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I Don't Want To Play By The Rules Anymore

Updated on February 4, 2011

and you can't make me!

Recently when discussing dating a friend of mine said "When you're in a relationship it's like there's this whole set of rules that come along with it."

I think that is so profound and absolutely true. Although I enjoy being in a relationship, I am not someone who likes being told what to do. Who does, of course, but with me that's extra true. I grew up with a bi-polar mother and more than one super abusive stepfather, so controlling behavior flips a switch in me and the monster comes out.

So, back to the dating rules... Whether they are actually spoken or just implied there are rules, wouldn't you agree? Some of these rules are very valid, I must admit.. Don't sleep with other people, don't belittle your partner, especially in public, etc.

However there are some rules that I really have a hard time with. I keep turning them over and over in my brain thinking "why?"  Each relationship may have it's own set of rules but  let's examine some from my most recent relationship, shall we?

1.  You are no longer allowed to have contact with any ex-boyfriends (unless of course you have children together, and then there's no choice.)

Why? Why is that? Now I am a grown woman and more than thirty years old. I have met many people throughout my life. I have had more than my share of lovers, I will admit, but we didn't all part on bad terms. In fact I remain friends with several of them. I talk to them. That doesn't mean I sleep with them. 

I believe everyone we meet enters our lives for a reason. We learn from each other, but for whatever reason a romantic relationship just won't work. Maybe you want different things out of life, or he carries on a lifestyle that makes you uncomfortable. Still, you have a connection.

So, why should I ignore my friend and someone who understands me, someone I care about, just because I am seeing someone new? We made the decision not to be together for valid reasons, and if I had any intention of going back there I wouldn't be dating someone new.

I think the answer to this one is insecurity. If the new man in your life is insecure, he will feel very very threatened at the thought of this behavior.

2.  If an ex does contact you, you must confess it.  He, of course, thinks that your ex is like stalking you or something.  He also has the right to get angry, and yet still expect you to confess each and every time you bump into, get a text from, or speak to your ex.

Is this once again insecurity?

3.  You are not allowed to go to the bar without him.  However, he NEVER wants to go out.  Even if going with your friends, that's a maybe and must get prior approval.

Now, I play pool and I'm a karaoke junkie.  Silly little hobbies, I know but I enjoy them.  Do I tell him he can't go out with his buddies?  Do I tell him he can't go hunting or fishing or whatever?  No, because I don't own him, and I trust him.  If you ask me, you can meet people anywhere, a bar is just a location.  Millions of people meet on the Internet, so does that mean he shouldn't be allowed to go online, or to the grocery store?  Sounds ridiculous doesn't it?

4. You are not allowed to talk to him when he is in a fowl mood, and if you attempt to call, he reserves the right to blow you off.

Four simple rules, specific to my situation, but how many of you have experienced these kinds of things in a relationship?  There's always something.  You don't keep the house clean enough.  I have to park my vehicle in your driveway because it's far more valuable.  Park yours on the street, etc.

I don't want to play by the rules anymore!  I will talk to who I want, and go where I want, and sing karaoke when I want.. Hell, even sleep with whoever I want!

In fact, I want to have a sizzling hot rendezvous with my hunky 22 yr old ex-boyfriend.  I want to jump on a plane with a guy friend of mine and hit Vegas... because I can!  I don't want to have to explain myself, or more importantly feel guilty for talking to people that have known me and been supportive of me for years.  Some dude I met a couple months ago just isn't worth it.

So, I've embarked on that adventure.  We'll see how it goes since I'm a relationship junkie. Will I be able to stay single long?   Honestly, I don't know. 

With all that freedom comes loneliness as well.  My mother has said to me many times "a little bit of something is better than a whole lot of nothing"... but I don't want to live for a little bit of something.  I'll take the risk, have some adventures and roll the dice to try to meet the man that's more than "a little bit of something."


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    • profile image


      4 years ago

      There is nothing wrong with the rules of love. It is the people that don't always lay out the right rules or identify all the right ones.

      To be a good person, you must follow certain rules, same for bad. To be free of the predictability of being good or bad, you break them. But you don't break them because you cant follow them. People who are good have no problem living under certain rules. So what does that make you? There is nothing wrong with love. True love is only attainable for those that are strong and worthy enough. However some people just get lucky because their stupidity/etc doesn't get in their way somehow. Love require understanding a lot of things like social psychology and right and wrong and more. You may be fine with one rule. Yeah, easy street for you. However, there is something about a relationship that can stand against time, distance, and our own minds and from being completely divided by others and not sure what else.

      Also, right and wrong, good and bad and beauty are not entirely subjective. They are objective too because objectivity and subjectivity can co-exist. So when I talk about what ia good, I talk about what protects and grows the things that matter to one and all. Because rules are only to be broken when they fail to grow and/or protect what matters. But they are not to be broken just because you cant handle something. That's what help and being ready is for. But what the hell do kids and teenagers and most adolescents know about love in the first place?

      Being good is a type of rule.

      Also trust isn't something to be blind about. Trust should be based on strength and weaknesses and proven tendencies of human minds like in social psychology, along with sense/common sense because then when the person you trust is gonna do some shit, then it is like a bigg surprise instead of something you can expect and prevent ahead of time.

      True heroes are prepared ahead of time.

      People worthy of love are prepared ahead of time, whether they tried to be prepared or not.

      I always make sure I know exactly why I wont ever want to see an ex gf and I am very open about them with a new gf because I want her to know that im not weak and if she thinks it isn't enough, then I can do better. Unlike you, telling people this shit about being single.

      Being single is fine but the moment being single means dividing things like sexual experiences with more than one lover (whether it is one lover at a time or not) and the moment it just makes certain things less special in a relationship.. it is usually bad. It is especially bad to fully exclude a relationship as an option for people. Relationships and friendships differ the way lasers and light do. I perfer laser. And besides.. when you do too much or certain things in friendship, it does or can devalue a future relationship. That is a sad and disgusting thing to me.

      One of the reasons love has to have rules is because then eventually, what either person will do is show how weak that love is.

      For example, one of my rules is that if I marry and had sex with some girl and she died a few days later.. that I shouldn't ever be in another relationship ever again because then what? That girl didn't really mean enough to me? If I stopped loving her and started loving her later on in a few years, theb it just shows how weak my love is. And when I fall in love with a New am I gonna tell her? That I love her.. more than anyone? It sounds so fucked up .. to tell someone I love them when I said it before to someone else that never gave me a legitamate reason to stop loving that person. I wouldn't care if my first wife told me to forget her and to be happy I wouldn't be happy with forgetting. It is so wrong. Plus, if there is a heaven, I would be proud to be back in front of her. I would expect the same from her. It is more than most people want to do in this stupid world anyway. And while such a rule may seem unrealistic, it is not. We have the ability to post pone pleasure and more.

      Also, just because you enter a relationship, doesn't mean you will change.. therefore, it is also an important rule, while being single to not contradict a relationship while being single or else it is no wonder why shit happens. Pfft. For example I don't fucking look at female asses back forth or even glance at them like fucked up guys do around here. Sure they are nice but fuck it, why waste my time on it. There is a lot more I gotta do like researching what I neeed or homework or what im gonna do with a friend or whatever. However, I don't look at asses also because I wouldn't want to start doing it while in a relationship either. .. relationships arent for the weak and unworthy. Beauty is worth. Anyway.. whoever wants to challenge what I said. Do it.. I dare you because I neeed to keep learning.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      You pull the words right out of my heart's brain!

    • stricktlydating profile image


      7 years ago from Australia

      Hi, It just sounds to me like you're enjoying the benefits of being single! And so you should! A great read!

    • TheManWithNoPants profile image


      8 years ago from Tucson, Az.

      This is the second hub of yours I've read this evening. I'm pretty selfish, as I like writing more than reading, but I enjoy your stuff kid. I like the way you write and what you write about. I've been so obsessed with my political crap, and I need to take a break and just write some cool pieces.

      I've always had a problem with rules. They must be re examined regularly or they become less than effective. I only have one rule in a relationship, and it has to work both ways. The rule is respect, and things just seem to fall in line when it's applied. Situations change, and rules must be fluid to work. Most people are slow when it comes to rule adjustment it seems. My one rule method just works best for me.

      Good job on this!

      Thumbs up, useful, and awesome.


    • Tim Blackstone profile image

      Tim Blackstone 

      8 years ago

      I hope it has worked out for you. I reckon it is all about trust. If you love someone and feel loved you should feel safe to let them fly free and if they don't come back then maybe what you had wasn't what you thought you had. If that's the case you are probably better off without them.

      A whole lot of nothing is better than a whole lot of something that isn't what you thought it was. I found that out and it hurt.

    • blue.lotus profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Cali

      thnx for the comment!

    • gqgirl profile image


      8 years ago from Georgia

      I admit I have to agree with you on some points and others disagree. lol I hate it when my hubby talks to his ex's because I know for certain that those nasty skanks have other things on their mind. lol But I don't stop him from talking to any female. And he doesn't stop me from talking to any male. I think in the back of a persons mind there are the few select we know it's better to stay away from rather than risk the "getting into troubl" for whatever reason it is.

      Now the whole going out to the bar thing.... well I don't know. I mean my hubby wouldn't care at all if I decided to go out without him. But to me if I don't want him to share in the going out with me then to me it means I don't want him around and that wouldn't really be a relationship in my eyes.

      The fowl mood thing....ahhhh I've to dealt with this.. lol And I actually find it best to leave them alone and let them vent. It's better than trying to fix it! :)

      Very good and creative hub btw.


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