I love him but I want to leave him
Love is hard especially when you start with a "broken family"
Now and days it seems that there is a stigma between three types of relationships; the church go'ers and marriage followers, the single independent lovers or the "failed relationship" get together's. I'm personally a part of "numero" 3. I have a daughter of my own with a partner who was extremely abusive so naturally I ended up solo.
Two and a half years later I met a "great" guy who had a son the same age as my daughter. I want to say for the first two years everything was perfect. We ended up having a son of our own after the third year of our relationship. Of course I was thinking "we should get married" I mean he was perfect and we now had a son together, we are no where near being perfect but were perfect for each other right? Well, things are not that simple, when I brought up the whole "marriage thing" my partner basically shut me down saying that was his choice to make not mine and I needed to not talk about it. I was shocked. Quite frankly I didn't understand.
After a long night of thinking I began to despise the thought of marriage. Why is it something I even wanted? Why is it the MANS choice? Why after seeing my own parents broken, abusive marriage did I want to take any part of something so bad? Why did I want to change my last name, cook him dinner, wash his clothes, have his kids, why in the world did I want any part in that??? I despise the thought of marriage now. Time has past and a new issue has come forth. If were not planning on marrying and having a future together than why stay together? Yes, we have a child now but we are best by ourselves though right? I mean, if we did not see this future in each other than why deprive the other of possibly seeing it with someone else?
My feelings towards marriage has sincerely changed and I no longer want any part in it after thinking things though. My partner now tells me he never said he didn't want to get married only that he simply wasn't ready. Well, now I am no longer "ready". Now I no longer want anything to do with a "commitment" who's to say we wouldn't just divorce anyway! I personally want nothing to do with anyone after this relationship if it does end but I also don't want to keep him form true love. I don't know If I should stay or go. I am in love with him but I feel like my mindset is is not healthy for him or I. I'd much better be single and raising my children alone. Maybe one day he will find a girl and fall in love and propose the next day?! That girl is not me and I am not the marriage type, which he deserves. I love him but I want to leave him.
© 2016 LostSoul77