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How to spice Up a dead Sex life With Your Wife

Updated on March 18, 2011

Reconnecting With Your Wife Sexually

The relationship between you and your wife isn't what you would like it to be. If your love life has lost its spark, it is might be really easy to say that your partner isn't loving. But that might not be the case. More often a lackluster love life is a symptom of an unhappy relationship. It doesn’t mean the relationship is over, but it does mean there are problems.

The first thing you should do is observe your partner. Notice what they are doing. If your wife is doing the lion’s share of the housework, help out at home. Many women have stated they are most interested when their husband cleans the house. The reason is two-fold. It makes women feel appreciated; that they are more than a maid. It also makes them less tired at the end of the day. However, you cannot think of it as I’ve done this for you, now put out. It’s an investment—relationship building.

Women also appreciate it when men help out with the children. Women need to have time to be themselves. To talk to other adults. To go to the bathroom alone. To eat a meal that is at the temperature it is supposed to be at. When your children are especially young, women need a break from all the touching. The last thing a woman wants is to be touched, if she hasn’t had a break from touching all day. Most women will say that nothing is sexier than a man who takes an active role in caring for his children.

There is still more actions needed to bring back intimacy. Listen to your wife. Really listen. What is it that is on her mind? Does she miss working? Did she miss out on a promotion? Would she rather be a stay at home mom? Has she been wanting to take up a new hobby? Whatever is going on in her mind, she needs to know that you care. She doesn’t need to be told that she is loved (although that can’t hurt); she needs to feel your love.

Next, take action to make your wife feel sexy. Compliment her. Tell her she is beautiful. Don’t just say it to say it, but mean it. If she just got a new haircut and you hate it, don’t tell her you hate it, but don’t tell her you love it either. Find something genuine. Tell her you love the way her eyes sparkle. Compliment her laugh or smile. Tell her you enjoy her cooking. Simply say thank you for being there.


Touch your wife. Do not be sexual in touching her, but sweet and caring. Put your hand on her back. Hold her hand while watching TV. Hug her goodbye. Quit trying to put the moves on her. After a few days, kiss your wife passionately without trying to go beyond kissing. What makes teenagers and those who start dating so hot for each other is that no one expects to have sex in the beginning. By taking things slow, you heat up your sex life and reignite the passion.

Do not expect anything to happen overnight. This is a slow process. One that will pay off in droves if you have the patience. The more you think of her, the more she will think of you.


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      Ricardo 3 years ago

      I guess finding useful, reliable inoiomatfrn on the internet isn't hopeless after all.

    • profile image

      Egduteau 5 years ago

      I am desperate to spice up mine and my husbands sex life but he can't think of a way to do it without threesomes and he's always making me suspicious, what can I do?

    • profile image

      michiganwisconsin 6 years ago

      I am sorry to hear that. Sounds like a Chem. Imbalance or hormone problems. Is there any mental problems in her family sounds almost like having kids changed her personality I have heard of this before from couples hardest part is getting her to help her self just like an alcoholic the world is fine to them but they are hurting everyone around them not even see it. If she doesn't get help I hate to say this make plans for being on your own with out here maybe a trial split to maybe wake her up and give you a break. If the break feels good and she sees nothing wrong being apart then end it. And move on and find someone who will love you back and you feel in love with not a rug to walk and stomp on when your mad.

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      sexless in michigan. 6 years ago

      I am a stay at home dad. I do all the careing for the 2 girls and what not. My sex life is well let me put it this way I got a box of trojans last spring 6 pack I still have 5 one was a waist . My wife thinks its fine to come home be on Facebook for hours come to bed and sleep get up go to work and repeat with not even a thought of sex. I was raised you wait until your married then have sex and kids well the first 6 months I would say was good happy sex life normal then she had our first sex whent from every other night to once a month. Then once a season to well I don't Remember. Then my grandfather died. So she had number 2. From that night. And after she was born dead fish she even gets angry at me when I mention you want to you know and I get some remark that is belittling. She even screams at the kids and me over the smallest things and says we are the ones with the problem if you don't like it go get a job even tho moving to Michigan was her idea and being a stay at home dad was her idea as well. I thought of finding a girl friend but that would just be to hard. On the marrige and religiously. Even tho you here of men having other wives in the bible. She refuses to go to the doctor and tells me we had our kids we don't need sex anymore. I feel like is there something I missed some where. Any advice would greatly be thank full. She is a nurse on top of it she she is always using here medical knowledge to justify her actions.

    • ajayshah2005 profile image

      ajayshah2005 6 years ago from Mid Asia

      Yeah really great hub!Very useful tips for the long relationship when love starts becoming a routine.Voted up.

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      Elizabeth333 6 years ago

      Ok. I'm the wife part of this equasion. He does most of the stuff at home, laundr, dishes, cooking....yeah I',m REALLY spoiled, and I know it. There are LOTS of reasons he has taken these chores on-medical ones on my part. He works part time although he was full time until a week or so ago, center manager kept asking him to do more than they agreed on, when he went part time.(although he just put in his 2 week notice) and goes to school, full time. Our kids are all but outta their teens. I generally run the household. I keep track of appts, and will soon take over the bills. OK. That's my situation.

      We went 18 months. 1) it hurts (me) 2)I NEED the "I love yous" and the slide the hand across my back as you walk by. Take a shower with me. Deep kisses. Email me and tell me you love me. Call just to say "I'm thinking of you." Stupid little things like that. I tell him he has a really cute butt, all the time. I pinch it, bite it, tell him he can't wear any pants, shorts whatever, just so I can look at his amazing butt. That has not changed since we met. (We just had our 26th wedding anniversary)Every chance possibleIs it too much to ask for the same thing?

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      Ben 6 years ago

      I was in a relationship that I had to leave for these exact reasons. Any discussion with her about sex just always lead to uncomfortable 'i dunnos', 'whys', etc from her. She was a dead fish in bed, completely silent, never initiated, the complete works pretty much. I don't know who she would be sexually compatible with, but you need to have some level of sexual compatibility and both partners need to be engaged at the same level otherwise it just doesn't work no matter how hard you try or how much you want it to work! If she doesn't have the raw material to work with, nothing the other person tries will work. Some women are sexual, while others are not, simple as that.

      You can rationale all the BS about how women have a hard time expressing their feelings etc, but women that show both major repression of true feelings, and TOO MUCH EASY RESTRAINT from sex, in my book gives big big red flags.

      It is so painful to go through a relationship with a woman that lacks passion.

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      BOOKOO 6 years ago


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      stuck 7 years ago

      my wife was indeed molested as a child. a couple of her exes didn't even help her out. I am a military reservist, I get a lot of benefits including counseling. I have tried to get her in their. But she refuses. I am already going to them for other issues after coming back from a couple war zones. I know I am not all their anymore. But I still help out with the kids. I still do a lot of the household chores, work full time, and go to school. She misses work I know. But we cant afford to have her work because her paychecks would go straight to the child care expenses. Yet I am lucky if I get sex 1 time a month. I have even asked her if there is anything she wanted to try or do to help her out. To no avail. So I have bought a couple sex toys for me so I am not taking my desires outside of the house.

    • profile image

      Young and Sexless 7 years ago

      Ya, I'm going to have to agree with sexless. When we were dating, we used to be affectionate all the time--certainly did things that crossed the lines of kissing, anyway.

      We decided to wait for marriage to have sex. I'm exhausted after trying everything. Romance, dishes, chores--you name it. 3 years married--I'm 26 and we actually let condoms expire. I've proposed couples counseling, bad idea...

    • profile image

      sexlessalso 8 years ago

      Ah, but after years of patient compliments, domestic support and personal compliments my wife is not interested in intimate physical activity. She always has an excuse. I even purchased a noted book to revitalize our sexual relations after we talked about it and agreed to read it so we could discuss our relationship. She said she 'read parts' before putting it in a bottom drawer. She says we can 'talk about it some other time.'

      The shocker on this is that the first two decades of our marriage we both greatly enjoyed lively--even adventurous--sex. Now the memories of that can be haunting as well as depressing for me as a reminder of what we do not have now. I am frustrated that no matter how patient and complimentary I am she does not believe we have a sex life. And she is right--because she does not respond.

      The upshot of this comment is that sometimes--perhaps more often than we'd like to admit--the husband may do a lot of 'right things with a right attitude' and receive no reciprocal response other than virtual icewater over a cold shoulder. So this and other hubs on this topic must refrain from making it sound like "If the male just does this, that and the other... then everything will be alright and she will respond."

      The wife has responsibilities to her husband also. Let's avoid implying this effort should be one sided.

    • LelahKimball profile image

      LelahKimball 8 years ago from USA

      Some women take time, not just days, but maybe months. And women are sensative to how sincere they feel the gestures are. If your intent is still bed, she'll notice. Or maybe you just haven't hit the right gesture. Love language is everything.

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      Axis010 8 years ago

      So what do you do when you have done all this and still nothing? How do get your wife to show more loving affection towards you? We have a great relationship except for this aspect. She doesn't give out hugs, kisses, non-sexual touches, or sexual touches AT ALL! I do all these things. Daily expressions of my love, daily reminders of how beautiful she is. Its like sex doesn't matter at all. What do you do about this?

    • profile image

      dp 8 years ago

      Why does everything that being with one person all the time is stimulaing. If anything it is boring, especially since diversity is the spice of life. If people where just wake up and realize that it is ok to have some adult fun sometime with other couples, then there would be more happy couples.

      Besides, once a women has kids or hits the wall, what good is she anyway?

    • profile image

      wanting more 8 years ago

      All the answers you find in the books and on the internet are all the same--do this, do that, help out more, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, give you wife time alone etc . . .. None of it works if your wife won't stop thinking about work all of the time. I listen to her all the time go on and on about her work. We can be in bed holding, cuddling and having some awesome foreplay and out of the blue she will bring up work. I get sick of it. I would do anything in the world that she would like me to to provide her personal pleasure--sexual or not. I can share things that would give me pleasure, and she is not willing to do any of it. All the advice you find pretty much says to do things for you wife and she will become sexual with you. None of it ever says that the wife ever has to do anything for the husband. Doing all the things you suggest just pretty much comes with being a good husband, but does absolutely nothing for the sex life. We always have to provide all of this nurturing and romantic stuff for the woman, but sometimes the man needs to be accepted and satisfied sexually to provide these things to his wife. A man feels loved and needed when he feels like his wife wants him sexually and is willing to spend time having a quality sexual relationship.

      I have concluded that women don't need sex, they just need someone to listen to them and tell them good night, but don't touch them cause they really are not interested in sex.

    • Anath profile image

      Anath 8 years ago

      More than a man who helps around the house, what turns me on is a man who makes me feel like a Sex Goddess. A woman that feels sexy and believes that she is a sex bomb acts like one for her own pleasure and the pleasure of her partner.

    • profile image

      agreewithsexless 8 years ago

      I agree with Sexless, life is a two way street. I, like Sexless am tired of bending over backwards to make my wife happy and satisfied. In my opinion it also comes down do how we take care of ourselves as well. When my wife and I were dating she was extremely attractive and took care of her self, now, after the "wedding cake disease" set in, she no longer takes care of herself and actually looks like hell. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it. My wife is so prude that I am surprised we don't sleep in other beds. But yet you say make sure she is taken care of, do things for her, clean the house etc etc.. Trust me, I have done it all and still lie in bed at night dreaming of when it will all end. If she doesn't do it at home, I will find someone else who will.

    • Lgali profile image

      Lgali 8 years ago

      Great hub, Lelah! You hit some really great points. sharing chores of house is best recipe

    • profile image

      C. C. Riter 8 years ago

      A subject dear to this uh, man's heart. I have never had a prudish woman, knew of some and just left them cold. hehe My wife and I are not err, doing it anymore, but we have real love and affection. Holding hands, hugs, kisses that are what older couples give and i pinch her butt or fondle a boob often, and pat the other good nite. Alas, I wish for more, but the time comes when that passes and love has matured. I do most of the domestic stuff as she works and i can't. I listen, one must do that with any woman for life to be bearable, I care and I tell her sweet things in her ear, but it tickles her. haha Sex was just great when we had it, but we are fine now without it. I love her

      Great advice and great hub thanks now

    • Laughing Mom profile image

      Laughing Mom 8 years ago

      I think you wrote a great hub, Lelah! You hit some really great points.

      Marriage is something we have to work at. When the teenage hormone stuff settles down, real life hits and we have to adapt. Communication is the key, I think. We can't just tuck our tails and pout that our husbands don't always instinctively know what we want and what we need.

      You did good, Lelah!

    • LelahKimball profile image

      LelahKimball 8 years ago from USA

      Sexless--I'm sorry for your experience. However, as the author, I'd like to point out that I am not saying it is ANYONE's fault. When a couple doesn't match sexually, it is never a good thing. Rather than blame your wife, perhaps you should seek couple's therapy. There could be some underlying issues. Maybe your wife was raped in the past or molested as a child and can't get past the memories. Or maybe your wife doesn't enjoy the same things in bed as you do. Or she just isn't comfortable for some reason. Therapy can help you get to bigger, deeper underlying issues if it isn't just the case of a rut--which is what the article focuses on.

      Or maybe, you aren't speaking your wife's love language--which was the bigger part of my article. Romance doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. Not every woman likes flowers; I don't. As a matter of fact, I get irritated when I am given flowers or plants. It just means I have to take care of them and I'd like less work in my life, not more. I bake. When I was having a hard time finding a particular kitchen tool, my husband went out of his way to find someone who could special order it and then gave it to me (and not for any occasion, just because). That was the most romantic, thoughtful thing he had ever done for me.

      I also don't necessarily enjoy the "big night out" because it is so much work to get there, I'm exhausted by the time it starts and then have to worry about getting back in time for the sitter. I like nights "in" where I get to relax while my husband puts the kids to bed and then it is just the two of us.

      Every person and every relationship is different. There is no one size fits all, but this does address the majority of issues in most marriages experiencing a rut.

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      Sexless 8 years ago

      Nice how people always want to put the whole thing on the man. Maybe this is the actualy problem -- the real reason so many people seem to be so dissatisfied with their sex life. People give all the work to the man and permit the wife all the excuses.

      My wife was prude from day one, and she has no intention of changing that. I used to think that she would eventually become comfortable with the whole sex thing. So in the meantime I just applied myself to doing all the "right" things to give her a happy marriage. Eventually, I figured my time would come as well.

      Wrong. After years of this I would literally find myself getting angry when I was out buying flowers, a card, or planning a special date. Angry because I was so sexually deprived and realizing that life was not going to change.

      So women, time to loose the attitude of "if my husband does this or that or the other I might consider his needs". News flash -- it is a two way street. Just like you are more willing to sexually satisfy your husband when he is taking care of your needs -- your husband is more willing to take care of your needs if you are sexually satisfying him.

      Think my wife still gets all of the romantic attention I lavished on her the first 5 years of our marriage? Nope. Not because I'm selfish, but because I simply can not do it anymore.

      Think my wife would get tons of romance, loving, non-sexual touching, and all the other stuff if I wasn't walking around horney out of my mind all the time? Oh yes, you bet she would!