ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

I Had to Be Told I Was Raped

Updated on January 31, 2018

I moved forward, didn't say a peep, and acted like it never happened. I didn't even understand what happened, but I certainly didn't call it rape. I'm not going to lie. It was easier in that period when I blamed myself. Much easier. Confusion was still there about how my ex didn't listen to me, how he lied, and how he manipulated me but I dove in to work so hard so that I would never get the chance to think about any of it. I was always a workaholic, but I started to say yes to every extra hour. Part of my job title was nanny. I remember thinking that if the kids could even comprehend what had happened, it would be simple to them. They would just love me. They were so innocent and I wanted to feel that way or at least as close to it as I could. There were times when I almost cried thinking about things at work but I always kept myself around the kids so that I would have a reason not to sulk. Every second not with them, studying, at school or practicing piano was spent at church activities. There was no blank space in my planner.

They were so innocent and I wanted to feel that way (or at least as close to it as I could).

This was a picture that I took with my phone one day out with the kids around that time.
This was a picture that I took with my phone one day out with the kids around that time.

End of Silence

It wasn't until months later when a conversation came up between a new friend when I explained details of my old relationship for the first time. Up until 8 months I had never revealed that night to anybody. Sure, I had called my mom the day after, told her I had "made a mistake" so that I wouldn't have to go through the fear of being pregnant alone. But what occurred that night never spilled. Nobody knew what he said to me, nobody knew the things leading up to it, nobody knew the "no's" that preceded my ex's actions. It was hard to share.

"Kristen... you were raped..."

"No...I was there. I was in his apartment..."

That was my response. Luckily, someone was there to tell me the truth I didn't want to accept.

"If you told me everything,.. if there's not more to the story, then he did those things knowing that you didn't agree to it. That's rape. It's not your fault. You know it's not your fault, don't you?"

I think about that relationship much more now than I did in those 8 months. From the surface to my very core, I just don't like to feel vulnerable. I like to feel strong. I've found that it's easier to say "I had sex" than it is to say that someone had sex with me. Because one implies that it was my choice, but the one that is true set off a whole new ballgame. Like side to side negative thought toss in my head. I would throw one just to catch another.

I was taken advantage of. I should've known that he would be a guy to do that.


I picked someone to date that ended up screwing me over (literally).

I Couldn't Stop Dwelling On It

The worst "bully" memories that I had previously were of petty friend fights and rude, yet admittedly true remarks on my lack of dancing skills. My life didn't include many incidents of anyone taking advantage of me or making me look like a fool. I had been made fun of at times, sure... but being called a loser isn't much of a threat when you're confident you aren't one. Those kinds of people/comments never stole my time. There were people who used words to try to get to me before, but this was different. To so gradually get in my head, disrespect my body and my dignity, was beyond my comprehension.

Date Rape?!

Did you know this?

  • 80% of raped women already knew the person who assaulted them
  • It doesn't have to involve drugs or excessive violence
  • It isn't just a thing that happens on one of the first few dates

I didn't.


It's My Body and I'll Say No If I Want To

Let's be real. I didn't even let him touch my breasts through my shirt. I was very innocent, ok? The first time that he did that, I told him not to. Not only did I mention that, but I also told him why I didn't want him to. The second time I told him that i didn't want him to and why i didn't want him to. The third time I told him another clear, "No. Stop it, seriously. I really like you but I don't want you to do that right now." Do you see something there? Now I recognize that as sexual assault. My 23-year-old self registered it as normal.

This is just what nonmembers do. He doesn't know any better. He's just being a guy. "Boys will be boys."

It would have been normal if he did it and I allowed it. The fact that I wasn't allowing it, and that I continued not to allow it, is what bothers me so much now.

Myth: Date rape only happens between people who just met or don’t know each other well.

Reality: Rape (sexual intercourse with a person against his/her will through the use of threat, force, and/or intimidation) has nothing to do with how well the person knows the assailant. It’s not uncommon for a person to be raped by someone he or she has been dating for a long time, or by a former lover, or by a spouse.

— UFPD

Tune In

It was oddly satisfying to write over him in that picture...! Maybe I'll do that more often! Just kidding around. I have deleted most pictures that included him, for my health. Soon I'll share other things that I've done for my mental and physical health just in case anyone needs help in that area. You are welcome to message me if you don't want to wait for a post, too. Thank you for reading and following!

Sources

The quote provided was from this link: http://www.police.ufl.edu/community-services/myths-and-facts-about-date-rape/ . Thank you, UFPD, for confirming the realities of an all-too common occurrence!

© 2018 Kristen Elizabeth

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Lisa H 

      7 months ago

      So much truth. So much sisterhood. So much wisdom. So much hindsight. So much frustration in my personal hindsight. I've discovered that "Frozen"

      is a good word to describe the "during". Thabk you! So many many thoughts surfaced during the reading of this article

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      7 months ago

      Truth is it's possible for a wife to raped by her husband.

      The word "no" should stop a man in his tracks. However if a guy persists the woman knows what kind of man she is dealing with and should do her best to get out. Don't depend on him.

      That old saying "no means maybe and maybe means yes" is outdated. Another one we need to get rid of is "playing hard to get." If someone isn't into you sexually move on to someone who is. The first attempt isn't assault in my opinion. It's primarily testing the water. Men have always had the 1st, 2nd, 3rd base mentality.

      The woman should always dictate how far things will go.

      We live in an era where there lots of women who are looking to have sex with men. There's no reason why any guy should feel the need to rape anyone.

      In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: NEXT!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)