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How to say NO to SEX

Updated on March 24, 2009

Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship

There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue.  Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy.  It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way.  Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it.  How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally.  I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!"  Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well.  That time.

However, it might not always end well.  There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time.  Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions.  The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off.  Don't let him tell you it's all about love.  Because it's not.  Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love.  Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed.  Sex is all about getting your end away.  It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no."  But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile.  (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here.  It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no."  All he has to do is keep his little dried floral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood.  Yeah, who said life was fair.)

So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:

  1. Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
  2. Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
  3. Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
  4. Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
  5. Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
  6. Pretend that they have such bad body odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
  7. Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
  8. Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
  9. Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
  10. Pour some water on the bed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
  11. Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
  12. Ask, "Is it in yet?"
  13. Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
  14. Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
  15. If all else fails, lie back and think of England.

Saying NO when you're on a date

Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed?  What can you do to avoid sex?

So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:

  1. When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
  2. When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
  3. Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
  4. "I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
  5. "Do you also have Herpes?"
  6.  "I always wanted to have a baby!"
  7. "I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
  8. "I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
  9. "Sorry, not that desperate."
  10. "I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
  11. "Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
  12. "You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
  13. "Is Herpes catchy?"
  14. "Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
  15. "Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
  16. "Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
  17. "My Dad is so protective.  He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
  18. Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member. 
  19. And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."

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    • Mrs Hozey profile image

      Mrs Hozey 8 years ago

      Oh my gosh, that was too funny. Do you know how many I've tried on that first list? When I pretend I'm asleep he thinks it's an open invitation or something. Guess I'll have to try the running to the bathroom pretending to puke thing. lol

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Well, if you're pretending to sleep and he tries to grab you from behind, just roll over accidentally in your sleep and squash his ding-a-ling

    • naliniram profile image

      naliniram 8 years ago from hong kong

      hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

    • profile image

      = ) 8 years ago from some place in this world

      yea that is so funny lol. i tried at least one of them. recently i just told him "your on punishment",lol

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      haha not sure if I want to guess which one you used!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

      Yeah well been there done that and had all the excuses. great funnny hub but oh so close to the bone (so to speak!)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah, a bit bone-chilling, eh?

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      i followed sixty here, i admit. now that that's out of the way here's my very intelligent and sensitive comment:

      Nobody says NO to me! Of course, it's just wishful thinking. Sex should always be consensual for maximum hmm result! :D

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah, guess I had better start stalking you then

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      Hahahahahahahahah they are absolutely hilarious. I love your straight to the point say it as it is approach using words and phrases as they ought to be said. You got me as a fan now yahoooooo.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Blondepoet, pleased I'm able to get you to laugh. I do believe that life is too short to be serious all the time and sometimes I guess my humor can be a little warped!

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      I love it as mine is warped too.You say the words that a lot of women here wish they could. It is nice to know I am not the only out there person lol. I love to laugh life is so damn short....

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Exactly, and you never know when you might get thrown that curved ball! Have a week's holiday coming up, so watch out for more entertaining hubs!

    • Feline Prophet profile image

      Feline Prophet 8 years ago from India

      Hahaha...such inventive excuses...have they really worked for you cindyvine? :P

    • Chi-Chi Chamois profile image

      Chi-Chi Chamois 8 years ago from A stinky flat with lead paint.

      Chi Chi is very confused...why would women say no? She spends all her time making men say yes even if it means knocking them out. Hmmm, wait, she gets it...

      "Is like ze joke, no?" Heehee hahahaha! :D

      (Seriously, funny hub!)

    • The Captain profile image

      The Captain 8 years ago from The Carribean

      The Captain enters brusquely and muscularly. The hackles on his neck tingled. Quickly he drew his saber and assumed a fighting position. There was evil about...here in this hub. He could sense it. He could feel it just as he could feel the diminishing bulge in his pants. How he longed to return to the sea, where men were men and women were figments of their imagination, bending to the man's will!

      The Captain backed out of the hub cautiously.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Cindyvine, seeing the Captain trying to remain unobtrusive in the background and ease out the door unnoticed, pulls on a hidden lever and the strong steel gate comes crashing down from the hidden place in the ceiling. The Captain's moustache quivers with fear as he spies Chi-Chi coming through a back door wearing only suspenders and a bra with spikes on the nipple area. In her hands she is brandishing a whip. "Come on Cindy," she purrs, "No Feline will save this man of the sea. We'll teach him a lesson or two for entering our hub with a bulge in his pants. If we ever want to do the down and dirty, it'll be on our terms. Cindy, get the cheese grater!"

    • The Captain profile image

      The Captain 8 years ago from The Carribean

      Speaking of figments of the imagination, Cindyvine has not captured the Captain but his double. The Captain flees back to the safety of his ship. hahahahahahahahahahahhahahah!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      but the Captain doesn't realise that Cindy got some of her fellow Amazonian women to sabotage his boat so that it'll leak and not be able to reach his ship

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      not sure a whole hub is needed here, "no" would seem to do the trick...

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      yeah, but a hub just with the word 'no' on it would be a bit boring, don't you think?

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      I suppose so (-:

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Sometimes, people don't understand the word 'no' so we have to get a little creative and try and get the message across. Sometimes, we aren't able to say the word'no' either. Hmmmm, maybe a hub about how to say 'no' to people in general? Londongirl, you've got me thinking.

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      I'm deaf.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      That's why we have to show you, CC. lol Maybe the ice cold water accidentally poured onto the swollen member might do the trick!

    • LondonGirl profile image

      LondonGirl 8 years ago from London

      Go for it - a useful hub, I think.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      lol a hub about pouring water on CC?

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      I heard that. LOL

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      oops, thought you said you were deaf!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      I lied. hahaha ooo I just love yer smile

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      lol, now you're trying to get into my good books so I won't use the ice water method lol Okay, I'll let you off the hook this time.

    • oscarmecp4 profile image

      oscarmecp4 8 years ago from South Africa

      No No No is a bad thing for human kind. LOL

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yes Oscarmecp4 lol. But if I shout out, "Yes, yes, yes," just what will CC think?

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      Haha does your bum get sore too. I think I may be getting a callous in one cheek.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      yeah, definitely suffer from sore bumalitis! lol

    • Lgali profile image

      Lgali 8 years ago

      LOL absolutely hilarious nice hub

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Lgali, glad you got a good laugh!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      cindy, were I not married and younger of course, I'd come and sweep you off of yer bum and you'd nevah deny Charlie. hahaha nevah! My wife says it rejuvenates her and she just wants more, on my even when she's tired haha . well used to, it's broke now :-(((

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Always the charmer, CC

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      hehehe woo-hoo!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hey I must get to bed, yet I'm following you on here hopping from hub to hub. You're plum tiring me out

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Oh? pay back my dea. it's those eyes and smile that gets tome that you have adorning such a pleasant face. oh my

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hey, down boy! I'll have to bring out that ice cold water again

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      HHaha, go to bed now. dream of me. LOL it will be sweet haha

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yep, thanks CC, Goodnight, it's quarter to midnight, almost pumpkin time for me

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      bye for now

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      catchya in my morning, CC, take care now

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 8 years ago from australia

      you little flirt C.C hahaha you are unstopable

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Hahaha. Isn't it true! I can't stop myself mah dear. hahaha wanna dance? lie on the beach? or just hunnyfuggle? yer choice my dear Db

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Cindyvine, I swear you should take your humor to the stage. You are tooooo funny, woman! Of all the great lines in this hub, my absolute favorite is this phrase: "his pointed keeness disappeared," Pointed keenness -- LOL. I will have to remember that!

      BP -- I know, hunh! She is right up there in the flirtatious dept. with you, AEvans and Chi Chi:-). I feel like the den mother with a bunch of randy hubbers surrounding me! MM

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      lol MM, yeah, disappearing pointed keeness equates with hydraulic failure

      Hey CC and BP, stop flirting on my hub!

    • sixtyorso profile image

      sixtyorso 8 years ago from South Africa

      My time zones mean i start off my day as everyone else ends theirs so I dont even try to play catch up any more! and I am an early riser!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hi Sixty, my time zones are way different as I am 6 or 7 hours ahead of you!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      I love you too

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      G'day CC, how are you today? I just got back from the doc and dinner out. Bloody blood pressure is sky high

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      stay out of salty ocean. haha hey I'm great, gettin hungry. my bld pressure is way low, always, WEe One's is hi too. good to see your wonderful smile

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hey CC, mine is always on the low range of normal, so much so I can't have morphine. Today it was 168/100. Last week it was 153/103!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      You need to work on that my dear. Mine is like 100/80. No morhine, hmmm, here it's no, well, i won't say it. hehe

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Mine is usually 110/80

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      not bad, i need breakfast, join me? haha tea, or me? woo-hoo

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      haha, need to pee and a coffee, just waiting for my pics to finishing uploading on my new hub

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Ooooh, can't wait. I need to pee a lot, haah, my lasix does that. I hate it.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      God, we are two old crocks, eh? What are us geriatric old farts doing on a hub about saying no to sex? Jeez, that is so bizarre!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Hahaha, it is isn't it. LOL I have to go now, parting is such sweet, yeah yeah. see ya later China doll.

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      All I can say is you're making my day. Your hubs have had me in stitches for the past hour :)

      Always nice to start the day off with a chuckle and a smile :)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Trish, it's always great to get feedback when someone enjoys my hubs! I do also write some serious stuff on more serious issues, but I guess generally I do have a more light-hearted take on the world!

    • trish1048 profile image

      trish1048 8 years ago

      I agree!  I love getting feedback as well as giving it.  Nothing irritates me more than the hubbers who never respond to your comments.  I am not trying to offend anyone by saying that, but it's just my feeling that when someone takes the time to read and even appreciate what you've written, it would just be simple courtesy to respond in kind and just say thanks!  I'm certainly not expecting paragraphs lol, although I do love those too.

      I think my hubs are a mix, but mostly serious.  I need to lighten up :)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      I enjoyed that hub of yours I read, Trish

    • Princessa profile image

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      Oh you can be wicked cindyvine LOL, poor darlings :-)

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hehehe (nasty laugh!)

    • Princessa profile image

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      OMG I hope that does not belong to one of those unsuspecting "darlings" that you rejected ! That would be the ultimate "I said NO"

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      ROFL, no it's a home-made sausage. I've just been making 10kg of sausages and my sausage machine hs just packed up. What can you expect if it's made in China!

    • Princessa profile image

      Wendy Iturrizaga 8 years ago from France

      mmm... I thought it was a bit too large to be true :)

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      ahahahah. I found this very funny. thanks for the tips.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      hahaha, one that large I'd never chop off!

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      ROFLAMO @sheena hahaha that would kill you dear

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Hey CC! Sheena, you're welcome to try out the tips and give feedback lol

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Well, I'm almost ready to put my meat in.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Oh, we ate already, almost time for bed, but my back is aching from those 10kg of sausage I made......need a massage

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Who's talkin of cooking and eating. Yeah, I going to massage mine too here in a bit with olive oil and black pepper, salt and, uh well other goodies. haha

      I would massage yours if you were here, alas, you'll have to get a local for that.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Anyway, must just catch up with my blog and off to bed. have a great rest of Easter Sunday, CC.

    • sheenarobins profile image

      sheenarobins 8 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      OMG! I'm too small for that size. Goodness, gracious great big sausage. LOL

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      Goodnite cindy.

      Sheena that' why I said that. haha

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah, call me the sausage queen lol

    • DRG Da Real Grinc profile image

      Felix J Hernandez 8 years ago from All over the USA

      Funny and true, I agree with these notions

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 8 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks DRC!

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