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I Need A Man: How to Find a Boyfriend

Updated on June 12, 2019
AudreyLancho profile image

Audrey is a passionate writer who covers many topics, often on a spur-of-the-moment basis depending on what she becomes intrigued by.

Dating can be great, but for many, it's finding the man that is the issue.
Dating can be great, but for many, it's finding the man that is the issue.

Single Lady Frustration

I am of the opinion that the best relationships just happen. After all, this is exactly what occurred between my husband and I ten years ago. However, what if nothing ever happens, and you find yourself alone long after you wanted to already have children and be building a life with your soulmate? This reality can be especially scary for women who have a limited biological clock who are watching their fertile years tick by. Couple this fear with the fact that some people literally never marry in their whole lives despite wanting to, and you have a concoction for some serious sudden-onset panic, and even worse, compromise and settling for the first guy that comes along.

To combat this, I suggest a mixture of increased confidence, decreased isolation, and taking things step-by-step. Namely, focus on finding a good boyfriend first instead of obsessing over biological clocks.

Increase Your Confidence

Dating is a lot like shopping. Men see the product before they decide if they want to try it or not (Dating), after which time they may commit (engagement) to a purchase (marriage). In my experience and that of my friends, confidence is the best quality you can carry when trying to attract a mate. If a man sees you far off looking ragged, with bad posture, and seemingly rude, he will wholeheartedly pass on that product and not even be willing to try it. How many times have you walked into a store and went to the deodorant aisle (or any other) and it was like certain products were jumping out at you saying, "I am what you need!" Well, similarly, you need to become what he needs. Here is how:

  • Use Good Posture, Always

Do not slump into your insecurities. Upright shoulders, straight back, and a raised chin communicate that you are comfortable with yourself not matter how you look or no matter what your weight. Everyone has insecurities, and he will grow to love yours. But you have to give him a chance to know your heart first. Showing confidence in the way you hold yourself and walk will show him that you value yourself and are not to be trifled with. He may take interest when he sees that powerful woman strut by.

  • Put A Little Effort In

I'm not saying you have to start air-brushing your face with high-end cosmetics every day, but comb that mane, sister. Wash your face and put one some blush and mascara. It will take you five minutes and you will look five years younger. If you don't try, why should he? I also had a friend, who before she met her husband, would constantly complain about her weight. She started going to the gym and did not lose a lot, but was able to regain confidence with every inch she tapered through her hard work. Whatever it is that you think makes you undesirable, stop making it an excuse and do something about it. Men do not want to be with someone who does not put any time and effort into themselves, because they think you will not put time and effort into them either. If your long-term goal is to be married in a committed, life-long relationship, make it your goal to become a trophy wife. Slap on some lipstick, hit the gym, and choose new outfits--you don't have to break the bank. Just looking polished and putting in a little effort can help you exude the confidence to attract a mate.

  • Eyes, Mouth, and Heart

There has got to be a connection between eye contact, what you say, and feelings for your partner. Look men in the eye confidently as you speak. Always try to say things that are positive. Men are turned off (at first) by whining, complaining, and acting like you are a victim of everyone and everything. When they get to know you and you share your problems truthfully and sans drama, they will have a protective and sensitive instinct that kicks in. However, during the "shopping" phase, positivity is the rule. Do not be fake and do not lie, but also do not needlessly complain and whine. That will scare them off before the relationship even starts.

Increase Your Traffic

I have many friends who lament being alone, but do nothing to increase their exposure to single men. I have one friend who still tells me how she wants to find a guy to date so badly, yet she works in the same place she has worked (mostly middle-aged women) for five years, and she still goes to her parents' old church where everyone knows everybody and the chances of a random single dude walking in is slim to none--not to mention, there are other permanently-single women in that church! I suggest getting involved or going places where single men go, as well as branching out of your normal social routines.

  • Go Where They Go

My friend at her job could have transferred to a different location but she chose not to. What if there is a single guy there waiting for a new little lady to mosey in? The isolation my friend experiences at her place of work is real. That's why I suggest that moves be made. Try to switch jobs, desks, buildings, or apartments if necessary. Beyond that, think of places single guys may hang out. Take a girlfriend as a wingwoman. Single guys can be found at gyms, restaurants, malls, or anywhere else that is a public or social area. Be yourself, and get out there so the shoppers can see their product. As far as my friend who attends a certain church, I have encouraged her to commute about 30 minutes to a more modern church near the city. There is an active singles group that constantly adds new members. I think anyone at a modern church knows that singles groups are just matchmaking hotbeds. We will see what she does, but whatever she decides, she needs to branch out of her routine social settings to increase the traffic of possible boyfriends.

Keep High Standards

The worst thing you can do when searching for a mate is to lower your standards and go with the first guy that comes along. There are many good men out there, but there are other lousy ones that prey on women with low standards. Keep a list of things you expect in a man, and do something contrary to our generation--play hard to get. Plenty of men are looking for a hookup on Tinder, not too many men are willing to date or possibly marry said hookup. Keep your standards high by remembering the following:

You Are Valuable

You are not washed up, unlovable, too flawed, or destined to be a spinster cat lady. You have value. Hold those shoulders back like you believe it. Stand up tall and expect to be honored by whoever you attract. You do not need to compromise at all. You are valuable.

He Must Be Worthy

Don't lower your expectations because you are 39 and still single. It is better to be alone than poorly wed, so try to compare the man you find to your list of unwavering standards. Is he responsible, caring, patient, hard-working, and nice? That's a keeper. Does he make excuses or is he lazy, grumpy, selfish, or mean? That is someone you don't want to be married to, even if you do need his help to make some babies.

Go Outside of Your Comfort Zone

All in all, I believe this article can be summed up pretty clearly: you have to step outside of your comfort zone in order to change the way things have gone for you. If you are running out of fertile years and desperate to find someone, be sure to change the way you look and present yourself (pretty, positive, and confident), as well as change up your areas of socializing (work, church, gym, restaurants, fun outings, etc.). Never, under any circumstance, compromise your values. Stick to what you are looking for in a mate without wavering. Concentrate on becoming the wife you want to be, so that when Mr. Right comes along, you will attract him and you can grow in your relationship for years to come.

What do you think is keeping you single?

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This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2019 Audrey Lancho

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    • AudreyLancho profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Lancho 

      3 days ago from North Carolina and Spain

      @dashingscorpio, Amazing points you’ve made! I find what you sias about women proposing so refreshing—even though my husband proposed, I believe I was the first one to start speaking of marriage! Which is kind of like a proposal in itself, because he stuck around. I appreciate your feedback and ideas!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      3 days ago

      "I am of the opinion that the best relationships just happen."

      Actually nothing happens until (you) say "yes".

      As romantic as it sounds to believe we can't help who we fall in love with the reality is each of us gets to (choose) we spend our time with. If you are choosing who you will exchange contact information with, go out with, kiss and have sex with... it's a little disingenuous to say "yes" so many times and later claim something "just happened".

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      "I suggest a mixture of increased confidence, decreased isolation, and taking things step-by-step. Namely, focus on finding a good boyfriend first instead of obsessing over biological clocks."

      Great advice!

      In fact I would stay away from anyone who claimed they were "ready" to get married and did not have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I believe it's the "special person" you are already with that should be the reason why you're having thoughts about marriage. Otherwise you're just someone chasing after a (marital status) in search of a prop! As you stated the focus should be to find boyfriend you are compatible with.

      Don't be afraid to allow things to evolve.

      Some people actually HATE the whole dating getting to know you process. They don't have a genuine interest in meeting new people. They want to "fast forward" to being in an exclusive relationship as soon as possible. Rushing into relationships without having a mate selection/screening process and "must haves list" often ends in regret.

      Lastly if you are presently in a wonderful relationship with a man you want to spend the rest of your life with don't be afraid to propose! You're better off knowing where you stand.

      Even in 2019 a lot of women are in long-term relationships with men they are in love with but they insist upon (waiting) for their mate to propose to them. They want the "fairytale" or nothing at all. Ultimately it shouldn't matter who proposed to whom.

      If it's not worth asking for it's not worth having.

    • AudreyLancho profile imageAUTHOR

      Audrey Lancho 

      4 days ago from North Carolina and Spain

      @Bill Holland Same here! I have so many single friends who are not exposed to men, and do not take care of themselves, yet complain of not gettin dates! When it doesn’t happen, I think, one needs to make it happen! :)

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      5 days ago from Olympia, WA

      My wife and I, it just happened, and it continues to "just happen" to this day, twelve years later. Neither of us were looking for it, but we are both quite happy we found it. :) Great suggestions here.

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