I Was Born to Love You
My love is forever . . .
They all want me to hate you. They all want me not to love you. But they don't know the meaning of "it's too late. " And it is too late. I miss you so much that there is no sleep for my restlessness. There is just no relief nor escape from the pain of your absence.
When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mother. I wanted to be the best wife and mother. I wanted to take care of those I love, my sweet, little family, such a pure and basic desire. How does that kind of sweetness become consumed by some fire that escapes from hell, and somehow lands in the middle of your life? Why are such precious dreams so consumable?
They want me to hate you, but I cannot. They have never seen into your eyes, your sweet, beautiful blue eyes, what I have seen when I stand in front of you, and you are looking down at me. I love you. I am me only in loving you. And I want so much to hold you until I am dead. And then I want to love you for eternity. I want to scream to the world, "Just let me be. I love him, so just let me be!"
Understand, or don't understand, I don't care anymore. I wear a façade for them all, a cloak that shrouds me, so that when they look at me, they think, "She's ok. Good, we don't have to worry about her anymore." Well then, I have them fooled. This is a very lonely existence. But, everyone else is ok as long as I put on a pretty smile. I don't want to live like this anymore, but I don't know any other way. I don't know how not to be me long enough to see things differently, to feel things differently.
I once again find myself standing on the edge of sanity. I have walked up to that edge, and the space beyond is one of an endless, all consuming abyss. I wonder if you fall forever once you arrive at that place, or do you eventually land hard, shattering into a million, glistening pieces?
Maybe that's what the stars are...infinitesimal, sparkling pieces of broken beings who live in the belly of a dark, eternal sky. They are sent to light our way. And they try, oh they try, to bring us to a different path from the one they took, one which resulted in their own ruin.
Maybe that's what the stars are...they shine as best they can until they are once again consumed with their own grief, and spill their burdens onto the clouds below. And when the clouds become full and heavy, and can no longer bear these burdens, they simply let go, saturating us, hoping to cleanse our pain. My heart does much the same when the pain has wrenched and twisted it beyond recognition, beyond what can be born. Tears stream down my face, and my body is drenched with relentless, painful, consuming love.
You are where I feel I am home. And without you, I am wandering, and I am lost. Life without you makes no sense. I know full well that I may carry this heartache until I heave my last breath on this earth. I am beginning to believe that my peace will come in the next life, where all is known, and all is seen with serene clarity. For now, I only know that I was born to love you.