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I Learned To Be A Better Mother-N-Law

Updated on June 28, 2017
Rosa Ann Crowder profile image

I grew up in a small town called Whitesburg, Georgia. As a poor Woodard girl, I had to make my own living and opportunities.

Instead, let your love shine.

Passive-Aggressive behavior manifed in obvious patterns.

Never show anger. It’ll only fuel the fire. I may have been justified to feel furious, but so what? I should never try to prove I'm right; it’s about not making a bad situation worse. I learned to bite my tongue and practice patience till the situation passes.

No one knows better than a mother-in-law that the relationship between her and her daughter-in-law can be prone to hurt feelings and power struggles. I need to understand her, learn more constructive ways to assert them.

And as a mother-in-law I have gripes of my own, I don't know "exactly" what upsets my daughters-in-law the most. I figure that knowing the problem can help me fix it. I took a few deep breaths then took a look. I realized I couldn't solve all of our bumpy problems.

Daughters-in-law need autonomy, they need independence, and when I offer unwanted advice and help, I undermine that. I have learned to think twice before offering my two cents worth.

I feel like you get more bees with honey. But that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated in my life. My way of dealing with frustration is to shut down and to think and speak logically.

— Beyonce Knowles

Unwanted Advice

Parenting advice? Thanks, but no thanks; seems to be the way both of my daughters-n-law feel about it. The way I see it, they both are saying, "If I'm looking for tips, I've got plenty of resources, friends, my pediatrician, my mother, and most important, your son. Unless we specifically ask for your opinion, let the two of us figure it out. We want to raise our kids our way, mistakes and all."

No one likes unsolicited advice. To a daughter-in-law, it seems like criticism, “She may hear it this way: ‘I’m the one who knows. You need my input. You’ll be better off doing things my way.’”

Even if my advice comes from a place of love, chances are she hears me as threatening her authority and challenging her role as a mom and caretaker in her family. It’s a lack of regard for the younger woman’s power and control of her family space.

I feel like my tongue is bleeding; from so much biting. I think my daughter-n-law's philosophy on mothering, cooking, and housekeeping is somewhat different than mine, but it is none of my business. Even though my daughter-n-law asks her mother for advice, she seems offended when I make comments. Then it's back to biting my tongue.

In an ideal world, I think of my daughters-in-law as my daughters, and she’d think of me as another mother. But for some women that may be very hard.

The only thing more intimidating than a huge international film star is your mother-in-law.

— Benjamin Walker

Speak No Evil!

Lots of things were said from a place of love but were deeply insulting to my daughter-n-law.

Sometimes, I have to tread very lightly. An even question can come off as judgmental. There are differences in how my daughter-in-law raises her children versus how you did it. I have recognized this.

I began to focus on the things I appreciate in my daughter-n-laws. They both have gone out on a limb for me. Be it, letting me watch the grandbabies, taking me places, eating out with me, giving me mother's day wishes, and welcoming me into their homes.

Don't create a fire you can't put out.

Don't Burn Bridges!

Do your talk to your son about his wife? Simply put, don’t. Complaining to your son about his wife puts him in a challenging position, In fact, your son should put a stop to it. She’s his partner, he loves her, and he doesn't want to hear anything negative about her.

But you, as the more mature one, know that your daughter-n-law holds the keys to the kingdom, your son and your grandkids. And you should also know, even if she doesn’t, that if you put your son in the middle, the chances are he’ll defend his wife and kids. Not you.

Don't talk about you daughter-n-law to anybody. Besides, you don't want your complaints to come back to your daughter-in-law, it would hurt her. Not necessary what you said as for you said anything and that burns bridges.

There is treasure along the rainbow

I know that there will always be resentment, some appreciation, and mixed feelings between me and my daughters-n-law. I can only work on me and be accountable for my words and actions.

I went from resenting my mother-in-law to accepting her, finally to appreciating her. What appeared to be her diffidence when I was first married, I now value as serenity.

— Ayelet Waldman

To Traci and Andrearose

You didn’t become my daughters-in-law because my son loved you and married you. You became my daughters-in-law because God heard my prayers and gave me two daughters. I think of us all, as one clan, not as each other's house guests. I love both of you to the moon and back a billion times.

Mother-N-Law & Daughtert-N-Law Relationship

Is giving advise the same as meddling?

See results

Mother-N-Law (1961)

ERNIE K-DOE Mother-in-law Lyrics

The worst person I know, mother-in-law, mother-in-law

She worries me so, mother-in-law,mother-in-law

If she leaves us alone, we would have a happy home

Sent down from below

Mother-in-law, mother-in-law, mother-in-law, mother-in-law

Sin should be her name, mother-in-law, mother-in-law

To me, they're about the same, mother-in-law, mother-in-law

Every time I open my mouth, she steps in, tries to put me out

How could she stoop so low?

Mother-in-law, mother-in-law, mother-in-law, mother-in-law

© 2017 Rosa Ann Crowder

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    • profile image

      Elwanda 

      15 months ago

      Yep, been there, done that. It also hurts to hear the ugly words that are said about you also. I have had 2 phone conversations that the other ends phone didn't hang up, WOW at some choice words.....but they know I heard what was said...I told them. ....Rosa, we only do it out of love, not to harm. I don't agree with a lot of what goes on either with mine, and like you I do voice my opinion. One day, when we are not here, they will remember, or not. I would like to think I done some good. Only time will tell. Praying for you my friend.

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