Art and Benefits of Introspection
Outline the Person Perfect for You
Everything complicated (and what is more complicated than love?) takes planning, thought, and steps. So, get to work!
You have spent time thinking about your wants and needs. Let's try putting those thoughts into words. This can be an exercise in free creative writing at first. Grab yourself a piece of paper, and think of the generic traits he or she must have to compliment your life. These are not physical traits. Height doesn't make you laugh over the phone. Nature will take care of the physical issues later. Your task at hand is to soul search, and think of what the person you wake up next to acts like each day.
Organize your thoughts
You have thought about the different traits this significant other possesses. Now let's put those thoughts together. Write a letter to this person, whoever they are, telling them what you are looking for. This is a mental exercise, and is not supposed to be read by anyone. You can tell them what you liked about previous dates. You can tell them what you admire in a person. You can tell them your fears.
Every two or three weeks, read the letter you wrote (to nobody in particular) and think about how accurately it represents you at that point. Change things. Add things. Elaborate. Remove things. Underline things until there is a hole in the paper.
Personalize your process
Feel odd writing a letter? Write a help wanted ad, detailing what this person needs to qualify for your position. Write a grocery list of traits you want this person to possess. The format can be yours, unique, or entirely mental.
The benefit to writing things down is, it allows you to look at it later and laugh at what you wrote. It gives you something to look at when you meet somebody. The piece of paper will not forget traits you required because of how handsome or hot somebody is. The piece of paper will stare back at you, reminding you that at some point down the road, you're going to come to terms with the fact the person you're talking with lacks those properties. When that time comes, you'll pull out your trusty piece of paper, acknowledge you were correct about what you needed, and hastily took somebody that felt "close enough."
Will I always be single?
The idea of holding strong to needs and wants written down on a piece of paper can be daunting. Daunting because, we only get to meet so many people. How long will it take for a person to show up that holds all of the properties I require?
Your list should be realistic, and while comfort is a factor, not materialistic. You may have met the man of your dreams, or the woman you've written about for months, but passed them by. He wasn't driving a Benz, and she wasn't a EEE cup with a 24" waist. Be sure your list is separated by needs and wants. Example:
Needs: Wit, uncommon sense, appreciates small things, reasonably stable relationship with family, responsible, assertive, thoughtful, shy, stage in life, etc.
Wants: Height and fitness concerns. Habits, children or no children, pets or no pets, history of travel or not.
Be who you always wanted to be
Finding and maintaining a healthy relationship can be evasive and difficult, but nearly impossible without good communication tools. Spend some time reading books about communicating in a relationship, and communication in general.
Finding your true love can be great. Losing your true love can be an awful thing, when you realize what little you would have needed to make things better. Often times acknowledging a persons subtle conversational cues, addressing concerns before they become a concern, and just speaking with a greater emotional intelligence can make all the difference in the world.