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I Am A Grateful Domestic Violence Victim (Survivor)

Updated on October 24, 2010
Engagement photo
Engagement photo
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Wedding photo
Catching him off-guard!
Catching him off-guard!
The family on vacation!
The family on vacation!

Life Goes On


It has been three years, nine months, two weeks and five days since the last time a hand has been raised to me in anger. It has been equally as long as the last time I have ever felt fear of physical harm at the hands of any man. It was that long ago since I allowed the officers to take my husband as I packed my things to await my mother’s arrival to come get us and move us away. You might think I should get a pin for that; three years unbeaten.

There has not been one single hour since then that I have ever had any moments of doubt or weakness in regretting leaving him. He made sure that he ruined every opportunity I gave him to do the right thing by me and our children. For six long years I stayed with him and put up with his anger, his drug use, his blatant disregard for me, and his immaturity in refusing to be responsible, at least, to his children. Sure, I wish I would have left him sooner, actually, I did once but I was not ready to give up. The sanctity of marriage means a lot to me and I meant every word of my vows.

Unfortunately they were just words to him and I suffered a terrible reality shock as I was thrown around, beaten, bruised, and passed around as he saw fit. The one thing that meant more to me than being the best wife I could be was being the best mother I could be and when it became clear that I had to give up on one to achieve the other, I chose my children. Being aware of the undeniable fact that I knew I had done everything in my power to do to help him gave me an inner strength to make the scary decision to become a single mother to four very young children.

There have been too many coincidences in my life for me not to believe that there is some form of Karmic force that affects our daily lives in ways that we are unable to understand. After years of struggling with the concept of religion I finally came to the conclusion that it is my belief in that higher power that is important and not the name of the church that one sits in. That being said I prayed that I would be granted a year, one year to straighten my life around as I saw fit then I would once again relinquish the reigns to my life to the powers that be.

In precisely six months I had literally done more for my kids than their father had done in the last six years. It felt great to be empowered by that concrete proof that I had made the right decision. I had also decided that I was not interested in dating at all despite my mother’s insistence. She eventually got the idea that I need more time than she had needed and let me be. That is until she met her new motorcycle mechanic. He was newly single with a pre-teenage son. He had been coming by my work and being nice but not pushy but I was not ready. She kept telling me that he was a good man and that I shouldn’t let this opportunity pass. I was skeptical. Then he began working where I did. Now he was a coworker and that was doubly taboo. He pursued, gently but persistently, my mother encouraged, and I gave in on Christmas Eve. It had been just days shy of a year since I had made that prayer.

Since then we have gotten married and he has been exceedingly patient with me when I have my bad days, usually after arguing with the ex for one reason or another, and I have decided that I rather like the idea of being pampered. It was an entirely new concept for me, I had not previously been treated with respect by any man I had dated so I wasn’t exactly sure how to simply accept being put on a pedestal. I wobbled at first and tried to get down more than once but my dear husband loves me thoroughly and has banished me to this pedestal. Truly, he is an awful man! I know, I mean absolutely know, that no matter my financial standings or social status or anything else superficial, I have been granted the precious opportunity of living a very good life. I would like to think that I am being rewarded for making the right decision to choose my children over myself and my marriage and maybe that is it.

Whatever it is, though, I am not too proud or blind to not see how fortunate I am. The credit goes to my mother and her husband for doing everything in their power to help me, my friends, male and female, for showing me that they support me always and to my wonderful husband for believing in me and teaching me to see that I deserve to be respected and loved. I would like to figuratively raise a toast to those survivors who have found their way to the other, brighter side like I have and say a prayer that those women who are still struggling will see that they are worth more than that abusive man tells her she is.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. I challenge all of you to find a way to reach out and help women in need. Volunteer at a shelter, man phones for a crisis center, drive a victim to the hospital, clinic, police department, wherever she needs to go, baby-sit her children so she can find a job, keep an eye on her place, talk to victims, be an advocate, spread the word! We can fight back and it is worth it.


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    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      7 years ago

      Thank you, ytsenoh, I am honored to hear that you were touched by this. You, too, have shown the strength to leave and I am glad you have been able to move on. You are absolutely correct in that the effects never really go away. I suppose that's why October, especially in the very rural, old-fashioned town I live in, is so frustrating to me. I am all for Breast Cancer Awareness but it goes on all year long, very few people put on the purple ribbon for Domestic Violence Awareness which is this month. It's like they forget that DV is just as much of a killer of women as BC. So I wrote a book about it, published it, and have been giving speaking engagements regarding my experiences in an effort to do what I can about giving a voice to victims and survivors everywhere. Live strong! {it's not just for cancer surviors!)

    • ytsenoh profile image


      7 years ago from Louisiana, Idaho, Kauai, Nebraska, South Dakota, Missouri

      Chaotic Chica, I was very touched by your hub. I, too, am a domestic violence survivor and I say good for you in knowing the right choices you needed to make for you and your children. I let the anger go a long time ago, but the effects never go away. I learned to live with them, just like the effects of loss. I am a much stronger individual because he has no power over me anymore. Although you wrote your hub a year ago, it's still very useful and renders a strong message, so it had to be voted up. Thanks for this.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      7 years ago

      cloudy cool, first I would like to thank you for taking the time to comment.

      Second, I am glad to find that there are still people who believe as I do and are able to see the beauty that can come from the pain of abuse when one leaves it.

      Third, and perhaps more intimately, my mother also married an abusive man-my father-whom she left when I was four. Despite having left she spent the rest of her life being bitter. It is a big part of the reason her second marriage failed. Not the whole reason, but it contributed. She's in a good marriage now with a good man, the best man for her but she's still very negative about men in general.

      Honestly, I know she did everything she could to make my life the best she could but it hurt seeing her hurt. Without realizing it, she let him ruin the rest of her life by choosing to be bitter and angry. That, in turn, affected the way I view the world and handled my own divorce from an abusive man.

      Bottom line is that being bitter makes him win. When you are strong enough to leave, you must also face the fact that you are also strong enough to change your feelings. When I left, I left knowing that I did EVERYTHING I could to make the best of our situation. Knowing that I was strong enough to go and knowing how my father affected my mother's entire future led me down the road I am on. I let myself be angry for a while {a couple of months} then I slowly let go, bit by bit until I was able to figuratively put him in a box in the back of mind and lock him up so that I could get on with a better future. Truthfully he still has the key to that box and he can open it up and piss me off like no other but my husband is stronger and he can 'put him back' quickly.

      You never stop being angry at him but you can stop letting that anger rule you.

    • cloudy_cool profile image


      7 years ago from London, UK

      Its always very touching to read an article like this one...:'(

      And at the same time loads of happiness to find someone who survived the odds =)

      My mother went through such an episode with my father, until they separated...she's taken to spirituality now but is still so bitter =(...she's unable to appreciate her children's decent lives as her old memories have shadowed her thoughts...I must share this post with her...might give her some strength!

      Thanks for sharing this with us =)

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      7 years ago

      Eiddwen~I must say that I am sorry that you do relate to this story but, from what I can tell, you are equally as strong as you say I am and I hope that you are as proud of yourself as I am. Thank you for taking the time to share!

    • Eiddwen profile image


      7 years ago from Wales

      Hi Chaotic Chica,

      I can't believe that I haven't come accross you on here before now.

      I can relate to your story 100%, and if you would like to read my hubs 'From This Moment On'and 'To Feel Truly Whole' then you will understand why.

      you have done brilliantly and you should be proud of yourself.

      I wish you luck and strength to get everything that you want and need from life.

      I am now looking forward to reading more of your work.

      Take care


    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      7 years ago

      ANewsLine~Thank you for commenting! It means a lot to know my word has reached someone.

      the clean life~I am sorry that I had not been able to respond sooner but I hope your holiday season was as wonderful as mine! I appreciate your well wishes and pray that you, too, have a fantasticly joyous 2011!

    • the clean life profile image

      Mark Bruno 

      7 years ago from New Jersey Shore

      A very touching and sad story. There is one thing I will never except and that is violence and abuse to a woman. I am so glad that your prayers were answered and you found a great husband and now be able to enjoy your life with him and your 4 children without worrying about what will happen to you next.

      Good Bless you and your family and I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and a Safe and Joyous 2011.

    • ANewsLine profile image


      7 years ago from Lahore

      Thank You For Sharing

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      7 years ago

      Ken, I believe that I am moved by your kind words! Thank you for taking the time to share with me how you felt about this. I really appreciate it.

    • Ken R. Abell profile image

      Ken R. Abell 

      8 years ago from ON THE ROAD

      Thank you for sharing your poignant testimony. I was moved, encouraged & blessed. Peace.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Leni~Thank you so much for your sweet words, you are too kind! I really appreciate everything you said!

      DjBryle~I'm very happy to hear that you found my piece to be inspiring. That is very high praise to me, thank you!

    • DjBryle profile image


      8 years ago from Somewhere in the LINES of your MIND, and HOPEFULLY at the RIPPLES of your HEART. =)

      This is very inspiring and it shows to the wolrd what women with real beauty and courage are made of... two thumbs up! Thanks for sharing! =)

    • leni sands profile image

      Leni Sands 

      8 years ago from UK

      You are a shining example to those still in that most awful situation and finding it difficult to get out and move on. Your hub is a credit to you. Your family look lovely and obviously very happy now. Good for you to get out of such an awful place. Good for you to find yourself that good man and even better for your kids. Well done! Thank you for writing this hub.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Thank you, RunAbstract, for taking the time to comment. I'm still not sure I see myself as an encouragement really but hopefully more of an example of what can happen when you believe in yourself.

    • RunAbstract profile image


      8 years ago from USA

      Good for you! I am so happy you have come out on the other side of your past and found happiness! You are an encouragement to other women in violent situations! Thank you for sharing!

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Jasper~Thank you so much for the kind words! It really means a lot!

      Healing Touch~It may have taken you a while to leave but the fact that you left speaks volumes and shows that you, too, realized that you deserve better. It's good to know that other survivors have left and found happiness, too. I wish you many happy years to come! Keep up the talks!!

      Europewalker~You are absloutely right about some women never leaving and I ache for them. I write because I hope that somebody will gain encouragement from me. Thank your for sharing.

      Chris~Thank you! I believe that good things do happen to those who work for it and, even though I worked hard for it in that marriage and didn't get it, I still knew I deserved it and sought it by leaving. So much has gone right since then that there is no question that I made the right choice!

      Dave~That's a very good way to live your life and I wish more people thought like that. Thank you for being one of the gentlemen.

      Jill~I'm not sure there would be a greater honor than to have you say that you're recommending this to somebody you care about. I really do hope that she can see the hope that exists after reading not only my hub, but perhaps that of the other survivors that write here. Thank you so very much for your vote of confidence!!

      Mioluna~Thank you for the vote up and the praise. It can be a difficult and scary choice to make but, like you said, it should be the only choice a mother can make in good conscious!

      Richard~You are terribly sweet. I won't lie and say that it wasn't awful but it is now a part of my past and sharing it makes it both easier for me to reconsile (sp) with and helps me to feel like I could be helping somebody else by sharing. Thank you, very much, for your kind words. I really appreciate them.

    • Richard Craig profile image

      Richard Craig 

      8 years ago from England

      I'm sorry you had to go through such a traumatic time, something of which I could only imagine. I couldn't even think about splashing violence onto somebody that I loved and married even. It's great knowing that you came out on top and that you can honestly say that you have made the right choice to leave him in the past and look to a brighter future with somebody new. I applaud you, your children are very lucky to have you as a mother.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      You're very strong woman and you made your decision as Real Mother should make. I'm sure your story can help a few women that afraid of leaving their husbands and stay alone with children. You did great job to write it. Vote up!

    • JillKostow profile image

      Jill Kostowskie 

      8 years ago from Pennsylvania

      Chaotic Chica - As women and men we need to band together to open the worlds eyes in a fight to end Domestic Violence!! Your hub was beautifully written, I am going to share it with someone I know in the hope that your story of success will help take away her fear of leaving. I know for myself I had trouble to leave a relationship, mild compared to yours, but everyone just needs that little bit a reassurance that someone else did it before them and now they can do it. The only problem is the person in the relationship has to be ready to take that step toward leaving and by hearing others experiences I think they can find that strength to leave before it is to late. You are brave for opening up to the world, I know that by you sharing your fears, emotions, and success you will help many others facing Domestic Violence regain their lives back!!!!

    • Dave Mathews profile image

      Dave Mathews 

      8 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

      Chica: I abhor violence to anyone, but especially to women, not that I see women as the weaker sex, I know some women who could punch my lights out if I got out of line, but that as humans we all deserve to be treated with civility and dignity, love and respect.

      Brother Dave.

    • carolina muscle profile image

      carolina muscle 

      8 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      I'm so glad you have found a safe and caring relationship!! This is a great hub.

    • europewalker profile image


      8 years ago

      Touching hub, so glad you left that situation and met a wonderful man. Unfortunately some women never find their way out of an abusive relationship. Thanks for sharing.

    • Healing Touch profile image

      Laura Arne 

      8 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

      Dear cc,

      My sister or Minnetonka twin as you know her here told me I must read this hub. I am so glad I did and I am so very proud of you for leaving. I know how hard it is to make that decision. I stayed for 13 years, and now my life is plum full of peace. Please read my poem on abuse, called the whisper that became a roar. You remind me that we are strong and we need to help others that walk this hellish life. I will committ to doing more prevention of violence talks in October.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      thankyou you are very curagous to share your story you are an insperation to all thoose who are in abusive situations

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      MM~You sure know how to illicit a reaction! I'm trying not to cry reading your super kind words! I think it's because I know you really mean them and thank you for that. I know how lucky I am and I want others to be as well. You are a wonderful person!!

      MTwin~It means a lot to hear that you were touched by this! Thank you for your blessings (one can never have too many, you know!) and I am very glad to hear that your sister got free. It can be a very scary venture but one that is unequivicaly worth it! As far as my man, he's one in a million and even his brother says we were made for each other. What's meant to be will find a way if you let it!

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 

      8 years ago from Minnesota

      Dear Chaotic Chica-Your story touched me deeply and I thank you for sharing this with us. It took courage and faith for you to take that leap of leaving him. It usually is the kids that give woman the courage to get out. I watched my twin sister live with abuse for thirteen years and was so grateful she eventually got out. Great hub and great job on reminding us that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. God Bless you and your family and so glad you found a Good man. Peace

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 

      8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Oh CC, I am honored to be the first to get to comment on this beautiful and timely hub. Congratulations on finding the courage to leave and finding the life you deserve (and your kids, too). Congratulations on spending that year gathering your strength so you could prove to yourself that you have it (and always did) and I absolutely LOVE (and agree with) your comment about you and your Higher Power not needing a "religion" to connect.

      The wonderful new man in your life is a bonus -- the story would have been awesome anyway. But I'm so glad to read that you are happy. He does sound like a good man and you all look like a beautiful family.

      Wishing you continued peace and personal integrity,



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