I got raped by a close friend
No more Mr. nice guy
In the past whenever I thought of rape I always envisioned it happened in a dark place. I imagined it would be very violent and physically painful. But when it happened to me...my brain wouldn't process it. I told myself it didn't happen, and acted like it didn't.
I had known this friend of mine for a couple of years. Even though from time to time he made it known to me that he wanted to be more than friends, he was respectful. He was very sweet and very kind. He knew I didn't see him that way. We would talk to each other about different people we were dating, we would hang out from time to time and have a blast. We even slept in the same bed on different occasions, and he NEVER made a move. He was so respectful.
On this particular night I went to visit him and play cards with him and his friends. Every once in a while he would mention to me that he wasn't playing that "nice guy" role anymore.
"No more Mr. nice guy." he would say with a smile.
We were all having such a good time joking, laughing, drinking and getting intoxicated...I really didn't pay attention to this comment. I just laughed and replied,
"You're so silly."
I was too wasted to drive, so he told me I could stay at his house. When we got to his house I crashed in his bed with my clothes and coat on. I didn't think anything of laying in the same bed with him. I had done it before and nothing happened, little did I know this time was going to be a little different. I took my coat off but kept all my clothes on. He started rubbing on me. I told him to stop.
"No more Mr. nice guy." he said. I thought that was funny because he was such a nice guy and I couldn't imagine him being the opposite.
Now he was getting more aggressive. Groping me in between my legs and kissing on me. I kept pushing him off and telling him to stop. In the back of my head I'm wondering, "What in the world got into him?.....oh, he's been drinking" So I blamed his behavior on the alcohol, even still I kept saying no and pushing him off of me. He then grabbed my jeans and started pulling them off. I was holding on to them as tight as I could...but he was stronger. I was laughing in disbelief,
"Are you serious? Stop I don't want to do anything.I'm too drunk to fight you back so please stop."
I wasn't taking him serious. In my eyes he was no threat. He was my friend...who apparently had too much to drink. He started pinning me down so I couldn't move. He told me, "You know you want it." And then he penetrated inside of me. My brain wouldn't compute what was going on. I just felt weak, defenseless and I guess I went into shock. I would go from just laying there out of exhaustion to pushing him off of me until he finally got the message and stopped. That was a part of me I never intended on giving him.
The next day I acted like nothing happened. I even hung out with him and acted normal. He mentioned what happened and told me I wanted it as bad as he did. I told him I didn't and changed the subject. I just wanted to look at him the way I had always looked at him...as a nice guy. A couple of days after the incident images started flooding my head and I started thinking about it. I still didn't want to accept what happened. I talked to some friends,talked about it anonymously in forums and everybody was saying the same thing..."honey he raped you." I'm tearing up as I'm writing this. The word "RAPE" sounds so harsh and so violent. I didn't want to associate it with myself or him. I had sent him a message telling him he crossed the line and that I felt sad and that our relationship couldn't go on. He apologized and said he felt like shit and never meant to violate me. But when it's all said and done...he got what he wanted.
Everyone told me to press charges, have him jumped...but all I wanted to do was forget that it happened, because I kept finding reasons to blame myself. The lesson that I learned is that as women...we have to be very careful and very cautious of our surroundings and never put ourselves in a position where we can't defend ourselves...if we can help it. At times I still cry about it and feel angry and guilty. I encourage everyone who has dealt with this to talk to someone. Do what you feel is best for you. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream let it out. If you decide to press charges do that... but whatever you do don't blame yourself, because it's not your fault.