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How to tell a close friend you're in love with them

Updated on October 24, 2007

Before you say "I am in love with you . . . "

This is a subject close to my heart; pun intended. I have had to distance myself from several really special relationships over the years because the other person wanted to add a romantic/sexual element. I still miss some of these friendships terribly. There was no way the other person could/would allow us to go back to being friends once they let their true feelings be known; it changed everything. Permanently.

Don't get me wrong; I am a lover of love!! I have many friends and we tell each other we love each other all the time. Those words are followed by years of being there during the good, the bad and the ugly times. Friendship is a wonderful and necessary foundation for a solid romance. My former husband and I were best friends before, during and after our marriage!!

A long-term really close friendship does not usually turn into romance overnight, or by the uttering of "I love you." Love is less a feeling and more a process. Both parties generally begin to feel "something more" for the other and begin to flirt, make up reasons for calling, emailing, texting more often, insert encouraging comments into benign conversations, giving thoughtful gifts, etc. If none of these positive clues have been taking place, I would start there before any declarations.

Also, before telling a really close friend that I was in love with them I would take an honest inventory of myself and my motivations. Am I feeling lonely? Do I have needs that are not being met? Is their proximity in my life convenient? Is it that time in my life to couple? Am I frightened at the way the world is going? Is there a financial element?? Am I willing to risk losing the person altogether if the feelings are not mutual??

I would also consider how my really close friend might feel. Might my close friend be mad/disappointed/surprised at this shift in boundaries?? Do I genuinely believe/think/feel that my close friend wants me to say the three words that will change our relationship forever? If so, I would go for it; if I had any doubt, I would test the waters first.

"Feelings" are the result of "thoughts." I would surely take an inventory of my own thoughts to see if I am in love with someone because of the amazing qualities they possess, because of the way I feel when I am with them, or are there some nagging needs of my own that are not being met and I have told myself the other person can fill them.

Okay, this question was posted a few days ago. As the eternal optimist and hopeless romantic (in spite of my words above), I would love to hear you uttered those magical words and the other person was elated!!

Blessings, Earth Angel

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    Destiny Waddy 3 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel

    This really helped me because bisexual and my friend is a girl so I did it and know we go out.*I knew her for a year*

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    bobbybouche 4 years ago

    Hello Earth Angel,

    Im writing to you, to see how you see things in my position. Im in my mid thirties, and have known my friend for over 20 years. We grew up in the same circle of friends. Back in the days in our late teens to early 20's, we have partied many times, and one time as we drinking, for some reason, she was whispering to her friends and I can tell their conversation was directed towards me. A few minutes later, she started to give me an erotic lap dance for no reason. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it! I could of taken advantage of the situation but didn't, as I was in a relationship and respected her more than that. In the end, I didn't think anymore or less of the lap dance. It did not make me feel weird of awkward towards her, and we never spoke on it until earlier this year, where she stated she was just going through her rebellious stage. Fast-forward 12 years later, I went through a divorce and as well, she broke up with her fiancé. I got divorced about 4 years ago and have had my fair share of flings, but just doesn't do it for me. These past 2 years we talk, text a lot, and we see each other at friend functions like BBQ's, Birthday parties, and such. I haven't thought anything than more or less about her other than a good friend. My Friend J, had a secret conversation at one our BBQ's last January, that I wasn't aware of. He was alluding to the fact about her and I. He noted that we have been friends for a long time, we both have a kid from our previous relationships, and noted many of our commonalities. She entertained the fact, and stated it would be a beautiful thing, but stated one person might feel weird and awkward. She also mentioned, if I pursued her, she wouldn’t stop anything. A few weeks past from the BBQ and then my friend tells me the convo her and my friend J had. My reaction, I just see her like that and as well, that idea of her and me in a romantic relationship never popped in my mind. Well my friend J did plant a seed in my head, and as I couldn’t see her as anything more than a friend, this past Valentine's Day 2012, I sent her cupcakes as a kind gesture, and as well, to try to get out of the friends zone, if I wanted to pursue her. I still saw her only as a friend, but we still talked and saw each other at friend functions. This past September, we were at a friends BBQ, and for some reason her smile got me, and something clicked in my head, “I like this girl!” So my feelings got stronger for her, even though we talked and texted constantly throughout the day. One time, I counted our texts in one day, and it reached over 150. There are times where we will text and either one of us will fall asleep. So this past December it was a boxing fight, and I prepared myself for this mentally and I asked her on a date. She told me maybe because it was a lil weird and awkward since we grew up with each other. I even went to her brothers, which are my friends as well, as asked for their blessings if I can take their sister on a date. They had no problem with giving their blessings. She told me she respects that I went to her brothers, and more importantly, respects that I put out my feelings towards her knowing it would cause weirdness and awkwardness. I did send her an Xmas gift and thanked me. I texted her Happy New Years and haven’t received a response. I waited until last Thursday and texted her “hi”. I still haven’t received a text from her yet. My friends are telling me, I dropped a big bomb on her and its gonna take awhile for her to process those feelings, and told me to not wait for her, but just go along with life, and she’ll get back to you with her decision. They told me to be patient. Not hearing from her kills me, and don’t know if she is mad at me? Maybe she is ignoring me and hoping I get the idea? But she is a confrontational person and will tell you how she feels. So I keep going back and forth with these emotions….WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS, EARTH ANGEL?

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    HotPink123 5 years ago

    I have feelings for one of my closest friends, the thing is where the same sex & I'm afraid if I told her that I like our friendship wouldn't be the same. We see each other everyday at school so that's so harder for me. The feelings developed little by little but recently they've gotten stronger. I think I got feelings for her because were both always flirting with each other as in a playful way. Like we "got married" last year as in a joke so we were a "couple" but we were just joking. I have never had feelings for someone the same sex & especially someone that's so close to me. We have flirty conversations a lot & we talk a lot to so that probably led me on to, but I think she was just joking. I just don't have the guts to tell her, I'm so scared shes gonna see me differently & I don't want to loose her as a friend. Maybe if I start talking to someone else the feelings could go away or should I try to find out what she thinks of me that way. We always get along, were always laughing when were together & we have never disagree on things or get in fights since we've been friends which was about last year. I love her personality, idk if the feelings could of possibly gotten stronger because this past summer I barely saw her, so I missed her even more. I'm just confused. I haven't told ANYONE that I have feelings for her not even my best friend & its not because I'm embarrassed to tell someone I just don't know why I can't. At first I couldn't even admit that I had feelings for her. Please help me.

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    rosemarina 5 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    I don't know whether this hub is still live and whether you will see this comment, but I wanted to share my story and say thank you for all your words of wisdom about the nature of love that I have read on this hub over the past year while I have struggled with my feelings.

    My situation is that I am in love with a close male friend, let's call him B. We are both married and socialise in the same small group. I have known him and his wife for nearly 7 years, and while having always found him attractive, funny and charming, for the past 2 years I have developed much stronger feelings for him, as a result of which I have been seeing a counsellor for getting on for a year. The counsellor, together with your writing and other sources I have found on the web and in books has made me see that my infatuation with B is more to do with myself and my own emotional situation than with him.

    I know from things B has said and the fact that we meet up (at his instigation) on a weekly basis to chat, that he also has some feelings for me. However, I know that he will never leave his wife and children nor would I want to destroy their happiness or that of my own family by having an affair with him (he has never suggested this).

    My reason for writing this is that I have done a lot of work on myself and on improving my relationship with my husband of 25 years, but I still cannot get past my love for B. He to all outward purposes seems happy continuing our close friendship but while I want nothing more than to spend time with him, I don't know how to carry on being a close friend while having to deal with my inappropriate feelings for him. Sometimes I think I can, but at other times the urge to tell him how I really feel (which I know would be wrong) is almost overwhelming.

    I would really welcome your thoughts on this.

    With thanks and good wishes, Rose Marina

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    CB824 5 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    I couldn't have asked for more thoughtful advice. I found it very moving to read a reply that made it feel as though I was completely understood. Thank you for this and for the time and thought you've put into this.

    My friend and I have been in contact since this post. Things are a bit distant but I know she cares very much for me and wants us both to move past this. I have had such mixed feelings about everything, namely the awkwardness, but your post brought so much perspective. What particularly struck me is your advice to "be a true friend" as well as "true to myself." These are not contrary to each other and for some reason perhaps I have set them up to be in my head.

    At first, when I told her, I expected the worst and was prepared for it because of the number of years that have passed. Now that I know how she feels, I feel like I am better equipped to let go. With time and distance, I also feel ready and prepared to be a true friend or at least give it my best shot.

    In assessing this situation, I feel one thing I need to be more appreciative of is how our friendship is something special. I know for the most part, aside from all this, we both bring positive energy into each other's lives. She is a very genuine and caring friend. You are right in saying that my first choice would be to find that balance between being a true friend and being true to myself. I think this will ultimately lead to the greatest and truest happiness for us both.

    I am ready to let go and to meet others who I can have a more reciprocal relationship with and I will be sure to keep in mind your advice regarding this. I hope I can do this without jeopardizing our relationship any further and am confident that I will be able to.

    Finally, I want you to know that I especially found your post moving because your advice is in line with my own value system. You have provided insight that I have had so much trouble accessing myself. Thank you sincerely for your guidance and your thoughtful perspective. I am very grateful.

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    Earth Angel 5 years ago

    Dearest CB824,

    My sincere apologies for missing your post. Thank you for contacting me through other channels so that we may connect.

    My heart aches when two good and loving souls seem to be on different pages.

    You wrote that your feelings began about ten years ago and that it was the first time you felt so strongly about someone of the same sex. Over the last decade have you been attracted to anyone else of the same sex?? Has she??

    I think it would be very difficult to let go of a first love, especially one that revealed parts of ourselves to ourselves we didn't know existed. A relationship that means the world to us because of its significance in revelation may only be one of many to the other.

    The friendship between you both has great value, I would urge you not to discount it ~ or to jeopardize it. There is no "unringing" a bell. Make sure when you say/share something you are sure you are ready for the consequences ~ no matter what they may be.

    You've made your feelings known and unfortunately she does not feel the same kind of love toward your relationship at this time. That does not mean she does not love you dearly ~ It just means not in the same way.

    Same sex romantic relationships face the same issues as all relationships; is this person right for me? Am I trying to hide something from myself or others? Can I fully be myself with this other person? Do we share the same values in life? Are we on the same page on most issues?? Is it this "person" that has my affections or what I think this person represents that I am in love with?

    Many of the questions/comments I receive are from those looking for definitive answers ~ where there are none. Most of the time, if a romantic relationship is even a slight possibility, the person really wants to make it happen. But there are no guarantees and most people don't want to lose the friendship.

    You've been friends for ten years. Chances all you will be friends but not lovers.

    I think you answered your own question in your last paragraph. If you can remain a true friend while still being open to finding true love, that would be the first choice. If you are kind of using the hopes of a romantic relationship for safety ~ you'll need to step away.

    Just know that no one will measure up to your dear friend in the beginning. That's because you have ten years of history with one person and maybe ten minutes or ten days with another.

    Don't worry too much about the reciprocation of feelings thing ~ Just be your genuine, authentic, loving self in all situations. Your beam of light will attract the same.

    Please let me know what you think/feel/intuit?

    I send you blessings of love, light and clarity,

    Earth Angel

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    Earth Angel 5 years ago

    Blessings to you M,

    I always appreciate people contacting me with concerns and questions. It's hard to give advice when there are so many missing pieces yet I do my best to share insights with those who are searching with a sincere and open heart.

    Three years ago in college you were sophomores; does that mean you have all graduated?? Are you able to work in your chosen fields?? Are any of you going on to graduate school?? The reason I ask is that would make you all about your early to mid-twenties ~ and many of the things you have written sound a bit younger??

    It sounds to me like the two of you share a good, fun and mutual friendship. Filling a void is not a good motivation for having a romance. If romance was in the cards for the two of you it probably would have already surfaced.

    Your worlds also sound a bit different. Cheerleading is highly disciplined, athletic and extroverted. And expensive. Her grandmother left her a house. Hanging with friends, teasing, texting, drinking, harsh language, rooming, etc. might be stellar for a friendship but it might not be as enticing in a potential romance.

    I think that may be were many relationships get off track. One person thinks the fun friendship is a good basis to move forward while the other thinks in terms of the future, potential, responsibility, maturity, financial stability and eventually marriage, etc.

    I'm reminded of an old saying that goes something like, "There is the 'have a good time' kind ~ and then there is the 'marrying' kind." One was great fun, the other you'd be proud to take home and introduce to your parents. The idea is for all of us to possess a bit of both. Ask yourself which one you have presented yourself as??

    I think you need to honor and respect the friendship you have with each other. And you should stop contacting her when you've had a few too many ~ it clouds one's judgment.

    Please keep me posted.

    Blessings Always, Earth Angel

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    CB824 5 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    Thanks for this insight. I had been in love with my best friend for nearly a decade. I never said anything because it all started when I was in college and I didn't really understand my feelings. I also didn't say anything because I am also a girl - it was the first time I had ever felt so strongly for someone and also the first time I ever realized that I could be attracted to someone of the same gender. I knew she would never reciprocate, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I suspect she had an idea of how I felt because of how close we are, even though I tried not to show it. It took ten years for me to realize though that not saying anything and not confronting the issue was taking a toll on me and our friendship.

    I thought I'd get over it and would always tell myself that there is no way she felt the same way. I also didn't want to say anything because I was much more emotionally attached to her than physically - the extent of my physical desires were just to manifest how I felt emotionally. But year after year, I increasingly wanted to express my feelings I had because they were so real. Recently though, she began seeing somoene, and although they were not exclusive, I realized that I was being delusional and that my uncommunicated feelings were becoming somewhat annoying to her too. It became clear that since she began seeing this other person, she didn't like how close I felt to her. Perhaps this is something she's always felt, but it recently became much more apparent to me. My sensitivity to her reactions to my affection made me also realize that my feelings for her had not subsided.

    After thinking about it for several months, I finally worked up the courage to tell her that I needed to stop being in contact for a while. I didn't want her to feel like she was at fault in anyway, so I told her the truth about why I needed some space. She didn't seem too surprised, and said she understood but that she still wanted to be friends. She said that she needed some time and that she knew I would too but that she hoped we could continue our friendship.

    It's been five months and I miss her very much. The thing is that I want to be friends, but I want to make sure that I am in the right frame of mind and that my stronger feelings go away so I don't jeopardize our friendship any further. I feel so guilty that I developed these feelings though I'm not entirely sure why, and I also feel as though I've let her down. At the same time, I feel like I needed to tell her for myself as well.

    My difficulty is that I don't know how to still be friends and if we should? What level of feelings are appropriate for a close friendship like ours (not just in the romantic sense but in how much I care and think about her too). I want to be there for her but I dont want to make things weird or make her uncomfortable.

    Another reason I decided to tell her is because I think subconsciously I used my feelings for her as an excuse not to put myself out there. I would always try and meet people, but I have yet to feel as strongly about anyone else as I do about her. My fear is that in resuming our friendship, I am inadvertently closing myself off emotionally to others.

    What would you suggest someone in my position do? I don't want to lose a decade long friendship with someone who I genuinely love (in every sense of the word), but in keeping my friendship, I also want to be sure to give myself a fair chance of finding someone who can reciprocate my feelings. How do I do this? Thank you in advance for your insight!

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    Earth Angel 5 years ago

    Dearest Jimbo2010, Our versions and expectations of LOVE can be so exhausting and so cumbersome . . . I am sorry that this wonderful and long lasting friendship has not blossomed into something more over the years . . .

    Some people find distance daunting and would never consider having a relationship with someone as far as the next town . . . As for me, I have never thought being on the other side of world would inhibit love to flourish . . .

    I too, have been blessed with many dear friend relationships that have lasted decades . . . I cherish each and every one . . . Yet not a one of them is romantic in any way in my mind/heart . . . I would be heart-sick if any of them had to be limited because one of them started to get romantic inclinations . . . I pray none of them ever do . . .

    My first advice always is to take a rigerous inventory of why your feelings are sufacing now . . . Why not ten years ago?? Why not ten years from now??

    More than likely there is something going on in your life, a hollow place of some sort, that is causing these feelings to arise . . . That have nothing to do with your beloved . . .

    Ask yourself honestly: If my life felt completely whole at this time, I would I still feel the same way?

    If the answer is no (and it is no almost 99% of the time) then really give yourself some credit and some time for personal reflection and introspection . . .

    If you do feel your life is rich and full and complete and in balance than consider the follow . . .

    If the direct approach with your beloved seems a bit too forward, and risky, there is nothing wrong with trying something that gives you both room to back up a bit . . .

    Letting the other person know she appreared in a dream where you were a couple is always a safe way to open a sensitive dialog . . . Talking about having kids (or more kids) or not having kids is also usually safe . . . Both your answers may be quite telling to the other . . . Talking about long-distance relationships could give you clues as to her mind-heart-set . . .

    Most of the time my advice is don't risk losing the friendship . . . "You cannot unring a bell . . ."

    Please keep me posted as this lovely connection unfolds . . . Either friendship or romance, you are fortunate to have each other . . .

    Blessings of insight always . . . Earth Angel . . .

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    huntikonmove 5 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    Thanks for your quick response and Happy new Year to you too. I don't understand what you are suggesting. I am in this dilemma where I can't see anything clearly. 'Y' is still a good friend, but I don't have those feelings for her anymore. And 'X' is someone whose friendship is too important to risk. The thing is, I don't know whether 'X' considers me a just a good friend or she considers me something more. If it's the latter, I am willing to take the risk but can't do it unless I am sure of what she feels. I might be just a friend for her and may be she is the same towards all her male friends, I don't know. And this is why I am confused.

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    jimbo2010 5 years ago

    I have a friend of the opposite sex I have known for 20 years (I am 42). I have always found her attractive but apart from 2 years we have never lived in the same city and in those 2 years she was going out with a friend for most of the time. We were at college together.

    We have kept in touch by email and very occasional meetings and phone calls. We hardly ever see each other yet Ive been getting really strong romantic thought about her and I dont know what to do. She is single at the moment and no kids. I have hinted I like her but not too much. Should I risk it? I would be devestated if she decided that we couldn't be friends.

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    Earth Angel 5 years ago

    Dearest huntikonmove . . .

    Blessings and Namaste to you and yours this Happy New Year . . . Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings, thoughts and concerns about "X" and "Y" . . .

    I am sorry your heart is in such a quandry . . . What is often clear to others can baffle us who are in the middle of confusing feelings . . .

    My heart receives every inquiry for help seriously ~ even though some appear on the surface to be more ernest or more shallow than others, that is a judgement I suspend in honor of those who are truly suffering . . .

    I also realize there can be huge cultural gaps in what each of us considers the "norm" . . .

    My first advice huntikonmove would be to go back and read the words you wrote less than 3 hours ago . . . Do you see any inconsistencies in your writing . . .??

    If you were a stranger reading your comment for the first time, would you have unanswered questions by the time you came to the end . . . ??

    For now, with the information you have shared, I would suggest waiting before taking the next step . . . No one can answer the questions you posed except your Wise Self inside you . . . But I don't think it was your true Wise Self that was at the keyboard earlier . . .

    My intuition says you know the answer(s) . . . What would your Wise Self advise . . . ??

    Please keep me posted . . . I would LOVE to hear a Love Story with a happy ending . . . It's just too often we skip some important steps during the happy beginning . . .

    I look forward to hearing from you again huntikonmove . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

    P.S. Welcome to HubPages . . .

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    huntikonmove 5 years ago

    Hi all,

    I have been friends with a girl for past four years.Let's call her 'X'. The thing is, I had loved a classmate from school, let's call her 'Y'. 'X' helped me in few things about that, but when I proposed in 2010 dec, I got to know 'Y' was in love with someone else, so I just chose to remain friends with 'Y' and move on. I have been friends with 'X' since the start of my college but she left the school I was in in 2003. SO basically, I had never met her until in october 2010. We chatted or texted occasionally but since past one year,this has been regular. Either she texts me or pings me due to some reason or I do, then our conversation goes on for at least 45-60 minutes. After that incident with "Y", I didn't want to get into someone fast, so talked about other girls with her, who looks good and all and still do that, she doesn't mind that at all. sometimes we do talk on phone, buts that very rare, though the talks go on for an hour or so here as well. Last month,we went for a movie too, a hindi one. and again went on a kind of leaisure walk few days after. there, just to know, I suggested her that let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. It was said jokingly because I always flirt with her, so she was negative in reply. Clearly, that might have indicated to her that I like her. I didn't make another move after that, but our talks on sms and chats continue. She is my best friend and the thing is that I can't hide anything from her. She also tells me most of the things that happen in her life. We haven't talked too much about our personal details or likings, but just day to day activities. Now, I think that, if there is someone I would like to spend my life with her, that would be 'X' because she is my best friend. I can be 'me' with her and we can share our laughs just as we do. Nothing could be better. But the trouble is, first, I don't know what she feels. Second, I don't feel that strongly for her as I felt for 'Y' and I don't want her to be comparing my feelings(also I am not interested in anyone else,I just joke around with 'X' abt other girls but have never approached them and she knows that). Third, I am scared that even if we get together, and god-forbids things don't work out between us, I will lose an irreplaceable friend.

    SO what should I do, just stay as we are and wonder how things could be in future, make the move, or try and wait till my feelings get stronger for her?

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    Earth Angel 5 years ago

    Dearest "janesmith19" . . "When you are ready to ease your pain . . . "

    Of course I remember . . . My heart is sincerely with all who come to this Hub seeking advice or solice or support or just a soft place to fall . . .

    I am so sorry that things did not work out more romantically with your beloved . . . Our heart's break when the dreams we have with another are not made manifest in this realm . . .

    We all change . . . And some of our stages of growth are more attractive than others . . . Some are downright unattractive . . . It is hard, but with wisdom, we can continue to love those who have disappointed us . . . If even from afar . . .

    My experience has been that soul mates, those who touch us on profound soul-levels, are not the best life~long mates . . . they are the ones who teach us the best life~long lessons . . .

    When you are ready to ease your pain . . . First look at your dreams and expectations and hopes with another . . . It is our attachment to those dreams that cause us suffering . . . Let the attachment go, and the pain leaves with it . . .

    Silently, in your heart, thank your beloved for the mirror she has been in seeing yourself better . . . Give thanks to yourself that you were able to provide a mirror to someone else in their growth . . .

    When you are ready, let your heart unfold even wider . . . And that special someone for you will be there waiting . . . They've been there all along . . .

    Blessings of Thanks~Living in this Season of Gratitude . . .

    Earth Angel . . .

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    janesmith19 5 years ago

    Hello Earth Angel... I doubt you remember me, but almost a year ago I asked you what to do about my best friend who was also a woman that I was completely in love with. I need to vent somewhere and here is the safest place to do it. I'll just fill you in on what you've missed.

    Things were going great for a while, we were texting back and forth and eventually webcamming every night, trying to catch up on lost time. She would tell me how she missed me so much it hurt and how she couldn't sleep without me there or she would cry to herself at night because I was gone. One day it just stopped. I hadn't heard from her in a while, so I checked on her facebook. She was dating a guy (and a total sleaze to boot) which I think to this day she did to make me jealous. She would always tell me about the details, not in a best friends way but in a spiteful way. It hurt like hell. Eventually they broke up because he was an abusive prick, but she would never let me comfort her and instead would avoid any questions that I asked about her feelings.

    More recently, she came to visit me for a weekend for my birthday. That was in October. I don't think I'll see her in person again. We're not friends anymore, she's a completely different person. When she was here, I could tell she was really trying to be the same. She held hands with me in the park and we did everything we did that one fateful summer where we were almost together (cuddling, walking on the beach at night, etc). At night, she told me all the gritty details about her ex and how she was bi and had been experimenting. She said she wanted to be with a girl who actually cared about her, and had she said this her nose was touching mine. We were so close, but this new woman was not the one I fell in love with. I rolled over and went to sleep.

    I miss her terribly. I haven't spoken to her since that night. But I know she's different now and I can't change that- I've missed my chance. She broke my heart. My soul mate is gone, and everything feels so empty.

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    Md Shahe Asekeen 5 years ago from Bangladesh

    Nice suggestion!

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    Joeyzoom 5 years ago

    Earth Angel,

    You have NO idea how grateful I am for that reply. Everything you say makes perfect sense - and I concur completely.

    At this point, my heart is still so sore from the loss of the friendship and bond, the loss of my soulmate. It seems a cruel twist of fate/ to allow two hearts to travel on such different roads - the pain of unrequited love is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy.

    That being said, I sadly could not do the things you mentioned herein - honoring him in another relationship at this point makes me ill to think about. I do hope one day I get over this, I truly do -bjt if I do not, I will always treasure the years we had together.

    I wish there was a love potion nnumber9! My life has been so different without him in it, though I was starting to heal and move on until his recent contact - seems I am not the only one who can not let go.

    One day I will love someone who can return every ounce of that which I give....

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    Earth Angel 5 years ago

    Dearest JoeyZoom . . . Thank you for your comment and your email . . . My heart is with you . . . There are tears in my eyes after reading what you wrote . . . I can feel your intense pain . . . Thank you for reaching out . . .

    Your decision about cutting off or allowing your beloved to be in your life has really little to do with him . . . It may be still too raw after a year to look at or feel the root of your suffering . . . Yet it would go far toward easing both your pain . . .

    I have many, many "difficult" realtionships in my life . . . And when I am not fully conscious, they can cause me great pain . . . Not by anything they are doing ~ they are on completely separate wave lengths than I am . . . They are just "doing their thing and being who they are" . . .

    It's me who has a hard time with their behaviors or their choices . . . In my case, it's usually because someone else wants romance in our relationship and I can only offer friendship . . . .

    Surely I would have allowed these relationships to pass out of my immediate circle ~ as I have many. . . Except with the ones that remain, the love is very real . . .

    Yet it's not love in a romantic, physical way at all . . . I would consider several of us soul mates; I know they do . . .

    First we might want to "try" to define soul mates . . . A very loaded phrase . . . Personally, I do think/feel we have soul mates, many more than one, those we have cherished on many planes through many eons . . .

    If we are able to connect with one (or more) then we might be wise to cherish the connection, but not contaminate it by earthy trivialities . . .

    Second we might want to "try" to define LOVE . . . Sometimes it's easier to look at what love is NOT . . . Love is NOT possessive, it does NOT cause pain or suffering . . . Love is NOT blind . . . Love does NOT go away because of time or distance or involvement with someone else . . .

    Third, is there really enough LOVE in the world?? My answer is always a resounding "NO" . . . So if love makes itself known, I welcome it . . . I do not try and nail it down . . .

    One explanation to what happens to us while living on Mother Earth is we forget . . . We forget Love and how Divine and essential it is to our very existence . . . Maybe that's part of our lesson ~ to remember . . .

    In our forgetfulness we lust after another . . . We want exclusive rights to another . . . We want to possess the other . . . We want to control their actions . . . We want their total commitment to us while we still shelter our hearts a bit . . . Look at the media, we are "conditioned" that way . . .

    "Conditioning" sells products . . . True Love does not . . . That's why there are so few examples of it for us to model . . . We all fall asleep and into the lure of a dream that is not real . . .

    The sad thing is, what is real, is a thousand times better than any commercial version of a dream . . .

    Only you can answer the question about connecting or not connecting to your beloved . . . For me, I try to encourage and grow LOVE of all kinds where ever I am and with every one . . . The more possessive, unreal, "filled with expectation" kind I bless on its way . . .

    Can you have your beloved in your life and honor, not resist, your different wave lengths?? If not, work on your own heart until you can . . .

    Can you have your beloved in your life and honor him in another relationship and truly feel happy for him?? If not, work on your own heart until you can . . .

    Can you have your beloved in your life and honor him without feeling possessive or wishing things were any different than they are?? If not, work on your own heart until you can . . .

    You have this kind of discernment and wisdom Joey, I can read it in both your writings . . .

    Please let me know if any of this resonates with you . . . My heart is always open to those truly seeking to awaken to LOVE . . .

    Blessings Always, Earth Angel . . .

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    Joeyzoom 5 years ago

    Earth Angel, I realize this thread is a bit older - but it hit me so close to the heart, that I even sent you a private message.

    I let go of my best friend last year, because of my deep love for him which was sadly not openly reciprocated. It became unhealthy for me to keep him in my life, and as a result, I let him go - it was an agonzing choice; but, over the year, I healed quite a bit and moved forward (not moved on, notice - but forward).

    Now, a year later, he contacts me saying he has not been the same since I left his life, and wants me back in his life. I explained that while I will love him until the day I leave this earth, nothing has changed - and that this would not be a feasible thing for me. My question is - have I made the right choice? I firmly believe we are soulmates, so does he - but our hearts are on 2 different wavelengths, and the pain of that realization is just too real.

    Any advice from you would be so much appreciated. Thank you Earth Angel!

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    Earth Angel 5 years ago

    "Hello EarthAngel... I am rooted with earth and my passion is fire... I just found my fire and cannot see her face and feel really lost.... please help me... i cant find a way :/ "

    (Earth Angel just received the above comment from someone asking for help . . .)

    I am so very sorry that you are feeling such separation from your beloved . . . Take a deep breath . . . Again . . . Separation is not fatal . . . Although it often feels that way . . .

    Someone once said that the true nature of love is to feel that no one before or after will feel the same way about another . . .

    Love does often feel like a burning flame . . . Drawn to the light we feel as we get closer the heat . . .

    There is a fine line between genuinely loving someone and obsession . . . Often hard to tell the difference in the heat of the moment . . .

    Are you separated by just the "afternoon" or by "oceans?" Did you "just meet" or have been connected for years? Let me know how I may be of more help . . .

    My thoughts are with you and hopes for a speedy reunion . . .

    Blessings Always, Earth Angel . . .

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    nodnalwe 5 years ago

    I have had this best friend for nearly 20 years (i am 24) and I have always had crushes on her on and off but its never been a big deal (she has always known). Basically one of us was always in a relationship so thats why it was never a big deal. Well we are older now and both single (althought I just moved away for a year).

    My feelings for her grew so much the last 2 months. We were in the same place both single and spent all of our time together. We almost kissed once and we talked about stuff like that a few times but sort of in a joking way. The real problem is that her twin brother has also been my best friend for the same amount of time. Well after I moved I told her that I really wanted to try to make it more than a friendship when I return. She told me that it was a bad idea since we have known each other for so long and her brother would so not approve.

    Anyway it's been eating at me and I feel like it's going to ruin or friendship (my feelings). She will probably find another boyfriend between now and when I return and I will have trouble being her friend now. I really feel like i could marry this girl. We know we love each other and we know each other better than anyone.

    Should i pursue this more or should i try to forget her and hope I find someone else between now and then. I feel like this is the most important women I have ever met in my life and if I give up than I'm throwing away what would make us both happiest in the long run.

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    chuck 5 years ago

    here's my story met a girl online, we dated went out for a few weeks then an old lover came back and she fell for him or was never over him. she wanted to remain friends and has given me hints that there could be more for us in the future someday. my feelings are quite strong for her as we have been friends now for four months and good friends, its hard for me to watch her go out with these other guys because they all cheat on her and i bring up every once in a while that we should get back together, she brushes it aside and says not right now and that she believes relationships should start out as a friendship. i personally believe that is why we didn't stay together in an intimate relationship for long because she didn't know me nearly as well as she does now and vice versa. why does she insist on waiting longer?

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    Diva Dee 5 years ago

    I am 41yrs old and my best friend happens to be a 25 years old guy. He's very thoughtful, caring, and very mature for his age. Not to mention dropped dead gorgeous! But not stuck on hisself like most men his age are. We spend a lot of time together and have a lot of fun. I was in a relationship that ended very badley over a year ago. My ex boyfriend told me he got his ex girlfriend pregnant while I was in the hospital fighting for my life. He left town while I was there. My best friend has been a great friend helping through the mistrust I now have for men. He also has repaired some of the damaged that has been done. He shows me that all men are not self centered dogs! I've been knowing him since 2007, but lately, I've been fantasizing about him but I am scared to death to tell him I've fallen for him. I'm very scared of rejection. I've been so emotionally damaged, that I can't even tell if I should tell him or not. WHAT SHOULD I DO! THIS IS TEARING

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    Diva Dee 5 years ago

    I am 41yrs old and my best friend happens to be a 25 year old guy. He's very thoughtful, caring, and very mature for his age. Not to mention dropped dead gorgeous! But not stuck on hisself like most men his age are. We spend a lot of time togeher and have a lot of fun. I was in a relationship that ended very badley over a year ago. My ex boyfriend told me he got his ex girlfriend pregnant while I was in the hospital fighting for my life. He left town while I was there. He has been a great friend helping through the mistrust I now have for men. But lately, I've been fantasizing about him but I am scared to death to tell him I've fallen for him. I'm very scared of rejection. I've been so emotionally damaged, that I can't even tell if I should tell him or not. WHAT SHOULD I DO! THIS IS TEARING ME APART!!!!

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    Anna 6 years ago

    Earth Angel,

    I have always had feelings for a close friend. We have previously kissed (whilst we were still at school).. and nothing has gone any further. We spend lots of time together and enjoy each others company. We laugh together all the time. I've recently been wondering if he could be 'the one'... like has been mentioned previously, i don't want to ruin what we have!

    He has also cheated on his previous partners a lot.. which we have talked about. He says he doesn't 'want' to cheat, but he's not found someone he really likes yet, and it has always seemed the easiest way (bearing in mind that his previous girlfriends have also cheated on him). He says he wants to find someone that helps him to change. We have all the same social circles and mutual close friends... and i'm genuinly not convinced he would cheat on me, as he has been there through many personal things with myself that i know he wouldn't risk it.

    I just need some advice on whether or not i should tell him, or leave it as we are and just accept that i will always have feelings for him.

    Also, if i did decide to tell him, what would be the best way to do it?

    I hope you can help!

    Anna

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Jay . . .

    Our attractions to others can be so confounding at times . . . so confusing . . . and painful both when we are close to them and when we are not . . .

    Just know that Love does not contain any of these things . . . Attraction, desire, the need to bond . . . wanting, as well as distancing and fear of rejection . . . All of these hold the root of suffering for our hearts . . . Not Love . . .

    As best friends a natural feeling would be that you want each other to be deliciously happy . . . I think we spend most of our lives trying to figure out for ourselves what truly does make our hearts sing . . .

    It changes . . . often . . .

    You mention in your four-year relationship you have both had connections with other people . . . It's all about finding our way back to ourselves, our source, actually . . . Relationships are about mirroring back our unhealed selves . . .

    The closer we get to being whole again, to a healed fully awakened self, the closer we get to knowing what has profound unwavering meaning in our lives . . .

    To me, the difference between "being friendly" and "flirting" is an overt sexual undertone . . . I am a very friendly, affectionate, touchy-feel-good person . . . But none of it is sexual . . .

    My behaviors have, however, been misinterpreted by those who long to be in my bed . . . And it was devastating to me, after trying to get back to our cherished friendship, to have to end those . . . "You can't un-ring a bell" . . . That is why I wrote this Hub . . .

    Yes, there are many ways to "test the waters" to see if your feelings of hopeful intimacy are shared . . . I have written hundreds of suggestions up above in the comments section over the years . . . "I had a dream we were together, what do you think that means?" . . . "So and so said they thought we made a nice couple, has anyone said that to you?" . . . Try to gently hold her hand while walking and see if holds yours back or she pulls away . . . Go to a romantic movie where in the story-line friends become lovers and then talk about it afterward . . . Have her read this Hub and then talk about it . . .

    Whatever she says MUST be respected . . .

    My intuition, and yours I suspect, is that after four years you both would know if romance is in the stars for you as a couple . . . Please do not discount the enormous value of friendships . . . Lovers come and go . . . Friendships with true depth can last a lifetime . . .

    Please let me know how this unfolds for the two of you . . . I appreciate your sharing and openness . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

    (Happiness is different from contentment . . . )

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    Jay 6 years ago

    Hello Earth Angel,

    I have been, what I would call, in love with my best friend for the last 4 years and I honestly cannot see these feelings ever subsiding. I have tried to put them behind me and have been in a few other realtionships but have had to break them off because I felt they were becoming too serious and I couldn't carry on knowing that I didn't love them. I have also tried to distance myself from my best friend but I always end up feeling worse without her than I do having to listen to her talk about men she likes. She has told me on many occasions that she is straight but she seems to flirt with me often and a few months ago we were alone in a room and she told me, rather seriously, that she only wanted to make me happy. I don't know if I'm misreading these signs but I'd like to hope I'm not. Is there any way I could test the waters? Maybe something I could say or do that I could still cover up as friendly if she seemed horrified?

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings Tashi . . .

    Often, our feelings and enthusiasm for another plus our hopefulness that they share the same in return, cloud our ability to see clearly the predicament we put them in . . .

    This is when we know our feelings of attraction for them are real . . . and as for Love, that is still in infancy stage . . .

    Love never surprises or tricks or corners or limits another person . . . Love is more like a rose . . . . Under the right conditions and with patience, the petals unfold into something of great beauty . . .

    Allow her to share her feelings . . . or not ~ she may choose to ignore . . . As I caution above, "a bell cannot be unrung . . ."

    I am still holding warm thoughts that the two of you have the kind of connection that will keep you close . . . and maybe closer . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    Tashi 6 years ago

    Hi

    Your are correct, i feel i may have gone down the wrong road. never thought of this.

    i will advise the out come

    Blessings Earth Angel

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings Tashi . . .

    I will keep good thoughts that over the weekend she will get a chance to process what you have shared with her . . . I hope it goes well and that she shares your same feelings . . .

    Do not be surprised if she feels that you "tricked" her in some way . . . I hope not . . . I will keep good thoughts . . .

    Blessings to you Tashi . . . Earth Angel . . .

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    Tashi 6 years ago

    Hi Earth Angel.

    i have told her, but i have taken a discreat approach, I am now leaving my job so i had to tell her soon. i told her that i was in love with some one at work but needed advice on what the person might react, she said if the person was a tru friend, you would never lose the friend, i then told her what i wanted, i did not get a response. so it may have backfired, damn, but i will know more on monday. i will keep you posted.

    thanks and blessings for your help

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings of love and light to you Starfish . . .

    You sound/read much less overwhelmed in your comment above . . . That is always good . . . None of us ever makes good decisions until we can get our anxiety down to a manageable level . . . And it's tough to do when our heart is in a quandary . . .

    There is nothing wrong with gently bringing up the subject with your best friend . . .

    "Someone's asked me if we were a couple . . . has anyone ever asked you that? . . . What did you say? . . ."

    "I had a dream we were kind of a couple . . . have you ever had a dream like that? . . . "

    "I think best friends make the best couples; what do you think? . . ."

    "If I ever started having really special feelings for you, should I keep them to myself or share them with you? . . . "

    "Lately I've noticed I want to look a bit nicer when I know we are going to see each other, what do you think of that? . . . "

    Something simple and non-threatening . . . We are all trying to find our way in the world, figure out what works for us and what doesn't, and we all deserve the amount of time it takes . . .

    You may be ready and he may not be ready . . . Both are valid . . . But in any relationship, friendship, romance, marriage, etc. it only takes ONE to say NO (or not now) and that must be respected . . .

    So when approaching the subject of taking a friendship to the next level, it is good to keep it light and allow both parties plenty of space to retreat or move forward in their own time . . .

    Please keep me posted . . . I think you have more insight than you know . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    starfish 6 years ago

    First allow me to thank you for your guidance it is very much appreciated. You are right I did fail to mention the things he has done for me like recently i had a few problems with the ex and he was the one who jumped in to protect me and i get confused because he is not the type of guy that is obvious about how he feels he keeps his emotions close to his chest and yet saying that sometimes when we are out he clings to me and if girls try to talk to him to show they are interested in him he normally has no interest or at least shows no interest when i am there. he never used to be like this around me plus he his mum has mentioned how fond of me he is but i can not help but wonder if this is a case of him trying to show he is interested or if he is being nothing but a good friend. thank you for your advice on this matter Earth Angel it is a great comfort to know there people like yourself who are willing to give advice that actually makes sense.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings to you Starfish,

    Darling name and probably pretty accurate according to your writing . . . A starfish can survive under water and above water for a time . . . You may be feeling a bit over your head at the moment . . .

    One of the reasons I wrote this Hub was to encourage people to really honor the friendships that they have . . . In our pursuit of romance, we often overlook how really genuine and sacred our friendships are . . . Friendships in life are sooooooooooooo much more important than our romantic connections . . .

    You mention all the things you do for him, but not anything that he does for you . . . ? Is this a reciprocal friendship?

    It kind of sounds more like you are his "fan" . . . He has needs and you are happy to fulfill them . . . Yet you feel he is completely unaware of your feelings . . . This all seems a bit one-sided . . . ?

    I know a lot of young women who knock themselves out for a guy, and the guy lets them . . . He never makes false promises . . . Never tries to take advantage during sleep-overs . . . But he isn't really "invested" in how his admirer feels either . . .

    These young women, time and again, act as kind of "place cards" keeping their best friend happy and until he meets "the one" . . . Once he becomes obsessed with his new found love, he rarely understands why his best friend doesn't share his enthusiasm . . .

    If you have a genuine two-way friendship then honor that . . . You would have known by now if he has romantic inclinations toward you . . .

    At the same time, don't let yourself be a "place card" by taking care of someone's needs and wants who is not that into your needs and wants . . .

    It sounds/reads like you have a lot to offer a really special person . . . Don't sell yourself short . . . Enjoy your friendship . . . Don't continue to spoil him unless it becomes more reciprocal . . . And look for someone who appreciates you and is in tune with your needs and wants as well . . .

    Does any of that resonate with you? . . . Please let me know . . .

    I send you my best for warm waters and smooth sailing . . . Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest old wise soul LostInThought . . .

    I too, was in an accident long ago and in recovery for nearly two years afterward . . . It does mature one's perspective . . .

    At the time it was very challenging . . . In hindsight it was one of life's gifts that came wrapped in a black box . . .

    Like you, my appreciation for life and loved ones multiplied . . . The colors of life became more vivid . . . The music more poignant . . . The fragrance of life flowers intoxicating . . . Rumi, the ancient poet and I spoke the same language . . .

    In Kriya Yoga there is a saying, "too soon to tell . . ." and it is used each time we make a judgement about anything good or bad . . .

    A modern day example would be someone who wins the lottery and everyone congratulates them on their good fortune . . . "Too soon to tell . . . " A year later they are broke and alienated from their loved ones . . . "Too soon to tell . . . " The small part of the lottery winnings that had been donated to charity helps save someone's life . . . "Too soon to tell . . . " The person whose life was saved accidentally hits and kills five people including a pregnant mother . . . "Too soon to tell . . ." The organs donated help save 65 others . . .

    We have all be witness to, and part of, stories that seem good one minute and go bad, and vice versa . . . It is human conditioning that makes us judge individual situations as good and bad . . .

    The truth is, all events just like all people and all energy is connected . . . We make judgements based on a snapshot in time instead of waiting for the entire movie to play out . . .

    When we have come close to losing our lives, we have more appreciation for it . . . And that appreciation is especially strong for love, feeling love for another and feeling loved by them . . .

    You have a really special connection with each other . . . It's not going to go away overnight . . .

    Continue with your studies . . . Have fun and do not cut yourself off socially from friends . . . Take seriously the commitment he has made to the military . . . We owe our men (and women) in service huge gratitude . . . Don't be caught off guard if the ex- surfaces again . . .

    As your wise self mentioned above, let things settle down in both your lives . . . Continue to be there for each other . . . Give him as much love and support as possible as his best friend . . . Trust your connection . . . and honor the boundaries . . .

    Thank you and blessings for sharing your heartfelt thoughts . . . Please let me know how I may continue to be of service . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    LostInThought 6 years ago

    Thank you for taking the time to respond it is greatly appreciated.

    You are correct my friendship is so rare and I am thankful everyday for being blessed with this amazing relationship.

    My accident was almost a year ago and I am mostly healed, I still have therapy to try an get back into shape but so far all is well. The experience has broadened my horizons and opened my eyes to the more important things in life. I say all the time I started that day 18 years old and ended it with a 80 year old soul. I take nothing for granted now and cherish every moment of life which is why I caution myself with this love. My friendship is so important that I would rather keep to myself about my feelings if there was a chance of losing him in my life.

    He is in for 4 years as of now but is strongly considering making this a career. I grew up with both of my parents in the army so I understand the distance but it still is hard on relationships.

    His ex was with him for the end of his senior year up until he left and then they got back together again at the beginning of last year. Their relationship was, in my eyes, unhealthy. She cheated on him and although many people told him about it he never wanted to believe it and blamed himself for ruining the relationship because of the distance between them. I was always there for him when they were going through rough patches and told him that as long as he was happy he should do what's in his heart and not what others want him to do. It broke my heart that someone would do something like that to such an amazing guy. He didn't deserve that at all.

    It's amazing that you suggested that. I do write, to him, and to myself, and just in general. It is an amazing way to get all of my thoughts and feelings out without having to tell someone else or him. I started a notebook when he left for basic training and have on and off written in it to get my thoughts out. I believe in time I will come to an understanding of what all my feelings mean. Also I think I might go back and read all of the letters that I have written. I think once things settle down in both of our lives we might be able to have a conversation about our feeling for each other and where they might take us in the future. I just need to figure out how to have that conversation openly and honestly.

    I thank you for your time, thoughts, and prayers always...

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings of love, light and healing to you LostInThought . . .

    Only by chance did I happen on the computer a few moments ago . . . And I only have a few moments before rushing out the door so this will be brief . . .

    I am so glad you are giving your feelings, and his, careful consideration . . . It sounds like you have a wonderful, strong, special, enduring, sacred friendship/relationship . . . Please honor and appreciate that for it is rare and truly a gift from the heart . . .

    I am so sorry about your accident . . . Have you healed completely? I will say a prayer that whatever scars, internal or external, will heal with grace . . .

    I am also so sorry there is this military distance between you . . . When will his service end? Or is he career military?

    You mention a previous girlfriend in passing but I imagine there is more to it than that . . .

    Just know that since you have been best friends for so many years now there is no need to hurry or rush things . . . Let them unfold naturally as you have been doing . . .

    There will be no "what if" later in life with this relationship because you are too close and are able to communicate well . . . But distance and trauma need to subside a bit so you both know your feelings are on solid ground . . . Which they sound very much like they are . . .

    My suggestion would be to write out your feelings . . . Not just once but many times . . . Write to yourself . . . Write to him without sending anything . . . Write to the Wild Divine . . . Write over days and weeks . . . The answer to your questions will begin to materialize on the page . . .

    I must run . . . Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    LostInThought 6 years ago

    I've spent the last half hour reading all of the page and have found so much help in understanding what I am going through.

    I am 19 years old and I just finished my first year of college. I have been best friends with this guy since my junior year in high school. He was a senior at the time and we became very close, we talked every day in school, walked to class together, ate lunch together, volunteered for student council meetings, pretty much everything we could do together we did. After school we both played sports so we tried to make it to each others events and supported each other all the way. We would text each other at night until we went to sleep... it was always nice having someone to say goodnight to. It was a great year together and we would tell each other all the time how much we meant to each other and how we would stay just as close after he graduated. He joined the Navy and left for basic training about a month into my Senior year. That was so hard for me, I knew I would miss him but I didn't know how much. I wrote to him and he wrote to me but things had changed. Neither of us said how much we cared or missed each other, it was to hard. He came home that year for Christmas and that week we spent almost everyday together. It was almost like he never left, we went back to laughing and joking around like we always did. The only difference was that when we hugged it was a longer hug, and when we looked into each others eyes it was like we couldn't look away. By the middle of the week I knew that I had feelings for him but I didn't want to say anything since he was leaving again in a few days. The day he left was tough we spent 3 hours together and barely talked. I knew what I wanted to say but didn't know how to say it. We hugged before he left and I didn't want to let him go. My drive home I actually shed a tear because I knew how much I would miss him. Two weeks after that he finally got his phone back and got a computer with the internet so we went back to talking and calling each other, even the occasional skype call.

    He's been gone for almost two years now but we have managed to stay best friends just like we said we would. When he does get home we make sure to spend as much time as possible together but that's only a few days every 6 or so months. Even though he is so far away and we never get to see each other my feelings for him have grown so much. Both of our friends always told us we were going to end up together and we always denied it and said we were only friends, especially since he had a girlfriend until a few months ago. Even the guys he's in the Navy with that I have never met have told me that they think we should be together. They say that they wish they could have as great a friendship as we do and that it's obvious how much we love each other.

    We have kissed before and we lay around and watch movies and stuff together when hes home. Its always nice to have someone there to be close to, and we both fit together so perfectly that I can't help but enjoy it. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe I'm just lonely but after my car accident last year I found that we both care a lot about each other in a serious way. I almost died and if I wouldn't of talked him out of it he would have been on the first plane home to be with me, even though he wasn't allowed to leave his military post. After that our conversations changed he was so supportive of my recovery and encouraged me every step of the way. We talked about me coming to visit him and what we would do when he came home next. He'd tell me how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me. Every conversation made me fall more and more for him and it seemed like he was feeling the same way but he would never say anything about how he felt for me or if he had any feelings for me.

    I know that being so far away really makes it hard. I just don't know what to do. Should I tell him how I feel or should I just keep it to myself. He is such an important friend to me and I don't want to loose that friendship but I'm not sure I can risk not telling him and end up wondering what if later in life. What should I do?

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings of love and understanding Anonymous . . .

    Our heartstrings are pulled when our affections for someone are not returned . . . Of course, confessing feelings while under the influence is never a good idea . . . Even on New Year's Eve . . .

    If I read your words correctly, your best friend has been very clear with you . . . He cares a great deal for you and about you . . . But is not in love with you . . .

    I wrote this Hub to awaken people to the benefits of having a deep abiding friendship, and honoring, respecting, appreciating that friendship, without crossing the boundaries clearly set . . .

    No one except your best friend knows the feelings of his heart . . . But if what you write above is accurate, he has been clear . . . Please honor that . . .

    Blessings to you always, Earth Angel . . .

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    anonymous 6 years ago

    i have been in love with my best friend for nearly two years now. he has always maintained that he does not believe in love. he is not expressive at all. never once has he said that i mean alot to him. even then his every action shows that he cares alot about me. he is always there when i need him. this new year's eve, i got drunk and told him that i love him. i asked him if he knew that, he said he did. next day when we spoke, he completely refused to believe that i meant what i said. we completely avoided voicing out my exact words. i told him i was in my senses, and i remember wat i said. he said u dont know what you said. so the discussion ended there. do you think he did that because he thinks of me only as a friend and does not want it to affect our friendship? or is it because he does not believe in love? i am his closest friend, but he is like this closed book. you really have to prod him to get things out of him.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings of Clarity and Joy to you Siobhan . . .

    I am so very glad you found your way to this posting . . . And that it may provide some insights into your situation . . .

    Yes, it is difficult to discuss things with your best friend when it is your best friend you want to discuss . . .

    I am glad you brought up saying something without setting it all in stone . . . Communication is key . . .

    There is nothing wrong with you saying something casually like, "you know when you were texting me about that other girl, I think I might have felt a little jealous . . . " And then see what he says . . . .

    He may have been telling you about her to see if you would be jealous . . . Or because he really likes her . . .

    If, at the moment, his feelings are not in the same direction as yours, telling him too strongly will in fact change the dynamic of your relationship . . .

    If, at this moment his feelings are growing in the same direction as yours, he will jump on your comment to open the door . . .

    Please keep me posted . . . Love is never hard or heartbreaking . . . It's only our expectations of Love that adds pain . . .

    Blessings to you always, Earth Angel . . .

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    Siobhan 6 years ago

    I found this post to be incredibly helpful...! But I am still so confused about what I am feeling for my best friend... A few months ago I started seeing him differently, as if in a new light, and it startled me. I have been pondering on these feelings stirring in me since, and it seems like the feelings grow stronger by the day. I tried to push them away, but when we were texting and he coolly mentioned confessing to a girl he likes...it brought me such pain. I was so confused and so hurt at the same time, because I didn't know if I was simply jealous at the matter that I may be replaced as the most important girl in his life, or that I wanted to be with him on another level.

    He knows something is up with me, and I don't know whether or not to tell him. I fear this may change or friendship to something drastically lesser and I will be reduced to nothing but a hollow shell of agony from the loss of my best friend...

    Should I tell him what I have said here? Basically, 'I have some confused thoughts that I've been trying to sort out...' or something like that, like, not setting it all in stone? I feel it gnawing away at me, because the person I want to tell about this confusion is the one it is about!

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    Siobhan 6 years ago

    I found this post to be incredibly helpful...! But I am still so confused about what I am feeling for my best friend... A few months ago I started seeing him differently, as if in a new light, and it startled me. I have been pondering on these feelings stirring in me since, and it seems like the feelings grow stronger by the day. I tried to push them away, but when we were texting and he coolly mentioned confessing to a girl he likes...it brought me such pain. I was so confused and so hurt at the same time, because I didn't know if I was simply jealous at the matter that I may be replaced as the most important girl in his life, or that I wanted to be with him on another level.

    He knows something is up with me, and I don't know whether or not to tell him. I fear this may change or friendship to something drastically lesser and I will be reduced to nothing but a hollow shell of agony from the loss of my best friend...

    Should I tell him what I have said here? Basically, 'I have some confused thoughts that I've been trying to sort out...' or something like that, like, not setting it all in stone? I feel it gnawing away at me, because the person I want to tell about this confusion is the one it is about!

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Junpei . . .

    Only you can answer that question . . . In my comment above I cautioned against sharing your romantic interests with you best friend . . .

    Did you re-read your comments? I don't think so . . .

    Love is about two people wanting the best for each other . . . In your comments, it's only about you, what you want and how you feel and when you think is a good time to tell her . . . And that you are willing to be friends after even if she doesn't feel that way . . . Love is about both people, not just you . . .

    If you told me your feelings and I didn't already share them, we could no longer be friends . . . End of story . . . It wouldn't be up to you to continue the friendship or not, it would be up to me . . .

    Spend some time looking at this situation from her point of view . . . I think you already know she doesn't share the same romantic inclinations . . . Maybe she will at a later time . . .

    A LOT more introspection on your part is needed my dear Junpei . . . Love is about TWO people . . . Until you can fully stand in her shoes, and honor her wishes, you might want to reconsider your feelings . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . . .

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    Junpei 6 years ago

    Thank you Earth Angel! Can you also advise me on when is the possible right time to do it? What are the possible indicators or signs that I should go ahead or not go ahead?

    You have my gratitude,

    Junpei

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Junpei . . .

    Blessings to you and your new feelings for your wonderful friend . . .

    Don't do it . . . That is my simple and direct response . . . Listen to your friends . . . They see more than you do . . .

    Re-read your comment above . . . Several times . . . Does anything jump out at you??

    Re-read it as though you were the person someone was coming to for advice . . . What do you see?

    Re-read it as though you were your dear friend . . . What do you see?

    Write me back here and let me know . . . I will be in and out of the office all day but I will check back . . .

    Asking is always a good first step . . . You already know the answer, I'm just trying to help you uncover what is already there . . .

    Blessings to you always, Earth Angel . . .

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    Junpei 6 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    I really hope you will reply to me, since I think I'm going crazy. Here is the situation:

    I have a friend. Let's call her Kei (I'm not Japanese though ^_^). Anyway, I have been her friend for more than almost a year. I had a crush on her the first time we met, but that was it and we became good friends. It was around several months ago that my feelings for her surfaced. I can't recall the exact moment, but I found myself wanting to see her, looking forward to work because I want to be with her, etc. Now, I want to know what she feels about me. I want to tell her how I feel next week. But my some of my friends tell me to wait a little longer. They told me to shower her with more care and admiration as a friend, without revealing or being obvious that I like her. On the other hand, I felt that this is the perfect time to tell her, between summer and the first semester of class, since I do not want to distract her when work begins in the first semester of classes. I feel that the time between summer and the first semester would give her the space to think clearly. What do you think?

    I am also concerned as to how this would affect our friendship. I want to preserve it no matter what happens. I plan to confess to her, then to explain to her that no matter her answer I would always be a friend. If yes, then its all good. If no, then I will get over it, accept it, and remain a friend by all means possible. I am confident I can do it should that happen. Still, I am afraid. What if she says no and she is not able to avoid feeling awkward around me afterwards? I would so much appreciate some up-front, honest advice, Earth Angel. Thank you!

    Junpei

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Becky . . .

    Help is always near . . . You just need to ask . . . Take a deep breath . . . You've been through a lot . . . And you need to be strong and rational and loving for your precious children . . .

    Now is NOT the time to take a romantic step forward . . . You have been through too much in such a short time . . .

    For everything that you have been through, your children will internalize and multiply it by many times . . . Even if they are very small, they will absorb the energy . . . And in twenty years, you will be shocked at how much they know and remember about what happened . . .

    It's not about you right now as much as it is about them . . .

    Your feelings of fear and panic and need and abandonment (even though you were strong and right to end your abusive marriage) will cloud any other feelings you may think are sincere for someone else . . .

    We all "see" through the lens of our experiences . . . Until you can wipe that lens clean, which takes a lot of rigorous self-work, refrain from getting involved too seriously with anyone . . .

    You need to put yourself back together as a whole person before you consider getting involved with someone else . . . We all think it would be easier with a new mate by our sides . . . It's not . . .

    One of the reasons women often stay in abusive relationships is lack of self-esteem . . . They often "need" someone else to validate them more than they need a loving and safe environment for themselves and their children . . .

    It's not about your best friend . . . He cannot fix the parts of you that are broken . . . He can be a good friend while you tend to the severe damage done to you and your children and your lives . . .

    You yourself are young but you have no choice at the moment but to grow up really fast . . .

    Until you have completed your divorce (at least a year) and the courts have awarded you sole custody and your kids are thriving in school and you are receiving child support in a timely manner and you have a solid roof over you and the kids heads and you have had some serious counseling to get to the root of why you stayed in such an abusive situation, you do not need to be considering getting involved with someone else . . .

    Appreciate this dear friend who has stood by your side . . . Give thanks that the Divine provided a soft shoulder during this critical time . . . Do not heap all this unresolved baggage onto the very person who has provided comfort . . .

    Lean on your best friend from time to time as you heal yourself and make sound decisions for you and your children . . . (Do not lean on the same person all the time . . . It's too much for anyone . . . ) Do you have a supportive family nearby?? . . . Is there a service near you, a Church or Battered Women's Service, that might provide an understanding professional woman to talk with at no-cost or low-cost . . . ??

    You and your best friend have plenty of time to grow and tend to an adult relationship once much of this drama is behind you . . . This is not about a friendship that may blossom into a lifelong romance . . . This is about healing from abuse and getting the help you need for you and your children . . .

    I know much of the above sounds a bit harsh, maybe harsher than some of the advice I have given to others above . . . But you have small children and a history of abuse - the dynamics are much more serious here . . . A new romance shouldn't even be a consideration . . .

    HubPages offers some really good insights for ending abuse, especially from Hubber Patty Inglish . . .

    Please let me know if you need help in locating services in your area . . . In the meantime, be grateful for this dear friend at a time of great need and confusion . . . Do not make life more complicated than it already is . . .

    I have lighted a candle and said prayers for you, your children, your bf . . . even your ex- . . . Ask for help and it will be there . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    Becky 6 years ago

    I hope you can please help me i have fallen madly and deeply in love with my best friend and its far more complicated than that. ill try and give u a bit of background information.... i am a 23year old mother of three. i got out of a almost 9year relationship a few months ago it was a very bad reltionship my ex was very controling and abusive and on drugs my life was hell but i was to scared to leave. but on valentines day of this year i finally told him i couldn't do it anymore and this ended up with him trying to kill me... my best friend well he got out of a 8 yr relationship nearly 2 years ago now but they have had odd occasions of togetherness.....this man has been a huge part of nmy life for so long..he was my exs friend 'officially' but we always shared something on the odd occasion we were alone he saw how my ex treated me and i know it ate him alive he was the one person i had that would tell me its not my fault and well just say the odd word or give me a look that told me he cared...anyway on the valentines night i told u about he was there he gave me the courage to finally tell my ex id had enough... my ex was crafty though as he waited for my bf to leave before he attacked me... anyway as soon as the police took my ex away icalled my friend he came back to my home so quickly and stayed with me as i was a state he has been there for me at every turn helped with everything and anything he can my children also love him dearly we have spoken about feelings about each other but i never get a proper response, he tells me he loves me, im his rock and he doesn't know what hed do without me and then at times hes cold i just dont know how he feels i think hes scared. the last thing i wanted right now was to fall in love and really didn't expect it but i have NEVER felt like this before i love him soooo much. i show him loads too but i need to tellhim straight im in love with you but i am absolutley terrified of ruining our friendship because we mean the world to each other and i think in fact i know id be far more heartbroken at losing his friendship than him not returning my feelings. i have to do something about this though because its really eating me up i think of him all the time every song i hear reminds me of him in one way or the other. its not just me and him to think of either its my children. please help me!!!!

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Kira . . .

    Blessings of kindness and compassion and understanding to you gentle young soul . . .

    Those who are older and say that first love is not real are incorrect . . . It is very real and the memories stay with us a lifetime . . .

    This Hub was written as a caution to those whose intuition tells them not to step over the boundaries of another . . . It sounds like you need to honor your own intuition . . . If you re-read your own words you will see that you have answered your own dilemma . . .

    Closeness, a deep profound abiding love between women is natural . . . and essential to our survival . . . You may have noticed a huge world-wide movement toward regaining our Sacred Feminine . . . Welcome to the dance little sister . . .

    As women, including young ones as yourself, we are passionately drawn to other women who seem to speak the same language as ourselves . . . We long to be heard . . . to be understood and accepted . . . To matter . . .

    Be honest with yourself and ask: what qualities in this other person am I so attracted to? And then ask yourself: do I need to work on increasing those very same qualities in myself?

    You are friends . . . very close friends . . . You have a responsibility to honor that friendship, not distract it by youthful longings . . .

    Listen to your heart . . . Not your "surface" heart that wants to be a couple . . . Your deepest heart-wisdom that wrote your comment above . . . Keep writing . . .

    Please let me know what you decide and how this unfolds . . . I send you love and light and much respect for your insight . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . . .

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    kira  6 years ago

    Please help me i am a 14 year girl and i know that i am a bit young to be dating but i think i love my friend who is also a girl. i want to tell her but i don't know how i have tryed giving sings and evry thing but it is not working. She is a few years older than me but we are real good friend but i think if i tell her flat out she might not want to be friends. :( oh please help me Earth Angel and other people.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Cassie . . .

    Blessings to you this lovely Monday morning . . .

    It is a wondrous thing for me to witness the growth and unfolding of a beautiful young soul such as yourself . . .

    As you have experienced with this situation the answers were within you all the time . . . You noticed a change in his behavior at the same time you had a change in your feelings . . .

    The difference between knowledge (good) and wisdom (better) is what we do with the insights we have been given . . . You have shown great wisdom and understanding, much beyond your years . . .

    Have a wonderful day love . . . Love, laugh and offer your heart in friendship to all . . . The world needs more of you . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    cassie1220 6 years ago

    Earth Angel,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! It means so much, especially since I have never dealt with a situation like this before. I now better understand the way I should be there for him. Things should simply stay the same.

    And since I sense that he may in fact be struggling to understand his desires and sexuality like many teens, hearing that a girl has feelings for him may make things much harder for him to deal with... more confusing.

    Your reply has led me to notice something I find interesting. During the same time I started reading signs that made me question/realize what I feel for him, was the same time he started contacting me less. But not avoiding me. Which gives me a stronger feeling that he might have already suspected.

    I love him in a way that I'll always be there for him, so I'll give him plenty of space. I think what I feel is a very strong friendship, and questions I've asked myself about it are what led to feeling like it should be or would be something more under certain circumstances. I think taking more time to question myself will prove this.

    I'll let you know how things go...

    Cassie

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Cassie1220 . . .

    I am heartened to hear/read that you have given these feelings a few months reflection . . . And that maybe they have grown even stronger . . .

    I also hear/read that you really care about this person and feel as I often do, the world can be an unfair and cruel place and we want to make up for it where we can . . .

    Telling a person they are beloved and appreciated and respected and special is quite different than telling someone they are perfect . . .

    If your dearest is quite as in-tune to others as you believe then yes, he probably does suspect your true feelings for him . . . He may be wrestling around with the same dilemma that you are . . .

    He may also be wrestling with the straight, gay, bi- dilemma as well . . . And people need to have their own time and their own space to understand their own desires before launching them on others . . .

    Be there for him as a friend . . . I would advise against the big declaration of Love . . . Give yourselves more time . . . There is no hurry . . . Your friendship sounds wonderful and more appreciation for that aspect may be in order . . .

    As close as we are to some people, we do not know the burdens they carry in silence . . . We can offer our hearts and our shoulders . . .

    But it is the free will of the other to share or not, to step forward or not, to return the affections or not . . . And we must accept their decisions/boundaries without insistence that things be any other way . . .

    Please let me know how this wonderful relationship unfolds . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    You are more than welcome Confusedd!

    Please keep me posted as things unfold! You sound/read like a loving soul and I know LOVE will find you soon!

    Blessings always, Earth Angel!

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    Confuseddd 6 years ago

    Thank you for your response!! It made me realize somethings that I've never thought of.

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    cassie1220 6 years ago

    Hi Earth Angel!

    A few months ago, I realized I may have feelings for my closest male friend. I figured I would give it some time to be sure, about four months, but what I feel for him has some how become stronger and I believe I love him. I have never felt this way about anyone before, it didn't even start out as a crush. I barely understand it, so I fear what he would think of it himself. I definitely do not want to risk losing our friendship, but at the same time I'll never know if I don't tell him.

    It's not that I expect him to feel the same. I just want him to feel loved/appreciated. He is bullied and called gay, I don't know if he is, but either way I want to let him know he's perfect and help him not see the world as mean, and know there is somebody there who really cares about him. He's not like other guys and doesn't show much interest in girls, but I can see he just wants someone to love him.

    It's killing me that I haven't told him, and when I do, I won't just say the three words we've exchanged before as friends. I'll tell him exactly how I feel. I think that's the only way to get him to understand.

    He might have already saw it himself. He's very good at reading people, it's quite a talent. Some of the signs being how I never hang up first, unless I can call him right back, I call way too much, and maybe by the way I look at him.

    But if i'm going to tell him, I should do it soon since he moves around alot, and I may loose my chance and always regret it. So I see no point in waiting. I'm just afraid he will start avoiding/ignoring me afterwards if it scares him because he does not feel the same. I would love to hear your advice.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Hi Charlie!

    Good to hear from you!

    No need to be confused! Sounds/reads like the four days together were a gift of clarity!

    We never need to have all the answers! It doesn't sound/feel right; move on!

    Too often we spend too much time trying to figure it all out, why it didn't or isn't going to work, why, who is to blame, why, am I making a mistake, why, what is she changes her mind, why, what if I change mine, why, is it inevitable, why!?

    It really doesn't matter other than learning from the lesson and moving on!

    If I had the option in my life of some "clarity" or a "relationship" I would chose clarity every time!

    Just be happy that you had a chance to spend some time together and things are much clearer now!

    With your eyes more open, you may be able to see someone right around the corner you would have missed by looking the other way!

    Blessings always, Earth Angel!

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    Charlie 6 years ago

    Hi Earth Angel

    We spoke a while back, over a month ago now. My situation has changed in terms of being in love with my best friend! After spending 4 days with her, my feelings have changed completely! I can't see her more than a friend, maybe its because I have accepted the inevitable?! Or spending 4 days with her has opened my eyes to just move on?!

    It has confused me alot?! I think I have resorted to giving up because I can spend my whole life waiting for something that is not going to happen.

    Charlie

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Confusedd . . .

    Blessings to you this lovely Mother's Day morning . . . I hope/trust you will do something wonderful to honor your mother today, whether she has been a "saint or sinner" in your eyes . . .

    Thank you for your comment and questions above . . . I have read it numerous times . . . Our beliefs about love can be so confusing . . . And our communications with each other even worse . . .

    Somehow "throwing tiny chunks of bar soap during history class" seems a bit incongruent with having boyfriends/girlfriends . . . ?

    If you are best friends with his twin sister, and you talk with him 24/7, does the topic ever come up between you . . . ? Wouldn't you know if he is over his last girlfriend . . . ? And interested in you as more than friends . . . ?

    Are you maybe over-emphasizing his actions/attention toward you because you would really like there to be more . . . ?

    It reads to me like you have a wonderful friendship . . . Trust that as/if it evolves into something more you will both know . . .

    Just be real . . . Be authentic . . . Be clear in your communications with him and with others . . .

    Please keep me posted as to how this all unfolds . . .

    Blessings always, Earth Angel . . .

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    Confusedd 6 years ago

    My best friend has a twin brother who I like ALOTT. We talk all the time and we are really close and I love being around him. He likes to walk in front of me when I walk and then stop so I have to push him and he threw tiny chunks of bar soap at me during history class one time. He knows some of my secrets about my family and stuff and he's totally fine with it. All of my friends say that we would look cute together. I don't text him alot because he doesn't like Texting but I talk to him almost 24/7 and he is so sweet. I told his sister about how I like him and she wants me to marry him. One time my other friend told him that we would look cute together and he said that he wasn't over his last girlfriend. I know that that's not a yes, but it's not a definite no. Do you think it means that he needs more time but is interested or just didn't want to be offenseful?

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    stupidbutterflies 6 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    My situation is somewhat similar to "pleasehelp" and after reading her story and your reply I felt the need to write one of my own. I think I have known I've been gay for a few years now but have only come to accept the truth about 2 months ago after I fell for a friend of a friend...I had only hung out with her a few times previous to this one night but honestly have never felt this way about ANYONE before. I can't explain it as she is completely opposite of me in some respects but almost the same person in other ways. She puts on a b@tchy front initially but the more i've gotten to know her, the more I've learned she's really just a huge dork with self-confidence and trust issues from her previous relationship as well as her parents. She's still in love with her ex gf, who has now has a gf and hasn't spoken to her in almost 3 months, and talks about her on a regular basis with me. I've been playing the "good friend" card right now and offering her advice, as well as seeing if she's ready to move on or not.

    I like this girl a LOT and just want to tell her...but every time we have a night alone and I plan on it, her ex always gets brought up and I feel like I've been punched in the gut and no longer feel the need to say anything. It's the hardest thing in the world not telling her but if she's still in "love" with her ex and doesn't know what will get her past this, I don't know if and/or why I should tell her how I feel. We have become really good friends and I love spending time with her and feel this might be ruined if I told her how I feel about her and she doesn't feel the same...A lot of our mutual friends know that I like her and say that I would be sooo good for her, in helping her straighten out a bit after she went through a bit of a wild phase as well.

    Any advice on when to tell her? Should I wait until she gets over her ex or should I just tell her how I feel in hopes that THAT will get her past this other girl? Finding the right time to tell her has been one of the hardest things I've ever tried to figure out. Any advice would be more than welcomed!!

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    pleasehelp 6 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    Its me again. thanks so much for the reply. It really made me think things through, and in a slightly calmer way. Although thinking it through still didn't help me a lot in terms of deciding what I should do, it sure gave me more clues. When you asked me whether I've ever asked things like "what if we were a couple", i dont think I have. On the other hand, she was the one who insinuated similar things, more than once before. In more than once of our conversations in the past she 'joked' about us being lesbian couples.. but i don't really know whether it was actually a joke, or if that was a 'sign'.

    Also, lately since its been hard to get my mind off her, I've tried to be less touchy with her, otherwise I would actually go insane!! But for some reason, she on the other hand has been acting 'closer' to me. Like we were sitting on a school bus ride sharing earphones and suddenly she just hugged me from the side and said like "your so awesome" or sth like that. It felt really nice and warm, and at the moment I just wished I could have her all to myself..

    But it seems like the more I want to avoid her in a physical sense the more she wants to become closer. Its not that I want to pull away from her, I still really want to be around her, its just that thinking about her already takes up almost all of my time, how can I even function with my regular work and school with all of this in my head?

    Sometimes I wish somebody can just tell me what I can do, so that I actually have the courage to do it. Im usually a confident person, outspoken and all. But around her, or when its about her, I am so indecisive and I worry about everything, Im scared to mess our relationship up.

    But all in all i really appreciate your thoughts and advice and I am really grateful. I just hope I can sort this out, then my life would be much less drama..

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    Ianne 6 years ago

    Thank you so much EarthAngel. I really appreciate all the time, effort, and energy you give to every person here.

    I called him this morning and tell him I'm sorry I was trying not to care too much and be affectionate so much and confirmed that something was really different these past few days.

    I told him I can't do it. I cannot not tell him that I love him... I failed pretending that I don't care too much.

    He said he miss 'me'... just yesterday, he pretty much bombarded me with sweet messages and late night calls telling me he love me but I don't respond with 'I love you too.' or my usual messages to him.

    You were so 'spot on' with the mature/immature things to do. And I really thank you for that.

    EarthAngel, right now I don't know if my intentions are pure or not. There is a part of me that is holding that possibility. Though, sometimes I tell myself, it's okay if it's not with me as long as he is happy.

    One thing I know for sure with myself is that... I'm not the kind of person who would push myself to be loved by the one I love... if I get successful and we ended up together... and he's not that attracted to me... maybe he was so used to be around me... I don't think I'd be happy either.

    I want someone to need me because he love me not the other way around... love me because he need me.

    In my country, there is no divorce. So pretty much it is very important that you end up with the person you love and who loves you the same way.

    EarthAngel... I don't know how long I can stand feeling this way towards him... and I thank you very much for the "I want you to be happy . . . I want me to be happy . . . I want to still be close friends "

    Thank You and may God Bless you especially your health because you really are helping and helped a lot of people here.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest PleaseHelp,

    I saw your first comment and left you a long reply a few days ago . . . Alas, I do not see my response posted on this thread or in this Hub . . . My apologies . . .

    First of all, take a deep breath . . .

    Yes, I remember having an ardent crush on my best girlfriend when I was in my teens . . . It came out of nowhere . . . We had been friends for years . . . And then all of a sudden I couldn't keep my mind off of her . . . I spoke about her all the time . . . She was my world . . . I would have done anything for her . . .

    It helped that we were next door neighbors . . . We spent seven days a week together often sleeping with each other - never sexually . . . Our parents adored each other . . . We even had matching pets . . .

    The odd thing was neither of us was gay at the time . . . Nor did either of us grow up to be gay or bisexual - which would have been fine . . . It was just the closeness we felt to one another was nothing like anything either of us had ever experienced . . .

    In that respect, I think intense feelings for our best friends, male or female, is quite natural . . .

    Frustrating as all get-out, but natural . . .

    Are you still breathing . . . ?

    Your best friend has been pretty clear about being a "free spirit" . . . Being affectionate but not exclusive . . . Trying things out . . .

    None of us makes good decisions until we get our anxiety down to a manageable level . . . It doesn't matter how old we are or aren't . . . We have to be calm before we can be clear . . .

    Before you jeopardize a wonderful friendship, ask yourself what it is about her that draws you to her . . . ? Do you have those qualities in you? Do you want them? What else is going on in your life that contributes to the intensity . . . ?? (parents divorcing, etc.) Are there certain times or triggers when you feel closer to her than others??

    Women have an easier time sharing their intimate feelings with each other . . . Have you ever asked something like, "What if I ever really fell for you?" or so and so said, "We make a nice couple? What do you think of that?"

    If the answer is neutral or no, you must respect those boundaries . . . But you may find the answer opens a new door between the two of you . . . And a romance flourishes from there . . .

    We are all trying to find our place in the world . . . There are so many questions we have about ourselves yet to answer . . . Let alone someone else . . . Take your time . . .

    Keep breathing . . . Keep questioning . . . Keep looking for signs . . .

    I send you warm breezes, blue skies and calm seas . . . Please let me know if any of this resonated with you . . .

    Blessings always, EarthAngel . . .

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Lanne,

    Thank you so much for sharing your conflicting feelings toward your best friend . . .

    In most societies the language includes sayings like, "figure it out," or "nail it down," or "if you don't know the answer, go look it up," or "solve it quickly and move on," etc.

    Love is nothing like that . . . And we as people become really uncomfortable not having all the answers all the time . . .

    In truth, Love IS all the answers . . . But it is also ALL the questions . . .

    Wanting the object of your affections to be happy, whether with you or someone else, is a sign of maturity and understanding about Love . . .

    Changing your affectionate behavior toward your best friend without warning or explanation is not . . .

    Possibly closing others out hoping that your beloved returns the feelings is not . . .

    It reads like you and your best friend have a really good friendship . . . and I believe you prayed for he and her to work things out . . . As requested . . .

    That's one of the keys . . . Your best friend has asked you, has confided in you, to hold his relationship with another in your good graces . . . That's pretty clear on his part . . .

    If you think your feelings for him may in any way be fleeting, or motivated by something else other than pure, rich, unadulterated Love, then don't risk losing your delightful friendship if you are not sure . . .

    If you think your feelings are real and lasting and substantial Love in the romantic sense, then you need to tell him something like, "I am beginning to feel things for you that are not appropriate while you are in a relationship with someone else . . . I want you to be happy . . . I want me to be happy . . . I want to still be close friends . . . I just need to distance myself a bit for a few days or a couple of weeks until I regain my equilibrium . . . I cherish our friendship . . ."

    Let me know what you think and feel . . . I send you warmest light for peaceful resolution in your heart . . .

    Blessings always, EarthAngel . . .

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    pleasehelp 6 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    Growing up for 16 years, I was never extremely close with my family, instead i've always been more attached to my friends than to my family. But it was only 1 or so years ago that I found out I might have fallen for my best friend, whom was also a girl.

    I dont think about her in any sexual way, but I just feel this strong emotional connection that I've never experienced with anyone before, not even with the previous guys i've dated. I have tried to persuade myself that we were just extremely good friends this special bond, but sometimes I catch myself acting like a shy boy having a crush on a girl..

    I want to talk to her all the time. But every time when I pick up the phone and wanted to dial her number, I have a major dilemma, debating with myself about whether I should call or not, because I was afraid that if I called her and bothered her so much she'd think I was annoying. Therefore I every time I would have to think for a very long time before making up an excuse to call her. And I have to stage and plan my speeches, because Im so afraid of screwing anything up.

    I am not really a tomboy but I tend to act less girlish than many of my other friends, and sometimes like a 'homie'. So I tend to get a little touchy and always put my arms around her or on her shoulders. Once we were in a hotel on a school trip and her and I had to share a single bed. I remember we cuddled on the bed and it felt so warm inside. Still, nothing much sexual, but I just felt a sense of joy and happiness.

    Every weekend, I miss her. Its just two bloody days!! Sometimes I get so mad at myself for that, but I cant help it. Summer and Christmas holidays have been completely torture. I didn't get to see her for 1 month. Almost crumbled apart..

    Also I feel like im so possessive of her. When she's around her other friends I get so jealous but I just dont tell her. And a few other times it accidentally slipped my mouth and i said something like "wheres my...?" (referring to her as mine). But its true, I want her for myself. The problem is that time she got all defensive and said "im not yours.."

    Im so lost.. firstly i dont even know if all this means Im falling for her, and secondly if I am.. what should I do? tell her? Im pretty sure she's not into girls, but what's odd is that she is absolutely hot and stunning, and everybody says so. Yet she hasn't had a boyfriend for all her life. And plus she seems to be playing along with my 'touchy touchy game' pretty well..So I am completely clueless and dont know what to do.

    Another odd thing is that, more than one friend around us seems to have noticed something between my best friend and I, and have commented on our 'peculiar relationship'. So is it really THAT obvious? omg please help me its eating me away and im all in tears.. I really want to maintain good terms with her and I would die if I lost her. She is the most important thing in my life, above my parents even. Without her I wouldn't be able to function..

    I really need help right now, and would very much appreciate some advice. I don't know what to do but I know I have to do something.. be it coming clean or pulling away.. please help

    Thank you so much

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    Ianne 6 years ago

    Hi Earth Angel,

    I think I'm inlove with my childhood friend. We were each other's first crush and first love.. that I know now since he told me. We've known each other since kindergarten but they moved.

    After more than 10 years, we got reunited and our friendship deepens. When I met him, I found out from him that he's in a long-distance relationship.

    We became pretty close whenever he calls me when his girlfriend has her phone off, or not answering her phone, not replying to his text messages, and so on and so forth. I think his efforts to make their relationship work is what makes me love him more. I remember the time he called me crying when his girlfriend go abroad for a job without even telling him her departure date. She told him when she was already at the airport ready to leave!

    It sucks to know when the person you deeply love was almost always hurt by the person he deeply love. I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. There are days I can't take my mind off this visualization of kissing him. I don't know if this is normal or this is lust... I don't know.

    For us, saying 'I love you', became pretty normal. I do. I love him. And he told me he did too. And it became normal. Even the communication is always there. For him it was a reminder that somebody out there care's for me. But these past few days... I stopped the 'I love you' and sweet stuff. I became afraid that it might turn into something I can't control... like what if I can't give him up now. What if unconsciously, I'm closing my doors because I was thinking of the possibility with him... which I should not! He asked me to pray for their relationship which I did. I did! It was pretty hard to pray for the person you love success in his relationship with some other person... but as they say Love is not selfish. Love is kind. Whatever makes him happy...

    He knew something was different. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I'm confused if I should stop caring so much and telling him how I love him... or just continue what we had.

    I'm really in a confused state right now.

    Thank you Dear Angel.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Summerlovin,

    The angst we feel at newly discovered love is often sometimes more than we can bare . . .

    Having been "friends" with someone and then later "having a romantic relationship" with that someone, I will most always chose being friends . . .

    Being friends with someone has sooooooooo many more benefits than being romantically linked . . . Most of the time it is much more real . . . stable . . . enduring . . . and goes on for much longer . . .

    Don't sell yourself short . . . Popularity and attractiveness has little to do with physical beauty . . . I'm sure you know many average looking people that others flock to . . . It's their energy, their spirit, their self-confidence and that they are really pleasant to be around . . .

    Don't sell yourself short on the value of friendship either . . . Too many people like being friends so they think "more is better" . . . Often pushing for more ends the friendship . . .

    Your friend has been clear that he would "pull away" . . . You must respect his boundaries or risk losing the friendship . . .

    "I love him so much and I want him all to myself!" is not love . . . Love is not possessive in any way . . .

    You write that you have "no clue what to do anymore" Now is a good time for you to look at why you are so attracted to this particular person at this particular time . . .? What else is going on in your life that made this need to be with him pop up so intensely??

    Appreciate the friendship that you have with this special person . . . If it evolves into something more that is healthy and mutual, that is good . . . If not, please do not discount the close friendship you already have . . .

    Please keep me posted . . .

    Blessings always, EarthAngel . . .

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    Summerlovin 6 years ago

    I'm in love with my bestfriend.

    I realized I loved him one night while he was sharing his feelings about this other girl.

    I just remember thinking how lucky I am to have him in my life.

    We have kissed but recently I asked him if I were to kiss him

    What would he do. He responded with 'I'd pull away' that hurt a lot. I know this may sound dumb coming from a 17 year old girl but I love him so much and I want him all to myself ! But I know the chances of that aren't very good. I think. He does tell me he loves me though. But I think he just means as a friend. Another thing that doesn't help is, he is extremely attractive and has girls after him like crazy. I'm the averagely attractive girl, nothing spectacular about me and my logic is, he could get models and whoever he wanted why would he settle for someone like me ? Please help me solve this I have no clue what to do anymore

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    pleasehelp 6 years ago

    Dear Earth Angel,

    Its nearly 3 in the morning in my place and I've read through this entire hub page in one go. I think the world should be thankful for having such an angel like you who devote time to help out poor souls like us. I was really hoping you can give me some advice on this.

    I'm a girl, 16 years old. Growing up, I was never extremely close with my family, instead i've always been more attached to my friends than to my family. But it was only 1 or so years ago that I found out I might have fallen for my best friend, whom was also a girl.

    I dont think about her in any sexual way, but I just feel this strong emotional connection that I've never experienced with anyone before, not even with the previous guys i've dated. I have tried to persuade myself that we were just extremely good friends this special bond, but sometimes I catch myself acting like a shy boy having a crush on a girl..

    I want to talk to her all the time. But every time when I pick up the phone and wanted to dial her number, I have a major dilemma, debating with myself about whether I should call or not, because I was afraid that if I called her and bothered her so much she'd think I was annoying. Therefore I every time I would have to think for a very long time before making up an excuse to call her. And I have to stage and plan my speeches, because Im so afraid of screwing anything up.

    I am not really a tomboy but I tend to act less girlish than many of my other friends, and sometimes like a 'homie'. So I tend to get a little touchy and always put my arms around her or on her shoulders. Once we were in a hotel on a school trip and her and I had to share a single bed. I remember we cuddled on the bed and it felt so warm inside. Still, nothing much sexual, but I just felt a sense of joy and happiness.

    Every weekend, I miss her. Its just two bloody days!! Sometimes I get so mad at myself for that, but I cant help it. Summer and Christmas holidays have been completely torture. I didn't get to see her for 1 month. Almost crumbled apart..

    Also I feel like im so possessive of her. When she's around her other friends I get so jealous but I just dont tell her. And a few other times it accidentally slipped my mouth and i said something like "wheres my...?" (referring to her as mine). But its true, I want her for myself. The problem is that time she got all defensive and said "im not yours.."

    Im so lost.. firstly i dont even know if all this means Im falling for her, and secondly if I am.. what should I do? tell her? Im pretty sure she's not into girls, but what's odd is that she is absolutely hot and stunning, and everybody says so. Yet she hasn't had a boyfriend for all her life. And plus she seems to be playing along with my 'touchy touchy game' pretty well..So I am completely clueless and dont know what to do.

    Another odd thing is that, more than one friend around us seems to have noticed something between my best friend and I, and have commented on our 'peculiar relationship'. So is it really THAT obvious? omg please help me its eating me away and im all in tears.. I really want to maintain good terms with her and I would die if I lost her. She is the most important thing in my life, above my parents even. Without her I wouldn't be able to function..

    Im so sorry if i'm rambling on and on and on, but I really need help right now, and would very much appreciate some advice. Thank you so much for your time and effort helping all of us out here who don't know what to do.

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    Guest_S 6 years ago

    Earth Angel,

    I am encouraged to see all of your advice and hope that you can help me!

    I am a 20 year old male in college and I am head over heels crazy about my best friend. I've been in many relationships, even thought that I was in love before, and no girl has made me feel like this girl does.

    We met at the beginning of this school year and became study partners, along with doing just about everything else together (non-romantically). One day she told me that I was her best friend and that she loves me (non-romantically again) and I returned her sentiments.

    The problem is while yes, she is definitely my best friend in this world, I have had feelings for her since the day that I met her. I never told her because she has had a boyfriend for the entire year. She tells me everything and I tell her everything that I can without revealing how I feel. Now they are kind of on-again off-again and I don't know if this is the right time to tell her how I feel.

    Without saying the words I have tried to express the way that I feel about her: Taking her out, gifts and flowers for no reason, taking her to dinner on Valentine's day when her sad excuse for a boyfriend did not even ask her, fielding her crying phone calls at all hours of the night...you get the idea.

    Sometimes I think that she might feel the same way about me...based on how she acts...while other times I think that she just wants to be friends. I am very confused. I feel like I will explode if I do not tell her the way I feel about her, but I never want to lose her as a friend.

    Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!

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    Anabellle  6 years ago

    Yes, as you have expected, I have fallen for my best guy friend. (Keep in mind that this is teenage 'love'.) He sits near me in everyclass we have together, and we text/chat everyday. We also hang out every weekend, playing sports... So I don't know if this means he likes me, or if we truly are best friends. I would tell him how I felt, but I am a bit concerned that I may be rushing it since I've only been at this school for three months; but we're really close and have everything in common. (And another problem is that I have bad experiences with telling people I like them- but he's definitely different from the others I liked previously.)

    Do you have any advice? I would love for us to become something more, but then again I am really happy with having him as a friend, so I dont want to risk anything...

    -Anabelle

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Lea,

    I am so very sorry that you are caught up in such a toxic nightmare . . . Writing to me is a good first step in recognizing this situation is out of control . . .

    Please take my words seriously . . . You need to stop participating in self-destructive behaviors . . . Love does not hurt . . . ever . . . What you are experiencing is not Love . . . and deep in your heart you know it . . .

    Reaching out to someone online is a good first step . . . It means you are ready to end the toxic cycle and look for answers . . . It means you are ready to take your life back . . . Life and Love are about JOY, not pain . . .

    Life is a precious gift . . . Tens of thousands of good people lost their lives in an instant in Japan . . . Do you really want to waste the life (and education) you have been given by drinking, drugging, sexing and crying in a locked bathroom wrapped around a toilet . . . ?

    Is that the highest and best vision you have for your life?

    Please seek immediate help from an adult you trust . . . You are out of control of your own life . . .

    Is there someone close by, but not caught up in this drama, you can talk with? A parent or older sibling? A teacher or counselor your like? The uni nurse? A minister? A trusted family friend?

    Neither of you will be able to help the other without stepping out of this unhealthy cycle . . . Nor will you be able to help yourself by remaining in these unhealthy situations . . .

    You have taken the first step by writing . . . But writing to a stranger has too many limitations for your situation . . .

    I know you are strong enough to take the second step . . . Connecting in person to someone you trust who can provide you solid help . . .

    Please let me know who you were able to connect with and start the road back to Love and Joy that is real . . .

    You are in my thoughts and prayers . . . EarthAngel . . .

    www.nvf.org

    www.synctherapy.com

    www.lighthouse-services.com

    www.hotlinecounseling.com

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    Lea 6 years ago

    Earth Angel

    I've been in love with my best friend for nearly 2 years now. We were at the same sixth form but never really talked until i had a party. TThat night everyone got drunk and she started talking to me and we just hit it off. I just felt drawn to her. Since then we've been bascally attached at the hip.

    It's driven me mad for so long. It doesn't help that she's increadibly touchy feely, holds hands with me, cuddles me in bed and sometimes half kisses me when we're drunk in clubs and no ones watching. Everyone else makes couple jokes about us and even our parents have asked several times.

    i've always known i was bi (none of my school friends do), but i rea;;y don't think she is. We joke about it, but i feel like even if she was she wouldn't say anything.

    It got more and more out of control and when we're out and i see her kissing random guys in clubs (sometimes while holding my hand or after kissing me somewhere quiter) i end up getting really drunk or getting with someone myself totry and make myself feel better. I did that for a week when we went on holiday with a huge group of people before uni. I'm not proud of it but it seems like a sort of escape.

    we're both at uni in the same city now and it's just gotten worse. we see each other all the time still which is probably not helping me get over it but i can't help myself. about a month ago my building had a flat party and she got drunk and slept with a guy which shocked me because she'd only had sex once before and that was about 4 years before. i'd left the party early because i saw the guy trying to flirt with her and i didn't want to be aorund it. She called after me but i didn't listen.

    she came into my room the next day and told me. She then told me it was my fault it had happened, but wouldn't expand on that. she said she was sorry and that she'd make it up to me. I believed her but then she was upset about a family issue a few weeks ago and the same thing happened. She literally ditched me at a party for someone and slept with him in his room while i looked after her passed out friend who i'd never met before in a house full of strangers. She came back to where about 2 hours later and i tried tp ignroe her.

    She kept calling me over and looked so upset i finally agreed to go sit with her in the bathroom where she locked us in, burst into tears and started cuddling me and saying how sorry she was. i forgave her like i always do.

    i don't know what to do, it's literally killing me inside every time we have these same old arguments about how we hate anyone that the other gets with. should i tell her to at least get closure?

    I don't know how she'll react. I don't want to lose our friendship and i can't not have her in my life, she's literally my everything. Which is why i can't stand seeing her get with people that mean nothing to her and that don't care about her either. She deserves someone that does care.

    But then again it may be unfair on me to stay in this toxic circle. And it's been unfair on her that she doesn't know the truth.

    i know i have to do something. i'm sick of all of it. of coming home crying constantly. i'm sick of hurting, of feeling empty and like i'm literally suffocating.

    she seems to hurt me constantly. But still i love her. i'd die for her. She's both the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

    any advice at all would be really appreciated.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest StoneRunner,

    So nice to meet the 'voice of wisdom' I knew was hiding inside you all along . . . You are most welcome for any insights I may have been able to pass along . . .

    Just think: you may have passed Eckhart Tolle in a hallway and never given it a second thought . . . And now you may be continents apart but more intimately connected . . .

    We are all connected in ways we have yet to learn about . . . It is why when we truly 'listen' to each other we can hear our own heart beating . . .

    There are many paths that lead to enlightenment . . . When I have lost my way and all seems dark, there are those who have shared their light with me . . . Until I could once again find it on my own . . .

    That's what we do when we can . . . We hold the light for others until they can find their own light again . . . And we accept the light from others when we seem to have misplaced our own . . .

    You will do fine when you once again see your beloved tomorrow . . . She may even notice an attractive difference in you she can't quite put her finger on . . . but she will be drawn to just the same . . .

    If at any time you feel the pull of the old pattern, just take a deep breath . . . The breath always brings us back to the present moment . . . And the pain-body cannot function in the present moment . . .

    A wise old soul said, "It is friends that make marriages work" . . . And it took me years to understand that . . .

    It's true, we can work out our angst and insecurities with friends (or Hubber) and then return to our beloved's more centered and more sure . . . more of who we really are . . .

    Books like Eckhart Tolle's are why I became a publisher . . . He wrote those words years ago and they still have profound power to shed wisdom and light . . .

    Pass it along gentle soul . . . In whatever way works best for you . . . And please keep me posted with the good news . . .

    Blessings to you always, EarthAngel

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    StoneRunner 6 years ago

    Earth Angel,

    I owe you a great debt of gratitude for putting me on a path to finding the way to bring me back to myself.

    Over the last couple of days I have taken on board what you suggested about the pain body and made a start on reading the work of Eckhart Tolle. Much of what he writes resonates strongly with me. As an aside, it turns out I was reading Mathematics at King's College, London at the same time Eckhart was there. Though he was some years older than me, I can't recall ever meeting him.

    I have now come to understand how my ego and pain body have been making me feel these last few weeks. That awareness in itself brings a calmer acceptance of how things are now rather than stressing over how I would like them to be. I am shedding the neediness and self-doubt; I am becoming my rational self again. I may not be all the way there yet but I feel I am making progress.

    That is not to say that I have let go of the hope that me and my love can find a way to get together for I have not. I just feel much less attached to that imagined ideal I am striving for at some unknown future time. Also, I can foresee that if we do get together, after the initial bliss, a whole new set of expectations will be created and possibly (probably?) more stress. It doesn't bear thinking about. Much better to savour the time we spend together by being present in the moment, me accepting her for who she is and without imposing my hopes for our future on the situation. Whatever happens will happen; it will happen naturally with mutual respect and love. But it will now happen with the concious knowledge and understanding that the weight of thoughts of past experiences and the pressure of future expectations and the intense feelings that result may cause pain for us both. I understand now how that process works but also that there are ways of overcoming it. Hopefully, this will provide a key to us both finding a fulfilling life either together or leading our separate lives. Whatever the outcome, my love will always be with her.

    I am so glad she has not actually witnessed the deep emotional response that the situation has caused in me. She knows I am upbeat and happy when I am with her but not that I have been down and emotional when not. I have not seen her since last weekend, but we will be seeing each other tomorrow. I am wondering what my reaction to that will be in the following days; it will be a real test to see how far I have actually come.

    Peace and love.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings to you dearest Charlie . . .

    Yes, the gap was entirely my fault . . . My apologies to both you and to Pete . . . Were you ever able to connect with each other . . . ?

    Yes, there is a pattern . . . You hit the nail on the head . . . As I have been dialoging with StoneRunner above, we are attracted to that which we need to heal in ourselves . . .

    It is sooooooooooooo hard to see sometimes . . . I've been at this practice for years and it still catches me off guard sometimes . . .

    There are people who just get my dander up . . . They are small and close-minded and immature and ego-driven and they hurt others with their lack of awareness . . . And they infuriate me . . .

    I stew in that for awhile . . . Sometimes a few minutes . . . or a few hours . . . or a few days . . . Recently I found one issue so egregiously hurtful to others I stewed about it for months . . .

    Then as life so beautifully does, it turns the mirror back on ourselves . . .

    "How can that be??" I ask myself, "I am not a hateful arrogant coward who goes around taking advantage of others!!"

    It's true, I am not . . . But there have been times (maybe to a lesser extent) I have been full of fear and made choices to react to someone from that place of darkness . . .

    I can be judgmental about what is 'right' and what is 'wrong' and often forget those 'absolutes' are nothing more than my 'opinion' based on my own upbringing and 'conditioning' . . .

    There are times I rant to my Spiritual Teacher . . . Talk about being disrespectful, immature and close-minded (me) . . . The light bulb eventually goes off in my blonde brain and I realize the sheer folly of my madness . . .

    So just think about these few things without believing or disbelieving . . . Just hold them as an 'open question' . . . The answers will come . . .

    Yes, there are patterns . . . The reason they keep repeating is because we haven't yet learned the lesson . . . Once we learn the lesson, the pattern disappears all on its own . . .

    No, no one can make you feel bad about yourself . . . Ever . . . What happens is we give others 'opinion' of us more weight than the opinion we have of ourselves . . .

    If someone else's 'mean streak' has caught your attention . . . look inside yourself to see if you have been mean in any way, even just thoughts, to anyone else . . .

    If someone else's being 'emotionally closed off' has peaked your attention . . . look inside yourself to see if you have closed yourself off, even a little, to anyone else . . .

    By anyone else I don't mean just the person you are thinking of . . . Anyone else includes parents, siblings, teachers, workers, people you don't like, etc. . . .

    I promise you, you may not like what you see at first . . . But it is the only way 'through' the challenge . . . And the only way to 'break the pattern' . . .

    Let me know how you do with that . . . Keep me posted . . .

    I send you warm thoughts for warm relationships always, EarthAngel . . .

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    Charlie 6 years ago

    Hi Angel

    I'm lost on what to do since we last messaged. I have had a situation with my friend Elli which has made me question things in relationships which I can't get my head around!

    I have been in love twice, with Elli and another friend but both have simular traits. They're both emotionally closed off, like when I try to reach out to them when they go through bad periods and just close off. Both have had lesbian relationships and both have tendencies to have mean streaks to make me feel bad about myself.

    I don't know if I look into things to much and being silly or theres some sort of pattern going on?!

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings of Love and Insight to you StoneRunner . . .

    My apologies for the delayed response . . . My Internet connection has gone down twice in the middle of responding to your last comment . . .

    Thank you so much for opening your heart and sharing the raw underbelly that often accompanies new feelings for another . . . Each time we risk to open and share, there are many who benefit, not just ourselves . . . In this way we help raise the consciousness of all . . .

    It took me years to grasp the concept of the pain-body . . . (I am very literal and my body had no pains) . . . It's like a 'body of pain' that is a part of us yet separate . . . intangible, it often goes unnoticed for long periods of time . . . Like a shadow in a mirror, we only catch glimpses . . . And sometimes not even glimpses, we see its effects only as a reaction in others . . .

    You seem to have understood it quite readily by the history you so kindly and openly shared . . . Thank you . . .

    It does appear that you and your beloved do share quite a few profound pain-body experiences . . .

    The pain-body is like a group of unpleasant memories . . . Some unpleasing memories, like not scoring well on a test or in a basketball game, are more easily accepted as part of life and we move on without too much angst or permanent scarring . . . Unless of course the test was the L-SATS . . . or it was the final basket of the season for the championship . . .

    It's not the memories per se, it's the story we tell ourselves about the memories . . . It's the weight we give them in the story of our lives . . . It's the timing of the event combined with our need at the moment . . .

    When we are young and going through awkward phases (and we all do) it is really nice for life to present us with opportunities to shine . . . At the same time I developed acne, I won a statewide writing competition . . .

    When life presents us with double/triple whammies when we are feeling most vulnerable . . . i.e. my boyfriend dumped me . . . for my best-friend . . . who last week ran over my cat . . . plus out of the blue my parents have decided to get a divorce . . . What gets imprinted upon our souls (really our egos) can last a lifetime . . .

    Other than lessons learned, there is no reason to hold onto the 'less mature interpretation' of what happened if it doesn't suit you anymore . . .

    The pain-body, other than providing reason for growth, serves no other purpose . . . When the growth happens, let the pain-body go . . . Simple awareness of its presence is all that is needed for it to disappear . . . (Don't worry, it will return in another area . . . It's a life long process . . . )

    If you go back and read your comments as though someone else wrote them, I think you will be amazed at what jumps out at you . . .

    What I read in one paragraph is from a mature, insightful, introspective, clearly charming, thoughtful, well-written person . . .

    Another paragraph refers to relationships having an element of competition . . . which they do when we are less evolved . . . As we mature we learn that Love isn't about winning and losing . . .

    Also, those intense feelings we have as young adults experiencing first love never come again in the same way . . . Raging hormones and all new experiences/feelings on a clean slate are not repeated . . .

    Your first comment sounded like it was from a young adult, maybe 18-20 years old . . . And it was . . . But if you keep reading your comments, they have matured as you gain understanding of your own process . . .

    What may be driving you crazy may not be your beloved . . . But that several very real parts of you are taking turns at the wheel . . .

    We all do it . . . Myself included . . . It's one of the reasons I became a writer/author . . . To get a balanced view of my internal landscape on any given subject I write and then let it sit . . . for an hour, a day, a week or sometimes years . . .

    Anything I publish has been written and edited and rewritten from my many moods, perspectives, filters, experiences . . . It's a lengthy process - but so well worth the effort . . . What ferments becomes a robust, complex fine wine with congruent notes . . . That started out as an ugly crushed grape . . .

    Ask yourself, “How would I be feeling about this situation if my previous experiences had been different?”

    I look forward to hearing from you and continuing this dialog . . .

    Blessings always, EarthAngel . . .

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    StoneRunner 6 years ago

    Earth Angel,

    I am not sure how much of this I really want to share but I really need to get to the end of this process and sort my head out.

    The last time I felt like this was when I was at university. I was a very awkward, 20 year old shy guy and very inexperienced with dating and women in general. I obsessed about a girl for several months, spending a lot of time with her but never even attempting to progress from friendship even though it was what I desperately wanted. As was to be expected, she grew impatient, found someone else and I never saw her again. I eventually I married and was happy for 20 years followed by a painful divorce but never I felt the intensity that I had with the girl from university. As I mentioned in a previous post losing out to someone else happened again a few years ago with the current object of my desire. I now have second opportunity with this one and don't want to let it go without giving things a chance to develop this time.

    The pain body theory is a very intresting one and at first sight may be one worthy of exploration.

    My first thoughts are to do with my relationship with my parents. They are both now in their 80s and still fit and healthy. They live close by and I visit them once or twice a week but I have never really felt part of a close knit family. I have never felt really loved particularly by my mother who was always the dominant personality. I suspect the underlying reason for this is that I am the eldest, only male, and was conceived outside marriage. For the sake of decency (this was the 1950s) my parents had a shotgun wedding. Subsequently, they had 3 daughters and they all appear to have a good relationship and always have had. As a child I was always encouraged to occupy and entertain myself while the girls were given most of the attention. Even now I always seem to be almost an external observer. I can not ever remember my parents overtly showing any kind of affection towards each other either verbally or physically. I always wondered why they have stayed together so long. Also, I thought this could be the root cause of me being painfully introverted for much of my early life.

    Over the years, I have had a number of conversations with my friend over about her childhood and met her parents on a couple of occasions. Her mother was and is still very much the dominant personality and not at all maternal. For the mother, having children was apparently something that was done because it was what married couples did. I have heard of several things that happened during my friends childhood that border on neglect and she has clearly still not forgotten or forgiven these. She still has issues with her mother and this also plays a key part in the family issues I referred to earlier.

    I guess this is the kind of thing you are talking about. There is clearly at least a superficial level of commonality in there so maybe there is some truth in what you say.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Ahhhhhhh Blessings Again StoneRunner . . .

    So nice to hear the wisdom of a gentleman taking center stage in your words . . . Your second comment sounds much more grounded and more in line with someone who has been blessed by years of experience . . .

    If writing helps, please keep writing . . . either on HubPages or just in your own private journal . . . It is my way through everything in life . . . I keep writing until whatever I am pondering begins to make sense . . .

    One question I would ask you to ponder is when in your life was the last time you felt this way?? Specifically?? And what was the outcome?

    My intuition tells me this situation has triggered something buried in your past - probably around high school or college - and it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to . . .

    We all get 'hooked' at various times by unsuspecting opportunities in life . . . Before we know it, as normally sane rational people, we are obsessing and worrying and 'racked with self-doubt' . . . These are all signs that 'our highest and best self' may not be at the controls in that moment . . .

    Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now and A New Earth, speaks eloquently of something he calls 'the pain-body' . . . Disappointments big and small, traumatic events, or even the smallest slight from someone when we are young, can take up residence in our personalities and egos without us being much aware of them . . .

    How we become aware of them is usually by some unexpected trigger . . . Someone else with the same trigger points as our own is most powerful . . .

    How we know it's the pain-body is we begin to act out of character, we can't think of anything else, we begin to fear rejection in disproportion, we don't know what the answer is, we don't know if we should move forward or backward, we don't know black from white, our thoughts become jumbled in that area, when we can be quite sane and highly functional in all other areas . . .

    I had it happen just recently . . . A man I met and was doing some real estate business with suddenly became front and center in my life . . . He would show up announced, always happy and courteous, but very focused on me . . . It wasn't long before his moods became a bit more unpredictable . . . And I could tell when he looked at me, he wasn't really seeing me - I reminded him of someone or something unfinished . . . It began to negatively impact our work together . . .

    I was not a happy camper . . . I wanted our business arrangement to be mutually beneficial so I hung in there . . . Some days were great and we moved ten steps forward . . . But come night fall, and maybe he had a few glasses of wine, his emails to me were completely out of context . . . We'd have to take a few days break and then I would try again . . .

    After a few times of this dance I began to think this highly intelligent, well-educated, very successful man was crazy as a loon . . .

    In some respects he was . . . It took me awhile to realize that the rational intelligent man I was trying to do business with was just fine . . . But something about me triggered his 'pain-body' and he was like two polar opposite people . . . Without awareness, the pain-body always wins control of the person . . .

    There's more . . . Once I could start identifying 'his pain-body' I had to realize my 'pain-body' must be triggered as well . . . That's how most people come together at first -- it's that 'recognition' we all crave . . . That 'this person gets me' wonderful feeling . . . More times than not, it's two complimentary 'pain-bodies' drawn to one another . . .

    Completely unbeknownst to me, my pain-body was trying to work out some long ago forgotten issues with my father . . . Whom I adored and has been dead for many years . . . . I am quite self-aware and I missed it completely . . .

    Pain-bodies look for and recognize specific situations/people/events that draw them together in ways out of character . . . Out of proportion . . . And both sides 'play' . . . If there is only one side involved, the trigger quickly fades . . .

    That is not to say that two people who come together with complimentary pain-body issues as a component don't wind up happily married . . . They do . . . But it takes a lot of awareness to heal the issues and move on to deeper substance . . .

    The best case scenario is for two adult people to have already worked out most of their issues before getting involved with each other . . . Unfortunately that is rarely the case . . .

    We can however, take full responsibility for uncovering the root of our angst . . . before acting out, even lovingly, on another . . .

    Give that some thought . . . see if any of it resonates with you . . . I know you have written twice that this really has a hold of you . . . You know there is something going on with your feelings you can't quite explain . . .

    If you feel resistance to the idea, that's okay . . . . Just leave it as an open question . . .

    I must run to a meeting . . . Please keep me posted . . . Friendship is a wonderful foundation for a romance . . . Pain-body, not so much . . .

    Blessings be with you, EarthAngel . . .

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    StoneRunner 6 years ago

    Earth Angel,

    thank you for the time you have taken to respond and the sage advice you have offered.

    I am usually a very self-confident, grounded, rational person that usually keeps his feelings internalised and well hidden but this has taken over my life. I am racked with self-doubt. This is not something that has happened to me in 30 years and I have not dealt with it at all well but just writing about it has been a cathartic exercise.

    I am absolutely clear that I want to be with and care for this woman unconditionally today, tomorrow and into whatever the future holds for both of us. What is not clear to me yet is what she wants at this point in time. If entering into a relationship is not her choice then, as a friend, I will always be there for her whenever she needs me. I also realise that once feelings are in the open there is no going back and everything will change between us and that continuing the freindship we have now may not be possible.

    If we ever get it together, I suspect the timing of the announcment my feelings is key. As I wrote earlier she has recently come out of a long-term relationship, she has other emotional things going on with her family not to mention a stressful job and maybe a combination of these things is resulting in the mixed messsages. I do not want to add to the emotional stress she is currently experiencing which I may well do if I suddenly expose the extent of my feelings with a consequent negative fallout.

    At no time have I had any expectation that things will work out between us but I do harbor hopes that we may be on the cusp of something very special. I have been around a long time, been married, raised kids and been divorced. I know what commitment means, the stresses relationships exert and that it takes two who want to make this work. I am all too aware that there is no hope if all the feelings are on one side.

    Letting things unfold slowly and naturally, being easy on the intensity and allowing her space is the path that I have been trying to follow. As you suggest I will probably continue this way but guide it to a decision point where we can mutually agree to either remain friends or go all out for a relationship. Over the years it has been hard not being too open about how I really feel about her and especially so over the last few weeks. I guess waiting a little while longer will not be easy but the potential reward is immense.

    Peace and love.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest StoneRunner . . .

    My heart is with you as you battle internal angst about a relationship that means the world to you . . . I too am single and in my mid-fifties . . . The beginnings of a new romance can often reduce us to adolescent-type insecurities . . .

    We are blessed to have lived long enough and been through enough life experiences to see the folly in letting our teenage-brain take over . . .

    Love and romance and sexuality have part of their foundation in our child-like aspects, as well as our dreams and hopes . . . They are to be honored . . . but not given the steering wheel . . .

    Love has no angst . . . zero . . . none . . . Love is in itself complete and whole and without confusion . . .

    Angst comes from our hopes, fears and expectations regarding love and the profound desire for the returned affections from our beloved . . .

    Angst clouds our ability to communicate clearly . . . Especially with those whom we feel the stakes are highest . . . And we often it make things worse before we can make them better . . .

    My suggestion would be to take some time to truly get clear with yourself and your intentions . . . Without knowing it, you may be sending mixed signals yourself . . .

    "I want to be close to you . . . I don't want to be rejected . . ." You both may be sending inconguent messages to each other . . . We all know what it's like to feel that the other person is not being "totally honest" with us . . . We can't quite put our finger on it, but we know not to trust it . . . That is the kiss of death for any budding romance . . .

    Get clear with yourself, put adolenscent longings in proper perspective, release all expectations, focus on Love only . . . And set up some time for just the two of you . . . Let things unfold naturally . . .

    Please keep me posted . . . I hope this is the start of something truly magical . . . and real . . .

    Blessings always, EarthAngel . . .

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    StoneRunner 6 years ago

    Hey Earth Angel,

    I have read this blog with much interest and but with a great deal of angst in my heart.

    I am a single guy in his mid-fifties with quite a few female friends who I get on with very well as purely friends. I think they all sense that I am not a threat to them excepting one that I have been in desperately love with for about 6 years now. How I feel about her has never been purely about physical attraction, although she is very cute, it is all about who she is, how she thinks, how she treats people, her infectious sense of fun, we share common values and enjoy the same things, we often know what each other is thinking without saying a word. The list goes on. Even so, we are very different people but we complement each other; her strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. I have dated several other women during this time but my thoughts always, always turn back to her. However, she is a very good freind and although I would like her to be so much more I do not want to lose our unique friendship.

    She was single when I first fell for her but I had just about come to terms with the breakup of a relationship and I wasn't quite ready to jump in with both feet. Anyhow, by the time I got round developing a stronger bond between us she had started seeing a guy many years younger than herself. This relationship has been on and off ever since but finally broke up just before Christmas with a lot of emotional fallout. It never seemed to me that their relationship was ever going to last as it was always kinda secretive and they were hardly ever seen anywhere together socially. I have never expressed any judgement on it to her but I know many of her close friends told her they disapproved of this guy, not that he was a bad guy in any way but that the whole thing was never going anywhere.

    Over the years I have spent numerous times away on vacation with her and other friends and I have always tried to respect the fact she was taken and kept my distance emotionally. Her BF never came. During our skiing trip in February though, things were starting to change between us. She hardly left my side all week and had become a lot more tactile than ever before and allowed me to do little favors for her which she would never have done in the past; she is also very independent. Aside from the breakup she had other things going on in her life that were causing her stress and I sensed that she may have unresolved emotions and that it was too early to make any move. The last thing I want is to freak her out and make the dynamic between us awkward. I determined that I would let things happen naturally and slowly progess over a period of time rather than blurting out how I felt.

    Since then, I have really got it bad for her, worse than ever. I have no doubt that she senses that I would like to take it to the next level but I do not think she knows the true depth of my feelings. I have spent the last two weeks being totally consumed by my internal dialogue asking "When are you going to tell her?", "Will she feel the same way?", "What are the implications for our social circle?" and not least "How would I deal with her rejection?"

    Last weekend we were away together with friends again. Her closest female freinds have become much more freindly with me; I am accepted and included in ways I never have been in the past. Although nothing has been said by me they sense and know. On Saturday she was very talkative and tactile and I was feeling very positive about the prospect that we were finally getting close to making that breakthrough but on Sunday she was cold and unreceptive. Last night we exchanged a number of emails but it was all superficial stuff.

    I am now on an emotional rollercoaster and finding it difficult to keep any kind of perspective on any of this. I am now looking for any detail of what she says or how she behaves that shows me beyond doubt she feels something for me but everything she does or says seems to be contradictory. I don't want to come across to her as being too intense neither do I want to appear to disinterested. One day I am on top of the world, the next in the depths of despair. Where is the balance in all this?

    I would do anything for this woman, including accepting that I need to let go if she doesn't feel the same way but I also want to give us the best possible chance of working things out. It feels like us getting together is within touching distance but still so far away.

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Charlie and Pete . . .

    Thank you so much for your comments . . . And sharing with each other . . . My computer time is limited over the next couple of days but wanted you both to know I read every word . . . And my warmest thoughts are with you for clarity and guidance and insight . . .

    Please feel free to connect with each other through this Hub . . . I will pipe back in later this week . . .

    Blessings always for Love . . . EarthAngel . . .

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    Charlie 6 years ago

    Just read your comment Pete and I know how you feel, I hope it works out for you.

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    Charlie1986 6 years ago

    Sorry my story telling is crap, always seem to miss bits! Lol. We are both 25 and met in college 9 years ago and her sister is really her half sister. And when I talk about relationships I mean boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, which 4 months was the longest.

    I don't mean to be negative, I always like to see the positive of everything but my love life is a joke! Been dumped for God by a text message and turned a straight women gay!

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    Pete 6 years ago

    Hey again Earth Angel,

    I'm unsure of when I will see her next. The last couple weeks have been really hard for me. Knowing I'm actually in love with her and getting confused by her actions. This has made me nervous and scared. So I have been avoiding her for the following reasons. I know answering the question " does she like me?" is hard to answer when all you have is a paragraph. But it would really help me out if you could point out a couple things which help best friends distinguish if their friend likes them more than friends.

    I have tried to read majority of this thread/Hub but its so much and couldn't find any i could relate to fully.

    Looking forward for your pointers

    Thanks,

    pete

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Hello Again Pete!

    Glad some of my comments resonated with you! Remember, love is generous and doesn't expect anything in return!

    Sure, I have many, many, many suggestions for how to gain insights into how the object of your affections may be feeling in return! For an in-depth list read the comments above! I have been writing suggestions on that very subject for people on this Hub for over three years!

    There are hundreds of ways to gain clues and insights!

    In short, it doesn't need to be an 'all or nothing' conversation! It's not a choice between 'keeping quiet' or 'letting it all gush out!'

    It is good that you are being sensitive to her position as well! I wrote this Hub for the very reason that too many of my male friends have tried to step over my sacred boundaries in their want for more than just our friendship!

    I do not appreciate it! I do not want it! I have been quite clear ~~ I do not find it flattering at all ~~ I find it insulting ~~ I am quite capable of making my own decisions ~~ no one knows what is best for me other than myself! There have been many times I was left no choice but to end the friendship!

    Having said that, it doesn't sound like that is the case between you and your intended!?

    How about a simple opener like, "I had a dream we were more than just friends ~~ and I liked it ~~ What do you think of that? Have you ever thought of us as more than just friends?" See where the conversation goes!

    Go to a romantic movie with a happy ending and talk about the leading love characters!

    Casually touch her hand while walking and see if she slips her hand in yours!

    Tell her how beautiful she is and kiss her on the cheek; she may kiss you right back!

    The beginings of a relationship can be awkward and unsure and unsettling and a bit messy ~~ They are for everyone!

    Please keep me posted! When is the next time you see each other?

    Blessings, EarthAngel!

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings of peace and calm be with you Charlie!

    It appears that your heart is feeling an urgency! Of course love is a friend of yours! No, you should not be selfish! And no, good guys do not finish last!

    I'm a little confused; you are both beyond college years yet she has a 13 year old sister? (That's a big spread in years?) And you have both graduated from college so you are at least in your twenties, but your longest relationship has been four months?

    Charlie, something is not adding up!?

    You sound like a wonderful and charming human being! Take a deep breath and have a little faith in yourself! Otherwise you will send the same kind of mixed messages to your beloved!

    Please keep me posted! Deep breath! Love is not so filled with angst! It's beautiful and loving and kind and patient! And good guys finish first!!

    Blessings always, EarthAngel!

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    Pete 6 years ago

    Hey EarthAngel again,

    Thank you for the kind words and your wisdom! I agree with all your comments.

    I would like to add to my previous comment.

    Do you have any tips or suggestions for me, on how to figure out if my best friend would be interested in me or signs I could look for?. I have thought long and hard about what I would say to her. I would tell her exactly how I feel from the heart. Only problem I have is I really don't know if she feels the same way about me. I'm not scared of rejection cause it wouldn't change my state at the moment. If you could help me out with your own past experiences. To try and help me figure out if she likes me more than friends. I don't wanna just tell her I do and for her to feel awkward and for us to lose our friendship!

    Thanks

    Pete

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    Charlie 6 years ago

    I believe we are moving on in a happy way but my only question is in what way?! We have had discussions about relationships since we have got back in touch and she talks about having a relationship with older man with lots of money as money has been a issue in past relationships. All of her past relationships have never been kind to her as most of her ex's have been selfish.

    I hate bragging about myself but I am the least selfish person who would proberbly ever meet, that would do anything for my friends. So with all this said, am I wrong type? Should I be more selfish? The only one that knows I like her other than me is her 13 year old sister, who loves to brag about it. Plus I have mentioned to her years ago that I had a crush on her back in college!

    Its the same old story as good guys always finish last! I have had 2 relationships in the past, the longest being 4 months long and both being unkind experiences. I have learnt alot from watching and listening from other relationships around me, giving good advice to other friends but never have the chance to use and learn from my own. I'm beggining to believe that love is no friend of mine but at the back of my head beliving that all the waiting in my life, this could be the one I have been waiting for.

    Charlie

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings of happy events Charlie!

    None of what you wrote seems to indicate anything to be unhappy about!? You are both moving forward toward each other in a wonderful way!? Am I missing something?

    Please let me know! EarthAngel!

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    Charlie 6 years ago

    I am stuck and don't know what to do! I'm not shy as this is my real name and part of me is hoping that my friend will be thinking the same thing as me and will look up similar posts as me in the attempt that she finds my name on this post!

    I have been friends with my friend Elli for 9 years now and in need of some advice. I met Elli when I was in college and she was flirting with someone else really badly and from that moment I felt the butterfly feelings, that everything for a split second stood still. I took the guts to say hello and made myself look like a rite tit but luckily enough she would past saying hello and having brief conversations with me. She saved my life when I was at my lowest point, giving me the biggest hug when I needed it badly. She moved away after 2 months of knowing each other, moving from place to place but we would always keep in touch by texts or MSN.

    9 years later and I was seeing my ex at time who had the knack of making me feel crap about myself. After spending a horrible evening and even worse morning with the ex I got a text message from Elli to say that she would be attending a graduate scheme event and if I fancyed going, so I took the opportunity and thought lives to short. We caught up after not seeing each other for 9 years and those old teenage feeling crept back again. We spent the whole day at the event, which if I had to go by myself I would probably hang myself! Lol. We went for drinks afterwards, catching up with the good and the bad in our lives. After separating our own ways I sent a text to say I had a lovely time and she did the same back.

    Weird thing following after the whole contacting each other scernario, she had the knack to text me when I was always at my lowest point with my ex and without fail always cheered me up. I wanted to get away from everything and went to visit her in her hometown and stay with her and her mother. I got on with the mum like a house on fire and spent a fantastic weekend with the both of them. This was followed by meeting her other half of the family, sisters, father, and the fathers wife who I had dinner with. All of this was followed by her staying at my house and meeting my mother and auntie, now I don't know if this is all coincidence that we are meeting each others family and friends that we have never met before all of a sudden.

    With all of this happening I am so happy that we have caught up and become really good friends again but part of me is biting my lip but wishing the words will come out and everything will be rosey! I'm also buying her gifts for Christmas, Valentines Day, and recentily her Birthday, buying her a pandora bracelet! I am very affectionate and a very caring person, I am also a giving person without the motive of getting anything back. All I want from all of this is to see her happy with whom ever that may be, even if it means me being miserable for the rest of my life.

    But what do I do to avoid the unhappiness without backing off and ruining the good friendship? And I apoligise if this is to long and my grammer may be a bit poor.

    Charlie

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Blessings to you dearest Pete . . .

    Thank you so much for sharing your heartfelt dilemma . . . Each time we open to others, we help not only ourselves but those others as well . . .

    It appears that your cherished friendship may be moving in a direction more romantic and intimate . . . That both your hearts desires are coming together at the same time . . . If this is the case, I bless you both . . .

    Openness and honesty in communication is critical to any relationship and after ten years together you are most likely to know each other better than anyone else . . .

    If 'sensing' her feelings/intentions are not enough, then adding some verbal words/questions to your private conversations is important . . .

    Now that you are both single, she may be wondering why the two of you never became a couple . . .

    Or, without other relationships restricting affection, she may just feel freer to express her fondness for you . . .

    Or, needing affection herself in the void of no current relationship, she offers it more readily . . .

    One thing you wrote above jumps out quite glaringly . . . "Me on the other hand will not give love away if I'm not getting love back in return." This is the antithesis of Love . . .

    You are valid in thinking/feeling that Love is something very Special . . . But it is not a currency to be bargained for . . . It is not a man made honor to be bestowed on another . . .

    Words are only that ~~ just words . . . Putting such high expectations on three little words is setting yourself up for disappointment and heartache . . .

    It's not the words that have potency . . . It's the feelings and actions that are behind them . . . 7% of communication comes from words, 93% is non-verbal . . .

    If I had a best friend who had been in relationships before but had held back "I love you" . . . And who felt that love was something that had to be returned . . . I would continue to love them profoundly as my best friend . . . But their belief system would limit the possibility of our deepening our connection . . .

    I would advise that you spend some time really thinking/feeling/pondering about love . . . the different kinds of love . . . what love means to you personally . . . why you haven't uttered those three little words before . . . why you feel their value need be returned . . . where you picked up your beliefs about love . . . are your beliefs really an accurate reflection of how you feel in your soul . . . .

    And of course, pondering these great life issues usually involves one's best friend . . . walks, talks and gentle sharings . . .

    To me love is shared freely, openly and without any expectation . . . I am blessed to be surrounded by people I love and who love me . . . I must say, and hear, "I love you" a dozen times or more each day . . . The frequency in no way diminishes its value . . . It adds profound goodness to all our lives . . .

    I pray you are able to add another dimension of closeness to your already wonderful best friendship . . .

    Please let me know your thoughts . . .

    Blessings always, EarthAngel . . .

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    Pete 6 years ago

    Hi Earth Angel,

    I'm 25 years of age and I have been in love with my best friend for 10 years. when I first met her I was really shy, was way more focused on sports..anyways, she knew I liked her more than friends without me letting her know, cause she had told her friends then. I have always been there for her. Even when she was with other guys. I always made time for her even if I was at the time in a relationship.

    However, recently we have got a lot closer. In the last few years we have really come together as friends. We understand each other on many different levels. If its food/going out/sports/music..etc . She tells me about all her relationships or if shes ever seeing someone. We tend to hang hours upon hours doing nothing! we go out to party and drink and go to the movies alone.

    She has mentioned a few times that we should get married if we don't meet anyone else. Recently she broke up with her mate(4 months ago) and so did I. I'm not really sure if she has the same feelings for me as I do for her. But lately she has been touching me more, calls me at times she wouldn't before. She tends to like guys that chase her and who show her a lot of attention. Me on the other hand will not give love away if I'm not getting love back in return. Despite many relationships, I have never directed the three words 'I love you' towards any girl in 25 years. And my best friend is aware that I haven't!

    I would really appreciate it if you could take sometime to help me on how to go about this scenario. Do I tell her I love her??

    Thanks,

    Pete

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Dearest Tashi,

    You are more than welcome for whatever small part my words play in helping reveal to you the light of wisdom already shining in your soul!

    Blessings to you, yours and your beloved! EarthAngel!

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    Tashi 6 years ago

    Hello EarthAngel,

    Many thanks for your advice, It good to get advice like this, I can see how delicate a situation it is, I will proceed with care, But i dont want to push this friend away. i suppose you can a admire someone from a distance, if there is no response. I will let you know of any developments,

    blessings EartheAngel

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    Earth Angel 6 years ago

    Hi Tashi,

    How wonderful! Love in all forms is always valid and real and ads to the expanding sum of love in the world!

    I believe the soul-deep love is the real love we all crave and miss! In another part of the Universe maybe all love for all living things is soul-deep! And for some reason our society sets it apart from the rest!

    Loosing a good friend, especially one that you have profound feelings for, would be devastating!

    Usually it's not the 'confession of love' that ends a friendship, it's the way it's revealed! Or the expectations of affections being returned immediately upon revelation!

    There is nothing wrong with casually working into coversation how much you appreciate the connection the two of you share! Often that is enough to open a dialog!

    Be sensitive; if you do not think the feelings are mutual, let it be! Most women are highly sensitive and intuitive; if you bring it up gently a couple of times and she doesn't respond, it may be she's trying to not make it an issue that divides you!

    Please let me know how this unfolds! My hopes would be she would respond with, 'I feel the same way . . . '

    Blessings always, EarthAngel!

    Blessings also to all our brothers and sisters in Japan and the surrounding areas right now ~~ We hold them all in Love and Light . . .